things with which i am just not on board

Commercials that try to combine beer and exercise into one lifestyle

Those platform flip-flops made of foam

Anne Hathaway

Using ellipses instead of real punctuation to communicate your hipster thoughtfulness...

Twitter

The canine version of racial profiling

The return of scrunchies

Flooding

Judd Apatow movies and their revolving casts.

People talking about 'times like these'

That sedan across the street from our house that NEVER MOVES and makes it impossible for us to U-turn

Leggings

Reality tv shows featuring competing chefs. What is the draw??? you can't taste what they made!!

Noisy frogs

Pretty much anything pertaining to Jane Austen

Churches that only ever teach on 'scandalous', 'controversial' topics. They're like celebrities who blab on and on about being 'real' or supermodels who crow about being ugly in 7th grade

Daggers

Cat dreadlocks

Dear General Motors, NO. Uh-uh. Sincerely, America

GM has a tv ad running right now with a script that says something like 'America needs a rebound' blah blah blah with the honest-yet-uplifting recession talk that e v e r y o n e is employing right now. The thing about it is, GM failed as a company. Failed to keep up with the times and provide economically manufactured, desirable products at a competitive market rate. Survival of the fittest is as applicable in consumer culture as it is in nature. America has problems and needs a rebound, no doubt about that, but America's problems are sooooo not the same as GM's problems. GM made its own bed and now wants the rest of us to lie in it with them. Frankly, i resent them pretending we're the same entities with the same mistakes and the same path to recovery/success. To that i say, lame effort GM, but thanks- it made me love my Toyota all the more!

overdue post about Stella Bea

This is Stella Bea Rosten, only dog-child of neighbors and cohorts, Lyn & Jesse. She is Penny's bff, workout buddy, ringmaster, makeout partner, wrestlemania teammate and chief rival for affection and quality time with the tennis ball/rope toy/dino chewy etc. Though she is only half Penny's size, she holds her own in their near-constant wrestling matches. They were instant friends and, aside from a few tiffs resulting from Sexual Experimentation Without The Other's Consent, have been getting along swimmingly for about 3 months. Their wrestling techniques are strangely compatible: Penny attempts to devour Stella's hind legs and Stella tries to gnaw off Penny's face. Why this works so well, none of us really know, but it does and there has been intense wrestlage from day one. Josh and i are very glad they're besties because we were starting to think our Dog Of Emotional Baggage would never have a friend and never experience all the mental and physical stimulation that goes along with canine companionship. Stella Bea to the rescue.

Everyhing's Amazing, Nobody's Happy

Texts in my phone, vol. eleventybillion

I'm nobody's snow ho!

That's what small-group wives are supposed to do, right?

He decided to give me money instead! That was the most stressful experience of my life

just found 2 large furry detached legs of the insect varietal on bathroom floor.

Dance magic dance. I am jealous.

I'm going to punch linguistics in the balls.

I think I may start wearing hair pins. Is that okay? I'll start with bobby pins then work my way back in time. (note: not from a female)

You're bald???

It makes it really hard to stalk you when you park in the back.

He wants to be outside so much but can't seen to handle the wind. Kinda like a fat kid!

Jesse says that if pete comes it would be a petenic.

How can you "kind of" look @ a strangers underpants?

Bitch please

Hermie? Hermie? Hermie?

considering I'm STILL finding eyes from 5 years ago I'm very excited to see what you come up with.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god. What are you going to wear to the gala?

I'm going to poke my eyes out with...my shiny award!!! Let's to party!

i took a fake sick day last thursday, and now i think i have bronchitis or pneumonia. lesson learned.
--apparently i may have what they call "walking" pneumonia. yes, i am that lucky.

So. Two more years. Thats a lot of harley time.

only if i cough directly into your mouth. i promise i won't.

Who is the lead singer of the police? (Sting) You know that song "coming in the air tonight" who sings that? (Phil Collins) Its that guy right? (No)

That's amazing! Hey my sister's having her baby right now her f***ing b**** of a dr isn't there. She's lucky i'm down here buy i'd f*** her the f*** up.
--I just got the call...She pushed out a 9.3lb kid! Holy vagina batgirl!

Assolutamente fantastico, amico!

Dear NASA....

Now is the time, this is your chance: make outer space cool again. The people have spoken and i promise that it is in your best interest to listen to them. Remember back in the days of yore when Americans tuned in to watch shuttle launches? (i don't. i hadn't been born yet.) These days we gravity-bound plebians don't know anything about what you're sending into orbit (unless it crashes, unfortunately) but now you have the opportunity to make sure at least a handful of goofballs is paying partial attention. Be democratic. Give the people what they want. We want Colbert.

Oops: Colbert wins NASA space station name contest

WASHINGTON – NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Comedian Stephen Colbert won.
The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.

NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report" to write in his name. And they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday.

NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration."
----
This journalist's bias against Dear Stephen is glaring. 'Went awry'?? why not 'went spectacularly well'? For shame. Where's truthiness in the newsmedia when you need it?

latest obsession

There's a show on the We network called The Locator and i can't not watch it. The premise is that this guy, Troy Dunn, and his family run a business locating lost people by request of their loved ones. It's often cases of siblings separated by the foster system and people separated from a parent. The stories are heartbreaking and the capacity of people to survive and to forgive and to love is fascinating. Sometimes Troy's 'searching' gets a little stagey, but he's good at guiding his clients through the very difficult process and getting the story told without it all devolving to an Oprah or Extreme Home Makeover-esque cloying weeper. He has his clients' best interests at heart, not his own reputation. Sometimes the 'lost' ones don't want to be found, and those situations are hard, but the successful reunions are very moving. The best part is that when Troy brings the two parties together, he does it simply and then walks away. Most of the time you don't even notice he's gone because you're caught up with the happy reunion. He doesn't mug for the camera and shout about all the good things he's done and he doesn't lurk around asking pointed questions to try to make them cry. (see: Pennington, Ty, then gag.) It's a well-made show and is very interesting and uplifting.

On the advantages of drought and dry heat

Looks like Mother Nature has a case of the Mondays. That's our mailbox:
This is the creek that runs beside our house and under the street....well, it USUALLY runs under the street. Not today. That's our car:
And this is our yard, which has a 2 foot retaining wall down to the sidewalk, which is of course higher than the street. Under normal conditions, of course. The red car is kindly demonstrating how the street in front of OUR house is the worst section.
Josh came home for lunch just in time to change into his best rain gear and start building dams to keep the deluge out of our house. And he was clever enough to measure the amount of water he had INSIDE his boots. (about 1 measuring cup each)

Song #11

Getting back to the top 15 countdown of my all time besty-songzies, we are making a most logical jump from rock-n-roller prettyboys Kings of Leon to The Mister of all Misters, Mr. Ray Charles. i chose 'Georgia On My Mind', which you might think is kinda cliche' of me but to which i say 'stop with all the hate, we're already in a recession, you jackweed.' Try to deny the beauty of this song- the way his voice oooozes, the way it creates an intimate sense of place between you and somewhere you've probably never been, the everyone you know can identify it within the first few notes.... The fact that it's historical and popular doesn't make it less of a good choice for a personal list. It's still a very good song. The 11th best song ever, if you ask me. Since this song was performed by Ray so many times and has been covered and covered and covered (and never matched, in my opinion), it was hard to find my favorite version to post here. i am very resourceful though, and i used The Google. Please excuse the foreign subtitles. Sit back, turn up the volume, and drift away.

georgia on my mind stereo
Uploaded by ces

It goooooooooooes

We spent the last few days with our 5 pals, Matt, Brenda, Lizzie, Addison and Wahoo. (Wahoo is a dog, not an unfortunately-named child.) We slept in, we made food, the dogs played, we turned the ceiling fans off, we turned the ceiling fans on, we visited The World's Largest Sundial That Is Also A Bridge, we saw Warhols and Lichtensteins and 15 different breeds of geckos, we journeyed through the magical lands of Costco and moscato, we turned the ceiling fans off, we turned the ceiling fans on, we judged bad interior design and ate tacos, bought boots, built fires, crowned Miss Ireland, turned the ceiling fans off, turned the ceiling fans on, and generally giggled like idiots. Good times. And all this within Redding city limits! see how much fun visiting us can be? No really, it's rad. Thanks for making time for us, kiddos! We were honored and tickled pink and are excited you'll be on the West coast with us for a while.

dream

i was in an outdoor cafe' or food court area with Winter, my cousin Meredith, and Queen Latifah. Q. La and i were telling the others about how we work together at Macy's and were expressing our gratitude that we didn't work at that awful JC Penney's instead. The cafe' food court thingamabobber started playing the Beatles' 'Let It Be' over the speaker system and i became emotionally overwhelmed by the song, my life, etc., so i started to cry. Queen Latifah, Meredith, and Winter were too involved in their chit chat to notice, which i was glad about. Just as they were about to see me crying i was awoken by my phone, receiving a text message from my friend David that read: "I think I may start wearing hair pins. Is that okay?" i drifted back to sleep and my dream was gone. When i woke up an hour later i thought surely the random text had been part of the dream, but if you know David, you've probably already guessed that it was quite real.

Aqua Golf

Here are a couple picks of Kallie and I at aqua golf. She was kind enough to model for me for a picture I needed for the upcoming SU magazine we are creating at Simpson University.

Valentines present

I hope you enjoy your Valentines present Kallie.

public, private, potato, tomato

This may come as a shock to you (though it should not) but i do not shower daily. Or regularly. i have superhuman pH levels and a very sedentary lifestyle, both of which contribute to my ability to stay stink-free without bathing for several days. Sometimes, alluding to my lifestyle, my dear spouse will tease me and call me things like 'Stinky.' i do not charge him $4,000 for this insult.

Here's the thing: Disney cash cow and general tween puppet Miley Cyrus was hanging out with her friends in private and taking pictures. One picture was of everyone pulling their eyes and looking squinty. The picture was leaked to the internet and uproar ensued over her racial insensitivity and the poor behavior she is demonstrating for her fans. Now Miley is being sued by one woman who claims to be representing 1 million people, and she believes Miley owes each of those 1 million people $4,000 for the offense caused, totaling $4 billion. Never mind that
A- Miley's actions were in private, not on stage or on her show or at an endorsed appearance.
B- One of the friends in the picture is Asian.
C- She is a teenager, and sometimes that population of humanity goofs off and does stupid stuff.

When did it become okay to sue someone for hurting your feelings? and why do our feelings get hurt when someone calls attention to the basic markers of diversity? And if Miley Cyrus truly feels offensively toward another race, i think she's been raised by her parents and groomed by her Disneyness enough to know that you behave offensively behind someone's back, not with them in the same room. The presence of her Asian friend in the photo communicates that she probably was not making squinty eyes in an effort to communicate her race's superiority. And again, private gathering, private picture. It's interesting how the 'reporting' on this picture never mentions where it came from. Three guesses that it wasn't from Miley herself or someone with good intentions.

i can't say if i'm a fan of hers or not because i've never seen her show or heard one of her songs, but she is a singer and an actress, and not a 'lifecoach' and should therefore be held accountable for her singing and her acting only, not on every move she makes as a private citizen.

Moving on...

Michael Phelps has won 14 gold medals and he's only 23. You can't win gold medals, let alone that many, unless you're healthy and disciplined and responsible enough to endure the training and competition. Michael went to a private party and smoked marijuana; someone took a picture of it and sold/gave it to the media, so now Michael Phelps, who has 4 years until the next Olympics, is having to answer to the public about his actions. If he is an Olympian, and that's how we know him and what we praise him for and in whatever capacity made 'his job,' then what he does in private 4 years before needing to report to work is not our business unless it effects his job performance. A bong hit will not effect his backstroke in 2012. If it does, we have the right to be upset in 2012, but not until then. Also? private gathering, private actions. None of our business. Okay, play the 'marijuana is illegal' card (and wave it around in righteous indignation). Are you sure Michael doesn't have a license to partake of medicinal ganga? And when was the last time you went a WEEK without breaking a law? i broke one this morning. And this afternoon. And i'll probably break it on my way home. EASE UP. And i defer to my fantasy boyfriend Seth Meyers to finish up the Phelps portion of this diatribe:


i heard a recent interview wherein Brad Pitt was musing about how our culture requires actors to promote their projects by attending several talk shows/late night shows/magazine interviews etc and discussing their romantic lives. To a certain extent, the amount of awards a project and its participants receive is also based on this 'campaigning'. So here's the logic: an actor is paid to pretend he is someone else in a television show or a movie. The success of the movie or television is based largely on the actor telling strangers about his family and his sex life. Say it with me: HUH?? When a celebrity complains about the microscope they live under we wag our fingers and say 'but this is what you signed up for,' but you know what? not really. They signed to act or sing and we as a society added alot of fine print once we decided we liked or were interested in them, so if they want to KEEP their job, they have to sign on the dotted line, while we film them doing it. And if they're a female, we have to see if we can get a picture up their skirt while they're signing. In blood.

Now you're wondering what any of this has to do with me not showering. And you're wondering when i last showered. That's none of your business :) (see how i did that?)

Song 12

Moving right along to song 12 out of my Top 15. 'Use Somebody' by Kings of Leon ultimately eliminated the Foo Fighters' 'Best of You' from contention based on the strength of its musicality. i could listen to Caleb Followill sing the phone book or the script to The Bachelor (yes, there's a script, don't be naive), i love his voice that much. This is one of Kings more mainstream/radio-y songs, but i still love it. If you like it you should also check out 'Sex On Fire' and my other favorite, 'Day Old Blues'. Just don't tell my parents that i put the word sex on my blog.

Oh, it's a "belt bag"? Well in that case!!

Dear Target,

Here is a list of things you could call this FANNY PACK and we, the consumers who are actually not as stupid as you think we are, would still know it is a FANNY PACK and therefore not purchase it.

BUTT LUGGAGE
POSTERIOR PARCEL
WAIST BALE
HIPSTER HIPSTUFF
FREE CANDY
PET PONY
CHANGE/HOPE/ETC

Sincerely,

THE ENTIRE BUYING WORLD

ohhhhh, so THAT'S where W's brains went

Austin road sign warns motorists of zombies

An Austin road sign meant to warn motorists about road conditions instead read: "The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead!"
Vandals broke off a lock on the sign in central Austin early Monday and then hacked into the computer to change the words, said Sara Hartley, a city spokeswoman.
When they were done, the sign read: “The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead! Run for cold climate!”
Before leaving, the vandals reset the password so the city could not easily change the sign. The sign's humorous warning stayed up for several hours before the manufacturer of the computer could reset the password.
Austin officials aren’t taking the spoof lightly, noting it is a criminal act.
“The sign’s content was humorous, but the act of changing it wasn’t,” Hartley said.
__________________
Obviously, this is fantastic. Of all the things in the universe these pranksters could've picked to type, they picked zombies. For that, i applaud them.

song 13

Yo Yo Ma takes his bow as we count down my Top 15 songs. (yay! unintentional pun! Bow. Bow. Okay whatever.) i love cello music, i don't know anyone who doesn't. All the beauty of classical music without the squealy flutes and violins and scary cymbals and sopranos. Cello music is red wine and feathers and orchids. Here is my favorite cellist, playing my favorite cello song, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1. The way it builds in the third minute is so great, i listen to this song on repeat all the time.
(i realize the video is a little random, but it beats the version i found of this song set to a slideshow of Salvador Dali's more...terrifying surrealist pieces. Be sure to stick around for the amazingly bizarre city councilman hologram at the end. It was too good to pass up.)

Reason #11...

...of why i like Philip Seymour Hoffman: you can read the phrase, "Up next he voices an obese New Yorker with Asperger's in the claymation film Mary and Max" and realize just how much you love the entire world.

like him or not...

...he's your president, and you can't ignore that some pretty sweet art came out of this campaign. And what do we do with good art? we bastardize it!!!

She's Only Happy in the Sun

Penny honored Dr. King in her own special way yesterday. It involved snoring and moving from patch of carpet to patch of carpet, depending on the position of the sun. Just another terrible winter Monday in Redding. Today she is celebrating the inauguration in much the same way.

song 14

The 14th song on my top 15 list is Third Eye Blind's Motorcycle Drive By. This song made the list by virtue of its nostalgic connections. Find a carpet square, kiddies, cuz it's story time.
---
Once upon a time there was awkward Nazarene girl who had just graduated from high school. She joined a bunch of other awkward Nazarene kids on a trip to Toronto, Canada. In that group there was a goofy-looking Filipino wearing a PLNU sweatshirt. The girl, who was shy, asked, 'are you going there?' the boy grinned and said 'yes!' (he had crazy teeth). He asked if she was, too. She said, 'Yes. This fall?' 'Yes!' he said, and then pointed to another boy and said, 'he is too.' That boy was not Filipino, he was pale, pale white. The three awkward PLNU-bound kids became fast friends on their trip.
That Fall, they all met up at PLNU. Only the pale white boy had a car, and it was a beater with lots of bumper stickers for Christian bands. Sometimes the window didn't roll up and other times the clutch didn't work. The pale white boy drove his friends everywhere and he always played the same album. Even when the album was not playing, the crazy-toothed Filipino would sing the same song off that album. Very soon, that girl began to associate that song with that year and that car and those boys. Eventually there were other boys and girls who came and went from that car and they joined in the song too. Now the girl hears the song and thinks of 4 years and a dozen people. That is why to this day, she loves the song very much. The end.
---
So here you have it: i couldn't find the official video...i'm not even sure there is one. You'll have to make do with this fan's slideshow.

new math

Riddle me this, Batman:

Flight from Redding to San Francisco: $351

Flight from Redding to Fresno, with a mandatory stop in San Francisco: $305

Same travel dates, same airline.

Sooo, if i want to save $50 on my trip to San Francisco, i need only buy a trip to Fresno instead and just ditch my connecting flight?

(And that is a picture of Josh from a few years ago, before he grew the beard.)

support magnet addiction therapy

Today i saw a van (down by the river, no less!) that had no fewer than 10 magnetic 'cause' ribbons it. Autism awareness, breast cancer research, POW memorial, MIA memorial, generic patriotism, September 11th....etc. i didn't feel like tailing the woman home just make a complete list.
We've all heard the quote: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." It seems this person interpreted that as "If you don't stand for everything, you'll fall down"...or something. When it comes to charity or 'support' in this context, does the 'quality before quantity' rule apply? Or is it jaded of me to question whether there's a point where people are just committed to commitment, rather than committed to a cause? i'm addicted to Orbit bubblemint, so it's not illogical that someone else can be addicted to the high from having a reputation as a philanthropist.
Then again, there are amazing people out there who give and give and give and truly support what they believe in. Maybe this driver is a breast cancer survivor with an autistic child and POWs and MIAs in her family. Quite possible. On the other hand, what purpose do those magnets serve? They don't say "Ask me how you can help find a cure for Autism!" Sure, the money you pay for the magnet goes toward that purpose, but after that, what does it communicate to other drivers? That you should let them in your lane because you're a giving, supportive person, that's what.The thing about the causes so widely proclaimed from tailgates is that they're the most well-known, 'popular' causes already, so it's not like you're actually raising any awareness about breast cancer by having a pink ribbon on your car. No one sees one of those and goes 'WHAT? Cancer? of the breast???! i never thought it possible!' You don't exactly see very many Calvarial Hyperostosis Awareness ribbons.
Ultimately these magnets just say 'This is a reality and it sucks.' (unless they're the puzzling kind that just say 'CHIHUAHUAS!!!'....actually, chihuahuas ARE an unfortunate reality...) They're meant as some sort of not-so-secret handshake between folks dealing with the same problems, a simple 'me too.' To that end, i can appreciate them, but i maintain there are at least 80 bajillion more classy ways of accomplishing the same purpose.

just your typical january barbeque

Since Winter (the season) is A.W.O.L. this year, it was in the mid-70s today and we barbequed. Please welcome the honorable first chicken apple sausages of 2009. Undoubtedly the first of many, many, many to come. They're not much to look at, but with some grilled peppers and sweet onions and a nice cold brew.....sono magnifici.

Taking Chance

Kevin Bacon is one of those actors who has been around forever but still seems to fly under the radar. He makes great choices (Mystic River) and mystifyingly bad choices (Beauty Shop), so maybe that's why i want him to succeed. Who knows? i also have a soft spot for Brendan Fraser, who only ever makes amazingly terrible movies that not even i will watch. My affections are distributed at random i guess.
Anyway, here's a trailer for Taking Chance. When i watched it i assumed there was another layer intentionally left out of the trailer to garner suspense. i did a little research and it is a true story and very, very simply exactly as it seems: one soldier escorting home the remains of another. The men had never met. Even people who oppose this war and/or who are generally not patriotic can participate in this kind of story. The trailer features one of my favorite Greg Laswell songs too.

next: cracking codes for the CIA

This WAS a fairly large rope twisted in thick strands and knotted on both ends. It is now several piles of colorful dog floss. How she managed to untie and uncoil it (while underwater, blindfolded, with all 4 paws tied to her tail!) (and a bomb strapped to her chest!) (oh and pirahnas in the water!) (pick a card!!!) is a mystery to us, especially since she, you know, EATS GARBAGE and the concepts of 'sit' and 'lay down' are evidently too advanced for her.

*Although she IS super cute 24/7, the trick to getting the extra-adorable expression for pictures is to hold the iPhone camera steady while pretending to bark like a dog. Since i suck at even simple sound effects, this expression is 'i'm worried about that dying alien you seem to have living in your throat, Kallie. Give me a chicken-buddy.'

torture

For some reason, we thought it would be fun to make a list of our Top 15 songs. We set a date to get together with some friends and all share our lists and swap mix cds of our picks. (Sidebar: i find it incredibly redundant to write/type/say "to get together," since the word 'together' begins with the words 'to get.' It's terribly annoying and English is bonkers, but whatever.) Anyway, the sharing of lists was supposed to be revelatory and fun. The making of the lists was supposed to be trying, yet indulgent. In truth, for most of us the making of the list was frustrating and painful and confusing and not at all indulgent (except that we're educated, priveliged white kids with ipods and enough leisure time to sit around making song lists...so maybe indulgent in that sense). It was, in a word, torturous. And self-inflicted, which is an added layer of bothersome. Oh, and they had to be in order of1st Ultimate Topmostest to 15th Topmostest. The sharing was revelatory and fun, so our efforts were rewarded, but sweet baby jesus in the manger, what efforts. i was near tears when the Foo Fighters had to be booted because i couldn't make room for 'Best of You'. It felt like i was telling a very dear friend that they weren't good enough and that i wasn't inviting them to my super awesome birthday slumber party. It was difficult, but i highly recommend having a Top 15 party with your best pals. Just know there will be work involved, but you'll come away a better sense of your friends and a bunch of rad new music. Or a bunch of Radiohead, depending on your friends.
i'll post my top 15 in bits and pieces and if you want Josh's you'll have to beg him for it. Or he can pay me $5/song to post them for him.
My number 15 was Nina Simone's "Feelin Good". This song is a complete package: great lyrics set to balls-out music and a delivered by a worthy singer. It totally captures the feeling of being on top of the world, and if you're feeling on the BOTTOM of the world, with, oh, say a runny nose, phlegm-y chest, sore throat and chapped lips AND a monster crick in your neck...it will still manage to make you feel like you can capture the castle.
This is a really cool music video i found for the song. If the video doesn't work you can go to its page HERE. Turn up your volume, sit back, and hear how Miss Nina does it.

Feeling Good, Nina Simone
by mrfnk

Captain Sniffles McSickypants

It turns out the man-of-a-million-immunities has an Achilles heel: a stealthy and lethal combination of vacation and goofy blond children. Josh is officially sick for the first time in about 3 years, so please extend your sympathies. i'm pretty sure he'd convinced himself he would never get another cold as long as he lived (something about killing and drinking the blood of a virgin unicorn on a Leap Year under a full moon).

Happy New Years Eve Day, pizza pocket. Sorry you're sick and sorry i slammed the pillow over my head this morning when you kept blowing your nose.

arriva derci, due mila otto

This is the time of year when humans go nuts making lists of things done and things to do because a committee somewhere in science and history determined that there needed to be a 'year' and it needed to end and begin in a single second. The rest of the birds, trees, beasties and elements go about their business because the whole calendar thing is pretty darn arbitrary, but we make lists because it helps with closure...which is another odd thing the birds, trees, beasties and elements don't need or understand. Here is the joshandkallie list of what 2008 was:
The Year of the Penny- we adopted our spotty darling and all the accompanying bliss and chaos. We learned of her affection for trash and discovered some mad skills in the area of hallway racing.
The Year of the Pavilion- we came to terms with the architectural actuality of the 'addition' on our house, tore the 'walls' out and created a rad 'pavilion'. (available for weddings and functions and ideal for karaoke parties)
The Year of Gainful Employment- Josh became a Creative Design Manager and i became a Marketing Coordinator. We discovered what 2 full-time salaries feels like... and what 2 full-time schedules feels like. i take comfort in having a smaller salary but a bigger and better office.
The Year of the CityLetter- we took trips to San Francisco to party with the Party family, to Portland to visit all kinds of peeps, to the coast to camp in happiness, and to Bremerton & Seattle to visit old housemate John and old college mates J & Winter. There were also a handful of trips to Oroville and Lodi but i can't seem to finish those letters....
The Year of Triumph Over Critters- we ousted - and more importantly, KEPT OUT - the possums/skunks/raccoons that had taken up residence in our walls.
The Year of Milestones- Josh became an official Nazarene, got his iPhone and new tv, Travis turned 30, Kassie & Frank got married, and i got a NEEEWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!
The Year of Gas Prices, Fires, Primaries, Presidents, & Recessions- we feel like we only had 5 conversations this year, and had them over and over and over and over again.
The Year Our House Turned 50- if you're asking yourself 'wtf?' then you obviously missed the party.
The Year of the New Blog Design- in case you hadn't noticed. Be sure to vote for the next theme. And vote right, dammit. (Don't play dumb, you know what that means.)

Since i stumbled upon and watched The Bridges of Madison County over the weekend (and subsequently cried my eyes out), i shall steal good year-end quote from Clint Eastwood. It's nothing earth-shattering, but i kind of like my earths unshattered every once in a while: "Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort."

Featured logo

So I was contacted by Rudolf Horvath back in early May about featuring my logo on http://www.logorevue.sk/. After eliminating the possibility of this email being a hoax or attempt to add me to someone's spam list, I submitted my logo to Rudolf and low and behold, it was actually featured on their website. Although I was never informed as to why my logo was selected I would like to take the time to thank Rudolf for subtly inflating my ego.

the further dominance of the ponies

Just a note to assure you that the Pretty Pink Ponies closed out the Fantasy Football season in third place with a 6-6-1 record. Who was in fourth place? Oh that would be Josh's team, which i bested by 30 points in the final matchup. Special thanks are due to DeAngelo Williams for his stellar performance against the Giants. Extremely begrudged and not-at-heartfetlt congratulations to Danny for winning first place, and sincere congrats to Jake for always being a worthy opponent.

fortifido

Despite the many reasons to NOT partake in bottled water, Americans sure love it. And despite the current economic.... situation, we are a ridiculously wealthy group of people. You know how i know? i have a dog. No, it's not a non-sequiter, pet-ownership gives you a view into a very unique behavior of human kind, especially 1st world, Western behavior and what kind of markets and spending that creates. Por ejemplo, Penny got some cookies for Christmas. They're dog treats, but they look like cookies. Now, introduce me to a dog who will say 'oh! wonderful! they look just like little Snickerdoodles!' Or, for that matter, think about dog treats shaped and colored to look like T-bones. Unless your dog spends alot of time looking at and eating raw cuts of beef, i don't think even the smartest canine makes the connection when you hold out an inch-sized treat and say 'siiiiiiiiiit.' There's no association for the dog between the human-food representation and the shape and color of the treat. Thus, these products are solely for the human to enjoy giving. A cookie-shaped treat is more fun for you to give because YOU enjoy eating cookies more than you enjoy eating odd, brownish nuggets, so it's like an extra treaty treat for Fido and that makes you a better Alpha. Humans are funny like that. What's less funny and more disturbing is when we create, package, market and SELL this kind of BS:

It's bottled water, FOR YOUR DOG. This is the same dog who barks at his own farts, eats rope for fun, tries to stick her head through a closed doggie door...TWICE, is scared of wrapping paper, and a billion other odd/unintelligent/vile/goony things canines do. REALLY. There are four flavors of this stuff: peanut butter, parsley, lemongrass and spearmint. Penny loves anything peanut butter, most dogs do, but lemongrass? seriously? spearmint? Your dog isn't going to take a few sips and turn and tell you 'wow, that's really refreshing with the mint, thank you Alan. We should try some with fresh raspberries too.' The premise of course is that this water is fortified with nutrients and vitamins your dog needs for a healthy life. To that i say BUY BETTER DOG FOOD. Or, you know, BUY VITAMINS FROM YOUR VET. They're probably alot more effective than the (literally) watered down version that a dog Penny's size would need 2 quarts of every day. (that's 2 bottles of Fortifido. Every. Day. (all bottles sold seperately)) The spearmint flavor also acts as a breath freshener, but i doubt it would take very many tongue baths around the ol' dog-gina to cancel out that benefit.
Cookies and t-bones: weird, but whatever. 1 box lasts several months, you recycle or re-use it when you're done and that's that. 2 plastic bottles of water a day so your dog can get vitamins it should be getting from its food or its doctor? Excessive, and evidence of a society with its priorities on ass backwards.

black Ducks, veggie burrito

Today i met Ashley for lunch at Chipotle. While we were there, a group of black men arrived. i don't know how much you know about Redding, but it's a very ...pale town. These men were all wearing University of Oregon apparel. Those of us in the semi-pacific northwest and who are married to football fans are knowledgeable of the famous U of O Fighting Ducks. Enthused by my knowledge, and that lil old Redding made it on these Ducks' list of 'places to stop and pee and grab a bite to eat', i composed a text message to Josh: "Ducks in Chipotle!" then i realized that the message didn't properly communicate that these were U of O Fighting Ducks, and not waterfowl who'd lost their way. i edited: "There were black Ducks in Chipotle!" He responded in a way that utterly typifies him and his attitude toward my enthusiasms: "Black? i'm meeting John at In N Out." Soooo very 'Josh' of him. 'The Wife is being weird. Respond wittily and move on.'

cake wrecks

Oh, the magic of the interweb. A place where someone can have a blog dedicated to a single oddball subject and people all over the planet will send them material. Such is the premise of "Cake Wrecks: When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong." It just like it sounds: pictures and posts about professionally decorated cakes (usually of the grocery store variety) with such marvels as "Congratulations Keith & (bride) Barron!" or the person who requested a 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' cake for their Wizard of Oz party and got a cake with a rainbow and the word 'somewheres' scrawled on top. This gem is supposed to represent the Texas Longhorns:
...but looks more like a tobacco enthusiast's heart dangling from a rope of poo. There are other cakes with Santas with their hands on backwards, a dinosaur scene with skeletons and the lone inscription 'Greg!', horribly unappetizing monkeys with ill-placed tails, and some terrifying turkeys. Funny stuff- makes me want to take a camera to the grocery store just to see what i can find.

texties

(i'll just give you a minute to be uncomfortable with that word)

In case you're new: when my text inbox gets full i put all the choicest ones on here for you to giggle at and ponder the contexts of the conversation....assuming there was one.

-I'm watching Wheel of Fortune and i think Pat Sayjack might be drunk.

-mom made me vacuum. i told her that u luvd 2 vacuum w/a dyson and that we should let u do it when u arrived. she didn't go for it.

-Have you noticed that the the little icon on Obama's posters kinda looks like a patriotic pokimon ball?

-Yes, i'm particularly interested in how it ended up in Wisconsin...

-I'm going to a Passion Party for my sister in law tonight. If you don't know, it's like a tupperware party for sex toys. I'm going with my in laws.
---How do you pick out an outfit for that?

-I was wondering what name you'd give me this time...I imagined your reply, 'oh blow fish...' or 'silly lizard...' :) thanks pussy willow.

-(p.s. It's true. My good looks have 'gayed' many a man.)

-May need then for shooting before then.

-COACH FRACKING TAYLOR in all his majestic hair-flying glory. i luuuurve him.

-Very. I almost fell asleep and started making out with my chair.

-no one else would appreciate my loose seal costume.

-I love you though. And my mama.

-Corn corn corn maze.

-Just drove by swiftly stillwater - on my way to Good Times Pizza bitches!!!

-Yeah i'm at a restaurant and i don't have a pumpkin...

-we just saw approx 30 geese walking in single file along the side of the highway

-i told tam they were real and so far she believes me.

-Can I steal Josh's klepto costume idea? What did he do to pull it off? (i don't think she had any idea how punny this message was)

-We had our first Mormons on saturday :) he said he had lit. about 'what is truth' so i said 'we attend the naz church, so we're good on that front'
---He mumbled something & started to back away. Poor little acne faced asain mormon boy was at a loss for words

-Amz saw Deathcab and Neil Young last night- well most of Neil, until she got kicked out for throwing a cup at someone.

-Wanna watch Cloverfield at our place?
---It won't be so shakey on a small screen.

-no it wont. it will still be stupid.

-Happy 95 thesis day!!!

-Did you say the f word?

-What is the range of your set of bells?

-We were shopping for a cage for moonshine or something.

-What's hootie's real name? i think he's a country singer now.

-I tried the bar of soap last night. Slept pretty well!

-Thanks Bazooma Bunny.

-I tricked a girl into being my girlfriend.

-Story for you. Today I was rummaging thru a cluttered drawer at work and saw a lone green skittle at the bottom of the drawer. i though, "yum a treat for me". i went to grab it and realized it was the plastic end of a small screw driver. I am sad.

-no. shut up i hate you.

-Ok rad. Drinking with my momma. Wohooooo

-Dude. What's up with your blog?

-That's gonna come back to haunt him.

-3629 Hildale Ave

-Write it down this time please! 3629 Hildale Ave

-So you know who serviced you.

-And josh is a party poop hat

-FYI Lyn is in a muppet Xmas sing along coma right now.

-Tina is bringing a panda film.

-She still has to fly to AZ to sick it up.

-Did Turkey-clause bring you anything good?

-Rhinestone cowboy! WHAT TIME?

-Oh i had a crazy night with stuff once. Or twice.

well hello there childhood, nice to see you again

Today i was in Office Max at lunch time and snagged a soda on my way to the cash register, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a bag of BUGLES. i don't know about you, but i crunched many a Bugle as a kid, and over the course of several summers goofing off at the lake with my siblings and cousins, probably put over a thousand Bugles on my fingertips and waved my hand around like a weirdo, cackling like a witch. i guess i'd thought that Bugles had gone the way of Peter Pan peanut butter and other 80s food gems. i didn't expect to ever do Crazy Hands again and certainly didn't expect to find this high fructose time capsule at my local Office Max. So i bought and scarfed. Then i realized that before i ate every last Bugle (my brain keeps insisting that the singular form of Bugle is Buge, not sure why) i should make some into finger-hats and take a cell-phone picture. Because i'm a grown up like that. i chose a few Buges with the biggest circumference and tried to fit my fingertips into the greasy salt pits, but it wouldn't happen. Time has robbed me. Turns out i no longer have the fingertips of a 6 year old, and the Bugles did not grow with me. (does anything ever grow with us? it seems not) Let us have a moment of silence and remembrance for lost days at the lakeshore, lost silliness and childish metabolism.

creative responses to junk mail

This marvelous list of ideas comes to us from the good people at ProQuo.

"Junk Mail is renowned for cluttering mailboxes, increasing the risk of identity theft, and, of course, killing millions of trees every year. Not surprisingly, it elicits annoyance from most people. But, believe it or not, it also elicits creativity from others."

Here are a few:
CUSTOM PORTRAITS- A self-proclaimed “rabid recycler,” Artizona artist Sandy Schimmel uses unwanted materials, such as junk mail, to create impressionistic portraits. Her portraits focus on individual faces and explore themes such as beauty and fashion. "I believe we are an aggregate of tiny bits: who we are and where we've been - or who we want or pretend to be. The tesserae, the 'tiles,' I create from junk mail represent those bits in color and texture and meaning.”

MULCH- A reader of the finance blog Get Rich Slowly regularly shreds his junk mail and makes mulch out of it. Since mulch is basically composed of tiny bits of trees, he's recycling and his gardening no longer takes the same toll on the environment. Here are some of the guidelines he follows to account for junk mail's ink and varied material:
1. “I only shred the non-glossy stuff, and try to avoid colored ink as much as possible.”
2. “I shred plastic items like credit cards and CDs separately and discard.”
3. “I only use the shreds where food is not grown, just to be safe. You can also use it in the bottom of flower pots inside the house to save potting soil.”

VENETIAN BLINDS- A blogger named Matthew Rasmussen was interested in making practical use out of things people are expected to throw away. He theorized (correctly) that he could attach about three months worth of junk mail to his venetian blinds and significantly lower the amount of light passing through his kitchen window (and still be able to raise and lower the blinds without any difficulty). The process included a whole lot of measuring, bending, taping, and even some beer drinking (not a process requirement, I'm assuming). Full details on the process are available on his blog.

Big ups to Korina for being a rad Public Relations agent for rad companies.

plan b

i would like to introduce you to these bunny noses. You can buy them and other gems at my friend Betsy's Etsy shop (yes, i know, and it does not get old): Plan B. Let's face it- we live in a world where It doesn't exist until It's on a blog somewhere.

Glossed Over

Coming on the heels of my Princess Tirade, it's going to seem that i'm a wooly-armpitted, angry women's studies major. If you know me, you know my armpits are only wooly out of laziness, not politics, and that i love eyeliner and boots with heels that make chiropractors cringe, and that my absolute LEAST favorite reading assignments in my literature major were anything remotely feminist or 'empowering'.

i used to get InStyle and i frequently purchased Vanity Fair and occasionally Vogue. i also used to spend $30 on paper thin t-shirts at J Crew. i also used to crimp my hair so i could look like Vicki Vale. i also used to pick my nose and eat dry dog food. Point: i used to do stupid things. i don't do (most of) those anymore, but you know who's still doing the same stupid stuff they did 20 years ago? Fashion magazines. i realize that these esteemed publications make no bones about selling illusion and discontent, but seeing as how the world is getting wiser and more troubled, the contrast of ideals is ever more glaring. It's not limited to the glossies, either. i looked through an issue of Real Simple that trumpeted a beauty routine that encouraged eye creams in the $400 dollar range (for the bulk discount of 2.5 ounces, naturally.) Seems realistic and simple to me.

A good outlet for rolling your eyes at such shenanigans is Glossed Over. It's one woman's response to the disappointment magazines like InStyle, Glamour, etc cause. What i appreciate about the author is that she loves fashion as an art but doesn't let that cancel out her common sense or her sense of injustice. She points out a single issue of Lucky that crows about an $85 dollar bronzer that will donate 5% of your purchase to endangered tigers, only to tell you how great fur coats look a few pages later. Or this nugget from a recent issue of Glamour:

$1,712: Value of the gift bag from Glamour’s Women of the Year gala. 68.75: Percent of honorees cited at least in part for their work improving the lives of women in poverty or oppressive situations.

Or InStyle's recent suggestion that you take the $200/month you'd spend on gas and spend it on 1 ounce of Wrinkle Serum and then just take public transportation. (oh! i see we're back to real simplicity.)

Anyway, it's refreshing and often funny. And i've pretty much stopped buying fashion magazines since i discovered this site, with the exception of the occasional Vanity Fair, which actually employs investigatory journalists who investigate things more significant than Healthy, Shiny Hair! or How Madonna Works Off the Holidays. i won't say that i've stopped eating dog food, but i HAVE stopped buying overpriced basic at J Crew. Cheers to me.

don't get me started on Barbie

Why do we evoke princesses when we want our daughters to have heroines and ideals? When we want to compare a sense of specialty, we say ‘he treated her like she was a princess.’ What is a princess?
“Non-reigning female member of a royal family.”
“The consort of a prince.”
“A woman member of a royal family other than the monarch, especially a daughter of a monarch.”
A princess is nothing more than importance by association. She is either married to a royal (glorified trophy wife) or the daughter of a royal (heiress). Really? Because when I hear the title ‘heiress’ I think of Paris Hilton and the likes of her ilk. And trophy wife? At the end of the day do you REALLY want your daughter to aspire to be like Melania Trump? Princesses have no value outside their statuses, which are not earned. They are born or married into privilege and did not work or demonstrate any talent to achieve that privilege. Phooey. Furthermore, idealization of princesses promotes inter-female hostility and general bitchery. Observe:

SNOW WHITE
Valued for her hair color, skin tone, royal parentage, soprano vibrato.
Your daughter learns: to be pretty, inherit something, and to win American Idol

Stepmother/Queen is jealous of SW’s hair so she makes plan to assassinate her.
Your daughter learns: that ugly girls are mean and jealous and will kill her for her beauty

SW escapes and lives in community with working class social pariahs: the 7 dwarves. They all get along famously and she contributes to the household.
Your daughter learns: to run away from her problems, move in with strange men and sleep in their beds

(not sure why the story can't end here since our heroine is safe, happy and still pretty, but i digress) The Dwarves warn her not to talk to strangers, something every 7 year old can grasp, but she totally flunks and not only talks to strangers, but eats whatever they put in her hand.
Your daughter learns: to accept that Pretty and Stupid go hand in hand, best not to fight it.

SW goes comatose and the equally-dim dwarves deem her dead and put her in a glass coffin. I guess they’re betting on her prettiness decomposing prettily.
Your daughter learns: pretty, even in death. Pretty is highest priority. Always be pretty and people will worship you. Pretty.

A prince happens upon this twisted scene, and goes all necro and insists on kissing the dead girl. It must have been some funky kiss because it functions as the heimlech maneuver and the poisoned fruit/choking hazard is dislodged. SW gets to marry this sexual deviant and go back to a castle and be a princess/queen for the rest of her life.
Your daughter learns: to accept marriage proposals from any handsome pervert with a good bank account, to abandon all skills learned in hard work, pursue lifestyle of leisure and beauty-worship.

THE LITTLE MERMAID (alias Ariel)
Valued for her appearance, miraculous seashell bra, singing voice
Your daughter learns: be pretty, have breasts that defy gravity, win American Idol

Ariel has a secret cave full of trinkets from the non-ocean world
Your daughter learns: to be a kleptomaniac archaeologist, but keep it secret lest anyone find out you have any hobby or interest besides singing and being a princess

Ariel spies on a ship, rescues the handsome prince from drowning, falls in love and sings about it.
Your daughter learns: hot guys are dumb and can’t swim, and we, the women, must swim for them.

Her father, King Triton, finds her secret treasure trove and smashes it all to pieces.
Your daughter learns: parents are the enemy and won’t understand your hobby or secret desire. Best to disobey them posthaste!

She has a meeting with the sea witch, a robust woman, who trades Ariel’s voice for a pair of legs and oxygen-breathing lungs.
Your daughter learns: fat girls are evil and always jealously seeking to destroy you, but dealing with evil is necessary to trade what God gave you for what you think you might want based on a cute boy you've never actually spoken to who may not even be single or interested in you.

She meets up with the prince and his dog, grins dopily the whole time because she can’t talk. They have an incredibly awkward date that she resolves by kissing him.
Your daughter learns: when the conversational chemistry isn’t there, just put out and the date will go much better. Also, giving up your voice, literally and figuratively, for the rest of your life is worth it if you have a guy who will worship you for your beauty and your dopey-girl charm.

The evil witch double-crosses her and uses her singing voice to steal her prince's affections.
Your daughter learns: jealous bitches will stop at nothing, and your boyfriend is a fickle, fickle beast who will instantly leave you for someone who can sing better.

Ariel and her pals crash the wedding, the evil witch and King Triton have a battle royale, and Ariel somehow ends up with legs, lungs AND voice. Thus, since she is the complete physical package, the prince likes her again and they marry and Ariel can never return to her family or her species.
Your daughter learns: completely change yourself to suit your man and all will be well.

SLEEPING BEAUTY, alias Aurora
Valued for her beauty, parentage, singing voice.
Your daughter learns: again, nothing worthwhile

At her christening, a jealous witch curses her so that she’ll prick her finger on a needle when she turns 16 and diiiiiiie. A kind fairy edits the curse from ‘diiiiiiie’ to ‘sleeeeeeeep’.
Your daughter learns: again, ugly girls are jealous, mean and violent. And they harness evil powers.

The king orders every needle in the kingdom destroyed and sends Aurora to live in the woods with the 3 benevolent old-lady fairies.
Your daughter learns: hide from danger, run from problems. Little old ladies are not rivals, but every other female is. (At least this one has female friends. All other princess-worthy sidekicks are either male or bizarrely androgynous.(see: Flounder))

16 years later, the princess and Prince Phillip meet in the woods and fall in love after duetting. The evil witch kidnaps Phillip and tricks Aurora into pricking her finger on an evil needle, sending her into an immediate coma.
Your daughter learns: to not use dirty needles, which is a good lesson. Although I can’t see how my cat can manage to remove every stick pin from my pin cushion and roll around in them without injuring himself, but this dummy walks right up to a needle and sticks her hand on it.

The good fairies rescue Phillip, who battles the witch and her evil forestation, and then he kisses Aurora and revives her from her coma. They marry and everyone lives happily ever after.
Your daughter learns: to just take a nap while everyone else does all the work because, after all, she looks so darn pretty when she sleeps and pretty trumps everything else. Also, marrying a relative stranger at 16 is perfectly acceptable if you are both adequately attractive and have royal titles you did nothing to earn.

Princess Jasmine (from Aladdin)
Valued for her midriff, giant eyeballs, and impressive rack. Also her royal family.
Your daughter learns: scantily clad women can be considered ‘exotic’ and it’s ok. Also, Bengal tigers make acceptable pets.

Meets a cute street rat, who then fakes his identity and pretends to be a rich prince come to woo her. She, of course, can only marry a prince.
Your daughter learns: to be blinded by wealth, pomp and circumstance.

They go on a magic carpet ride, he promises to show her a whole new world, which is made possible by a magic lamp that he stole from a tomb.
Your daughter learns: to consort with and drink up the promises of charming graverobbers, who are obviously lying.

Her father’s evil adviser, Jafar, evilly evils in order to get Jasmine to marry him and secure his evil plans.
Your daughter learns: that people with Middle Eastern accents are evil or inconsequential, since the only people in this movie with accents are evil or are extras.

Jasmine is trapped in an hour glass and Aladdin must battle Jafar. I can’t remember exactly but good triumphs and the cuties can marry even though Aladdin lied about everything, abandoned his friends and isn’t even a law-abiding citizen.
Your daughter learns: marry any deadbeat who looks good in hammer pants and a vest.

There are modern day princesses who I’m sure do significant philanthropic work between equestrian shows and parties, but they’re only included the stream of culture when tragedy or scandal touches them, so our daughters and nieces only ever know of the pretty-and-empty princess or the cocaine-and-sex-tape princess. One might say both are equally dangerous role models. I understand the reasoning behind princess-theory: we want our daughters to have self-worth and high standards and to expect excellent treatment from the men they date/love. I agree with those needs. But I don’t think that princess-worship is the best or the only way to instill that. It imposes limits on what she imagines a girl can grow up to be. Show me a 6 year old girl who dreams of becoming a deadly assassin and I’ll applaud that weird, bloodlusty little thing for believing she can break into the boys club. I want to meet a little girl and ask ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ and have her say ‘um a librarian or a commodities trader or a dolphin.’

i do want to extend a 'well done' to Pixar and its peers for the kid-flicks of the past few years: Madagascar, Wall-E, The Incredibles, Kung Fu Panda, etc., none of which include princesses or dopey damsels in distress and are about friendship and hard work and recycling instead of evil crones and dating.

belated

The last several days have been insane at work, which, let's face it, is where i do most of my blogging, so here's some catching up.
<- Matt and Bren had a baby! Congrats to them for another beautiful, genius, little girl. Welcome to the world, Addison- watch out for that sister of yours, she's crazy like a fox.

Josselyn and Deven are having another child too! Their little pumpkin is due in April.

Scott and Katie are having their first baby!

Penny is violently enjoying her chew toy and the Steelers are beating the Bengals! (just wanted to break up the baby talk)

watch. laugh. repeat.

ahh, satire

Secret abortions must be secured
By Russ Neal, published in the Paradise Post

I am going to start collecting signatures for a ballot initiative for our next election. It'll be a constitutional amendment so that no group of justices with common sense can overturn it. I'll call it "The Child Secrecy Initiative."

Or maybe "The Parental Ignorance Act." Oh, well, I'll figure out the name later. Here's the deal. I've noticed in the past several elections that there has been some sort of parental notification proposition on the ballot. Each time it has gone down to defeat.

But we can't be too complacent.

Maybe some day parents will wake up and realize the government and Planned Parenthood are taking their children away to perform secret abortions on them. We must be sure this secrecy is maintained and parents never know what is happening to their offspring.

So, I propose we start circulating a petition to create an irrevocable constitutional amendment that will forever keep parents in the dark concerning the health and welfare of their children. Currently we have laws that forbid giving children aspirin at school without the parents' permission. Soon these parents will want to know about the secret abortions being performed on their minor children and then where we will be as a society?

Some parents are actually cruel and mean to their children. As a result, we must be certain to keep medical information regarding abortions away from all parents. Forget that most parents love and cherish their children. That's irrelevant. Forget that some children, who have already had these clandestine procedures, have come home with serious medical and psychological problems about which the parents know nothing. That's a small price to pay in order to keep from informing parents that their offspring are going under the knife.

Forget the fact that some children have actually died as a result. What's a few deaths weighed against the benefits of maintaining our secrecy and keeping parents in the dark?

Although I have not worked out the final wording here are the salient points of the initiative: Background: Up to this point in time, parents have generally had control over the medical care given to their children. For some reason, this control has not been extended to the various and sundry ways in which the pregnancy of a minor can be terminated.

To ensure - for all time - that parents will be kept out of this decision to terminate a pregnancy, this amendment to the Constitution of the State of California permanently establishes, without recourse to its opponents, the right of the state to perform as many abortions on the minor children of this state as it deems necessary or desirable.

Furthermore, it is expressly forbidden for any abortion provider, school official, or employee of these organizations to make any attempt to notify the parents of the minor child in question. Secrecy concerning this procedure must be maintained. Should any complications arise regarding the minor child undergoing said abortion procedure, the child will be returned to the parents, but no information shall be given to them regarding the procedure or the complications arising therein.

Parents will be held solely responsible for all medical costs that may arise from said complications, and all abortion providers shall be held blameless regardless of circumstances, including failure to inform, negligence and/or incompetence.

My proposition ensures this veil of secrecy regarding medical procedures performed on the children will forever be enshrined in our state constitution. Then, if and when the voting parents ever wake up, we will be certain this practice can and will continue in the shadows - forever.

If any of you have any additional suggestions to keep parents out of their children's medical involvement and history, please send them to Planned Parenthood so that they may be incorporated into the amendment. Both Planned Parenthood and the government know better than any of you parents what's good for your children. So please be sure to write in and request a petition so that you can start gathering signatures. This veil of darkness must be maintained.

PS: This is important so that the 47 percent of Butte County voters who actually voted for parental notification during the last election could be educated in the timeless adage: "Ignorance is bliss."

Bloggedry

Bit different, yeah? My designer (and bedfellow) has contracted a minor multiple personality situation and this one is the result of much late night Zelda, a bit of Halloween, and, if you ask me, a lack of excitement in his desk monkey life. Stay tuned for the personality that loves unicorns and blankets, that one’s my favorite.

The comments work now, so no excuses for not participating in the more participatory participation posts. I would appreciate it if you would let me know who’s actually reading this bananasandwich of a site, because I honestly have no idea if it’s mostly relatives, friends, strangers or aliens studying my species. Due to the long silence, I’d pretty much convinced myself that i had one lone reader, and that her name was Mom, so if you don’t post a comment all my fears will be confirmed and I’ll eat my sadness and get diabetes. Don’t be that guy. Please. I’m craving a kettlechip caramel moosetracks milkshake just thinking about that possibility.

It’s easy. You click on the link that says # comments and put your name in the box where it says leave your comment. Then you fill in the goofy code that blocks smappers (ha! dyslexic typing) and choose an identity. If you don’t have a Google or Blogger account, you just select Name/URL and enter your name, and URL if you have a site you want to share. Or you can be anonymous, but that kind of defeats the purpose of this particular assignment. If you’d like to stay anonymous but want to be counted, pretend to be someone awesome, ie ‘Hey Kalpal, love this site and you’re a GENIUS. Sincerely, Ray Bradbury’ and then I’ll get super excited that Ray Bradbury likes my lamey blog posts. (no I really am that self-delusioning) (and I make up words)

So to help you figure out how to comment, I ask you:

Do you think the new blog layout is…
a. Just the right amount of Zelda
b. Lacking in filigree
c. A Muslim Socialist
d. Actiontastic

How To Mess With Your Own Head

Read TWO novels about dystopian societies with out-of-control governments (Fahrenheit 451 and Brave New World) right before election day.