Josh and Kallie

from the mouths of fake-news comedians

2010-12-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

i make no secret of my affection for Stephen Colbert, his show, and his general schtick. This segment exemplifies so much of what i love about him, and it includes Bill O'Reilly demonstrating his utter dumbassery, so it's a real winner. Colbert's last exhortation here is chillingly accurate about our culture's ugly little truth- that almost no one really wants to or likes helping the poor.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

March to Keep Fear Alive

Flicker

2010-11-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

i don't know when i last wrote a poem, but i was bustling around yesterday and suddenly felt that old call, the urgency of words pushing against my hands. This is for my three friends, and for women.

----

Once a week for three weeks

my friends' babies died within them.

Pulsing energy

then lost in silence.

Searching on a screen

poised over a belly,

one, two, three.

Still.

My friends' hearts beating faster, faster,

then

slower,

stopped in agony and in empathy

with their little beloveds.

Shared blood, shared stillness.

Ringing ears giving way to

equal silence.

i remembered a woman in a small dark room

(i don't know why i forget her,

she always comes back to mind with urgency,

reminding me that i've forgotten)

with a screen poised over my belly

as she chatters, chatters, and then

silent.

Turning the screen to me-

breaking the rules-

she points,

pantomimes:

her hand presses her chest twice

then away

touches twice

then away-

thump/thump

my/child

bright/spark

alive.

i stared at the flutter on the screen but

i wanted to watch her-

this rogue stranger-

risking her security for my peace.

i don't remember her name.

i hold my boy to me when he cries,

our hearts facing,

rhythms different.

His doesn't stop, though mine often does.

i watch him when he sleeps,

so silent and still that

fear says

'He has slipped away.'

i do not breathe,

i press my hand to his chest-

in/out in/out

He is here.

i know he is a rare creature,

millions like him are born all the time,

millions of rare creatures

that kept pulsing

when their friends did not.

Every time a little heart stops inside a woman,

more than life is lost:

Peace is lost for every woman who knows.

There is no security

with a child inside.

Wild need of it makes us

break rules,

scrabble,

go rogue-

grip it when we can, give it as often.

i hold my boy to me when i cry

for friends of mine

who lost,

friends of his

who were lost,

for peace lost.

Beat/on.

Hold/fast.

Live/full.

Burn, spark.

a world full of wishywashers

2010-11-11T17:08:00.000-08:00

Chickadees, the abuse of the ellipses has become an epidemic of grammatical proportions. No one declares anything anymore, they just.... suggest.... or think...... or hint.... Statements themselves are being distorted into these half-thoughts: "That was an excellent movie...." Where is the other half?? When does the other shoe drop? But what? Because i assume there's a 'but' since the ellipses indicate another thought closes out this first thought. No? No but? You just thought it was an excellent movie? Well then say so. Look, i'll show you how: "That was an excellent movie." You only have to hit the . button once, so you see, it actually saves you time and effort. Facebook is the official festering breeding ground for ellipsabuse. "Finished my essay...." "Heading to the deli...." "Happy Veterans Day...." No one wants to be definitive anymore; status after status is hemmed and hawed and everyone just keeps trailing off...................................................................................................................................................................

If nothing closes out the thoughts, we're all just an endless, low buzzing sound of vague incompleteness, hesitating at the brink of complete ideas. (i have a friend, we'll call her Ryn Losten, who is oft frustrated by Canadians' tendency to bend their voices up? At the end of every sentence? So that everything is a question? "Just say it!" Ryn Losten wants to roar. Or at least, she did that one time at the Canadian guy on my tv. This is nearly equal to my feelings about people who always ellipsize their statements. i oft roar at my computer and text messages.)

Let's get official: ellipses are used to indicate omission from a quote. Por ejemplo, the best-known portion of the famous poem on the Lady Liberty's monument:

Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,/The wretched refuse of your teeming shore./Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,/I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

(Quick pause to consider how well or poorly our nation represents that sentiment. (Hi Arizona!))

If we want to truncate that quote, ellipses would be used to remove non-essentials and we could still express the fundamentals thusly: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...send these...to me, I lift my lamp." Orrrr we could do something snarky like this: "Send these, the homeless...to...the...door!" but that would be a dishonest use of the ellipses and the quote. (See: any reality show ever)

Ellipses also have a less technical usage, and this is the part that gets egregiously abused. Talking points from Grammar Girl:

"A number of style guides say that ellipses can be used to indicate a pause or falter in dialog, the passage of time, an unfinished list, or that a speaker has trailed off in the middle of a sentence or left something unsaid. For example, The Chicago Manual of Style states, “Ellipsis points suggest faltering or fragmented speech accompanied by confusion, insecurity, distress, or uncertainty.” The Manual contrasts ellipses with dashes, which it states should be reserved for more confident and decisive pauses. ...Use ellipses sparingly to indicate hesitation or faltering speech or thoughts."

Please, fellow speakers-of-English, let's not dilute the language further than it already has been. Don't be afraid of what you're saying. And if you're using the ellipses to shyly invite a response, which i believe is one reason many apply it so generously, then buck up, confidently assert your place in the conversation, and alter your wording accordingly. "I'm wondering what your schedule is...." is passive and a bit off-putting. Just ask me what my schedule is, or i will start responding to the ellipses statement for what it is: "i'm sorry that the mystery of my schedule is giving you faltering thoughts and causing you hesitation." And then we will both be annoyed, which is unfortunate.

i leave you now with a scene from classic (drug-addled) literature. It's not exactly tailored to this subject, but it is suited to the general idea of saying that which we mean:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he SAID was, `Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

`Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. `I'm glad they've begun asking riddles.--I believe I can guess that,' she added aloud.

`Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said the March Hare.

`Exactly so,' said Alice.

`Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

`I do,' Alice hastily replied; `at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.'

`Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. `You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, `that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, `that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

`It IS the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn't much.

i hate it when i do mature stuff.

2010-11-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

i do not need The Container Store. i do not need The Container Store. i do not need The Container Store. i do not need The Container Store.....

i love The Container Store. i do not need The Container Store.

Ouch, it hurts to write that.

i love The Container Store because it allows me to feign organization and fantasize about a reality where i am someone who has a place for everything because, in this (sooooo false) reality, i'm someone who puts things in their designated place, and not Lazy McMessypants of the stacks and piles all asunder from car console to night table. It's very similar to the love and fantasy that accompany any office supply store and a cousin to those that belong to the sporting goods and health foods store.

But this is about containers. i love them. i'm an American girl with a shopping problem, so it's appropriate that i want to buy things wherein to put the other things i buy. However, being married to Mr. Perfect has heightened my previously-unconscious philia for packaging and now i notice it all the time. Also, it's time to be green, Earthlings. (Well, the time was Back Then Slash Always, but if we'd been doing it Back Then Slash Always it wouldn't need to be called 'being green' now because it would just be called 'being.') Anyway, my observations of packaging occur on the marketing level and on the 'landfill' level. Insomuch, i've begun to realize just how much technology has created a standard of packaging that really shouldn't be thrown away. Nothing seems to come wrapped in cardboard anymore, amirite? It's all in tubs and tins and bins and canisters. i don't know about you, but throwing away that stuff makes me a little squeamish. i'm not a hoarder (...yet....) (parenthetical sidebar: "yet" can be a really fun word when properly applied, usually to someone else's statement in the negative. Try it out this week.), nor am i Captain Planet (also, i'm always tempted to feminize 'captain' and make it 'captainess' even though i usually enjoy celebrating gender neutral titles.), it just seems that these new fangled packagings are something like a step above 'trash', so treating them thusly feels callous and wasteful.

Therefore: i do not need The Container Store.

Recent remuddlings at Casa Perfect have facilitated the need for me to reorganize (minus-the-'re') the sewing room/office (minus the 'office' because of aforementioned failure to organize said sewinghood in the first place). Sewing is a craft that involves much stuff, most of it of the small and easy-to-lose variety, ie pins, needles, bobbin, buttons. i peruse images of other sewing nooks and see such efficient set-ups that i am CONVINCED that a calculated turn 'round The Container Store would grant me such peace of pieces. Plus: i'm like a shark only instead of needing to keep swimming in order to live, i've convinced myself that if i stop shopping, i'll DIIIIIE.

Except! The packaging, you guys! so much of it in so many conducive sizes and shapes, and almost all airtight, so mold and bugs will not claim the life of my....thread and buttons. Well, you never know.

Such a quandry. (not really, but a little bit, for me anyway)

Soooooo, (dammit) i'm going to organize my sewing room into the pinnacle of cleanliness and efficiency and i'm going to do it without buying any new items designed for organization. This means i will have to prettify (meaning 'to make pretty') countless tea canisters, baby food tubs, paint cans, and sundry and such. Buy stock in ModPodge, dear reader, because i'll be going through it like.... someone who goes through something voraciously.

*sigh* This will be totally super fun. i can't wait.

Maura Kelly: tragically mean and clearly moronic

2010-10-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

(Long bloggy dry spell, i know, but i was figuring out how to underfeed a growing baby and washing poop out of my favorite sweats. And since i'm not planning to make this blog all about Theo and motherhood, it was a challenge to find a topic that wasn't A: about those exact things or B: not totally lame on its own, because you simply can't post 'i made a human!' and follow it up with 'Isn't string cheese just the bestest everrrr?' There's the rub, kiddos.)

i stumbled upon this firestorm last night and wanted to offer my perspective, being an expert on absolutely none of things pertaining to any of it. The premise of said storm: There's a new rom-com sitcom starring plus-size actors. CNN remarked about how much of the comedy in it was 'fat jokes.' Marie Claire tasked Maura Kelly, their 'Sex & Dating' blogger/columnist (blogumnist? YES. i'm awesome.) to address whether TV viewers were uncomfortable watching large actors act out physical intimacy. The blogumnist promptly fulfilled her assignment and thoroughly revealed herself to truly be vapid, ignorant and cruel. Then she apologized for coming across as vapid, ignorant and cruel.

My purpose in jumping into this fray is not to decry her dumbass opinion that 'fatties are like, totally icky and stuff', because plenty of internetters are already doing so and it's too obvious to state that her position is tragic and mean. No one stops the presses when a duck quacks, so to ring the alarm when a halfwit blathers halfwittedly is pointless. What i'm observing is how mystifyingly un-self-aware Maura Kelly is and how, evidently, Marie Claire magazine employs a writer who doesn't seem to even read over what she's written before posting it.

From her post:

"Yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."

From her apology:

"Believe it or not, I never wanted anyone to feel bullied or ashamed after reading this."

From me:

She didn't see how "Even watching you put one foot in front of the other makes me feel physically ill" was going to make people feel ashamed or picked on?? She may not have wanted to incite those feelings, but she had to anticipate them. She used the words 'brutally honest' and then was surprised that people found her to be savage, cruel, harsh, coarse and/or inhuman? ...all words from the dictionary's definition of brutal, the word SHE chose to describe her opinion.

From her post:

Yes, anorexia is sick, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny.

From her apology:

A lot of what I said was unnecessary. It wasn't productive, either.

From me:
Nor was it remotely accurate. People can be naturally skinny but not naturally fat?

From her post:
Now, don't go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk.
From her apology:
People have accused me of being a bully in my post. I never intended to be that — it's actually the very last thing I want to be, as a writer or a person. But I know that I came off that way, and I really cannot apologize enough to the people whom I upset.
From me:
She commands us to not get the 'wrong' impression: that she is a 'size-ist jerk', (implying that we would be so unintelligent as to grossly misinterpret her so clearly presented argument). Therefore she must have a shred of awareness that her opinion is unseemly, but then claims such low manners were the 'last thing' she wanted to demonstrate. Hmmm.... methinks a bull has shat nearby because i certainly smell something.
Also, just because she has 'a few friends who could be called plump' (or could be called 'fatties', judging by the title of her post) does not mean she doesn't secretly hate the sight of her friends kissing their beloveds because of all the 'rolls and rolls of fat.' i wonder how many Christmas cards she's getting from her plump friends this year.
She does not admit to or apologize for being a bully (or another b-word i can think of), only that she 'came off that way'. How very big of her! (pun quite intended) The creator of the sitcom in question, which, of course, the blogumnist admits to never having seen, remarked to Entertainment Weekly that in reading the post, he 'pictured a girl sitting in a high school cafeteria saying snotty things to her other snotty friends.'
That's about as accurate as it gets, and this writer never saw that in her work? Astounding.

From her post:
I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down. [... ] But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.
From her apology:
A few commenters and one of my friends mentioned that my extreme reaction might have grown out of my own body issues, my history as an anorexic, and my life-long obsession with being thin. [...] I think that's an accurate insight.

From me:
This blogumnist demonstrates what i've noticed in others before: anorexia can be sympathized with, but morbid obesity cannot. Both require dangerous mental, emotional and physical obsessions. The psychoses are different, but to say 'well mine is a psychological condition and yours is pure laziness' is ignorant. If you told an anorexic he or she could change if they 'only put their mind to it' you'd be flogged.
Also, if she's spent a lifetime dealing with body issues and weight obsessions, why did it take commenting strangers and (only one?) friend to point out that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she would have a hard time being objective about the subject of positively-presented plus size tv characters? (i wonder if it was one of her 'few plump friends'...) She never paused to think that the real voice writing this post might be the troubled person she's been battling to quiet her whole life? Gollum, meet Smeagol, Smeagol, meet Gollum.

i'm not saying we all have to love everyone all the time....well, there's THIS.... damn. Let me try that again:
This writer isn't required to share my opinion or yours. She isn't required to even obey generally accepted rules of social conduct. She has the right to free speech and can shout, 'People who don't look/act/think like me are less worthy and should be sterilized!!!!' from the rooftops. BUT- to be employed as a magazine writer, to accept an assignment, and then to ramble thoughtlessly (and not even eloquently, i might add. (She's a rather poor writer in general.)) is irresponsible. To then be surprised at readers' disappointment in her thoughtlessness is demonstrative of a clear lack of maturity on her part and a true lack of professionalism by her and her superiors. Hilariously, she opens her post by calling herself "kind of clueless." Too bad it's in reference to current television shows and not, more accurately, WORDS AND WHAT THEY MEAN.

In sum, she shouldn't have apologized for what she wrote.

She should've read what she wrote in the first place and either accepted it or put it in the trash where it belonged.

Lord, what a dope. Can't wait to buy her novel.

sprouted

2010-09-07T13:23:00.001-07:00

introducing

Theo Bennett Markle

Born August 21, 2010, 5:37 am

7.49 lbs, 19 inches

Likes: boobs, thumbs, pre-war Scandinavian type treatments

Dislikes: nudity, cold, TBS sitcoms

Hobbies: creative application of urine throughout the pediatrician's office

(photos and video by Jesse Rosten)

as it turns out, people still write poetry

2010-08-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Your dreams are stupid.

2010-08-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

i'm a big fan of the tv series Rescue Me, created and written by and starring Denis Leary. i don't know why this show isn't snapping up awards and accolades left and right, because it has an amazing ensemble cast and manages to tap dance between hilarious and harrowing and deeply human every single episode. It's so well-written and acted. It's gritty, and not to be watched with your grandmother (unless granny is a retired NYC firefighter), but i think you should put it in your Netflix or Blockbuster queueueue....ue. Thank me later.

Anyway, here's Denis Leary discussing parenting on Jimmy Fallon last night. Since Mr. Perfect and i are soon to join the parenting club, i am taking Monsieur Leary's advice very, very seriously.

(insert rant title here)

2010-08-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

Rawr rawr rawr GIFT RECIEPTS!!!! rawr rawr NOT THAT COMPLICATED A SYSTEM!!! rawr rawr rawr rawr saves YOUR money and the recipient's time rawr rawr otherwise both parties LOSE rawr lowest sale price rawr rawr rawr FORTY NINE CENTS FOR RECEIVING BLANKETS?!?! rawr rawr rawr rawr return policies rawr corporate retail rawr rawr rawr.

(Thank goodness for Macy's and Kohls, whose return policies are actually customer-friendly and make everyone else's look like poopy-covered Nazism.)

battle of the books

2010-07-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a debate over a conflict that I'm not really sure exists. It's the book battle. Classic paper version vs e-book reader version (ie, Kindle, Nook, iPad). The debate is usually about which is more practical, will e-readers replace books, is it really reading, etc. i don't really get where the drama is coming from. I don't own an e-reader, but I have a handful of read-y friends who do. The common denominator is that they're all voracious readers and they're all frequent travellers, whether for business or pleasure. Here's my rundown of how they compare, even though i maintain its an 'apples and oranges' debate that only exists because bookish types usually need something to be insufferable about.

I vacationed to Las Vegas with a Kindle owner in May and I packed three books/several inches of valuable suitcase space per her 1 Kindle, an easy carry-on in her purse. Point- technology
E-reader: 1, paper book: 0

We spent a great deal of time by the pool on our vacation, and I was free to stand or float in the water and read my $9 paperback worry free, whereas my pal either had to risk dropping her Kindle in the drink or stay by the side of the pool and hope no drunks (or entitled Euro-types) got splashy. Point- classic paper
E-reader: 1, paper book: 1

About a third of the way through my $9 paperback ('Shutter Island', if you're curious), it began molting pages and chunks of pages until the page I was on was literally the first page of the book. Not a huge deal, since I paid bottom dollar and it was only meant as a 'pool read' anyway, but still annoying to have loose pages all over my bag and lounge chair. Naturally, my friend's Kindle wasn't shedding. Point- technology
E-reader: 2, paper book: 1

I lost my place in my book, glimpsed a passage much further along in the story, and had a major plot point spoiled for me. The Kindle allows readers to switch between different books while keeping them exactly where they left off. You'd have to press alot of buttons to accidentally read the end of your thriller. Point- technology
E-reader: 3, paper book: 1

When I got tired of reading and was feeling sunburned (you didn't think we'd left the pool did you? Never!!!!) I could open my book and shield my face and take a little nap. You'd need to be noseless a la Voldemort for that classic move to work with a Kindle. Point- classic paper
E-reader: 3, paper book: 2

If anyone at the pool got a case of sticky fingers once my friend and i had dozed off (me under my paper tent and she under sunglasses or a floppy hat), I was only out $9 and one book (and probably my iPhone and ear buds) whereas my friend would've been out $379+ and several books (and probably her iPhone and ear buds). This rule also applies to misplacing books. Point- classic paper
E-reader: 3, paper book: 3

If she and I had both been reading 'Shutter Island', and Dennis Lehane had walked up and taken the lounge chair next to us and started chatting with us about Boston (his area of interest) or the MGM lion habitat (ours), I could have gushed, told him I was a big fan of his work, and scrounged up a pen with which he could've autographed my copy of his book. (Of course, depending on when this happened, he would've had to sign page 179 instead of the title page, since the first third of my paperback had long since fallen apart.) My friend could've gotten her Kindle signed, I guess, provided we'd scrounged a felt-tip pen that wouldn't get smear-y. And from then on she would have Dennis' signature on her Kindle even when she was reading Jumpa Lahiri or Anne Patchett. Awwwwkwaaaard. Point- classic paper
E-reader: 3, paper book: 4

Hypothetical Dennis has to go, but hypothetically thanks us for being marvelous lounge neighbors before he departs. (He's hypothetically meeting with some film producers about the rights to his hypothetical newest book and was very receptive to our opinions on casting.) Back to reading in the bright desert sun by the pool. I have to squint to read the tiny print on my $9 paperback and I have to position myself so as to turn pages and read two different 'sides' of the book. If I were reading at night, by book light (which I often must do since I married a non-reader who is needy enough to want to sleep in the DARK), the physical complications would be compounded. My friend's Kindle is ergonomically suited for optimum visualization and the twitch of her thumb 'turns the page'. I am jealous. (though it IS easier to handle a paperback once it has molted the first third, then half, then two thirds of its pages). Point- technology
E-reader: 4, paper book: 4

Had I wanted to read something that could be embarassing, like a bodice-ripping romance novel or 'Going Rogue', I'd have had to either suck it up and be public about it or go to absurd lengths to hide my book's cover behind a magazine, junior high style. (although, don't people usually hide magazines behind books?) In reality, everyone knew exactly what book I was reading, but no one knew if my friend was reading something as exceptional as 'Ulysses' or as mortifying as 'New Moon'. This 'publicity' factor protects the reader from positive or negative judgement, but also hampers any dialogue that might arise from the chosen literature, like when you see someone reading your favorite book and you engage them, or when someone sees you reading a book they've been curious about and a conversation arises from there. Ah, the bibliophilic community! It's a nice thing, isn't it? It's more intrusive to ask a Kindle reader what he/she is reading. I wonder how many potential romantic pick-ups were squashed by that anonymous plastic case.... Anyway, since I'm not prone to reading things I'm not proud of (that sounded alot snottier than it was meant to) the e-reader's privacy offer has little significance to me. But I still see its value, so we'll score this round thusly: half point: technology
E-reader: 4.5, paper book: 4

Outside the vacation situation, there is 'the library factor'. i love having books in my home. Some people put up pictures from their travels, or collect and display antiques or oddities or art, and some of us display our books: our own travel memorabilia and art pieces all mixed in to one. (even if we only travel in our miiiiinds) There's also the perk of being able to loan out a book to a friend, which piggybacks the 'gift factor' wherein it's more fun to give someone a prettily wrapped paper book than a....file. (i don't know how individual Kindle books work. i assume it's like iTunes?) My Kindle-owning friend has stacks of books around her home from her pre-Kindle days but now, if she wants a tabletop version of something she read and loved on her Kindle, she'd essentially have to buy the book twice. Point: classic paper

E-reader: 4.5, paper book: 5

When I began this, I had no idea of how the score would work out. (Also, it's 2 am and I'm typing this all out on my iPhone while in bed (in the DARK) and without my contacts or glasses.) i had little agenda beyond pointing out the absurdity of the debate: people are reading, that is always a good thing. Whether they read via paper or screen doesn't matter. If i were a traveller or commuter, i'd probably have a e-reader. i don't think they'll replace paper books, but frankly i'm not sure. All of my music is now invisible: i buy it online and press a few buttons and it's in my car, pocket and home and i never touch it with my hands. "But books!" the purists cry, "they've been around foreverrrr and they're historicaaaalllll!" (purists have odd speech patterns) Well, purists, music is as ancient and historical as books and look how our culture has changed its form. Sure, people still buy vinyl, but you know who those people are? Yep. PURISTS. My hypothesis is that if the e-reader continues to proliferate the way it has been, paper books won't be eliminated, but the way we buy them will change and they'll become like vinyl: sought, collected, treasured, instead of voraciously consumed. If i'm right, then the paper books i have all over my house may become valuable someday... maybe even my desiccated $9 copy of 'Shutter Island'.

cime scene

2010-07-21T11:56:00.001-07:00

When Mr. Perfect was a little tyke, he had his own Cabbage Patch doll- a boy doll whose name has been lost to history. We acquired him, along with a cache of other childhood treasures, from Mama Perfect a year or so ago. When it came time to announce our pregnancy to The World, we picked up a cheap baby carrier (the Bjorn knockoff, if you will) and unearthed the Cabbage Patch. In doing so, we christened him Carlos, after the 'found' baby in The Hangover and even equipped him with some sunglasses. Josh wore Carlos to work and told his peers he was practicing for fatherhood (thus, announcing). Carlos has been lurking around our living area ever since and added a diaper to his outfit when Mr. Perfect decided he should probably learn how to apply one. He also donned a hat, though i don't remember why.

So to sum up: Carlos the doll had been living happily, and fully dressed, in the entry for a matter of months. Last night we went to the movies and left Penny and Stella in the house unsupervised, as we often do. They'd been fed, to ward off any hunger-related mischief, and left with air conditioning and lights on and each other's company.

This is what we returned to:

Carlos' naked body, splayed face-up in a different room, with his hair disheveled and ankle tendon chewed off. THE HORRORRRRR! His clothes were scattered all over the place. Exhibits B-E (and i apologize for the blurry photos; i was overcome with emotion (which may have been horror... but may have been hilarity)):

And i'm no CSI, but i think i spy a pretty irrefutable DNA sample left behind by the culprit, which confirms my suspicions about who the alpha of the criminal partnership is:

To recap, two creatures, neither possessing opposable thumbs, 'allegedly' plucked Carlos from atop a dresser in another room, transported him into the living room, removed two shoes, two socks, pants, a diaper, a shirt and a hat, and left him exposed in his shame. Clearly, we're going to have get Carlos into therapy to do all we can to stave off any PTSD. He hasn't said much since the incident, but he was never very chatty in the first place.
(Here's where i struggle with whether it's TOO inappropriate to make a 'show me on the doll...' joke.)
Maybe the dogs thought he looked overheated in his sweatsuit, shoes, socks, diaper and beanie and felt they were doing him a service by stripping him bare? All we know is that they were pretty proud of themselves, while poor Carlos' face was a frozen rictus, trapping a fateful night behind those wide eyes.

the town the film

2010-07-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Just stumbled upon this trailer for The Town, and it looks goooood. It's directed by Ben Affleck, which will either make you roll your eyes or sit up a little in your chair. The eye-rollers obviously did not see what us sit-uppers did: his directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone, based on the book by Mystic River and Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane (all excellent books, by the way). As a reader, i can vouch that he did an astounding job with Gone Baby Gone and would recommend anyone not too faint of heart to go check out both the literary and film versions. (It contains some very difficult material, in the heinous-crimes-against-children vein and is set among some very gritty places and people.)

Anyway, the cast of The Town (yeah, not that gripping a title, but i'll reserve judgment) boasts, in addition to Affleck, Hurt Locker's Jeremy Renner (who happens to sing, and sing WELL but i don't think he sings in this movie), Chris Cooper, JON HAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!, and Rebecca Hall, who Lyn recently reminded me was super great in The Prestige. Oh, and that one blonde from Gossip Girl who doesn't move her mouth when she talks (again, reserving judgment). It's a Boston-based bank-robbery type movie and it looks like quality entertainment. Let's go see it.

Our blog template tends to chop off the sides of videos so if you want a better viewing experience, you can watch it HERE.

(Also, i think this beats my record for 'number of parenthetical asides per non-parenthetical writing in a single post'. i now recognize that i have an addiction.)

the pregnancy industry: preventing over-population with every effort!

2010-07-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

i just want to read a story, internet. JUST. WANT. STORYYYYY.

And not the story of the beautiful, fertile woman who abandons her every selfish whim to do X with/for her newborn and, in doing so, ensures she and her infant will be forever followed around by a golden light of health and happiness.

And not the story of the evil, arrogant feminist who doesn't do X and therefore cruelly condemns her infant to a life of allergies! low test scores!! and irritable behavior!!! never to be corrected because mom was a BAD BAD MOMMY who couldn't get her infant to latch/sleep/poop properly!!!!!!

And so help me, if i see one more photo or drawing of a woman who is dressed and styled like she crawled out of the bowels of the 70s, i will take my dog and move outer space and never come back. If my husband wants to meet his offspring, he'll have to come along.

My (crackpot) theory: the pregnancy industry is why the population is getting dumber/nuttier/tasteless...er. i don't know about you, but my smart, stylish, savvy friends are all refusing to have kids, and i suspect it's partly because they believe they'll have to give up their style and savvy immediately upon being fertilized. i can't really blame them. The 'What To Expect' book series, widely regarded as the Holiest Of All among its peers, looks like the book equivalent of the culottes your Great Aunt Janice would buy for your Christmas present at her local Salvation Army.

The other books have groan-worthy titles you're embarrassed to be seen purchasing, like 'The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding'. (Why yes! There IS a beatific, 70s-era woman serenely-yet-brazenly breastfeeding a Perfect Baby on the cover! Enjoy landing with that book at the 18 yr old male checker's station at Borders.) Lordy. Is there any other word as gaggy as 'womanly'??

If you've never had the pleasure of reading this literature, trust me, it's nearly all cheese, all the time. i'm not sentimental (surprise!!!!!), but i have to wonder if even the sentimental, 'feeeeelinggggg' preggos out there don't get tired of all the saccharine-covered blathering in these books. The problem is that they established themselves as The Sources for information decades ago when there was little competition and have been stalwart ever since. Yes, they're informative, but only in between all the filler.

To be fair: there are more recent additions to the genre that eschew the poetry and propaganda, or at least have updated cover art and layout design. i am deeply thankful for them and hope they take their own advice and procreate. So far one favorite is Dr. Oz's 'You: Having a Baby', which tells it like it is (very efficiently and informatively) and has an easy, relatable voice. Ie:

In the world of fetal development, the 10-fingers, 10-toes test gets all the attention, but we all know that this digital obsession is a mere symbol of the bigger picture: making sure everything's humming along perfectly during the 40 weeks of gestation. That's especially true when it comes to the newborn noggin'.

i also love 'The Baby Name Wizard' which ditches the notions of listing every name's meaning (pointless) and origin (nebulous) and opts instead to give you an idea of just how many other 'creative' parents are naming their future car salesmen Cayden. (Hint: a bajillion. Avoid.) There are a growing number of fun, savvy pregnancy/child-rearing memoirs like 'It Sucked and Then I Cried' and 'Didn't I Feed You Yesterday?' and i'm all for those, but i would really like it if the staples were updated for the new generation of breeders.

Por ejemplo, i'm going to rewrite the atrociously painful 'Womanly Art of Breastfeeding' and call it 'Milked: How to Master the Art of Feeding Your Little Sucker'. Instead of nauseating bologna like, "with his small head pillowed against your breast and your milk warming his insides, your baby knows a special closeness to you. He is gaining a firm foundation in an important area of life: he is learning about love", (i'll pause a moment to give you the chance to gag and/or throw up) (their unspoken alternative: a bottle-fed baby will never know love and therefore will be a sociopath) i will say things like, "it's pretty spiffy how you get to be a human crock pot complete with every nutrient another human needs... and it's FREE!" And due to the absence of cheese and propaganda, my book will be just as informative without being 460+ pages long, because i happen to know that being pregnant actually REDUCES the hours of productivity in a given day and we, the fertilized, are busy people who don't have unlimited time to sit in a holy pool of light reading about how suckling an infant is "beyond even one's wildest dreams." (Sorry if that made you gag again. And yes, it says that. Apparently its target reader does not have very wild dreams.)

Argh. For the record, i'm not anti-breastfeeding at all. What i am opposed to is telling women who are physically or situationally unable to breastfeed that they're failures and their kid is doomed. (Exaggeration? perhaps, but unfortunately not as much as you'd think.) i realize this is part of what comes out of literature published in 1958, but for that and other reasons i think it's time to trim the propaganda and give the modern pregnant woman what she needs: reassurance in her abilities and encouragement to take it all on with style and grace and guns blazing.

....i swore that having a baby would not mean that i'd start posting posts chock full of awkward words like 'breastfeeding'. Fail.

mad style is just that

2010-06-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

i love the tv series Mad Men. This is not news. One of the reasons for my affection is the impeccable set design and the award-winning costuming by Janie Bryant. i, of course, have absolutely zero knowledge of life in 1960s Manhattan, not even peripherally, so it's all very foreign to me in a strange way that Americana can be foreign to an American. (i don't know if that makes sense, but do me a favor and pretend it does.)

Mad Men is packed with subtext and nuance and the costuming is no exception. i didn't realize just how thoroughly realized the show is until some of my favorite bloggers, Tom and Lorenzo, took on the mammoth task of analyzing the costuming of a range of characters on an episode-by-episode basis. Tom and Lorenzo ("TLo" to their followers) entered the blogosphere via their affection for Project Runway and fashion in general. Lucky for me, they also developed bloggy obsessions for Lost and Mad Men and they introduced me to the marvels of RuPaul and the wonderful world of drag.

Their Mad Men recaps and analyses consistently expose me to entire levels of meaning both in the writing of the show and in a cultural history i would otherwise know very little about. To say i am a devoted fan of theirs would be an understatement. i thought my affection was complete, and THEN they started doing 'Mad Style', the aforementioned analyses of the costuming, and my brain exploded. They notice EVERYTHING about a given character's outfit in a given scene: how it clashes or blends with the set, how the fabrics, fit, colors, prints, shape and accessories clash or coordinate with the other characters in the scene, how it falls in the arc of the character's development, how it fits or doesn't fit into the character's social standing, etc, etc. EXHAUSTIVE and FASCINATING. Here's a tidbit example:

We LOVE this dress, which is a bit of a herald for the mod styles that will come in only a few years. Joan would never wear the mod styles and truth be told, such a graphic dress is a bit unusual for Joan, but she'll wear a dress that forces men to look at her and this one fits the bill nicely.
The graphic quality helps to highlight some of the emotional turmoil she's feeling regarding Roger. She's normally a solid column of color or tone on tone and every now and then breaks out a high contrast skirt and blouse combo, but this is entirely outside her wheelhouse as we've come to understand it. Bottom line: the relationship with Roger is getting dangerous from an emotional standpoint (something she's normally good about avoiding) and it's reflected in this dress.

Obviously, TLo's series of posts is a must for any Mad Men fan, but it would also be of interest to anyone with experience with or curiosity about 1960's fashions and customs, or the arts of set design and costuming and how those work together with writing and casting a film or television show. Before you go devour the (15 and counting) posts, be advised that they contain plot spoilers. If you ever plan on watching Mad Men from the beginning, you should start now and wait to do Mad Style until you have S1 under your belt. Season 4 starts next month (July 25, i think), so if you want to jump in midstream now (totally doable, by the way- it's not one of those shows you MUST watch from the beginning), and you want a good analysis/recap of the first 3 seasons along with some excellent insight into costuming, you should totally tackle Mad Style.

Do you trust me? You should, and if you do, you will take up Mad Style (and Mad Men, if you don't already watch. Which...if you don't, i don't understand whyyyyyyy)

not miserable

2010-06-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Being that i'm just shy of 7 months pregnant, and being that the genetic lottery has determined i'm a relatively lithe person, and being that maternity clothes are UUUUUUGLY and i have no budget for them anyway so i'm just stretching my regular t-shirts and tank tops over the basketball attached to my torso, it's safe to say i'm noticeably pregnant. This of course leads to strangers engaging in conversation with me about my 'state'. The checker at Chevron, the guy at Costco, strangers at church, people in parking lots....en totum. It usually goes something like this:

How far along are you?

When are you due?

Oh, all summer huh?

Do you know what you're having?

Do you have a name picked out?

Is this your first?

Are you excited?

Friends and acquaintances ask if i'm tired of strangers getting all up in my biz and asking awkward questions, but i'm honestly not. (And not just because the questions are usually accompanied by compliments about how great i look.) So far no one has asked me anything terribly personal and, aside from the aforementioned Chevron checker asking 'so are you totally miserable?' i haven't fielded anything i wasn't prepared to answer. The way i see it, people see 'pregnancy' in flashing neon and an instinctual excitement clicks on and they want to connect with it in the only socially acceptable way available to them: conversation. We pass a hundred people every day in the grocery store, coffee shop, bank, etc and have no known way of connecting with them beyond a gripe about gas prices or a comment on what's in the produce section, so when there's something that inspires a fundamental sense of shared experience, who am i to begrudge what comes out of that? Every person born becomes a part of our experience as citizens, and in Times Like These, when things are being slashed and tightened and restricted and hoarded, anything representing abundance and growth and future has an extra measure of wonder thrust upon it. i'm fine with that. You should be too. As thinking and feeling as we humans are, we are also primal creatures. Primally, when our species reproduces, it means we'll have someone to care for us when we're old and infirm and it means the work we accomplish in our lifetimes will not have been in vain because there are future members to take advantage of it and to continue it on to greater purposes. It doesn't bother me when strangers quiz me about my state of fertility, not because i'm soooo enlightened, but because it's obvious they're excited and since i'm excited, why can't we all be excited together? It's good for the tribe. i obviously don't speak for every pregnant woman waddling around in the world right now and there are certainly those who guard their privacy moreso than i do mine, but this is me telling you that if you encounter a pregnant stranger, it is okay to engage her in polite conversation in order to express your primal joy. (Remember: it is not okay to touch her stomach any more than it is okay to touch a non-pregnant stranger's stomach.) Saying, "observing your fertility has made me excited" is NOT a good idea (especially if you're a man) because she'll think you're a dangerously weird pregophile, but you can say, "a baby on the way! That's exciting! Gooo species!!" or something to that effect. Okay? Glad we had this little chat.

**Edited to add: Erin K. reminded me of one line of questioning i've received that, although frightfully prevalent, does NOT fall under the umbrella of 'appropriate' or 'polite' and that is the, 'Were you trying to have a baby?' or 'Was this planned?' angle. i simply do not understand what answer people are looking for with this question. If the answer is 'yes', well then.....boring. If the answer is 'no' then, isn't that awkward? "Oh. So you didn't want to have a baby right now but you're pregnant so.....i'm sorry?" It's just a bizarre line of questioning that yields no fruitful conversation AND is NONE of your business! Honestly. Just be primally enthusiastic that the species is continuing and don't concern yourself with whether it was due to months of temperature-taking and strategically timed hankypanky, one night of boozy inhibition, or anything in between.

Here's something completely unrelated that restores my faith in humankind:

open letter to our neighbors

2010-05-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Dear neighbors to our left and right and across and behind (but really only to the left because, honestly, we know it was you)-

Hello! How are you? This spring weather is nutty, isn't it? i hope it means we'll have a mild summer and, fingers crossed, a minimal fire season. (You see, this is how you converse with neighbors. It doesn't have to be about weather, per se, any manner of generic conversation works to ascertain the fact that yes, we DO speak English and are therefore capable of communicating with you. We know at least one of you speaks English because we can hear you gossiping rather viciously on the phone in your back yard.) Your lawn and the exterior of your home look nice as usual. Ours, we know, does not. You may not realize this, (because you've never asked) but we're renovating the interior of our home at the moment. (You probably could've guessed as much when a few months ago we had drywallers coming and going from our house for several days, or when, last August, we removed several truckloads of rubble from the inside of our house, via the front door. I'm surprised you didn't inquire about the source of the rubble, since it was kind of a curious thing to remove that much stone and concrete (and a freaking LOG) from INSIDE a house. i know i would've been intrigued if i saw a neighbor doing so and i would have struck up a conversation about their renovation project. But i've since learned you prefer accusations to inquiries, so, there's that.) Anyway, we realize that, from the outside, we are the unsightliest house on the street. (You needn't point that out, but you did anyway.) What you may not know (because you don't ask) is that inside our house is a myriad of logistical issues that take priority for everyday living, moreso than new siding, exterior paint, and landscaping do. (There's the lack of a bathtub, the drainage and flooding issues, the half of our garage fairly unusable because the previous owners were growing marijuana in it....oh and several aesthetic issues like wood paneling and dirt floors) Being first-time homeowners, (yes, we are first-timers, as you condescendingly surmised in that one letter you wrote wherein you declared us 'overwhelmed' and therein suggested we made poor judgements of our resources when we purchased the house) we have to stretch our dollars strategically, and take small steps toward our goals. We're truly sorry we can't offer a more pleasing landscape for you to live next to. You don't know us well (or at all, see: note about making conversation), but we are visual, artistic people who come from good families with high standards of home and garden upkeep. Being thus, we are embarrassed of our home's unsightliness on a regular basis. (Yes, your drawing attention to its failure to compare with yours does indeed add to our humiliation. No, large amounts of embarrassment cannot be used as currency at the Lowe's Garden Center; we've checked.) Rest assured that when we have the resources, we will attend to the issue with gusto (and we'll pray that it meets your standards of visual interest and environmental specificity because you will no doubt find a way to bring it to our attention (not via conversation, of course) if it does not).

The purpose of this letter was to address your concern over the safety of the public waterway that runs through our property. You may have noticed that the city of Redding, does not attend to or in any way maintain said storm drain. (The absence of their maintenance probably had much to do with its flooding all over our property and the street last March.) There are many things that grow in the storm drain and infringe upon our property and it attracts copious amounts of noisy frogs and various critters like skunks and possums. (In fact, due to the poor upkeep of both the storm drain and our home (under the previous owner), we had both skunks and possums living IN our walls when we moved in. Did YOU have to eradicate wildlife from your home when you first moved in? Again: a little conversation goes a long way in understanding others' situations.) That being said, as frustrating as the storm drain's presence is to us, we refrain from taking extreme measures to deal with it, as we realize it IS a public waterway. Therefore, when someone ("anonymously") filed a claim with the Shasta County Agriculture Bureau declaring that we were poisoning public waterways via pesticides, we were hurt. (We heart the planet, which may be difficult for you to believe since we.....have an ugly house?) We were also a little confused, because by simply looking at the very fertile and thriving plants overflowing from the storm drain, it would be clear that we hadn't put anything in it to infringe upon the natural process of Things Growing. (Yes, we used pesticides (Round-Up) in our yard, because our 'yard' is actually just a plot of weeds. See: Neglect of previous, marijuana-smoking owners. You don't seem to like the weeds so we killed them, lest they spread into your admittedly nice and well-kept yard. The Round-Up turned our yard a lovely, crispy brown. There is a clear line of crispy brown vs vibrant green between the edge of our yard and the edge of the storm drain because we were precise in our application and did NOT spray in the public waterway. Is every member of your family colorblind? If so, that would explain your assumption of our guilt, though it would not explain why you didn't just ask us in person.) Based on the "anonymous" claim to the Ag Bureau, a nice man named Mr. Yingst drove out to our house to investigate and talk to Josh. Fortunately, Mr. Yingst (is not colorblind and) quickly determined that we were clearly within the law in our dealings with the pesky storm drain and our application of pesticide, and that no harm would come to the public or its waterways. (He was quite annoyed, if you must know, at the blatant falseness of your claim. Way to piss off a public employee!) He expressed his sympathy for our storm drain plight and then he apologized for taking our time and left. (i'm pretty sure his salary is tax-payer funded, so i hope you realize how your actions effected the rest of us and Mr. Yingst's ability to investigate legitimate dangers to other public waterways in Shasta County.) We thought you'd like to know the results of the claim. We have the official paperwork if you'd like to see it (though you'll have to come to the door and ask. Verbally. Which means talking to us.).

That's all the business we wanted to attend to with you. Please feel free to discuss any questions or concerns with us. We want to be good neighbors, so if our lifestyle or our pets or whatever are causing problems, we can only rectify the situation if it's brought to our attention. We promise to be as forthright and respectful with you, should the need arise. (Also, get a life. Don't be mean. And buy a house within a Home Owners' Association next time, if you're that concerned with how your neighbors' properties look.)

Sincerely,

The Markles

on Bradbury

2010-04-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

i realized that i hadn't updated the gem in the sidebar in quite a while, and it's not so cold anymore so i went a-hunting for a new gem. Being between books at the moment, i didn't have a source at hand, so i used the Google machine to find a good Ray Bradbury quote to use as our gem for the next indeterminate phase. Why Ray Bradbury? *heavy sigh* He's only the greatest writer ever. That's all. In this moment i've just decided to read everything he's ever written before i die. i've much to do then. Yes. Much reading lies ahead. If you're a fan, let me know if you have a recommendation for how to tackle my new task. Thanks.

Lovely, i'm glad we got to share this moment....which was inspired by my fear of going to bed because bed is not a happy place for me anymore. It is an itchy place, full of itching. And not sleeping. (HAVE A BABY! PREGNANCY IS SUPER FUN! LIKE TOTALLY!)

Anyway, the reasons a simple gem switch-out got turned into a full post: i hadn't posted in a bit and i kinda sorta promised i would post more, and :there are too many Bradbury gems to choose from and you need more than one to get you through your life. i feel responsible to share them with you. You needn't have read any Bradbury to appreciate him (though if you haven't i gently weep for you). i had the immense, unbelievable privilege to hear him speak and to have him sign my copy of Fahrenheit 451 when i was but a lowly undergrad at PLNU. Internet, he can speak. About life, writing, imagination, work, humanity, great lays and mad geniuses, craft and joy.... it was breathtaking. Literally. i found myself holding my breath more than once. i'm pretty sure i cried too. It was that overwhelming. (you can watch the 2001 interview here, it's about 30 mins long) i've declared this before (somewhere, to someone, though i don't recall): the day Ray Bradbury leaves this earth i will drink heavily and be very melancholy and nostalgic and generally unbearable to be around. i will mourn. Be prepared.

Anyway. Here are the gems i selected for you.

"We are the miracle of force and matter making itself over into imagination and will. Incredible. The Life Force experimenting with forms. You for one. Me for another. The Universe has shouted itself alive. We are one of the shouts."

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things."

"Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spent the rest of the day putting the pieces together."

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

"If you dream the proper dreams, and share the myths with people, they will want to grow up to be like you."

"Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for."

"My stories run up and bite me on the leg - I respond by writing down everything that goes on during the bite. When I finish, the idea lets go and runs off."

"We are anthill men upon an anthill world."

"You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them."

"You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world."

"Anything you dream is fiction, and anything you accomplish is science, the whole history of mankind is nothing but science fiction. "

"You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance."

"If you stuff yourself full of poems, essays, plays, stories, novels, films, comic strips, magazines, music, you automatically explode every morning like Old Faithful. I have never had a dry spell in my life, mainly because I feed myself well, to the point of bursting. I wake early and hear my morning voices leaping around in my head like jumping beans. I get out of bed to trap them before they escape."

and now i understand

2010-04-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

For quite some time now i've been mystified by the popularity of Glenn Beck.

i am not a fan.

There are many things/people/trends of which i'm not a fan, but i can still understand at least a bit of why others are drawn to them. Try as i might, i cannot understand Glenn Beck's appeal. Here's where i admit that 'try as i might' means 'i don't try terribly hard.' Frankly, there are only 24 hours in the day and since i only sleep about 4 of those hours anymore, i don't want to spend too much of my precious 20 thinking about why people devote themselves to an angry man and his angry ideas. i guess i just assumed that angry follows angry. Or begets. Or whatever. It's just that it's one thing to agree with someone's positions or ideas, it's another to cheer on that person's vitriol and their propagation of general bitterness and disunity. That's where i lose track of the WHYYYY?? of it all.

Then, in the magical land of Facebook, a friend pondered the very same question (albeit more graciously than i) and later posted the following as how he understands it all to work. Though this video is a few years old and never mentions Glenn Beck, i think it deftly explains his type and the type that are his many fans. Perhaps you too have been befuddled by the hype; here is the key. Or perhaps you are a fan; here is how i understand you. If it's incorrect, please explain.

But i think it's correct.

tirades available upon request

2010-03-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

A blog-less friend was recently lamenting the abuses of those esteemed systems: social networking sites, and asked that i take the fight to the people (you know, the 2 people who follow my ramblings). Blogs are lovely because you're mostly anonymous and therefore unaccountable for that which you self-righteously spew. To counter that shifty reality, i give you this nugget to de-anonymize myself: i once accidentally torched my family's whole front yard in an effort to get the toilet paper out of our trees after my older brother's 'friends' toilet papered our property, even though said brother was living over six hundred miles away at the time. (super cool prank, guys) There, now you KNOW me on a deep (yet non-biblical) level.

Social networking sites: (ie Facebook) The purpose is for parties with mutual interests to come together and share those mutual interests. Friends share friendships, fans fanaticize the objects of their fantasies, charities connect with likehearted individuals, and kicks and giggles are shared by people of mutual kickable-gigglage. What makes it work is the natural connections of commonality and the natural divergence of those without any overlapping interests. For something so tech-based, it is actually quiet organic in function. Being thus, the network should not be forced. Unfortunately, there are 3 main categories of abusers who force the network to do things it shouldn't, and i'm calling them out.

(*precursor: when i mention repeated requests i don't mean a 2nd request, because that could be the result of someone forgetting they already made an initial request. i'm talking about the 3rd, 4th, 5th requests and beyond.)

Abuser 1: the Alma Mater Bludgeoner

This is the guy or girl who went to the same high school as you and considers that reason enough for you to be Facebook friends. You probably never even knew him/her in high school, he/she may not have been in your graduating class, and maybe you're both already in the FHS RULZ! GO COUGARS!! fan club, but this person still thinks you should be FRIENDS. You scan for mutual friends, don't see any of significance, hit "Ignore." Then the bludgeoning begins: a few days later, there's another request. You hit "Ignore", this time with emphasis (only the emphasis of a mouse click is for naught, sadly). A few days later, ANOTHER REQUEST! Now, if they're so convinced they're deserving of friendship, wouldn't they send a note along with your request? Like, 'remember? you cheated off my quiz that one time in remedial PE?' or 'hey, i don't know if you remember me, but i had the locker next to yours and i used to try to smell your hair while you pretended i didn't exist.' Even if it were bizarre, the explanation would at least give the repeated requests some legitimacy. But a lack of note is the first sign of an Alma Mater Bludgeoner. They simply have no concept of how a social network works and are only friend-collectors. Deny these people: if you've already let them in, delete them. 9 out of 10 won't even notice and the 1 who does is actually not a Bludgeoner, but has just been outed as a creepy stalker and you don't want to encourage that kind of behavior anyway. (if you do, you probably luuUUUuuv Twilight and have deeper issues that i don't feel like dealing with.)

Abuser 2: the Pious Pusher

i can't tell you how many times i've declined one friend's invitation to become a fan of a particular charity for clean water in a certain country. It's not because i don't think there sh

ould be clean drinking water for everyone on the planet (believe me, i do) but because i have a personal policy to choose my charities carefully, lest i become one of those who 'stands for everything and falls for anything.' i subscribe to the quality over quantity system of charity. i have certain issues and causes that are important to me because of my interests and background and i can better focus on them if i don't have 35 other fanpages/groups to keep up with. If i see someone in my news feed joining the fandom of charity after charity, i form the opinion that that person is more a fan of looking charitable than of actually doing good. This is where the haters stand up and declare me THE MOST DEFENSIVE CYNIC EVERRRRR! which is partly true, so there. Now try sailing without any wind, haters! Anyway: Pious Pusher who has invited me to support the Haiti Water Project at least 10 times- your first few requests were part of a noble effort, but the last 7 made you seem like a self-righteous, judgmental jerk, especially since you never actually talk to me or engage in any other way. Do not abuse the network system. Cut your losses and spend your energy on parties who share your focus.

Abuser 3: the Boorish Blogger

This abuser has a wordpress or blogspot blog in addition to alllll the time and updating they put into their Facebook. The abuse comes in to play when they repeatedly suggest that you become a fan or follower of their blog. Often, the Boorish Blogger is already posting links to their blog in their statuses and updates, so you've already been repeatedly introduced to the blog. If this is the case, there's no need for ANY formal suggestion or request of your fanship, because if you saw anything you liked in their repeated posts, you would've taken the initiative to become a fan or follower already. Remember- social networking is an organic system and process. If they have to ask, it's probably already a lost cause and repeated requests only make them seem intrusive and desperate. With both the Pious Pusher and Boorish Blogger, if you're in regular face-to-face contact with the Abuser, their repeated online requests are in fact putting you in an awkward position and are therefore rude. Sidebar: i once had a job that was very dull, and my boss had the 4-inch thick, enormous "Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" which she instructed i read during the slow hours. They were all slow hours, so i got very acquainted with etiquette. Any repeated request after an initial decline is poor etiquette, a repeated request by someone that you become THEIR fan, is especially off-putting.

Did i miss any form of abuse? Comment sections are for explaining, kitties. Use it.

If you or someone you know....or someone you don't know who keeps sending you requests....fit the description of one or more of these abuser profiles, please seek help and direct them to do the same. Take a step back and think about if you really want to force your self or your cause onto others and thereby manipulate a perfectly functional organic system into one of awkward obligation and falsehood. Life is already packed full of obligation, don't make it worse. JUST LET IT BE!

on secret seedlings

2010-03-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

Dear, Strange, Reader,

i left you with nary a post for a while (though i was thoughtful enough to leave you in the hands Captain Amazing all that time. You're welcome.) and it's generally been slow going the last, oh, 15 weeks. Because, (see: there IS a reason... besides laziness and lack of inspiration) when you can't say Something, then you're afraid to say Anything. Classic avoidance of bean spillage. If i simply don't speak, i cannot accidentally say what i'm not allowed to say, right?? Children employ this technique regularly. Bloggers too, evidently.

If you're semi-local or Facebook friends with either Mr. Perfect or myself, you know by now that we are currently sprouting a Baby Perfect (so-called in the desperate hopes that It takes after the husband) and are about 3 months into that process. It was a secret for the first 13 weeks because i'm the emotional equivalent of a paranoid shut-in. It might have remained a secret until said sprout was birthed and squirming around in the world if it

weren't for that pesky weight gain and 'showing' thing that fertile women can't hide from. That's just how i roll: secretly. But the handful of The Privileged Informed were getting impatient and wanted to brag to the Less Important Uninformed, so we (meaning 'i') conceded to the pressure to divulge. Mr. Perfect wanted to broadcast from day one, and my dad was particularly antsy to declare; i think it's a male pride thing, primitively speaking, though both are far from the primitive type. (Picture Tom Hanks in Castaway, madly declaring to the empty vastness: "I! HAVE MADE FIRE!!!" Then replace "fire" with "generation" and you get the sense of their eagerness.) We spread the word, kind of awkwardly. Rather, we made a few cryptic revelations and let the word spread itself because i find it very strange to publicize anything personal-health related, much less something that is the direct result of fornication. Anyway, Direct Result is due August 30th, so you'll need to excuse the various muu-muus that are going to have to get me through the ensuing hot summer, which will no doubt be very, very long, since the last 15 weeks have been The Longest Of My Liiiiiiiiiiiife.

So now that the secret is out, the dam is broken and the bloggedry floweth. Hopefully. Don't consider that a promise because i'm going through a 'never say never' phase. Advisory: i have no intention of becoming a 'mommy blogger' because there are plenty of those out there already, and i don't want this blog to become my kid's online equivalent of a baby book, so fear not: o ye haters of the obnoxious and pretentious 'worship my toddler' blogs. i fully intend to continue blathering about Nothing In Particular and the goings-on of 2 mildly entertaining pets, and climbing on the occasional soapbox. (mini-box: i haven't seen The Blind Side but nothing i've seen has demonstrated in any way that Sandra Bullock (an admirable talent) deserved that Oscar over the likes of Helen Mirren or even Gabby Sidibe.) These gems will no doubt be peppered differently now that i am (supposedly) different (or at least in a different Life Phase) and am introducing a new character into my doings, but as the Irish always say, c'est la vie.

Tutto bene,

P. Dinger

2010-01-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

You should know by now that i'm kind of obsessed with AMC's original dramatic television series, Mad Men. If you watch it, you know that it is deeply dramatic and that the heart (and heat) of the deep dramaticisms is the character of Don Draper, who is played with seething intensity by Mr. Jon Hamm. If you don't watch Mad Men, this is me sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling 'LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THIS I REFUSE LALALALALAAAAAAAAA'. And if you don't watch you probably have no idea who Jon Hamm is, because he was virtually unknown when AMC cast him as Don 'Deep Drama' Draper. You may know him as the classically handsome dude that keeps winning Emmys and Golden Globes for his work on a series that you are not watchingGOODLORDWHYAREN'TYOUWATCHING????????

Okay. i'm calm now. i had some juice and now i'm calm.

So this is mostly for the Hamm fans out there. It's a little outdated, since Mad Men is launching season 4 later this year and this piece takes place on the cusp of season 2 before the viewers learned about THAT ONE THING OMG! and THE THING WITH PEGGY! and HOLY CRAP! WITH THE DUDE! and stuff. It is an interview betwixt Paul Rudd (he of the often crass Judd Apatow comedic films but also the stepbrother in Clueless) and Jon Hamm and it is deeply, dramatically, hilarious. If you only know Jon Hamm as Don Draper, your eyes will be opened and you may have to read the interview twice. The second time you will weep with joy.

Friends, the interview takes place in a mall.

i'm pretty sure nothing substantial gets accomplished besides making the world a little better through funnyness. i think you should read it even if you're never heard of Mad Men (*this is me glaring at you*) or Jon Hamm (*looooong, heavy sigh*) or interviews. HERE IT IS AND YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. Send cookies.

Snippet:

PR: I want to know about Jon Hamm.

JH: Fine. I am an open book.

PR: You are. You're naked.

JH: I kind of thought that's how we were supposed to do these interviews.

PR: When I said, "Jon, I hope you're ready to get naked in this interview," I didn't anticipate that you would actually be physically naked.

JH: Well, it helps me to be emotionally naked if I'm physically naked.

PR: I see.

JH: Thank you, by the way, for also being naked.

Unicorns

2010-01-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

(not to be confused with Rainbow Unicorns, the smash hit single by The Pretty Pretty Princesses)

Finally saw Avatar in 3D, and have many thoughts, the foremost is this:

Is the perfect movie too much to ask for? Is it possible? Is it ever-elusive?

Okay, that was three thoughts, but my name's on the url and yours isn't.
Avatar. "Changing the movie industry forever." James Cameron didn't just write and direct this little film, he invented the technology that made it possible, built the camera, spent years making it, etc. He created new species of creatures, had a completely original language written for the natives to speak, and made it all look really, really spiffy.

But.

With alllll that originality and imagination and creativity, there were some significant retreads. Por ejemplo: it could be called "Pocahontas Dances With Wolves and the Last Samurai in Fern Gully" because the story is not original. Also not original? the use of Papyrus. All those millions of dollars and no custom font? Weak. Also? In the story, the baddies are trying to bulldoze the good guys in order to gain access to a very valuable mineral that is otherwise very difficult to obtain. The completely original name for this mineral? "Unobtainium." As my friend Daniel pointed out, why didn't they just call it "Can'tHavesies"? Trust me, the dialog was clunky enough that the mineral could've been called "Wsdvdsoiewfjnig709" and we still would've understood the situation. Also? some of the stockest stock characters seen on a major movie in a long time. You have the trigger-happy cigar-chomping militant who just wants to blast everything to kingdom come, and believes that anyone in a disagreement is an pie-eyed hippie. You also have Mr. Soulless Corporate GreedyPants, who can't see anything but dollar signs and is ignorant enough to call anything non-white a 'heathen' or 'savage' or 'fly bitten'. There are a host of other stock characters, and really, only about 2 characters in the entire cast undergo any arc at all. Everyone else is what we call 'flat', as in, no dimension. Can't really do that on a movie of this size, Mr. Cameron. You gotta have story and dimension.

i enjoyed the movie, it was a visual feast and was fun and thrilling and all that, but it also made me sad, because it could have been SO much better; it could've been perfect. If time and creativity were applied to the story and characters as diligently as it was applied to EVERYTHING else, i would proclaim it Most Worthy of Every Accolade Ever.

Does the perfect movie exist? i realize that one person's 'Anchorman' is another person's 'Gladiator', and there are certainly some excellent films out there. Let's limit our thinking to more epic fare because a film small in scope of time/space/species can be quite close to perfect. Can an Epic Blockbuster also be a Perfect Movie?

(i don't know, that's why i'm asking you.)

On Decency

2010-01-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

So you've probably heard about Pat Robertson's asinine declarations about Haiti and the earthquake. If you're unfamiliar, Pat Robertson is a Southern Baptist minister and the host of the Christian tv program, The 700 Club. Here's what he said:

There are many responses, some of which involve throwing the laptop through walls, windows, etc. Fortunately, i'm too tired and so the laptop and marriage remain in tact. Also, author Donald Miller already handled it well enough at his blog. Here is the entire post, here is an excerpt:"You seem angry and tired. Christ loves you. He is not impressed with your religious posturing. He really loves you. You don’t have to hide behind anything anymore. The good news really is that good."
Elsewhere, Jon Stewart reacted to Robertson and the equally tactless Rush Limbaugh, who decided to declare that "[the unspeakable disaster] would play right into Obama's hands" and that Obama's administration could "use [the unspeakable disaster] to burnish their credibility with the black community," both light and dark-skinned. (i wish i were joking, i really do) Jon Stewart, on Comedy Central, threw the book at these two jackasses on their respective Christian and Conservative networks. And by book, i mean The Holy Bible. Observe:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Haiti Earthquake Reactions

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Thanks to Misters Miller and Stewart and the Bible they quote, i have nothing to add beyond the plea to Robertson's and Limbaugh's fans to please reconsider your allegiances.

song 1

2009-12-31T16:45:00.001-08:00

Wow, full circle. A year ago today i was sitting on the floor of Pete's room in Mark and Tracey's house going through the painstakingly-made top 15 lists of some of my besties. i highly, highly recommend having a top 15 'party' of your own with your besties. It's enlightening and fun. It's really easy too: you plan a date and tell everyone to come with a cd of their top 15 songs, in order of toppest to 15th-est, then you take turns going through your choices and why you chose them. The only rule is that there's no judgement. 14 Britney Spears songs and 1 Muse song? So be it. You must ascribe to 'to each his/her own' when engaging in the top 15 sharing circle. Anyway, we made copies of our mixes for everyone. It's best to plan the event a month out to allow everyone time to really think about their lists, because for most, it's a challenging task. Although it has nothing to do with new years, ours happened to be on new years and it's a superb memory.

i hadn't planned on stretching out the bloglist of my top 15 for the entire year, but i just happened to realize today was the anniversary and i'm down to my number 1. How keen! Perhaps it's a sign and 2010 will be a keen year..... hmmmm....

Song One.

You know this song, it's programmed into your subconscious if you were born around or after 1979. It was originally written by Paul Williams and Kenny Ascher as a soundtrack song and recorded by Jim Henson's alter ego, Kermit, the frog. (Wiki has good backstory on this song, in case you're curious.) Many, many artists have recorded their own versions, to varying results. Sarah McLachlan has a beautiful version and the Dixie Chicks prominently feature the original's signature banjo in theirs. But these are not my choice.

My choice is Willie.

As i've said before, when i began constructing my top 15 it was helpful to list a few artists i knew were important enough to my musical life to include, and then select a favorite song from said artist. One such artist was Willie Nelson, because my siblings and i were raised on Willie, James Taylor, and the Eagles. And because like everyone else born in the early 80s, i was also raised on/by The Muppets, the natural convergence would be the song of all songs, The Rainbow Connection. Is it a little cliche of a choice? Sappy? Sure. But i'm not just choosing a childhood song, and a 'can't-we-all-just-get-along-while-we-follow-our-dreams?' song at that. i chose Willie's version for it's musicality. (Kermit, bless his goofy heart, is not the world's most melodious singer) Sarah McLachlan's version is very musical, but too ethereal. i prefer Willie's version for it's grounded simplicity and guitarity. (Yup, just made up a really awesome word.)

It's a great song because it's a little melancholy and wistful in that Robert Browning 'ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?' sense. (you know, that sense? the one everyone's always talking about? no? just me? *sigh*) It's also very optimistic and inspirational, which is why, i think, i gravitate toward to the Willie Nelson recording. His voice is at times raw, at times wavery, at times imperfect, and those factors, combined with the earthy and bare guitar keep the 'follow your dreams' message from taking over and making it a very saccharine, very American-Idol-finale type of musical gag-inducer. i love Willie Nelson's voice, some songs much more so than others, so when i knew i wanted a Willie song on my top 15 i searched for one that i felt accurately demonstrated why his voice is one of my most favorites and this was obviously one.

Another one of my methods for deciding which songs would make the top 15 was the method of 'would i want this song played at my funeral and what would it say about me if it were?' i know, totally dramatic and self-absorbed, right? Whatever. This was one that made it through that filter.

Concluding, in sum, finally and at last: please to enjoy my number-1-most song of everness, 'Rainbow Connection', as performed by Willie Nelson.

sum of all fears

2009-12-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

Our dearest darling dog, Penny, is a mutt of some sorts, but is mostly pit bull.
In case you've been living under a rock for 10 years, pit bulls are unilaterally feared and hated because they breathe fire and murder virgins and traffic humans across borders to harvest their organs and stuff. They're large, sleek and muscular, so they tend to attract owners who prioritize strength and, subsequently, violence in the same way small, curly-haired and simpering dogs attract little old ladies and girls with large purses. The different appearances and temperments of dog breeds are what make them the #1 household pet of humans; this is why it works. Anyway, pits attract jerks and bottom feeders like Michael Vick and that creepy guy who lives around the corner, and these a-holes rear their dogs in irresponsible, dangerous ways and then the rest of the world goes, 'Bad dogs! Inherently evil! Should be banned from breathing oxygen! Gahhhhh!'
There are bright spots: pit bull rescue organizations like Villalobos and celebrity advocates like Rachel Ray (hey! she's good for something!) and just about every time we take Penny out on local walking trails at least one person will fawn over her and share their own pro-pit testimony. i don't doubt that for every 1 local fan there are 5 people who shoot dagger-eyes as soon as we pass and move their children to the other side of the trail when they see us coming, but phooey on them.
i'm aware that there are bad pits out there and people are allowed to form their opinion on their experiences. My friend was a police officer in the Bay Area for 6 years and she witnessed things that will prevent her from ever being completely comfortable around pit bulls. i will probably never own a German Shepherd because of the time our family pet threatened me. Experiences should form our opinions, though, not fear-mongering or gossip.
A lecture is not why i started this post, but apparently i woke up on the defensive side of the bed.
We have a pit-mutt. We adopted her from a local rescue group who had busted her out of the pound before she could be euthanized; she was in the pound because her owner was a shady character and had been taken to court. She is needy and neurotic but also loyal and silly and affectionate and she's learning to catch treats. Here is a list of things our big, scary, baby-killing dog is absolutely terrified by:

-tape measures, both the hardware kind for measuring walls and the sewing kind for measuring sleeves
-ladders
-cell phones
-cameras
-hairspray
-wrapping paper
-showerheads
-small plastic tubes
-Furminators

Not scared of but maybe should be? Fire. Possums. Mormons. Don't look for the rhyme or reason. She's a strange dog, befitting her environment and owners i suppose. She's available for loan if you need some dog therapy or want to do a pit test run before adopting your own.

what do you DO anywhere?

2009-12-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

We went on holiday, as the Britties say. We ditched our biological families and spent Thanksgiving and its companion days cavorting around the great northwest in our little car. First we drove through Oregon in the rainy dark. It was literally dry and nice in California and then the minute we crossed the border it started snowing, because Oregon has a HUGE chip on its shoulder and just has to prove that it's NOT California, thankyouverymuch. So it was rainy and dark for 4 hours and i'm going to say something, but i'm going to preface it with this: Oregon is very pretty. At night? in the rain? MOST BORING DRIVE E V E R. You might argue that any drive in the dark is going to be boring, but i disagree. There's not a whole lot going on in OR along the i-5 corridor. No towns. No lights. No signs to read. BOR. ING. (See the attached image that i took with my fancy camera at the most exciting part of the drive.) So go ahead, Gonies, get your angry comments fingers flexing and bring it on, but the beauty of a blog is that i don't have to account for what i say. (love you)

Anyway, we got to Portland in the dark rain and arrived at Erin's home and proceeded to play with Erin (hi Erin!) for the next few days. With the exception of our drive, the weather was gorgy (which it always is when we're in town (which leads Erin to believe we're witches (which i'm not going to deny because a lady has to maintain her mystique))). We strolled through the park, we shopped, we dined, and we went to Tony Starlight's Supper Club & Lounge and heard Erin's roommate, Tara, and a handful of other talents do Johnny Mercer right. GREAT music, drinks and food with just enough camp to keep the stuffies away. i highly recommend paying Tony and his crooners a visit the next time you're in Portland. After Erin wiped her hands of us we met up with Pete and Bets and enjoyed some boozy milkshakes and Por Que No food. Good times all around.

After we bid adieu to those hipsters, we connected with Katie, Bobby and their unborn burrito, Trixie True Trihub*. It was a short visit, about 16 hours including sleeping, but they're always super fun to see and they have the world's most comfortable couch.

Back on the 5 (which is an interstate) and up into Washington, where there are no billboards. Did you know that? No billboards in the state of Washington. Just trees. Oh, another word about Oregon: several Adult Shops (one with a 24 hour arcade!) along the 5. Kinda pervy, O-gon. Just a little bit. Anyway, Washington. Trees. No rain, but mucho water. i don't think i've ever driven through WA before, i didn't realize how spotty it was. Lots of inlets and bays and ports. i had no clue. (the more you know...dun dun dun duuuuun....cue peacock graphic) We made to tiny Bremerton and to Jason and Winter's lovely old house on the water. What water? i dunno. We're talking about Washington here, could've been any water. Kitties Lola and Buster were like 'Oh my goodness! Kallie is here! We're so excited we're going to pee our kittypants! We love Kallie so much!**' J and Winter took us to see Samudra, the business Winter and Kath opened and for which Josh designed the logo and i served as human resources consultant***. It was super great to finally see the studio and cafe that we've heard so much about for so long. Samudra was beach chic- homey and peaceful and stylish. The foods and drinks were absolutely delish, especially the fun iced tea whose name i've forgotten but starts with an S.

Wednesday night we went to the world's coolest grocery store and shopped and dined in Poulsbo, which is like the Norwegian version of Chinatown (Lefse included. Yay lefse!). i don't remember the name of the restaurant where we et, but if you're looking for a high-style meal and vino at a surprisingly good price, go to Poulsbo and find the restaurant a few doors down from Sluy's (not Slutty's) bakery with the signage in Papyrus font. (Yes, i know. But this is a good reason why we shouldn't judge an establishment based solely on its chosen type treatment) tra la la la....what's next...

Thursday morning, Day of Giving Thanks: up very early (well, early for a vacay day) to go to Samudra and do yoga for the first time ever. We were a bit nervy because we are out of shape, not very bendy, and have never done yoga, but it was a good time! Teacher Kath led a very twisty class- all the twisties squeezed our organs and then unsqueezed them so the blood rushed around and got our digesters ready for the big meal. Then we had Thanksgiving with the Mitchell/Niemeyer/Nicholson clan which included TWO turkeys, a delish ginger/cider/vodka cocktail, and a boatload of madly rad green beans. After the meal was et and the family departed, J and Winter's friend Mike popped in to say hello. Mike has many, many tattoos and is the main dude for a punky little band you may have heard of: MxPx. (Yup. It's like that.) We played Apples to Apples (which is a super game) and had a lovely punk rawk time.

Friday, we and the rest of Kitsap county went to the Christmas tree farm to select J and Winter's tree....which i just realized we forgot to name. (everything needs a name, except cattle, sheep and other creatures you plan on eating. i learned that the hard way, but that is for another blog on another day.) Perhaps the tree should be Trixie True. Write that down, Winter. i discovered that there is a breed of tree called the Shasta Fir (not to be confused with Brendafer) so that was a delightful shoutout to the RDG way up in Washer country. We skillfully attached the tree to the top of the compact car, then proceeded to pile all 5 of us in to the car through the only working door: the driver's. Teehee....lesson learned. Afterward we put up holiday decor at Samudra and ate a bizarre and wonderful dinner of green beans, yam casserole, and fresh Puget Sound crab. i'd never et crab before, and i'm still not sure i like it enough to counteract the squeamy factor of cracking the creature apart. Still, mark that one off my bucket list.

On Saturday i went to the dentist, which is what i do when i'm on holiday. The dentist in question was J, so it was fun, and i got prescription toothpaste. (How many people do you know whose teeth are so bad they need prescription toothpaste? Probably just me. If you know me. If you don't....Hi. Nice to not-exactly meet you.) Later we went to pizza and got drinks at the oh-so-odd Hi-Fidelity Lounge, where Samudra employee Vanessa LePapillon was performing. She was very talented and we enjoyed people-watching a Liev Schrieber lookalike who was trying to stay awake and sober. (Liev: "Cannnn i getnother Comsopotilan?" Bartender: "If you can't pronounce it you can't order it." Haha!)

Sunday we drove back. Boo. Oregon wasn't so bad in the light and we stopped for some Christmas shopping at Bridgeport Village. Whilst in one particular hoitytoit-yet-bohemian-kitsch store whose name certainly does not rhyme with Anthropolgie, a salesperson initiated a conversation with Josh about where we lived. Being relatively familiar with Northern California, she was most curious to know just what sort of profession the two of us professed because, in her words she 'just always wanted to know what people DO in Redding.' (emphasis hers) To reiterate, the 40-something woman selling overpriced mugs in a mall wanted to know what there could possibly be in weirdo, podunk Redding that would allow anyone to eek out a paycheck, so help her God. i was a little steamed. i wanted to punch her in her overpriced face and then run out of the store with one of the $148 cardigans****.

And then we drove home. The end.

*Trixie True is an in-utero baby who is not actually named Trixie True......yet.

**At least, this was how i interpreted the hissing and swiping every time i walked past them or how every time i tried to pet them they ran away and hid.

***This consisted of saying 'yes, i agree that you should fire the cranky barista who reads celebrity gossip on the company computer on company time.' And yes, this image of your banana bowl comes up on page 1 of Google Images for the keyword search 'samudra yoga, bremerton.'

****Clearly, i was conflicted.

song 2

2009-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

Oh song 2, i love you. i love you more than all the other songs except song 1. i've found that i have an affection for a heavy down beat and chipper lyrics, especially in congress. These lyrics are decidedly optimistic:

"Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on, ok....
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on...alright already we'll all float on"

Tell me all about it, Wikipedia!
-The song came out in 2004 on the album "Good News for People Who Love Bad News." Asked about the song in an interview with The A.V. Club, Isaac Brock said that he consciously intended to write something that felt more positive than some of his previous work:

“	It was a completely conscious thing. I was just kind of fed up with how bad st had been going, and how dark everything was, with bad news coming from everywhere....Then you've got the well-intentioned scientists telling us that everything is f**d. I just want to feel good for a day."	”
—Isaac Brock, The A.V. Club

i love that there are two distinct halves to the song: the stiff, staccato, marching verses and the looping, hand-in-the-breeze-out-the-window-of-the-car, 'floating' (if you will) of the chorus. i love the way it's steps away and then jumps back in around the 2:30 mark. It's a great song to drive to because it's easy to play on the steering wheel. There was a really wonderful alternative rock radio station when we lived in Elk Barf and it would play this song semi-regularly.... just rarely enough that it was still special when it came on. Whenever i heard it then, and now (which is never rarely b/c it's always on a cd since there is a nary a station in the greater Shasta County area that would ever deign to play something alternative, cool, or indie) it instantly improves my mood 96%, which means if i'm already in a good mood, i immediately feel 96% gooder. The following is not the official music video, (i'm not allowed to embed that) it's a fan slideshow, but i knew i had to embed the song in order for you to listen to it, which you MUST, even if you already know the song. You need to listen to it now, in the context of MEEEEEEEEE and things i LIIIIIIIKE.

ya know?

2009-10-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

Since i seem to be obsessed with common language barf-ups and idiosyncracies, this video - sent to me by my good pal Jamileh - was right up my alley. And since it was all typographyish and designy, i was able to get Josh to watch it with me.

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Bye Bye Birdie

2009-10-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

A rite of passage 4 years in the making occurred in our little family yesterday. Cosmo, who is a member of the species felis silvestris catus, finally FINALLY F I N A L L Y did a felis silvestris catus-like thing and deposited a small dead creature on our doorstep. (it was a bird) Here's the thing: Cosmo is a mean, ornery, domineering animal. He is short on affection and long on demands. He abandoned such trivial practices as 'play' years ago and his relationship with us now consists mostly of:
-'FEED ME, SIMPLETONS.'
-'FEED ME MORE.'
-'NO. YOU WILL NOT WRAP A PRESENT OR CUT A SEWING PATTERN ON THIS PARTICULAR PART OF THE FLOOR- I DECIDED I WANT TO LAY HERE. WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH.'
-'LET ME IN, KNUCKLEDRAGGERS.'
-'LET ME OUT, DAMN YOU.'
-'LET ME BACK IN AND FEED ME MORE FOOD.'
-'EXCUSE YOUR FACE, I'M TRYING TO GET TO THE WINDOW. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SLEEPING.'
-'MOVE YOUR BOWL DOWN SO I CAN BIFF AT YOUR CHEERIOS WITH MY PAW. NOW.'
-'LET ME OUT. YOU AND THE WHITE CREATURE BORE ME.'
-'TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY FUR, YOU'LL MAKE IT DIRTY.'
-'I HATE YOUR ANKLES, HOLD STILL WHILE I MAKE THEM BLEED AS PUNISHMENT FOR EXISTING.'
-'DON'T BOTHER ME, I'M SHARING A SPECIAL MOMENT WITH THIS BLANKET AND THIS BLANKET LIKES ME JUST THE WAY I AM.'
(imagine all of that said in a voice similar to a Stewie Griffin's, only more bored, and maybe with a touch of Willem Defoe)

In light of this less than loving situation, for him to leave us a present (even one as misunderstood as a dead, possibly diseased thing) is nearly stunning in its implications. HE LOVES US, he just has a hard time saying it for fear of rejection. We were very moved; so much so that we mounted the dead bird to a board and hung it on the mantle with the date and some of Cosmo's paw prints as a signature.

Well, there's always the possibility that he truly hates us and deposited the bird on the doorstep much like the ol' horse head in the mattress message. That's probably more likely. It's surely more of a 'You're next, bitches' message than a 'Thank you for rescuing me from the jaws of euthanization and always giving me food and shelter and medical care and staying up late to make sure i come home in one piece instead of making me spend the night outside with the fugly possums and sketchy alley cats.' Of course, there's no way of proving that he didn't:
-Find a the bird already dead and drag it around out of boredom until he found something more interesting to be creepy with.
-Steal the prized kill from the neighbor's cat (i call him Catsumoto because he looks like a samurai. What? it's funny!) with whom he has a 2.5 year staring contest rivalry, and claim it as his own.
-Systematically lace the earth with arsenic and other chemicals, causing local insects to absorb it and build up a tolerance and thus poison and kill the bird that ate the insects. (Do not put it past him. The minute you declare anything as 'beyond him' is the minute he decides that is how he will destroy you.)
-Kill the bird as a representation of his tough catliness to send a message to all the neighborhood kitties (there are plenty). Our yard may look like a litter box, but it's his litter box and his only. Know about it.

i suppose the case of the toe-up doorstep bird will remain a mystery until our giant angry beast of anger is caught in the act of being something less than diabolical and more like a pet.

return of the texts

2009-10-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

Another round of going through my phone and finding funny texts, usually without contexts and always accurately transcribed.

This female will steal my soul through my pizzle!

me want beer.

As long as you smell like Anthro.

We might have to bake two so we can eat one. Maybe we can turn Pete's twin cake into a hoarcrux.

Is he butch or the kid?

Projectile vomitting: not as funny or as fun as the movies make it out to be.

I'm listening to the funniest slut ever talking out loud on her cell in starbucks!

Wayne just brought us a still twitching gopher.

Supposably she is a college gratuate!

It makes me happy to know that people in the business world read that book. Like somehow it will be ok somehow...

Today is the day you emerged from your mother's va-jay-jay. Way to go!

For your birthday present i was wondering if i might be able to borrow your vacuum?

Georgia Nicholson is the Mighty B in six years.

Babysitting when you're drunk is really hard.

We'll let you know if we find crab people in the caves.

By the way, would u like a small used dog?

Steve just asked "didn't we just sing this last week?"

My riblets hurt.

Look at you go with your golf references!

Not if I poke holes in your condoms!!

That "so you like throwing up" brochure was kinda sad and awesome.

And to the republic of awesomeness on which she stands!

Oh gawd save me from the crazy in laws. My mouth is numb from fake smiling and my throat is sore from yelling into hearing aids.

They put stalls in the restroom so now 3 girls can pee in different toilet!

You'll be happy to know Stella just pooped on your neighbor's fence

There is/are an unnatural number of crows gathering in my apple orchard right now. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm still happy today that Rashida jones reminds you of me. Am i vapid and vain because of that?

But if anyone asks I'm gonna say it's real, obvi.

The Flatulance Gods must be getting back at me with your dog

I've had two martinis and a PBR in two hours. DRUIUUUUUNK!

That was for all the people that want me to get pregnant.

Mental connection make: Shakira sounds like the Target lady from SNL

Less than a minute ago I said, "I love toast."

Watching Toddlers and Tieras. What is WRONG with these people?!

Whatevs. Have fun eating NOTHING!

My life's quality is measured by whether or not i remember deodorant.

And isn't this a little more serious than a TEXT?!

The prophets have spoken!

I meant OMG sarcastically not for reals, just to clarify.

That song that paula abdule sings w/the dancing animated cheetah is on the radio. Seriously?! Talk about a hostile wrk place.

Out on your crazy pants!

we just call it "driving"

When you guys are here we're forcing you to go help us pick out and cut down an Xmas tree! And drink cider and wear scarves! And LIKE IT!!!

How was jury duty? Did you wear your princess leia costume and tell them you were telepathic?

I'm headed into a recording studio to add my voice to some na na nas on the new mxpx Xmas song. Weird.

When you come visit we can have sing alongs!!!

Right. Your little black and white one with bulgy eyes.

We have a customer who introduces herself as "raven rain....also Cathy."

She's super random and kind of dorky like us- so if you can say something about pee or poo she'll bee your bff.

Ya but they're prob fat

That'd be a killer cupcake if it was all one!

Haha! shut up, you're super cute, even if you look kinda bi

How come in the prehistoric days all the animals were giant, but the humans were not?

I'm on a fantastic combo of midol and dayquil right now. Super lucky.

I can totally wait. I just got flipped off by a homeless man.

You and I are finally going to have our FNL marathon. Jervis be praised.

I meant JEEBUS be praised.

But jervais can take some credit too, I guess...

only suitable for adults

2009-10-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

My dear comrade, and first of thousands of roommates, Ashley (of the Northern California Ashleys) is also a blogger. And whence directed to her blog by its author (meaning her), i was greatly amused to find, before i could observe the blog, a warning from the good people at Google and Blogger. "The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults," it declared. "In general, Google does not review nor do we endorse the content of this or any blog." i laughed. Of course Ashley's blog would come with a warning! i half-expected to also hear a husky-voiced man tell me intensely, "The blog you are about to view is rated BL MALVSC. It is intended for mature audiences only." (is it sad that i have that tv rating boiler plate language memorized? yes, a little. But i do watch a great deal of Rescue Me.) Having accepted the warning and perused the blog, i can't really figure out why it's only suitable for adults. i see very little of Ashley's usual colorful jargon, no mention of that one very adult word she taught me in 11th grade, and no dirty pictures. A simple 'holy $#i!' seems to be the extent of the adultry (a word i just made up, not to be confused with adultery), and i learned that word in 2nd grade (i ran out with a rough crowd).

Anyway, Ashley runs. i only run when i'm being chased, and even then i'm more inclined to either-

A. Curl up in a ball and hope to be killed/devoured quickly and mercifully, or

B. Do what no fictional chasee ever thinks to do, which is run like hell for a short distance, then hide like hell and wait for the chasers to run by before you double back and stroll, whistling, to safety. Seriously. i spend most of the Bourne movies (which i do love, btw. Call me, Damon.) thinking, 'if he just tucked himself away in a good spot he could easily evade the baddies.' Then i think, 'i would be happy to tuck away with him' but then we're veering all to closely into the aforementioned adultery.

Like music/food/literature/jesus, everyone has different tastes in exercise. i prefer to go to a gym and take a kickboxing class with 20 strangers and a psychotically peppy instructer. Ashley prefers to run long distances in public. That's her prerogative, which i happen to think is bananas. Sometimes she even PAYS for the privilege to get up at ungodly hours and run long distances in strange cities. She is perfectly welcome to do that, i happen to think she's Mentally Askew. In case i haven't made myself clear, i honor Ashley's choices, ridiculous and bass-akwards as they are. (here's where i admit that my 2nd favorite part of that cinematic gem, Talladega Nights, is Ricky Bobby saying 'with all due respect' and then saying something completely, baldly, disrespectful.)

Clearly, i am incapable of making a blog post about Ashley into anything other than a post about myself.

Ashley also teaches high school English. You can decide which is a more alarming and punishing habit to willingly undertake. She runs because she teaches, kind of like 'daddy drinks because you cry.' (i don't know where i saw/heard that but i can't even think of it without laughing out loud.) You could say, she blogs because she runs because she teaches. To be obnoxious to anyone masochistic enough to still be reading this post, i read because she blogs because she runs because she teaches. In the house that Jack built to catch the spider to catch the fly, alpha and omega, amen.

Her blog is about running and teaching and the highs and lows of both. Also, she's one of the most disciplined people i know, and has been since even before she taught me that one particular very bad word in 11th grade. She's also kind of a riot, so even if you are smart or chicken enough to not have gone into teaching, or if you're self-respecting enough to not do absurd things like Run Voluntarily, i do believe you'll enjoy yourself whilst reading her blog. Here it is. It's also in the list of 'Comrades' to the right. No, your other right.

an apology

2009-10-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

In light of the ten year reunion, i made a preunion party playlist my pals and i could enjoy. i made the list out of the Billboard charts from the year of our graduation, 1999 and a little from 1998.

i spent the next week humiliated and apologetic.

i had forgotten or had never realized how excrutiatingly awful that time was in the world of music. This is me saying "I'M REALLY SORRY, WORLD, FOR THE MUSIC MY GENERATION INFLICTED UPON YOU." We punished you with the following diseases of sound:

Ricky Martin's 'Livin' La Vida Loca'
Sugar Ray's 'Every Morning'
Cher's 'Believe'
Smash Mouth's 'All Star'
Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On'
LFO's 'Summer Girls'
Will Smith's 'Miami'
and of course...'Hit Me Baby One More Time' by Britney Spears.

Here's the thing about 1999: it was pre-myspace, pre-iTunes and, in a way, pre-internet. Very few of my friends even had email addresses, much less the savvy or resources to find any sort of music that wasn't in heavy rotation on the radio or on MTV...which was beginning its downward slide into 'TV not having anything to do with M'. And i don't think i need to explain how asinine the radio stations around here were. And are. "Indie band" wasn't in our vocabulary, and since we lived in Redding and not a bigger or more cultural town like LA, Sacramento or even Chico, there were no shows to attend. So, there were a few GOOD albums released in the waning years of the 90s, albums like Beck's 'Midnite Vultures', Jeff Buckley's 'Grace', and Sigur Ros's 'Ágætis byrjun', but we didn't hear them.
At the mainstream level, the late 90s were about the end of grunge and rock and the beginning of bubblegum pop, the boy band, and of course, the country cross-over (thanks a million, Shaniah Twain, still haven't forgiven you). There were a few gems that made their way to the masses, Lauryn's Hill's 'Miseducation' album had several great singles, the Chili Peppers put out 'Californication' and Tom Petty made 'Wildflowers', but overall it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time. We're sorry. If i give you Dave Grohl will you forgive? Here's one of the un-bad things to come out of 1999, the Foo Fighters with 'Learn to Fly', with a little Tenacious D thrown in for giggles.

Foo Fighters - Learn To Fly

Marco|MySpace Videos

screw 'em

2009-10-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

i was born in 1981, so i was not alive for the 1980 Miracle on Ice at the Lake Placid Olympics. i saw the movie whilst on my honeymoon in Lake Tahoe and loved it; i'm a huge sucker for a sports movie, i think most people are. Kurt Russel's performance was fantastic. Here he is, as coach Herb Brooks, giving the speech before the game that made history:

Goosebumps! love the accent and clipped speech pattern and i watch it thinking, 'oooh i hope they wind their hockey game!' that's how easy it is for me to get caught up.

Anyway, this funny little kid grew up hearing about the Miracle on Ice from his dad and memorized the speech from the movie. It cracks me up! like, screw sponge bob! i wanna wear a tie a look like a hockey coach from 1980! He's only 4 in the video, so i'm pretty sure he's not even reading the paper in his hand. Check it out:

Good stuff! Here's the Yahoo story if you want more.

wobbly bits

2009-10-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

This is my friend and once-upon-a-coliseum-roommate Erin, who looks very cute in this picture alongside a greenly-adorned scary lady who is about to try to eat your pet bird. (Man, am i glad that's not me! Can you imagine?? Gah!) Erin has brought herself into the blogosphere and the world of jewelry making. These forces combine like all good combining forces: into candy. Orrr a great blog. Roll the quotes:

These are the nonoffensive phrases my friends and family use to describe their wonder and amazement each time I lose my keys, forget some important event, or misplace a giant kitchen appliance (fine, it was a refrigerator, but I've only lost two in my lifetime).

Now I have to work my oxidizing nerve up all over again, and also buy more eggs.

Notice - I am NOT creating this blog for expert jewelry makers, or Pretty Good jewelry makers or EVEN Not Very Good but Still Managing to Sell that Junk jewelry makers.

These dangly bits are considered by me to be lovely adornments and should not be confused with 'wobbly bits', which generally refer to cellulite-prone body parts that are to be hidden under a sheet while getting dressed next to your sleeping lover.
For more on Erin and her lovely creations which will soon be in an Etsy store near you, visit http://makingprettythings.blogspot.com/

odds and ends

2009-10-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

or, if we're speaking in Jeopardy categories, which we should be. always., "Potpourri."

We were awokended in the wee hours of the night/morning/i don't know because i can't read the clock without my contacts in by the ferocious growling of our dog all the way on the other end of the house. Now, Penny is a snorer and sometimes an active dreamer, but intense growling is not part of her nighttime routine. The doorbell, as it does for most dogs, exhibits a very dramatic reaction, as does the opening of the side-yard gate, arborists, little old ladies passing out Mormon magazines, and the occasional child walking home from school. Needless to say, she is territorial. So when growling to raise Beelzebub's goosebumps commences in the middle of the night, we naturally assume we're about to get: robbed, tied up, fed our own fingers and toes, and then hacked into pieces by a very bad baddie, in that order. Being the brave, modern woman i am, i sent my husband out in his underpants to investigate. It was worse than a bloodthirsty killer and all the more worthy of such a chilling growl of defense: it was a possum, smaller than our cat, moseying through the leaves. DANGER! We've done the possum dance before (it's nothing like the foxtrot) and haven't had an issue since. This was probably a rogue wanderer but he/she continued in the tradition of his/her forepossums by making sure we got no sleep. Once you're awoken (or awakened or wokeded up) with your life flashing before your eyes, it's hard to drift back to dreamland.

Second. i had jury duty today; i arrived at 8 and left at 4 and was not chosen to serve. i was the 5th person called to the box in the morning and was fully prepared to serve. In the end, the defense excused me and i'm pretty sure i know why. The potential jury was presented with a hypothetical situation by the defense. Say a police officer testified, 'it was night time,' and a civilian testified, 'it was day time,' and there was no physical evidence to corroborate either claim. Would you have a bias toward or against one of the testimonies? i raised my hand, in the complete assumption that there would be others in agreement. Mine was the lone hand. (cue tumbleweed) i was asked to explain, and i said that i would be more inclined to believe a police officer's testimony in the case of a 'he said/she said' situation. "Without knowing the background of either person?" the defense attorney asked, "simply because the police officer is a police officer?" Yes. A police officer's testimony is more credible to me, i said, because i trust the institution that installed that individual as a police officer. If the civilian's background included a similar level of credibility, then i would have to decide between the two testimonies or discard them both. But without backgrounds? Yeah, i'm going to go with the officer of the law. Do i think there are shady police out there? Yup. i also think there are moral mobsters. But i'm going to err on the side of the person sworn to uphold the law and trained to observe and assess situational details. The defense attorney posited my perspective to a few other jurors and their responses were along the lines of, 'Noooo! i wouldn't be biased, i would be fair and uphold the judicial laws of America, KALLIE.' It was really annoying and kind of surreal. i honestly didn't expect the rest of the jury to completely throw me under the bus. Here's the thing: from the time we're old enough to understand 'blue uniform' and 'badge', we're taught to unilaterally trust police officers, are we not? You get lost from mommy and daddy in the park? Find Officer Friendly and it will be okay! (And his cousin Firefighter Friendly is busy getting your kittycat out of the tree!) But now that you're an adult and paying taxes and dealing with things like the safety of your neighborhood, we want you to treat police officers like every John or Jane you ignored or were scared of in the park that day 30 years ago. Huh?? Whatever, Mr. Defense Attorney. You were shifty and in gross need of a haircut. And whatever, Other Potential CoJurors. You were all lying because you wanted to be picked for the Varsity Jury Team.

Third, Matt Damon is a brilliant actor. He really is. i can't wait to watch Good Will Hunting on the Turner Classic Movies channel with my grandchildren. Except by then tvs will be embedded in our fingers and our phones will be biologically programmed in our thumbs.

Fourth, we're going to see how long we can go before we turn on the heater this year. Place your bets.

Fifth, my favorite, favorite, favorite boots are on their farewell tour, since i've more than worn out the $13 i paid for them. They can't be worn in inclement weather, given the deteriorating soles. Get your tickets to the swan song.

rite of awkward

2009-10-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Ten Year High School Reunion,

You were weird.

You declared ten years had passed and we, the graduating class of FHS in the year of our lord 1999, should therefore reunite, we who had little in common beyond sharing formative years in the institution determined by the state of California as the adequate option pertaining to the address our parents chose for their homesteads.

When we last saw each other, we formed our bonds mostly immaturely: economic status, height-weight ratio, and clarity of complexion were all criteria alongside more trivial matters like disposition, interests and hobbies. So upon leaving high school and, for most, the homes and identities of our families, we forged our own identities and learned to make friends with like-minded people. Then for one night (or 3 days) you put us back in a room together and we all interacted on this foundation: once upon a time we were friends because we kinda dressed the same. Now, we may or may not have anything in common. That's awkward. It's fun too, but awkward. You're a strange system.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me that The High School Boyfriend is totally overrated, that High School Popularity leads to cigarette smoking and conspicuous thinness, that my peeps were and are the best peeps, and that i really, really suck at small talk.

Sincerely,

Kallie

song #3

2009-10-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

Oh baby, top 3. Here we go.

The number 3 song in my top 15 songymost songs is "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. i heard this song on the radio when i was living in San D and Whitney was savvy enough to know i needed the whole album. i love the guitar/drum intro of it and the beat in general is sublime. The lyrics, though minimal, are a little confusing if you don't the story behind the song. Karen O, the lead singer, wrote the song about/for her then-boyfriend Angus as he was leaving to go on tour with his band. According to internet lore, 'MAPS' is an acronym for 'My Angus Please Stay.' i like listening to it because it's so musical, but i LOVE the lyrics of the chorus: "Wait! they don't love you like i love you." It's so devoted and so desperate. The thing about being married to the spouse i have is that everyone adores him to the utmost, but i feel the same way about Josh as Karen felt about Angus. No matter how he's worshipped, none of 'them', the faceless fans, loves him like i love him. Here is the official music video, watch it! it's the 3rd best song ever. i promise.

Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Sesame Street goes Mad

2009-09-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

"Good work, sycophants" has to be one of the best lines ever uttered by puppets.

questionable fences

2009-09-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

We got a note from our neighbors in our mailbox today, asking us to please clean up our front yard asap as it is an eyesore. i'm pretty upset about it, mostly because i'm already embarrassed by the state of our yard on a daily basis and to have a stranger point it out only drives the point further. i'm also upset because there's very little we can do about how ugly it is. There's no sprinkler system to water what little grass there may or may not be from month to month, and we can't afford to put one in anyway. We're trying to make house payments and car payments and pay for the air conditioner that died, and in between those bills we eek out what few projects we can handle on the inside of the house. The front yard was in shambles when we purchased our home and will require a major overhaul to beautify it, as in, completely excavating it and rearranging everything. Until then, we have no desire or ability to dump a hundred dollars here and there into making it semi-presentable. If you know what our parents' yards look like you know what kind of standards we come from. Suffice it to say, we hate our yard too and no neighbor can possibly be more embarrassed by it than we are. We know ours is the ugliest house on the block and knowing that sucks. But we don't have a functional bath tub. And there's mold growing where the dog likes to lay all day. And there are portions of dirt floor. And there are areas where there's no real ceiling. And when it rains we have to come home from work to divert the deluge from flooding our living room. Not to mention less drastic but nonethless bothersome items, like the fact that if you're not careful, you'll hit your head on the sink when you're on the toilet, or the presence of cheap wood paneling where there should be insulation and dry wall, or the shower door with the fugly crane embossed on it. When they bought their home (the same time we bought ours) there was already grass and landscaping. When we bought ours, it was a wreck. The only thing growing at 1142 Walnut was the pot the previous owners were growing in the garage. That should give you an idea of the kind of upkeep that wasn't happening before we took possession. We do take pride in our home, but when our hands are tied, where is that pride supposed to go? It sucks.

Farewell, Vida Boheme

2009-09-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

Patrick Swayze passed away, and i'm sad because there are only about 5 movies which i MUST watch every time they're playing on basic cable, and 'To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar' is at the top of that list. It's a silly, formulaic movie about three drag queens stranded in a tiny, small-minded town, but i love it, mostly because of the leading man. Patrick Swayze played Miss Vida Boheme, the 'drag-queen-with-the-heart-of-gold' who was best friends with Wesley Snipes' character, Noxeema Jackson, and maternal mentor to John Leguizamo's Chi Chi. i'm not an expert on drag queens, but i know enough to think he nailed the performance, which also nabbed him a Golden Globe nomination. As legend has it, he showed up for his audition in full drag and improvised a 30 minute monologue inspired by the bullying he endured as a kid taking ballet classes from his mom in Texas, and when Steven Spielberg watched the audition tape, he didn't even recognize Patrick. He'll mostly be remembered for his dancing, and i think it's a shame that he passed at a time when dancing is come back en vogue in mainstream pop culture, what with competitive dancing shows and musicals on tv and movies. i hope in his last years he was pleased with its resurgence. Anyway, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and i'll watch 'Too Wong Foo' a little wistfully from now on.

There's something in the water...

2009-09-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

...and it was put there by my mother.

i don't have a huge circle of friends/acquaintances. It's about half a dozen college pals and half a dozen family members and local pals. Out of that dozen, at this moment in history, THERE ARE 5 BABIES IN 4 WOMBS. By next summer, the population of my social circle will have increased by almost 50% and NOT by me going out and making new friends (which i suck at anyway). If you ever had an interest in learning to sew miniature clothing items, come over pick up a needle because i can't keep up with the demand.

masochism via Sydney Pollack

2009-09-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

i need to remember that i have seen 'The Way We Were' enough and i don't need to watch it every time it's on TCM because it's two hours of 'ohhhhh, Robert Redford is heaven' and 'man am i glad i have straight hair' and 'i love Robert Redford' and 'i don't get the political references, but Robert Redford can politically reference me any time he wants' and 'why does Barbara Streisand wear her eyeliner like that?' and 'i don't think Brad Pitt would be anywhere near as famous if he didn't resemble Robert Redford so much' and 'yeah, marraige is complicated' and 'croquet sucks' and 'it's hard to drool over Robert Redford when your husband is watching' and so on and so forth until the end where Katie's all "Stay until the baby is born" and Hubble's all "You never quit" and the brushing of the hair off his forehead and that damn song in the background and it's JUST SO SAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

song 4

2009-08-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

Now is the time for song 4 of my Top 15. This is 'Clark Gable' by The Postal Service, who share their lead singer, Ben Gibbard, with Death Cab for Cutie. i figured a Ben Gibbard song would fit in well on my Top 15 and i discarded several slower, more sentimental ones in favor of this gem. i like it because it's fun, romantic, pensive, frustrated and enthusiastic. And i'm a sucker for 'story songs'. And i like old movies. And back in the day my friends and i would make movies. So, it was kind of a no-brainer. The double clap makes it a fun car song and i love how there's a marker snap sound after he sings 'the marker snapped'. (i know, that sounds incredibly trite and unimaginative, but it still makes me smile.) Here is a fan video, enjoy!

honorific lane change

2009-08-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

i've been debating about this post for a week or so, but someone said 'do it' and that's pretty much all it takes for me to be convinced of something. i'm going to address that oddball little American habit of putting custom vinyl decals on automobiles to memorialize individuals who have died. There are a few out there for Michael Jackson and more than a few for Dale Earnheardt, but i'm referring to the ones for non-famous, regular folk.

i hesitated to blog this because it will follow my rant about the One-A-Day ad and, further down the blogroll, my rant about the failure of people to speak proper English and i'm sure a hundred different rants in the archives. i do not want to be a Ranter. Such prestigious titles are already filled by talking heads and 'personalities' loyal to the Republican Party and i've learned that although squeaky wheels get grease, ranting wheels only get more angry. i do not want to be a Ranter, but i think my common theme is not that people are being stupid, but rather that they are either not following the line of logic or they're not taking the time to pay close attention to what they're saying/doing. It is in this spirit that i rant. Not to chastise, but to encourage everyone to pay attention and to follow the logic down the rabbit hole we call Life.

The more i think about it, this is a piggyback to all my usual language gripes. As a reader/editor/writer/goober, i have the misfortune of choosing the words i use and hearing exactly what words are said to me. Even when i'm casually talking with friends and family i can safely say that i mean probably 90% of the words i use. That may sound like a strange statement in that 'of course i meant it, i said it didn't i?' but i mean them exactly, in their definition, connotation, etc. This becomes a burden when i'm having an argument with someone because i'm not a yeller, i'm one of those that goes stealthy and then produces a precisely worded statement of feeling. The cheif problem is that while i mean exactly what i say, the person with whom i'm arguing may have a more emotional, less precise method or may have a more casual understanding of the language than i do. Yet i assume they mean exactly what they say. Troubles, i tell you. It makes for troubles. (My advice to the singles out there: marry someone who has the same arguing techniques as you.)

The decals. You've seen them. They usually say something like, 'In Loving Memory of John Smith, 1967-2009'. What then, is IN memory? The Ford Fusion? the Ford Fusion's rear window? The act of driving the Ford Fusion? 'Memorial' has two parts of speech, noun and adjective. As a noun it means 'something designed to preserve the memory of a person' and as an adjective it means 'preserving the memory of a person or thing; commemorative.' The Ford Fusion was not designed to preserve the memory of a person, it was designed to transport humans and their belongings along paved surfaces. A monument is designed to preserve the memory of a person, as is a tree planted in the person's honor. Putting a vinyl sticker on a car makes it no more a memorial than putting said sticker on your toaster.

So the stickers on the cars are thus adjectives of memorial; commemorating. Well, that's a loving gesture, but does it work??? Does a sticker on a car do anything to honor a lost loved one and what they did with their time on earth? or is it more about the car's owner than their loved one? Is it to say 'look at me! i'm grieving!'? i kind of feel like it's more about making other drivers feel sorry or sympathetic, and making the car's owner a worthy recipient of everyone's condolences. Before rotten tomatoes are thrown at the computer, let me say that i do not think people applying the decals are secretly cackling, rubbing their hands together and thinking, 'Now they will all love me for being the grieving parent/widow/sibling!' But i think love and grief are very complicated and the urge and pressure to grieve 'properly' (whatever that even means) makes people do seemingly strange things without following the logic along its course.

i think the loved one smiling down from heaven, or from their perch on a branch after they've been reincarnated as a squirrel, would rather the $20 be given to a charity than stuck on the window of an SUV. If it's about having the reminder of a loved one 24/7 then engrave a bracelet or tattoo your eyelids. Don't make it public. Don't make it about what you can afford to drive or how you drive it. That doesn't say anything about the injustice of your loss or the goodness of the one you lost. i may be insensitive, but that's not my intention; i'm just questioning whether the efforts are accomplishing their noble goal. i've never truly lost anyone so i can't fathom how logic even fits in to grief, but i'm guessing that wherever it does is for the better for everyone involved.

what year is it again??

2009-08-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

i'm in the middle of cramming episodes of season 2 of one of my favorite shows, Mad Men, before season 3 commences on August 16th. For the unexposed, Mad Men is set in 1960s New York and follows a Manhattan advertising firm and the men and women involved therein. Gender politics is a chief plot point- husbands and wives, execs and secretaries, the glass ceiling, etc. Oh, and it's GENIUS writing and acting. And it's on AMC, not HBO, so if you have cable you can set your DVR.

So it was in this context that i viewed a commercial for One-A-Day vitamins. In particular, it was pushing the One-A-Day vitamins for teens. (they have different vitamins specially formulated for the needs of women (bone strength/breast health), the needs of men (heart health, blood pressure), expectant mothers, etc) The teen vitamins are different for boys and girls. For boys, it promotes muscle function. For girls? Healthy skin.

i immediately felt like the One-A-Day ad was written by the knuckle dragging ad men of 1960.

Why are adolescent boys assumed to need muscle strength for strenuous activity and adolescent girls are assumed to need healthy skin to look pretty? i seem to remember my female friends being warriors when we were teenagers- playing as many school sports as they could and snowboarding and wakeboarding on the weekends. i also remember a fair amount of my male friends having some pretty gnarly acne, and even a few that could've cared less if they had a varsity letter on their class ring.

What the hell, One-A-Day? Have females not progressed any further in the last 49 years than to care only about looking cute while the males do all the working and playing? And, for their part, are males not allowed to care about what they look like? Aren't they allowed to progress beyond being the jock?

To quote a badass lady: "Blerg." One-A-Day can count me out of its customer base until it can catch up to the current calendar year.

song 5

2009-08-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, poodles, we're in the top 5! (i can feel your excitement.) Here's a recap of songs 6-15:

6. Heart of the Matter, India.Arie
7. Mo Ve' la Bella Mia da la Muntagna, Matteo Salvatore
8. Walk Away, Ben Harper
9. Square One, Tom Petty
10. This Year's Love, David Grey
11. Georgia On My Mind, Ray Charles
12. Use Somebody, Kings of Leon
13. Cello Suite No. 1, Yo Yo Ma
14. Motorcycle Drive By, Third Eye Blind
15. Feelin Good, Nina Simone

We're going to Georgia again, but not in our minds this time. No, we're taking the midnight train AND we're bringing the Pips! This Gladys Knight gem wasn't in the original Top 15 i made in January, but the more i listened to it, the more i realized i really truly loved it. The song strikes a balance between heartbreak and sweet devotion: the heartbreak of the man whose dreams refused to come true and the alienation of being a simple southern boy living in the nightmare that is Los Angeles, and on the other side the commitment of the woman who loves him so much she'll follow him to Georgia because she'd "rather live in his world than live without him in [hers]." It's also two songs in one: You have Gladys singing the main lyrics, and the Pips singing a very advanced version of back-up lyrics. You can pick which song you want to sing and it makes for a really fun one to sing with someone else. And how many songs include a harmonized train whistle "whoo whoo!"?? NOT ENOUGH, if you ask me. Here's a good version, but doesn't feature the Pips' sweet background dance moves, so if you need those you can find the other YouTube versions. Enjoy song 5, "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips.

musings on expectation

2009-07-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

When you're 18 years old the law says, 'We trust you to handle cigarettes responsibly but not alcohol.' The United States says, 'Here, help us choose our government's leaders, but you cannot rent a car, even though we gave you a driver's license 2 years ago.' Society says, 'Okay now, you've lived roughly 1/4th of your life, now you must decide what you're going to do with the remaining 3/4ths,' and it sends you to college and tells you to pick the right course of study because that will determine your career and how you'll fit in with everyone else for the next half century.

Tell me, those of you who have children: is the 7 or 10 or 12 year old anything like the 1 year old? The personality might be the same, but i imagine there are distinct differences. How is an 18 or 20 year old to know any more about his 60 year old self that your toddler will now about his middle school self? And yet....and yet.

Strangers and acquaintances remark about my bachelor's degrees being in Literature and Theology and how they surely are not serving me now. To some extent, my education is thus perceived as 'wasted' or, more kindly, 'misdirected.' For most of the last 5 post-undergraduate years i have bought into this method of thinking, but not so much any more.

When i was 18 my passion was for writing and literature and i had at my disposal professionals highly trained in developing my skills for appreciating such things. That i made the decision to accept this training and not training in something more 'marketable' but surely less palatable like Journalism or Organizational Administration somehow makes me a 'directionless dreamer'. (i admire those who have passion about administrating and organizing, mostly because i'm incapable of either.) By studying that which i was passionate about, i ensured i would retain such passion for many years to come, if not the rest of my life, and that passion would bring me happiness. (Simplistic? Sure.) When i was 20 i developed a thirst for answers about God and added another course of study that would provide insight and direction for my journey. That i didn't become a pastor, theologian or even learn one of the biblical languages doesn't mean it was a waste of my time, money and energies and the time and energies of my teachers. It means i learned all i could while the learning was there for the taking. Why is such an attitude not celebrated? Simply because you can't draw a straight line from my diploma to my pay stub? (Defensive? Indeed.)

Many are certain at 18 about what they want to do at 50. They choose study and training for that purpose, whether it be their chief passion or not, and if not, they make time for their passions. i envy them on a very, VERY regular basis.

Yes, i'm frustrated that i'm perceived as 'lost' or 'unmotivated' or 'lacking identity.' Though, a great deal of the time i genuinely feel i am all of those things. But i don't regret my degrees. My education has served me well in ways that can't be measured on business cards or tax returns. That i'm not set and pointed for the next 2/3rds of my life are at times terrifying and liberating. i have friends who made all the 'right' educational moves and accompanying career moves and now loathe it all. (others still love it all) i'm fairly certain that had i made more 'practical' choices in college i would be one of those punch-drunk young professionals who hate their jobs AND the educations that put them there. i at least only hate my job, and since it's only a job and not a career representing the last ten years/one-third of my life, i don't have to hate myself or my life either. When i had an impressive job with office and title, i realized i valued it more for how it sounded than for what it was or what it provided to my mind. (and it didn't have that much to do with my b.a. degrees anyway)

All this to say, yes, i am metaphorically wandering around right now. i don't love wandering, but it sure beats standing on one of those moving walkways. Hopefully soon i will have a more precise direction in which to wander. When all is said and done i will at least have left an interesting trail.

texties, part zillion

2009-07-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

(these are texts in my phone's inbox, transcribed exactly (except the swears, because i have to have principles or something))

nuthing but bud for me! there's a reason it's called the king of beers!

Ah yes, the bremerton to redding light rail. First thing on obama's agenda.

peanut butter on the other end of the cuetip

Barf. I only eat healthy fast food.

I smell like a high schooler - cologne, gum and hormones.

Is it at mother 10?

Mr halfblood prince, I AM happy to see you. And, yes, that IS a wand in my pocket.

F*&% yeah, gonna save the mothaeffin day yeah

The colored ones make me think of skittles. Mmm skittles

Comin to save the mutha f*&%in day yeah!

Kevin has nipples??!!

Wine and tv?

Samudra has captured the gay demographic of Bremerton! There's no way we can fail now!

What time is the potty?

Oh i get it! Yum was waiting for us at home!

he needs more wallabies though!

You mean babysitting? That's what the bar is for.

we were talking seattle restaurants w/the cashier @ TJ's & this old lady behind us goes " we have a great resaurant here called applebees. but go before 11!"

a BABY BEAR sucking on jimmy fallons arm! my day is complete.

The JW's just pulled up in front of my house knocked on my door, which i didn't open, and then drove off. They are sniping MY house!

She's naming the baby Sara Conchita!! LOL!

Raise your hand if your new ob/gyn looks and sounds like philip seymore hofman!

I want spock. ;)

Welcome to 530. Does this mean you've officially given up on the elk grove dream?

Hi there. This is a test to see he my phone is legit or has quit.

Just eating them will be ready.

1 thing you don't want to see while enjoying a burrito outside your fav mexican place: a guy walk by w/an ankle monitor on. Oh Oroville, you never stop do you?

Throw some water on that guy and see if he squeaks like a dolphin?

Every time i time i think about cosmo being 'totally happy but f*&%ing angry' i laugh out loud!

Why is michael bay still allowed to make movies????

Crying maybe. Not really sure.

happy mothers day o fellow childless one! let us celebrate our hot bodies, full 8 hr nights of sleep and ability to enjoy alcohol. :)

not even joking, i have a blister from using the dyson

Do monks eat only rice and beans?

So many inappropriate responses come to mind. I'll save us the awkwardness and just send this as is.

"hot meat". i'm snickering to myself.

Are you choppin balls at the winery today?

is there such thing as blonde emo kids?

Yeah! Bitch pleez!

Bah Amy Lidell emailer me asking if I wan to help with the reunion. Grumble.

How ironic that the girl that doesn't 'beer' is writing this but here goes: bees night tonight.

Stimple's donkey - Willie Brown?

Get off my business.

i just saw a robin running really fast on the side of the road. like, REALLY fast. he must have forgotten that HE HAS WINGS.

why is it so effing impossible to find a decent purse???

oprah is without a doubt the Official Queen of the Backdoor Brag.

Are you ready to see desmond beat the sh!t out of ben? Cuz it's AWESOME.

just give in to the albanator. you know you want to.

Quailhawk.

I'm at the office eating soup! I love eating!

she loves pie. she mentions it four times.

oh it was. youre freaking hilarious markle. i'm lizzing as we speak. HILARIOUS.

i think i may be a lezzie for michelle obama.

jason cut his hair pretty short yesterday, and his 9 year old patient just asked him "what happened to your head?" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Let your Kallie be your guide.

I had a dream that you ate my whole package of milano cookies. And you weren't even sorry! You just said, "what? I needed i snack."

your killing my flow! full scale!

Pilsbury just reminded me that i want warm fresh backed crossants. DAMM THEM.

Did you hear that? I think it was my poor wittle heart bwaking :(

language gripes

2009-07-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

i just saw an ad for a movie called Defiance, boasting that it is 'based on the untold true story.' Call me crazy, but if the story is untold then how do you know to make a movie about it? And wouldn't the movie then TELL the story?

There's an ad for NutriSystem running these days where a customer happily exclaims that "each meal is better than the next!!" i'm pretty sure that would mean each successive meal would get worse and worse until they were flash frozen dishes of poo.

Who is greenlighting these million dollar ad campaigns??

written between craft time and bum-licking

2009-07-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Lyn and Jesse,
Hi! How are you? i am great. i hope you are having fun in Canada and in California's northern neighborstates.

Summer camp at Camp Luvamarkle is really fun. My friend Penny goes to the same camp! We play Noisy Wrestlemania whenever we are not taking naps or discussing the G8 conference. There are many places to nap: the rug, the carpet, the bricks, the dirt, my bed, Penny's bed, the couch, the other couch and the window seat. Mostly i nap in the giant window seat because it inflates my sense of self-importance and passersby are led to believe i am the establishment's owner.

There is another animal attending Camp Luvamarkle. i'm told it is a "cat" but the camp directors call it "Suchajerk" or "Seriouslycosmo????" It looks very strange and makes terrifying noises and whenever i hear it or see it my mind goes blank and my feet start moving. i suspect "cat" is another word for "siren demon". Penny helps me chase Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo and it all gets very exciting until the camp directors get out of bed and snap at us and say "Good lord does it EVER get old????". i'm hoping to catch him by the end of the week and when i do i will teach him how to dance around on his back like i like to do. Camp Director Kallie will not let Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo leave camp during the day this week because she says he probably won't ever come back. Camp Director Josh asked why that would be a problem and Camp Director Kallie threw a flip flop at him.

Today we went on a daytrip to Baker Park. i found several stinky grass-patches to roll around in and Penny chased lizards in the mud. Camp Director Kallie pushed Penny in the pool to clean the mud off and Counselor Ashley helped Penny swim to the side and climb out. i was very excited the whole time and i helped Penny dry off by stealing the dino chewy and running away as fast as i could. Park Ranger Sherrie wanted to know why Camp Director Kallie had to push Penny in the pool and get the pool all muddy and couldn't she just hose Penny off?? Camp Director Kallie said it honored the scientists who invented chlorine and pool sweepers to create muddy pool water AND it sharpened Penny's raw survival skills. Park Ranger Sherrie was otherwise very nice and said i was "a good little dog." i ate alot of grass and Camp Director Kallie thanked me for it when i lit up her car with grass farts the whole way back to camp. i tried to say "You're welcome" but it turns out i was not supposed to climb on the steering wheel.

Every day after Nap 23, Penny and i catch up on the Sotamayor confirmation hearings, then we take laps around the pavilion. Then we nap again. Some religious zealots came to the camp door and invited us to a special conference in San Francisco. We barked at them, saying "Your commitment is admirable but we are otherwise religiously inclined canines!! Thank you anyway!! Please take us dogs off your contact list because we are unlikely to convert to your spiritual path and it would be futile to use your time and energy to further evangelize us!! Have a nice day!!!" i think they appreciated our polite forthrightness.

Well, The Colbert Report is almost over so Camp Director Kallie will want the Macbook back. It's time to go dance on my back for a while and then take nap 56 before Penny and i have our evening tie-breaker Noisy Wrestlemania match.

Thanks for sending me to camp- as you can see i'm having a really good time. i miss you though! Come home soon!

Love,
Stella Bea

song 6

2009-07-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

Before it was the background to primetime TV montages of people looking angsty in elevators, before it was in the 'Sex and the City' movie trailer, before a n y o n e e l s e, i loved this song. i discovered it on a blog post somewhere on the internets, probably 3 years ago? i'm not sure. i was totally smitten because, A. i grew up listening to the Eagles and ganked my dad's Hell Freezes Over album and knew every word by heart while the rest of the kids my age were like 'yeaaaah! Weezer and stuff!!!' and B. i'm kind of a sucker for a good cover. As covers go, this one takes the cake. Oh, and C. this lady is great.

It is India Arie covering Don Henley's classic heartache-redemption muser, 'Heart of the Matter'. She gives it a soul beat and a little more musicality because let's face it, her voice is better. (Don't hate, even The Don told India he likes her version better.) She keeps what works, the background vocals, harmonies, etc, but makes it distinctly her own. These are the criteria for a good cover, students. Learn.

Anyway, i love this song. It's wise, sad, universal, and great to sing along with, whether you prefer the Eagles or India. i'm a little bummed that there's now a whole generation of people who think India Arie wrote this song, but we can only hope to educate. i couldn't find a proper video for it (since the music video is going the way of the do-do it's getting quite difficult) but you can listen to the track HERE or just trust me and go buy it on iTunes.

we had a baby

2009-07-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

The first harvest from our humble veggie garden. Josh named it Curtis.

show, don't tell

2009-07-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

i've started this post several times but it never seems adequate to the task. Instead of a coherent travelogue you're going to get snippets and impressions and you'll just have to match them up with the pictures and your own imagination. The crux: annual camping trip to Patrick's Point with Pete and the Rostens, plus newcomers Saucy Stella and Chatty Matt.
--
i made a silly playlist. It had Michael Jackson and Cookie Monster and Journey and many many Coldplay songs. 'Viva La Vida' came on right as we reached the last, best Vista Point en route and so we said 'okay universe' and stopped to viva.

Our site was right: backdoor path to the crest trail and the iron ocean and striped sky, hidden from the circling rangers with their rules and the middle-aged crunchers with their matching jumpsuits, close to bathroom, trash and potable faucet of potability. "Do you know the difference between a cactus and a corvette?" i think the forest giggled. Pete slept with Big Agnes every night.

A ladder on a hill, tidepools. Sky: grey, rocks: grey, creatures: red white purple orange. Lives and civilizations under foot, generations of microscopics. A cave! if we had a wand we would have searched for the horcrux. 'Don't worry Harry, don't worry Albus, we took care of it already. Go back to Hogwarts and live long, full lives.' Josh found someone's sweatshirt and stowed it away. How very Josh. Climb back up the ladder, climb climb climb. Strip off layers, kick rocks.
'Sister's my new mother now, mother!' Chips, soup, cheese, Catan.

Everything is mossy and grey and eerie and patient. The walking trails are dinosaur movies. It's all pure and primal and it blinks and turns its head away when the tiny, tiny humans walk through with their clicking boxes and sharp voices. Stella doesn't relax, she is an animal in the animals' land and feels more dog blood in her veins than ever. She alone can protect us from the raptors.

The waves breathe in sand and exhale mist and the birds sing strange songs with more notes than science can explain. There is only green and brown and grey until the tree with pink flowers appears with its big blossoms and then shrinks back into the lush, only to appear around the next corner.

We talk of God and not-God. The fire is too low. We talk of reason and affection and faith and not-faith. The Muddy Buddies make circles of their own volition. i play movie games in my head. 'Brendan Fraser was in Crash with Terrence Howard who was in Hustle and Flow with Taraji Henson who was in Benjamin Button with Cate Blanchett who was in the awful Elizabeth sequel with Clive Owen who was in The Bourne Identity with Matt Damon who was in School Ties with Brendan Fraser who was in Crash with Don Cheadle who was...'
At Lost Coast Brewery they lie to us and then pass us over. We wonder why brew food makes us suffer the things we suffer. Waiting. Vowing to make new traditions next year. Starving. Thinking of a year ago and a Joker vs Gotham. Waiting. Finally sitting. Waiting. Exercising our powers as consumer diners. Turkey sandwich and Great White. Lovely golden Great White. Like water, only beer. Driving in the not-quite-rain. "Lyn was named Princess Of Verbosity," said the verbose one. 50mph is so unbearable.

Luffenholtz, i love you. In 5 or 4 or 3 or 2 years you will either be utterly unreachable or there will be a fancy road and a fancy parking lot and you will be developed and crowded and whitewashed and neon and you will say 'don't look at me' and it will be something more than tragic but nothing less than unsurprising. But you're not yet. You're still hidden and just barely accessible and precarious and rocky and a permanent embrace, high or low tide. You are foreboding and morose but calm and pure. Your sand is in my teeth and it tastes like peppers and apples. Your textures are sharp, gritty and cold and i eat warm food with skins and juices. i validate you by seeking heat against your cold.

Ranger: "That wouldn't happen to be a service dog, would it?" He was too young, too interested in his coworker to believe in law and in order.
Me: "Nope." i didn't say that she also didn't 'happen' to be my dog.

i am alternately hushed and thrilled. i'm like a child unsure of which instinct to trust: my excitement or my reverence. The reverence begets the excitement. i have years of this salt in my lungs, years of moss and sand in the treads of shoes both long since disposed of and under the bed. i have years to go before i sleep.

something i just decided i really really love

2009-07-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Movie titles with punctuation. Like this one.

i read Twilight so you don't have to

2009-06-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Okay world, i read Twilight. Out of principle i waited several months until the Shasta County library's only copy became available because i refused to pay good (and short-in-supply) money for it. i did not want to read it, but enough of my friends were fans and enough people asked my opinion of it that i decided to form an educated judgment. Plus, once upon a time i refused to get into the Harry Potter fanaticism and i am now full Pottermaniac.

Twilight. Ohhhhhhhhhh Twilight. i am not a fan or a maniac. i am a detractor. And i'm deeply concerned in general. For the unfamiliar, Twilight is the story of a teenager named Bella who moves from her mom's house in Arizona to her semi-estranged father's home in Forks, WA. She is an odd-girl-out and is the new kid in school. She has no friends in Forks, no real relationship with her father, and didn't leave any friends behind in Arizona. On her first day in Biology, her desk partner, a preternaturally attractive boy named Edward, appears to loathe her with every fiber of his being. Oh, and his eyes change from topaz to black. Even though he seems to hate her and treats her with contempt, Bella becomes obsessed with him. Long story short, he is a 107 year old vampire and they become friends and then lovebirds. Edward can read minds, but not Bella's because she is special. She also has a special scent that makes him really REALLY want to drink her blood. These factors make him love her even though he has not wanted to be friends or lovers with a human in 107 years, and it's all kinds of dangerous for him to do so.

The writing is bad, not atrocious, but still bad. Stephanie Meyer writes like a juvenile in that she uses way too many adjectives all the time. Also, the plot doesn't really go anywhere but round and round and round while Edward and Bella make cutesy eyes at each other- well, scratch that- while Edward bosses Bella around, laughs at her humanity, and SNEAKS INTO HER ROOM EVERY NIGHT TO WATCH HER SLEEP EVEN BEFORE THEY ARE DATING and while Bella obssesses over a boy who seems to alternate loathing her and being amused by her. i wish i had counted how many times Edward's responses to Bella were described as 'mocking' or 'laughing'. He also physically manuevers her everywhere. He's always steering her, picking her up, etc. Meyer uses it to characterize him as a strong, romantic and chivalrous. i saw it as controlling, manipulative and moody. Frankly, i thought the guy was an ass and a sociopath. Here's a list of the qualities millions of people are swallowing as romantic and perfect and all that:
He tells Bella she is his personal brand of heroin.
He follows her around when she is out with her acqaintances, including when they take trips out of town to go shopping.
He climbs into her room at night to watch her sleep and to eavesdrop on her talking in her sleep.
He repeatedly tells her how he could kill her at any second and that he's dangerous to be around. So he continues to follow her around and watch her sleep.
He insults and chastises her for wanting to be around him.
He acts like her clumsiness in PE will kill her if he's not around to protect her.
He menaces other boys who talk to her.
He tricks her into going to the prom even though she doesn't want to (this includes choosing her dress and shoes and deciding on her hair and makeup.)
He insults her driving and insists on either taking his fancy Volvo everywhere or taking her beat up truck but only with him driving.
He isolates her from the few social connections she has.

Now, i don't know about you, but i've seen enough episodes of Oprah to know an abusive person when i read about him. The reason millions of fans find this prick perfect, romantic, etc is because he is all this.... and PRETTY. No, 'dazzling'. His vampireness evidently makes him 'marbled' and 'glittering' and 'sculpted'. (GAG) Where have America's brains gone??? The guy is a creep and the character of Bella is the sort of lonely, weak-willed void of personality that perpetuates these sorts of relationships.

i understand how the story can be addictive, light-hearted page-turning fun, but there are too many books in the world for me to spend time on these. Anne Rice did vampires already, and she did it better. Go read those. Or if you're a young adult, read Harry Potter again. It's about friendship and acceptance and education, not about how many times your blood-drinking boyfriend can treat you like an dumbass for being in love with him.

song #7

2009-06-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

So close, pudding pops, but these things can't be rushed.

Here we are at lucky #7 and to achieve it we must travel far, far away to a land called Italy. Or to a nearby Blockbuster where we rent 'Big Night', because it's on the soundtrack. The song is "Mo Ve' la Bella Mia da la Muntagna" by Matteo Salvatore. i included it in my Top 15 because it makes me think of Italy and my time in Rome and the old men who would sit outside the shops smoking and drinking cappucinos. It makes me think of nuns too. (You see alot of nuns in Rome.) Winter introduced me to the 'Big Night' soundtrack before i'd seen or even heard of the movie. Turns out it's a very good flick, but don't watch on an empty stomach. i used one of the tracks by Gary DiMichele in my wedding, that's how much i like the music. i thought of putting the DiMichele song on my top 15 but it's just instrumental and doesn't invoke memories of Rome the way the Salvatore song does. It's in Italian, here's a rough translation of the lyrics:
It has been written in your heart
my destiny
even my own existence is poisoned (2x)
I want to stay always close to you
for that red mouth and beautiful perfume
for those I'd willingly lose my life (2x)
for the ability to say to the world that
I have kissed your mouth
if you were a queen and I had a kingdom
I would laden you with pearls from the Orient (2x)
in exchange for your fascinating love.

You can hear the song in this really random video that, believe it or not, i had nothing to do with the title of. The song is the first one in the video, the second is a good followup, but not good enough for my top 15.

And here is a clip from 'Big Night' that kind of terrifies me because i'm afraid i've unknowingly done this to some poor chef at some point in my life.

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

2009-06-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

The music and the moves, the imagination, the fearlessness. Eccentric and troubled, yes, but if you were a public performer from the age of 6 you'd probably be a little strange too. He did things no one had ever seen before that scores of performers are trying to build on still. Here's to wondering what comes next that will hold a candle to what he produced. Here's Billie Jean, try not to dance along.

dumb alert

2009-06-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

Today at church we were introduced to a fun 'fact' about our dog's breed.

"Did you know," the person asked, "that pit bulls' brains grow too big for their skulls and it makes them bite their owners?"

We repeated this fun glob of bull to our doctor friend Gawayne who laughed at the idea that the only effect of an enlarged brain would be to make a mammal respond by biting a select group of people.

Here are more amusing myths on ferocious beasts like ours.

Moral of the story: don't be an idiot.

impressions on father's day

2009-06-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

Kallie:
When we were little and my mom was out of town or had to leave really early in the morning my dad would be in charge of getting us ready for school and would try to do my sister's and my hair. i remember being amusedly baffled that the intricacies of the ponytail seemed so thoroughly beyond him since he was in all other respects Capable of Anything. (he couldn't seem to get the ponytail in place without lumps everywhere) Whenever he was in charge of dinner he would make pancakes. And more pancakes. With a pile of pancakes on top. It was an all-or-nothing production. An entire box of Bisquick or starvation. Three children can only eat so many pancakes. i'm pretty sure we're still digesting some of those pancakes to this day. My dad, the consummate athlete, ended up with 3 sportsless kids with nary a varsity appearance between them. He somehow got 3 theater geeks, but we were competitive geeks at least.

Josh:
My dad has a cool mustache. He would let me stay up late and watch tv with him if i'd snuck out of bed, but my sisters were always sent back to bed if they tried the same trick. He always tells the same 30 jokes. When i was really little we had matching cowboy boots and belt buckles that we'd wear to church. Every Saturday for years and years he'd get up early and have breakfast with my grandpa and my uncle at my grandma's restaurant. He's always been a prankster. One time he sneakily added an extra 'meal deal' to the sign in my grandma's restaurant, a steak-and-eggs deal for $3, and she didn't realize it until a customer ordered it. He used to draw faces on our fingertips and we had little finger people to play with. It was genius, kept us entertained forever.

Happy Father's Day to our dads and grandpas: Floy, Dan, Sam, Gary & Jerry!

recession haircut, part ii

2009-06-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

We gave in. He had too much hair and it was too kitty-soft for our clippers. It would've taken HOURS and HOURS just to get it cut short, much less beautifully bald, and he would've looked atrocious and CPS (cat protective services) would've hauled us in. So we called Melissa at Millville Vet and $30 later she was done within the morning. This time she shaved his entire tail, but left his legs and head fluffy. Behold:

And the group shot:

It is not napping, it is 'generating'.

2009-06-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to our attention that The Pen is not completely mammal. She is also solar powered. We have determined this because every morning she wakes herself up to go outside and go to sleep again, but always in the part of the lawn (and by lawn i mean scrub) with optimal sun and always on her right side. This must be because her solar panels are installed on her left flank. After a few hours, she wakes herself up to come inside and go back to sleep while the UV stuff formulates with her mammalian system. She does this all summer and stores the solar energy to use year round.

Mostly, she is just a blindingly white pile of Creature.

ahh, spellers...

2009-05-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

...the only 12 and 13yr old kids who list their favorite foods as 'dark chocolate' instead of 'HOT POCKETS!' and their personal heroes as 'Nupur Lala' and 'Amelia Earhart' instead of 'THE GIRL FROM TWILIGHT!!!!'.

Congrats to Kavya Shivashankar, who just won the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee with the correct spelling of "laodicean".

Song #8

2009-05-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

We're getting to the really good stuff, comrades!
Similar to how Tom Petty made the list, i knew in the earliest days of crafting The Topmost that Ben Harper should be included. Story time!
The time: Spring of 2000, freshman year of PLNU. My boyfriend had just yanked the rug out from under me and dumped my already-angsty little heart. i told my mother. Mysteriously, my older brother called the next day with the mysterious desire to take me out to lunch. Yeah. Mysterious fish, i did smell. So he picked me up at school (since i was a lowly dorm-bound freshman with no car) and off we drove into the funky heart of goofy li'l Ocean Beach. We made small talk. Then he said he 'has a song' for me, and put in a cd and chose a track. It was Ben Harper (who i'd never heard or heard of) singing 'Another Lonely Day', the first line of which is 'Yes indeed, i'm alone again. Here comes emptiness crashing in.' i was no dummy, even back then, and was pretty clear on the impetus for the lunch date. i said 'so i guess you talked to mom.' He said something like 'Yeah. Sucks. Sorry.' That was about the extent of discussion of that subject and we let the song play. He bought me a sandwich at a weird little deli and we had our lunch and he returned me to campus and probably said something like 'hang in there' but i don't remember. i really just remember him playing me the song.
A little over a year later, in the summer before junior year, Jason gave me 2 cds he'd grown tired of listening to and thought i might like. They were Ben Harper albums: 'Welcome to the Cruel World' and 'Will to Live.' i was entranced. It was a very complicated summer. My roommate was a friend who was quickly turning out to be a monster, i couldn't figure out if i really wanted to be with the boy who'd dumped me or if just didn't want to be alone, and i was about to move to Italy. i used to get overwhelmed by it all and drive to a parking lot and sit listening to the two albums (even Mama's Trippin'). Three years after that, when i married the boy who'd dumped me, we danced with our parents to Ben Harper's 'Waiting on An Angel' and our last dance of the night was to 'Forever'. His collaboration with the Blind Boys of Alabama is one of maybe 6 cds i've purchased in the last 5 years. i think his lyrics are true and i love his voice.
i chose 'Walk Away' for the top 15 list, which may be kind of odd since it's a sad break-up song, but i just love it. i think it demonstrates his vocals pretty well, but is just an excellent example of good lyric-writing. It's hard to write a break-up song that is true to the pain while resisting wallowing and camp and also containing the slightest bit of optimism. This one is wonderful. My favorite parts are 'You put the Happy in my ness' and 'Time has taken my Tomorrows and turned them into Yesterdays.' Good stuff.
Please to enjoy: Ben Harper performing my song #8, 'Walk Away.'

Weekend of the Almighty Asterisk

2009-05-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

Jason and Winter came and visited us for Memorial Day weekend! They didn't stop by on their way to or from somewhere, they came TO US, FOR US. We are special peeps. Here is what we did with our timity-time-time:

-Saw the bastard hybrid of Jim Krasinksi & Michael Phelps*
-Had the best gutful of In N Out EVER**
-Made Penny look like a rabbit
-Wandered through the Arboretum and visited The World's Largest Sundial***
-Just about killed Jason
-Went grocery shopping (no really, it was fun)
-Made the kickest-ass meal ever crafted at 1142 Walnut****
-Played Settlers of Catan*****
-Watched 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon'******
-Went Aqua Golfing (the balls float)
-Visted the winery and got harassed by a drunk rancher
-Saw the Largest Privately-Owned Waterfall*******
-Baked some souffles********
-Watched all the best episodes of Arrested Development*********
-Smelled and saw Shasta Dam**********
-Visited the Baker Country Club for a swim, steak dinner, and outdoor fireplace sit-around
-Saw Sue!***********
-Met a gorgeous barn owl
-Observed masterful uses of Legos
-Discussed iphones************

As you can see, it was a weekend of spectacle, intrigue, and giggles. Thanks for coming to visit us! We really do feel honored and hope to return the favor soon.
___
*he wasn't what you would call 'classically good-looking'
**Thanks to Charles in Woodland for delivering the savory
***That Is Also A Bridge
****Any previous meals prepared by the previous owners and ibvolving Special Herbs do not count
*****Two times!
******Three times! We heart Jimmy.
*******In The State Of California
********Two times! (oops)
*********And the worst Arrested Development episodes are still better than the best thing on tv right now
**********The spillway of which is the largest man-made waterfall in the WORLD!
***********The largest and most complete T. Rex skeleton in the WORLD!
************Eleventy-billion times!

Recession Haircut

2009-05-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

Every summer (for the past 2 summers, at least) we have dropped Cosmo off at the vet and returned a matter of hours later to a terrified, freakish version of his former self. He is so, SO big, with such long hair and such affection for stickers and all sorts of ghastly things a cat can roll around in, that to maintain a proper humans-to-plant-and-insect ratio inside the home we have to do some feline deforestation. Well, this year there is an economic decline- maybe you've heard a thing or two about it, i dunno, EVERYWHERE- so we thought we'd give the DIY try and shave the poor guy ourselves. For the record, this is what he looks like normally:

This is how he turns out when the professionals do it:

And this is what he looks like after 3 of us screw around with the electric razor for 10 minutes before realizing it's 11pm and this will have to take at least an hour:

friends in high places

2009-05-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Here is why i like being friends with Jesse and Lyn: They are nice. They like beer and funny tv. They are not necessarily better than me at Settlers of Catan. Also? They give me writing jobs. Tonight i am writing scripts for radio spots and the 'vibe' i was instructed to use was something along the lines of 'cool and smart, with a touch of smirk. Think Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven.' So poor, poor me has to sit at my computer and listen to funky-sly music and look at this dastardly image all evening.

Late Night with the H-Bomb

2009-05-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while i cruise through the television schedule to see if anyone interesting will be on the late night circuit (Leno, Letterman, Fallon, etc) and then i set the DVR to record to whatever catches my fancy. (ahhh, that crazy Fancy. So elusive that few things can ever catch it. And what is done with the Fancy once it is caught? NO IDEA. But it somehow manages to escape every time. Good old Fancy. Elusive like a fox.) Right now i'm watching last night's Letterman, which i recorded because it said Tom Hanks and The Killers would be on. i figured that was a pretty good lineup and David Letterman is my 3rd favorite late night host.

So now i'm watching and i just keep thinking 'DEAR GOD, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I SAW TOM HANKS?? AND HOW HAVE I LIVED WITHOUT HIM ALL THIS TIME???' A quick imdb search verifies that the most recent Tom Hanks movie i've seen was The Terminal, which was in 2004. Granted, i've caught bits of Cast Away and Philadelphia on tv now and then, but i haven't seen The DaVinci Code or Charlie Wilson's War, his most recent big-time projects. Now Angels & Demons is coming out so he's peddling it around. Maybe it was fatigue, maybe delirium from only leaving the 4 walls of our home office twice in 10 hours, maybe he's actually Beelzebub and has evil powers of influence, but as soon as Tom Hanks started palling around with Dave, i felt like everything in the world would be okay. The recession, the war, the environment, etc. It would all be resolved or something or other...i'm not sure how, but having Tom Hanks around will make it okay. Here's what's odd about this whole burst of Hanks-love: i was never exactly over the moon for the guy in the first place. i think Forrest Gump was wildly overrated. i mean, sure, i liked him and thought he was a fun actor to watch, but i always thought he was just a glorified Everyman. Now i know: HE IS A GLORIOUS EVERYMAN. i have officially added him to the esteemed list of 'People I Would Pay To Listen To While They Read The Phone Book Or Something Equally Boring Like The Stimulus Package Paperwork Or Maybe Something Really Lame Like 'Twilight', Yeah, I Said It'. (other dignitaries include Eartha Kitt and Harry Shearer) i can't really explain it, but charisma and familiarity came together and i experienced a renewed affection for America's Favorite.

Also, since we're talking about Late Night telly, how great is Jimmy Fallon? The answer is 'really great!' His time on SNL was fun, but not exceptional. The talk show is his true vehicle. His boyish enthusiasm makes for authentic affection between the host and his guests. And i love Max Weinberg as much as the next person, but Fallon has The Roots doing his music. THE ROOTS! He must have sold his soul to Tom Hanks for that privilege. Good times.

Twitter addicts be warned

2009-05-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Someone has put a great deal of time and effort into mocking you, and i'm rewarding their decision by passing that mock along to this blog's enormous, rabid throng of fans.

The Rarely-Seen Jekyll to his Hyde

2009-05-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

This must seem like when the production crew on the Planet Earth documentary finally got footage of the elusive snow leopard. In actuality, our Vicious Monster can actually be quite the cuddler. It's much like he's embarrassed of his love for us and can therefore only show affection when no one is around. Another apt metaphor would be that of your standard abusive relationship. He abuses us- attacks our ankles, jumps on our faces while we sleep, bosses us around- and then just when we're ready to pack up and leave in the night, there he is with flowers and apologies and toasty, soft fur, and we're puddy in his paws.

Song #9

2009-05-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

GAH! i'm upset at the internet. i wanted to post an mp3 or a video of my #9 song for you to examine and subsequently completely love (because i have super taste and because you are impressionable) but i cannot make it happen. i could embed a subpar live version or a cover, but it's not the same. i'm upset. i need to watch THIS again because i'm irrationally bothered that i cannot snap my fingers and put this song on my bliggityblog.
Sigh.

So, my #9 song is 'Square One' by Tom Petty. When i first started crafting my Top 15 list i began with a handful of artists who i loved and who have formed me into the supreme being you want to live and shop with. Tom Petty was one of the first i listed. i can remember his Wildflowers album coming out when i was in junior high, and how the song 'You Don't Know How It Feels' became my personal anthem for a while. That song, coupled with the title track, made me believe that even if i was a weird-looking, dorky, confused kid for the rest of my life, Tom Petty would still care about me. It was one of the first cds i ever bought (and i don't buy very many cds) and i had the entire album memorized. Front-runners for the 'Tom Petty Representational Song on Kallie's Top 15' included 'Don't Fade on Me' and 'Higher Ground' as well as 'Wildflowers'. There are other songs worthy of being called his best, but i eventually settled on 'Square One', off the more recent 'Highway Companion' album that John bought while we were housemates. (John bought a new cd at least every week and i would dutifully steal them, upload them into my iTunes, and return them). i chose this song because i felt it best represents Tom Petty's optimism, lyricism, and musicality, my three favorite things about his work. Since i can't embed the song, here are the lyrics and you are hereby assigned to buy it from iTunes and listen to it in its entirety. Then repeat.

Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more

Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head and meet my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

Faceyspacies

2009-05-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

Glee

2009-04-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

Just saw this extended trailer for a new show called 'Glee' coming to Fox. i laughed out loud several times watching this, the writing seems really great. i did (non-musical) theater in high school and can identify with some of these seemingly-exaggerated-but-are-frighteningly-true characters (ahem, gold-star girl). Plus, Jane Lynch. Can i get an 'enough said'? You know her from Best In Show, A Mighty Wind, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and 1,089,345,345 other things she was brilliant in. Plus, i'm a sucker for a good musical, but only because i firmly believe that 90% of the 'good musicals' out there are actually rubbish. Plus, i like saying 'Glee'.

(plus)

hipster 101

2009-04-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

i've been labeled a hipster. This is incorrect. The problem is the occasional convergence of Actual Fashion (which i casually follow) with Hipster Garb. Certain elements of Actual Fashion, such as the reimagining of some 80s and early 90s staples, have found their way into Hipster Garb. This has resulted in the lay person's confusion of Hipster Garb with Actual Fashion. This is an understandable, yet grave, mistake: hipsters do not follow fashion trends (according to them) and are generally immune to labels like 'trendy' (according to them). To imply that they are guided by even the most respectable fashion mores would be to imply they are not 100% autonomously, edgily creative and is therefore insulting. Here is a list of identifying characteristics of hipsters:

The female hipster only wears flat-soled shoes: pointy-toe flats, throwback sneakers like Keds or deck shoes, or short, slouchy 80s boots.
The male hipster only wears heeled shoes, most often dapper boots that barely fit under their very skinny pants. On off-days they may wear crusty old Vans.

Both male and female hipsters only wear skinny pants. Only. Whereas the female fashionista wears her skinny jeans with tall boots or heels to appear long and thin like a runway model, the female hipster wears her skinny jeans with lumpy moccasins or slouchy boots to look stumpy and anti-fashion.

Hipsters only wash their hair once every 5.7 days. Their hairstyles range between 'complicated rat's nest' and 'complicated bed head'. Natural dirt, oil, and grease are always a styling factor. This results in a generally dull sheen because they are contrary to traditional social structures of Dick-and-Jane cleanliness.

When they are not drinking espresso or coffee they made in their French press, hipsters drink beer. Most are committed to the most obscure microbrews they can find; the more ironic hipster subsets drink Natty Ice or other canned varieties to indicate they are not bound by quaint conventions of Quality or Independence.

Hipsters wear thick-rimmed glasses, a la Ryan Adams, but that's not where they got the idea. Even though most of them worship Ryan Adams.

All hipsters are either in a band, dating someone who is in a band, or live with someone who is either in a band or is dating someone in a band. They are committed to their art, or to the art of the person they are dating.

Hipsters name their babies Roscoe and Clementine.

Hipster males are likely to sport fungal mustaches. Hipster females may have sleeve tattoos.

Now you may be able to spot the hipsters in your neighborhood! For further reference, see these quality indexes of observation. If there are an alarming number of hipsters congregating at your local coffee shop, a purebred dog released into the group will disperse them promptly. If you are confronted by one, using the term 'hipster' will render the same effect as thrusting a crucifix at a vampire. If you're afraid you're in danger of becoming a hipster, immediately stop finding ways to be ironic. Inject generalities of all kinds into your life. Wear cargo shorts. Examine your pictures and journals from junior high when being awkward and nerdy was actually real and horrible and not a cheeky way to be an individual.

And here in their glory are The Hipster Olympics:

it grooooooooows!

2009-04-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

things with which i am indeed on board

2009-04-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

My cat hunting crane flies in the yard

Schedules

The ending of the Stop Loss program

Eyeliner

Fictional time travel

My friends having healthy, happy babies

Kirk Douglas movies

Granola and yogurt being the new peanut butter and jelly

Reversible clothing

Ceiling fans

Rosemary as a garnish

When my dog looks goofily naked because she's not wearing her collar

All things Dyson

Parmesan cheese dipped in honey

Song #10

2009-04-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Getting back to the countdown of my recently created Top 15 Songs, we are finally cracking the top 10. Coming on the heels of Mr. Ray and his immortal ode to Georgia, we have David Grey and my favorite of his many contributions to Life As We Know It. Here we have 'This Year's Love'. i love the way this one rocks back and forth, and even though the lyrics are kind of standard love song fare, i think they're quality all the same and a great fit to the melody. i really dislike the video and find it a terrible distraction from the song, but i don't know how to embed just the song into a blog post, so i recommend starting the clip yet not watching the cheesy video.

full sun

2009-04-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

We are attempting to grow stuff! Alarmingly, it's kind of our first attempt in almost 5 years of marriage. You could say that we 'grew' Cosmo, but since he started out as a tiny, happy kitty with short hair and is now an angry behemoth swamp thing that frightens small children, i'd say we failed at that. Penny was already full grown when we adopted her, and thank Jebus because we probably would've screwed her up. i killed some cacti that we tried to grow in the house and that's been about it. Frankencat viciously stalks and attacks any flowers we put in vases, so plants around the house is kind of a lost cause. Now we're turning over a new leaf (if we can get a single leaf). We bought some seeds, bought some dirt, and are on our way to veggies! (hopefully) Come back for the harvest; it should be ....unique.

things with which i am just not on board

2009-04-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

Commercials that try to combine beer and exercise into one lifestyle

Those platform flip-flops made of foam

Anne Hathaway

Using ellipses instead of real punctuation to communicate your hipster thoughtfulness...

Twitter

The canine version of racial profiling

The return of scrunchies

Flooding

Judd Apatow movies and their revolving casts.

People talking about 'times like these'

That sedan across the street from our house that NEVER MOVES and makes it impossible for us to U-turn

Leggings

Reality tv shows featuring competing chefs. What is the draw??? you can't taste what they made!!

Noisy frogs

Pretty much anything pertaining to Jane Austen

Churches that only ever teach on 'scandalous', 'controversial' topics. They're like celebrities who blab on and on about being 'real' or supermodels who crow about being ugly in 7th grade

Daggers

Cat dreadlocks

Dear General Motors, NO. Uh-uh. Sincerely, America

2009-03-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

GM has a tv ad running right now with a script that says something like 'America needs a rebound' blah blah blah with the honest-yet-uplifting recession talk that e v e r y o n e is employing right now. The thing about it is, GM failed as a company. Failed to keep up with the times and provide economically manufactured, desirable products at a competitive market rate. Survival of the fittest is as applicable in consumer culture as it is in nature. America has problems and needs a rebound, no doubt about that, but America's problems are sooooo not the same as GM's problems. GM made its own bed and now wants the rest of us to lie in it with them. Frankly, i resent them pretending we're the same entities with the same mistakes and the same path to recovery/success. To that i say, lame effort GM, but thanks- it made me love my Toyota all the more!

overdue post about Stella Bea

2009-03-29T18:44:00.001-07:00

This is Stella Bea Rosten, only dog-child of neighbors and cohorts, Lyn & Jesse. She is Penny's bff, workout buddy, ringmaster, makeout partner, wrestlemania teammate and chief rival for affection and quality time with the tennis ball/rope toy/dino chewy etc. Though she is only half Penny's size, she holds her own in their near-constant wrestling matches. They were instant friends and, aside from a few tiffs resulting from Sexual Experimentation Without The Other's Consent, have been getting along swimmingly for about 3 months. Their wrestling techniques are strangely compatible: Penny attempts to devour Stella's hind legs and Stella tries to gnaw off Penny's face. Why this works so well, none of us really know, but it does and there has been intense wrestlage from day one. Josh and i are very glad they're besties because we were starting to think our Dog Of Emotional Baggage would never have a friend and never experience all the mental and physical stimulation that goes along with canine companionship. Stella Bea to the rescue.

Everyhing's Amazing, Nobody's Happy

2009-03-24T21:48:00.000-07:00