oh yeah

We bought a car on Sunday. Not from the racist salesperson, but from the army of his 'minority' employees. It's fantastic: 'magnetic grey' 09 Toyota Matrix. Here's a pro pic because we're apparently deathly allergic to taking pictures of our own lives. We're going to sell The Little PickUp That Could... For A While... But Isn't Really Anymore. i drive the Matrix and Josh drives the Explorer. We've named the Matrix 'Rex' or 'Rick' depending on which of us you ask. We are now taking suggestions on what the License Plate should say. Aaaand i have no idea why i capitalized that. Here are some of the options are, let us know what your vote is and when you're coming to take a spin with us:

IKNW KFU

KALPALS

LOST HUH

GOREXGO
ZOOMY K

David + Tape, or "How I Spent My Spring Break At Grad School."

It's no secret that Josh and i managed to trick some really gifted people into being our friends. Check out David's experiment in urban space and its barriers: TAPE IN SPACE.

"An experiment in breaking the definitions of “wall” and engaging passer-byes who become participants simply by social instinct, I attempt to test the thresholds of our unconscious instincts towards barriers and create flows of pedestrian traffic in an urban environment with a minimal tool: duct tape."

i tried to embed the video but i am not gifted so you'll have to jump over to his site. It's nifty and has fun background music and, if you're like me (but maybe you're gifted) it plays with your perception of New Yorkers.

Heyyyy, it works after all!!

Happy first day of summer, internet! Our humble li'l sundial has been training all year for its big day, so ditch your wristwatch, head down to the river, and observe the fabulous primitive time-telling in all its bridge-y glory.

ahhh, stereotypes

Over the weekend, we went to an automall and test drove a Toyota Matrix. The salesman who assisted us was very nice, patient, not pushy, soft spoken...all the things you WISH car salesmen were. His name was Al and he was from Pakistan.

When Al realized that we were not inclined to drive away that afternoon in a brand new car, he had his Sales Manager come talk to us. i don't remember Sales Manager Man's name, but let's call him JimmyBob, and he was obviously from the USA. JimmyBob was unctuous, impatient, and pushy. All the things car salesman ARE, and you wish WEREN'T.

While Al left to shoot the breeze, we sat in the little cubicle with JimmyBob discussing our vehicle situation. Since it was a day that ended in Y, the subject of fuel prices came up. JimmyBob expressed his frustration, relating a story in which he went to buy gas and it was $4.60 and the gas station attendant said at least it wasn't $4.75, like the station across the street. Harmless, pointless story right? Could've been replaced with the statement 'i dislike the current cost of fuel.' Except that if JimmyBob had just said that, he wouldn't have had the chance to 'quote' the gas station attendant using an awful middle eastern accent. (Yes. He did.) He, who only had us in there in the first place because his Pakistani sales associate was good at his job, used us and our whiteness to attempt camaraderie and make himself seem savvy and funny by being mildly discriminatory toward people of middle eastern ethnicity.

It was kind of nauseating.

We didn't buy the car, obviously. The plan is, if we decide we want it, to go back and deal only with Al, not with JimmyBob.

subliminal messages

Dearest Josh,

i think it would be a really good idea to re-do our Web site and doing so would make a smashing anniversary gift to me, since i'm the only one who ever posts. No seriously, i can't even remember the last time you posted in 3.5 years, which is fine, but it's looking a little 04' around here, you know? 2004 was a loooooong time ago. Back when John Kerry was going to be president and 'Return of the King' was named 'Like, bestest movie EVER!' by the Academy, Lance Armstrong rode away with Tour #6, Martha Stewart went to prison, the Red Sox were all "curse, schmurse!", Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, and Rick James all passed away, the Pacers and the Pistons got in a biiiig hair-pulling and eyeball-scratching fight, John Kerry was not the next president after all, the tsunami swallowed southeast Asia, and a tv show about a crashed airplane and a creepy island debuted with a cast of nobodies and i said to you "How much material can they really have to sustain that show? 'Stranded on a desert island' only lasts for so long" and you said to me "Ever heard of 'Gilligan's Island'?" and i said "No. My parents didn't get cable until i moved out, which obviously doesn't embitter me to this day." Remember? (internet, we totally had that EXACT conversation whilst a promo for Lost played in the background)
And while i appreciate that we obviously have a color preference, since the color of our blog is the same as our wedding party apparel was and is the same as our living room walls are and is the same color family as our two pets, i'm ready for something else for ol' webby. Maybe a grey-ish purple? Since i'm the only one who posts and since you rarely seem to actually READ this blog-with-your-name-on-it, i'm hoping maybe the re-design will come in time for my birthday or Christmas. i wouldn't wait too long if i were you, you know that i know how to use templates and i know how much vitriol you feel towards templates.

i'm just sayin.

Sincerely,

your wife ....and wikipedia.

The Purse

Now is as good a time as any (isn't that a strange phrase? American is a weird language) to tackle a long-overdue blog entry called 'GOOD LORD WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PURSE?' This hopes to be just as amusing/ appalling as my text message lists.

1 bottle of Aleve Liquigels (not the small travel kind either, the biggie with 80 dolls inside)
A still-wrapped drinking straw
Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion
7 Claritin
Orange bouncy ball
Green post-it reading: Simplicity 2968, 2995 Vogue 8411/8181 8468
Quarter sheet of paper masquerading as a to-do list (4/8 things left to do, in case you're wondering)
Little paper holder formerly containing Jack in the Box french fires
Hairbrush
3 spoons (not plastic spoons, the nice ones we registered for at Macy's. 1 of which is the giant serving spoon kind)
2 cd mixes; 1 called 'Christmas Mix 07, Office Version' and 1 called 'Regina Spektor & friends'
Sticker name tag from Best Companies to Work for In Shasta County breakfast
6 maximum strength Midol
2 gum wrappers
Ear buds
Tube of Neosporin
Video iPod
Scrap of paper reading: "Like Water for Chocolate, Lady in the Water, & The Ultimate Gift"
3 Aleve liquigels that managed to escape the bottle
2 lip gloss tubes
Dutch Bros punch card with 2 stamps
2 pay stubs
Antique ring-mirror
1 Comtrex Cold & Cough, expiration 10/2007
3 Reese's mini peanut butter cup wrappers
Half-full bag of Halls cough suppresants, belonging to Josselyn
Small spiral-bound Van Gogh calendar i bought to keep track of what i did that day. Last entry: April 6th.
Pack of Orbit bubblemint gum
Lipstick: Mary Kay's 'rose petal'
Blue wallet
Red cell phone
Purple toothbrush
Credit card, driver's license (no, of course they're not kept safely in the wallet!)
6 MORE maximum strength Midol in the other pocket
Small red travel case containing the following:
--Tide To-Go stain remover
--hand sanitizer
--lipstick: Almay's 'bronze 205'
--mirror
--toothpaste
--Carmex tube
--Blistex tube
--4 Band-Aids
--Chanel "Chance"perfume sample
--hair clip
--Burts Bees blemish stick
And finally, receipts (all from the first two weeks of April, oddly) for:
-Target, for returning a pleated skirt
-Carl's Jr
-Safeway: for Rolos, a mini pizza, a Dr. Pepper and 2 Healthy Choice Cafe' Steamers
-Target, for Heather Sanders' shower gifts, and some gum
-Target again, for clothes
-Chipotle
-Safeway: mascara, eyeliner, and cat food
-Walgreens

Well there you have it. You thought Boy Scouts were prepared! i could remove your appendix or treat your malaria using only items found in my purse! Let it be known that a previous purse, now retired, once enclosed all its usual contents, plus 2 In-n-Out burgers, two orders of fries, and 2 regular sized soft drinks (standing upright) and bore it all into the movie theater without a single spilled drop of pop or smashed fry. i'd like to see you do that with your wallet, sir.

The Mighty B

(sorry Bonnie, this post is not about you)

In my ever-increasing effort to become The Most Balanced, Well Rounded Person You Will Ever Meet, i've added a Nickelodeon show to my regular DVR recordings. (current subscriptions: Ebert & Roeper, Reno 911, Martha Stewart and various scripted offerings that are on summer hiatus) This cartoon gem is just about the best thing to happen to the color yellow since butterscotch candies. Go thee to your tv guide and find the next episode of THE MIGHTY B.

'The Mighty B' is the name of the imaginary superhero alter ego belonging to the one and only Bessie Higgenbottom, a 10yr old Honeybee Scout with giant glasses, a gnarly lateral lisp and a feverish drive to earn every available merit badge (there are something like 4,000). She also has the energy of a liter bottle of concentrated Red Bull. The best, best, best part about Bessie is that she was created and is voiced by The Funniest Blond Woman Ever To Walk Planet Earth: SNL's Amy Poehler. (i had to specify blond because you can't make me choose between her and Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig. i won't do it. Until i decide that would make a good blog. Then i will.)

Por ejemplo: in one episode, Bessie and her Honeybee pal Penny get addicted to crashing Bat Mitzvahs. Imagine the social profiling jokes that escape the younger viewers, it's pretty hilarious. Key quote: "Ok Penny, remember: if anyone asks, we are her cousins from Tel Aviv."

In another episode, Bessie becomes an investigatory journalist to scoop out the secret of her fellow Honeybee, Portia. If you didn't think it was possible for a children's cartoon to spoof the Oscar-winning Watergate film, 'All the President's Men', you were wrong.

Bessie also beat-boxes her way onto a roller coaster, teaches her dog to ballroom dance, and decides she has ESP. If you've ever seen the SNL sketches where Poehler plays the little kid 'Caitlin' ("Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!") you'll have a good idea of the mania that identifies Bessie. Plus, the animation is 'Ren & Stimpy'-esque, so it's pretty nutty.

My explanation doesn't do it justice because there are a thousand subtle jokes in every episode and i can't capture the pages-long diatribes that Bessie delivers at hyper-speed. Asians, dog shows, stage-moms, carnies, you name it: this show lovingly digs at it. Oh, and it's set in San Francisco! NorCal pride!

Go watch it. Now. Or come to my house because i have them all saved on the DVR.

priorities

A peep into an evening with your favorite Markles.

Kallie is on the couch surfing the interweb and watching a special on BBC America called 'Transvestite Wives' and thinking 'why oh why oh why don't the Brits go to the orthodontist? i mean good grief!' Penny is asleep at her feet, Cosmo is having a tryst with the couch pillow next to her. Behind her is the mess of easel, dropcloth, and tubes of paint scattered around two paintings rushed into creation to replace the beloved ones given away. Josh is buzzing around like his busy-bee self paying bills and preparing to sell his Treo and digital camera on e-bay, occasionally stopping to pick at the big ugly scab on his knee from a soccer game the week before.

Eventually they meet in the office (where the clean laundry has taken up residence) to go over the June obligations: 6 birthdays, 2 weddings, 8 soccer games, 2 trips to Sacto, 1 book club mtg, 1 mid-week church meeting, 1 bridal shower, 1 anniversary, and 1 major movie premiere.

well now i'm just confused.

i received two text messages last night from two friends who live in different cities, have never met, but both have relatively good taste when it comes to the arts.

First: "Everyone has to go see Indiana Jones right now because it's freaking amazing!!!"

Then: "indiana jones was BAD. it pains me more than you know to have to say that."

Sooooo, now what? The SciFi channel was showing Indy marathons last week and i was reminded of just how infectious that darn theme music is. Other observations included "Oh my stars i forgot how awful 'Temple of Doom' truly was." and "Oh my stars i forgot how truly fun 'Last Crusade' was."

Oh Indy. How you toy with my heart.

my movie meme

from Charlie. (a meme consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.)

1. One movie that made you laugh
     The 40 Year Old Virgin
2. One movie that made you cry
     Mystic River
3. One movie you loved when you were a child
     The Three Amigos
4. One movie you’ve seen more than once
     The Red Violin
5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it
     She's The Man
6. One movie you hated
     21
7. One movie that scared you
<-- The Shining 

8. One movie that bored you 

     Good Night & Good Luck 

9. One movie that made you happy 

     Tea With Mussolini 

10. One movie that made you miserable
     Atonement
11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see
     Farhenheit 9/11
12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with
     Tony Stark
13. The last movie you saw
     Iron Man 
14. The next movie you hope to see
     The Dark Knight
15. Your favorite movie
     Big Night-->

The Pen

Here are more picturess of our 4-legged crack-up. Her latest amusement: over a week ago we changed the sheets on our bed, and since the hamper was already overflowing, we naturally left the dirty sheets in a pile on the floor. They're still there because she loves to roll around in them, snorting and flopping and generally looking insane.

As usual, these visual feasts come courtesy of Jesse and Lyn, without whom our lives would be completely undocumented.

It's all connected, like a web. ...Oh, i get it now!

This isn't news, but the internet is a magical place, folks. Your particular foible can find it's international audience, people you'll never meet can know all about your eating habits, and you can sell a piece of toast with the blessed virgin's face on it.
In an effort to increase the interconnectedness of everything and bring balance to the universe while i belly dance with crystals and wear hemp, here is a list of people we're pleased to know and sites to which we are pleased to go. (in alphanumberic order) (now raise your hands if you thought, 'kallie really thinks it's pronounced/spelled 'numberic'!??) (everyone with their hand up sucks) Whatever. Let me know if i missed anything or if there's a site i must know about.

Betsy Lance
blog:: good for: intelligent musings, booklists
for reals site:: good for: pretty pictures and good design
-
Charlie Pardue "Thinking out loud about life, ministry, theology, film and discipleship."
good for: debating the worth of Spiderman, thought provoking questions, reviews of the latest theology books
-
Chris & Cassie "Safety never takes a vacation"
good for: facts about professional bicycling, fun journeys 'round the globe, east coast musings
-
Colbert Nation
good for: all things Stephen Colbert, who is the funniest person on the planet.
-
Daily Chuck
good for: cool pictures of cool dogs belonging to a total stranger (that friends, is the power of the web.)
-
David Overholt
Good for: examining the oddities of life, nifty pictures, artytechy stuff, trying to remember what it is David's studying and what ITP stands for
-
Design*Sponge
Good for: creative inspiration, ideas, lusting for things i can't afford
-
Derren Raser
good for: great music
-
Ebert & Roeper
good for: movie reviews, from the latest release to balcony archives going back 20 years
-
FOUNDmagazine
good for: amusing, odd notes, grocery lists and photos people find lying around and send in. Includes a new Find every day.
-
FreeRice
good for: increasing your vocabulary while donating rice to the UN World Food Program to help end world hunger.
-
GoFugYourself "fugly is the new pretty"
good for: very funny commentary on the latest atrocity worn by the latest celebrity
-
Jason & Winter "We sure are cute for two ugly people."
good for: cool tunes, hilarity, links to fantastic sites
-
JenkinsRUs
good for: updates on Rachel, Jason and Taylor and pics of the bluest baby eyes you'll ever see
-
Lyn & Jesse
blog::good for: fantabulous videos and pictures (many of which feature yours trulies)
for reals site:: good for: bitchin' videos of the advertising persuasion and other misc. purpose
-
Matt & Bren
good for: updates and pictures of Little Miss Awesome
-
Mipa Lee
good for: creative inspiration, great design and illustration (Mipa is a friend of Betsy's)
-
Petfinder
good for: um, finding pets, also finding local recue organizations, articles on pet care, and more
-
Postsecret
good for: fascinating and sometimes heartbreaking secrets on postcards that people mail to a random guy in Maryland, posted every Sunday.
-
Television Without Pity "spare the snark, spoil the networks"
good for: witty recaps of your favorite shows
-
What Claudia Wore "A look into the closet of Stoneybrook's most fashion-forward babysitter"
good for: clever rehashings of those Babysitters Club books you loved so much in junior high, specifically, the fashion creations of your favorite character, Claudia Kishi.
-
YouTube "Broadcast yourself"
good for: ....if you don't know what YouTube is good for then go there and do a search "water slide doberman", "dramatic chipmunk", "backflip jeans" or "korean baby hey jude" for examples of its majesty

look who's all growed up

Let it be known that on this eighth day of the month of May, year of our Lord two thousand and eight, Travis Roy Baker; alias Oatmeal; alias Ed Fiscal; alias Cynical NonBeliever; rocker of the Macgyver mullet, head gear, and transition-lense glasses with spandex head strap; player of Micro Machines and kazoos; dyer of hair; performer of plays and impressive magical feats; writer; repeated dater of younger sister's friends; wearer of tiny cowboy hat and matching boots; once-rumored Buddhist; editorializer; cafeteria worker; reader of Clavin & Hobbes and Vonnegut and many Piers Anthony paperbacks; firstborn and last boy; master and owner of Newt (r.i.p.); eventual graduate; worshipper of Star Wars; beer can Christmas tree decorater; executioner of teddy bears and Barbies; concealer of tattoos; attempted enabler of sister-drunkenness; pourer of orange juice; scholar; breaker of motor vehicle laws; giver of logs as Christmas gifts to naïve siblings; subsequent teacher to siblings to not be so naïve next time; anonymous critic of Jim De Saegher; former Giant Eyeball; associate producer of epic junior high cinema; road tripper; broker of suspicious trades; son of Big Time and Sherrilyn; brother of Kallie and Bonnie; brother in law of Josh and Andy; special friend to Amber; has marked thirty consecutive years of life and is entitled to all accompanying honor and derision.

just a Friday reminder::

You will never be younger than you are today.

DUDE.

(we've all done it- distractedly left something important sitting idly while we rush on unawares, but seriously! Really Philippe? REALLY??)

Musician reunited with $4M violin he left in N.J. cab
Grammy-nominated violinist has been reunited with a $4 million violin he left in the back of a cab.

Philippe Quint exited a minivan cab at New York City's Battery Park early Monday, leaving the 1723 Antonio Stradivari "Ex-Keisewetter" inside.
The violin spent the remainder of the night on the seat of the cab, which owner Mohamed Khalil parked on a Newark street. By the morning, he was still unaware of what he was carrying.
By then, the frantic Quint was calling the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, and Newark's Taxi Commission, which put the word out that the violin was missing.
On Monday afternoon, Khalil checked his taxi while at Newark Liberty International Airport and discovered the violin case with the instrument inside.
Quint soon arrived, dropped to his knees and shed tears of joy.

texts. the saga continues.

-Maybe so. Wiry hair?

-Kgpdmwwtajg.tkag.adtjamwtjt

-i just heard an avril song on the radio, i always think about how told me that jason loves her. It makes me smile.

-what's the book We're reading for club this month? i just remember some long author's name that no one could pronounce but you.

-(i promise i won't be a psycho neighbor and stalk her)

-Full on drum set or something like tymphani? (haha! someone thinks i know what a thimpyni-thingy is.)

-i'm watching two squirrels attacking each other at the park. small cute furry animals are VICIOUS!!

--i hope they don't realize i have kettle chips. i bet they wouldn't heitate ripping my throat apart for some tuscan three cheese.

---oh no ive lost sight of one of the squirrellys. am i being distracted? they don't hunt like raptors do they?

----oh wait. i spotted him. he is chewing on a sprinkler pipe. chewing like a raptor that is.

-----they went up a tree. im sensing an aerial strike.

-i'm literally teething, kallie. and oragel tastes nasty.

-this is all most definitely going in our screenplay.

-Well PTL!

-Mischief of the most brilliant kind.

-Iphone says thankyou

-May i come borrow mr drill motor?

-can lyn borrow you ironing board?

-I wish you would guppy up and get your pooch on so i could take her for walks!

-That will be enough of YOUR lippy!

-And That's serious because the Academy will take your film equipment away for that shit.

-whitneys still alive? its a miracle!

-Google says To Much To Handle.

-my hands smell like baby.

-its all secret files! dont show anyone!!

-"i've been using pretty much 1 new word a week, but i forget them." -just overheard from NYU undergrad girl

-I hear desmond and faraday have a passionate gay sex scene tonight. Faraday asks desmond to be his constant and bam...They are at it like 2 cowboys in the montanna mountains after a long day of hearding sheep

-I can do that, i'll whisper her to the best of my abilities!

-Doggy?

-there was a shrink on the island??? where has she been this whole time?! so much could have been avoided!

-tim riggins' dad! and also, juliet's boobs!

-No so much smarty now huh

-Go go gadget paws

-this apple tastes like green onions.

-Steak me

-She's not a dude! She's kinda cute... So we'll see what happens.

-i get annoyed being around really "nice" people. they are corny and not witty, and therefore boring.

-We doing naps and then maybe cookies later

-have fun with that bleh

-i want a job where i just ride a lawnmower at the park all day.

-you know what they should make? deodorant that smells like freshly cut grass.

-what color eyeshadow do you wear to meet tami taylor?!?!

-You should run over and see the cutest mt puppy... Tylers parents

-a waterbra. HA! i kid! something homemade and awesome, natch.

-i have NINE lip balms/glosses in mt purse right now. NINE. no one needs that much lip gloss. not even angelina jolie. and she's got more real estate to cover than anyone!

-happy easter! the chocolate-filled easter bunny is risen!

-a last just came into this 99cent Chinese food restaurant yelling that french fries gave her diharrea all night...What did she expect?!?

-Cupcake week on martha!

-i said REJOICE WITH ME!!!!

-the tudors is so boring this season! its all "separation from rome" and no sex!! 

-Did you mean Jer Shuggiebear Skatemaster?

-Bahaha! A neat face!

-agreed! can marc come too? we need a gay best friend too dont we? to tell us what not to wear etc....

-god i HATE meredith grey.

-Yeah!! Ass kicker!

-i declare today pat benetar day. 

do it

Make a list of your top 50 songs. Out of that, make a list of the top 15. Out of that, rank the top 10 in order of topmostest to less topmostest.

Don't get hung up on criteria like whether it represents the best music has to offer or 'does this cover version count?' or 'classical music included?' or 'excluding religious songs?' or 'can i have 49 Radiohead songs and one Britney Spears song?' or anything like that. Just name your top 50 songs. Simple as that. You can have varying reasons for why a song is on your list, it's totally personal. You don't have to defend any of your choices, so go ahead, put Clay Aiken on there!

Don't do it overnight. A list like this takes rumination. Start with your favorite artists, albums, maybe your favorite movie and work from there. This is not your version of 'the 50 greatest songs ever made' nor is it your life's soundtrack, though elements of both will most likely be present. It is purely the 50 songs you like the most. If you don't have 50, make a list of 30. Rank your top 10 though...you must. Why? because. Those are the rules.

Check back in a few days. i'll have my list and you must share yours. Those are the rules.

You're peanut butter and jealous.

This is Ruby, to whom belongs our friends Josselyn and Deven, and she lives just over the river from us so we get to see her frequently. In addition to being heartbreakingly cute, she is, like so many parents THINK their children are (but who really aren't), a genius and a comedian and a visionary. No really, it's true. i want to become (no, not HAVE, become) a baby just so i can make her my babybff and we can be awesome babies together and take the world by storm. First step, overthrow the Pampers corporation, one box at a time.

funny pets

Just to be that annoying couple who think their mongrols are God's gift to the planet: our two pets are pretty funny. Penny is currently curled up on a pile of clean laundry, and every time the baby cries on the movie we're watching (yes, the pile of laundry is in the living room) she sits up and rotates her head around really oddly. She also occasionally runs to the window to stare at the white pit bull who always reaches the window at the exact second she does, and just so happens to look and move exactly like her. Cosmo just finished making sweet love to a couch pillow then passed out asleep only to wake up, belch, and fall back asleep. 

i just can't stop myself

It's that time of year again: the season of sports betting and chest thumping.
Much like my gradual take-over of the Lucky Lady Fantasy Football league, i'm climbing the victory ladder in our office March Madness bracket mayhem. My irconclad selection system went something like this (for better or worse):
"USC fans are bit nutty, so i'm choosing Kansas."
"Xavier is a cool enough name to carry them to the Final 4, for sure."
"Josh didn't let me name the dog Memphis, so they're going to the championship."
"I don't know what UMBC stands for, so they can't be that good."
"So-and-so would never shut up about Gonzaga, and she bugged me, so they're not making it out of the first round."

So far that technique has propelled me to 2nd place (and no, it's not out of 2 people) so if "North Carolina? why not! John Niemeyer seems to like them, and he's tall" does what it's supposed to do, i just may be the golden goddess of sports and Josh will be taking my lucky butt to Vegas real soon.