Dear General Motors, NO. Uh-uh. Sincerely, America

GM has a tv ad running right now with a script that says something like 'America needs a rebound' blah blah blah with the honest-yet-uplifting recession talk that e v e r y o n e is employing right now. The thing about it is, GM failed as a company. Failed to keep up with the times and provide economically manufactured, desirable products at a competitive market rate. Survival of the fittest is as applicable in consumer culture as it is in nature. America has problems and needs a rebound, no doubt about that, but America's problems are sooooo not the same as GM's problems. GM made its own bed and now wants the rest of us to lie in it with them. Frankly, i resent them pretending we're the same entities with the same mistakes and the same path to recovery/success. To that i say, lame effort GM, but thanks- it made me love my Toyota all the more!

overdue post about Stella Bea

This is Stella Bea Rosten, only dog-child of neighbors and cohorts, Lyn & Jesse. She is Penny's bff, workout buddy, ringmaster, makeout partner, wrestlemania teammate and chief rival for affection and quality time with the tennis ball/rope toy/dino chewy etc. Though she is only half Penny's size, she holds her own in their near-constant wrestling matches. They were instant friends and, aside from a few tiffs resulting from Sexual Experimentation Without The Other's Consent, have been getting along swimmingly for about 3 months. Their wrestling techniques are strangely compatible: Penny attempts to devour Stella's hind legs and Stella tries to gnaw off Penny's face. Why this works so well, none of us really know, but it does and there has been intense wrestlage from day one. Josh and i are very glad they're besties because we were starting to think our Dog Of Emotional Baggage would never have a friend and never experience all the mental and physical stimulation that goes along with canine companionship. Stella Bea to the rescue.

Everyhing's Amazing, Nobody's Happy

Texts in my phone, vol. eleventybillion

I'm nobody's snow ho!

That's what small-group wives are supposed to do, right?

He decided to give me money instead! That was the most stressful experience of my life

just found 2 large furry detached legs of the insect varietal on bathroom floor.

Dance magic dance. I am jealous.

I'm going to punch linguistics in the balls.

I think I may start wearing hair pins. Is that okay? I'll start with bobby pins then work my way back in time. (note: not from a female)

You're bald???

It makes it really hard to stalk you when you park in the back.

He wants to be outside so much but can't seen to handle the wind. Kinda like a fat kid!

Jesse says that if pete comes it would be a petenic.

How can you "kind of" look @ a strangers underpants?

Bitch please

Hermie? Hermie? Hermie?

considering I'm STILL finding eyes from 5 years ago I'm very excited to see what you come up with.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god. What are you going to wear to the gala?

I'm going to poke my eyes out with...my shiny award!!! Let's to party!

i took a fake sick day last thursday, and now i think i have bronchitis or pneumonia. lesson learned.
--apparently i may have what they call "walking" pneumonia. yes, i am that lucky.

So. Two more years. Thats a lot of harley time.

only if i cough directly into your mouth. i promise i won't.

Who is the lead singer of the police? (Sting) You know that song "coming in the air tonight" who sings that? (Phil Collins) Its that guy right? (No)

That's amazing! Hey my sister's having her baby right now her f***ing b**** of a dr isn't there. She's lucky i'm down here buy i'd f*** her the f*** up.
--I just got the call...She pushed out a 9.3lb kid! Holy vagina batgirl!

Assolutamente fantastico, amico!

Dear NASA....

Now is the time, this is your chance: make outer space cool again. The people have spoken and i promise that it is in your best interest to listen to them. Remember back in the days of yore when Americans tuned in to watch shuttle launches? (i don't. i hadn't been born yet.) These days we gravity-bound plebians don't know anything about what you're sending into orbit (unless it crashes, unfortunately) but now you have the opportunity to make sure at least a handful of goofballs is paying partial attention. Be democratic. Give the people what they want. We want Colbert.

Oops: Colbert wins NASA space station name contest

WASHINGTON – NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Comedian Stephen Colbert won.
The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.

NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report" to write in his name. And they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday.

NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration."
----
This journalist's bias against Dear Stephen is glaring. 'Went awry'?? why not 'went spectacularly well'? For shame. Where's truthiness in the newsmedia when you need it?

latest obsession

There's a show on the We network called The Locator and i can't not watch it. The premise is that this guy, Troy Dunn, and his family run a business locating lost people by request of their loved ones. It's often cases of siblings separated by the foster system and people separated from a parent. The stories are heartbreaking and the capacity of people to survive and to forgive and to love is fascinating. Sometimes Troy's 'searching' gets a little stagey, but he's good at guiding his clients through the very difficult process and getting the story told without it all devolving to an Oprah or Extreme Home Makeover-esque cloying weeper. He has his clients' best interests at heart, not his own reputation. Sometimes the 'lost' ones don't want to be found, and those situations are hard, but the successful reunions are very moving. The best part is that when Troy brings the two parties together, he does it simply and then walks away. Most of the time you don't even notice he's gone because you're caught up with the happy reunion. He doesn't mug for the camera and shout about all the good things he's done and he doesn't lurk around asking pointed questions to try to make them cry. (see: Pennington, Ty, then gag.) It's a well-made show and is very interesting and uplifting.

On the advantages of drought and dry heat

Looks like Mother Nature has a case of the Mondays. That's our mailbox:
This is the creek that runs beside our house and under the street....well, it USUALLY runs under the street. Not today. That's our car:
And this is our yard, which has a 2 foot retaining wall down to the sidewalk, which is of course higher than the street. Under normal conditions, of course. The red car is kindly demonstrating how the street in front of OUR house is the worst section.
Josh came home for lunch just in time to change into his best rain gear and start building dams to keep the deluge out of our house. And he was clever enough to measure the amount of water he had INSIDE his boots. (about 1 measuring cup each)

Song #11

Getting back to the top 15 countdown of my all time besty-songzies, we are making a most logical jump from rock-n-roller prettyboys Kings of Leon to The Mister of all Misters, Mr. Ray Charles. i chose 'Georgia On My Mind', which you might think is kinda cliche' of me but to which i say 'stop with all the hate, we're already in a recession, you jackweed.' Try to deny the beauty of this song- the way his voice oooozes, the way it creates an intimate sense of place between you and somewhere you've probably never been, the everyone you know can identify it within the first few notes.... The fact that it's historical and popular doesn't make it less of a good choice for a personal list. It's still a very good song. The 11th best song ever, if you ask me. Since this song was performed by Ray so many times and has been covered and covered and covered (and never matched, in my opinion), it was hard to find my favorite version to post here. i am very resourceful though, and i used The Google. Please excuse the foreign subtitles. Sit back, turn up the volume, and drift away.

georgia on my mind stereo
Uploaded by ces

It goooooooooooes

We spent the last few days with our 5 pals, Matt, Brenda, Lizzie, Addison and Wahoo. (Wahoo is a dog, not an unfortunately-named child.) We slept in, we made food, the dogs played, we turned the ceiling fans off, we turned the ceiling fans on, we visited The World's Largest Sundial That Is Also A Bridge, we saw Warhols and Lichtensteins and 15 different breeds of geckos, we journeyed through the magical lands of Costco and moscato, we turned the ceiling fans off, we turned the ceiling fans on, we judged bad interior design and ate tacos, bought boots, built fires, crowned Miss Ireland, turned the ceiling fans off, turned the ceiling fans on, and generally giggled like idiots. Good times. And all this within Redding city limits! see how much fun visiting us can be? No really, it's rad. Thanks for making time for us, kiddos! We were honored and tickled pink and are excited you'll be on the West coast with us for a while.

dream

i was in an outdoor cafe' or food court area with Winter, my cousin Meredith, and Queen Latifah. Q. La and i were telling the others about how we work together at Macy's and were expressing our gratitude that we didn't work at that awful JC Penney's instead. The cafe' food court thingamabobber started playing the Beatles' 'Let It Be' over the speaker system and i became emotionally overwhelmed by the song, my life, etc., so i started to cry. Queen Latifah, Meredith, and Winter were too involved in their chit chat to notice, which i was glad about. Just as they were about to see me crying i was awoken by my phone, receiving a text message from my friend David that read: "I think I may start wearing hair pins. Is that okay?" i drifted back to sleep and my dream was gone. When i woke up an hour later i thought surely the random text had been part of the dream, but if you know David, you've probably already guessed that it was quite real.

Aqua Golf

Here are a couple picks of Kallie and I at aqua golf. She was kind enough to model for me for a picture I needed for the upcoming SU magazine we are creating at Simpson University.

Valentines present

I hope you enjoy your Valentines present Kallie.

public, private, potato, tomato

This may come as a shock to you (though it should not) but i do not shower daily. Or regularly. i have superhuman pH levels and a very sedentary lifestyle, both of which contribute to my ability to stay stink-free without bathing for several days. Sometimes, alluding to my lifestyle, my dear spouse will tease me and call me things like 'Stinky.' i do not charge him $4,000 for this insult.

Here's the thing: Disney cash cow and general tween puppet Miley Cyrus was hanging out with her friends in private and taking pictures. One picture was of everyone pulling their eyes and looking squinty. The picture was leaked to the internet and uproar ensued over her racial insensitivity and the poor behavior she is demonstrating for her fans. Now Miley is being sued by one woman who claims to be representing 1 million people, and she believes Miley owes each of those 1 million people $4,000 for the offense caused, totaling $4 billion. Never mind that
A- Miley's actions were in private, not on stage or on her show or at an endorsed appearance.
B- One of the friends in the picture is Asian.
C- She is a teenager, and sometimes that population of humanity goofs off and does stupid stuff.

When did it become okay to sue someone for hurting your feelings? and why do our feelings get hurt when someone calls attention to the basic markers of diversity? And if Miley Cyrus truly feels offensively toward another race, i think she's been raised by her parents and groomed by her Disneyness enough to know that you behave offensively behind someone's back, not with them in the same room. The presence of her Asian friend in the photo communicates that she probably was not making squinty eyes in an effort to communicate her race's superiority. And again, private gathering, private picture. It's interesting how the 'reporting' on this picture never mentions where it came from. Three guesses that it wasn't from Miley herself or someone with good intentions.

i can't say if i'm a fan of hers or not because i've never seen her show or heard one of her songs, but she is a singer and an actress, and not a 'lifecoach' and should therefore be held accountable for her singing and her acting only, not on every move she makes as a private citizen.

Moving on...

Michael Phelps has won 14 gold medals and he's only 23. You can't win gold medals, let alone that many, unless you're healthy and disciplined and responsible enough to endure the training and competition. Michael went to a private party and smoked marijuana; someone took a picture of it and sold/gave it to the media, so now Michael Phelps, who has 4 years until the next Olympics, is having to answer to the public about his actions. If he is an Olympian, and that's how we know him and what we praise him for and in whatever capacity made 'his job,' then what he does in private 4 years before needing to report to work is not our business unless it effects his job performance. A bong hit will not effect his backstroke in 2012. If it does, we have the right to be upset in 2012, but not until then. Also? private gathering, private actions. None of our business. Okay, play the 'marijuana is illegal' card (and wave it around in righteous indignation). Are you sure Michael doesn't have a license to partake of medicinal ganga? And when was the last time you went a WEEK without breaking a law? i broke one this morning. And this afternoon. And i'll probably break it on my way home. EASE UP. And i defer to my fantasy boyfriend Seth Meyers to finish up the Phelps portion of this diatribe:


i heard a recent interview wherein Brad Pitt was musing about how our culture requires actors to promote their projects by attending several talk shows/late night shows/magazine interviews etc and discussing their romantic lives. To a certain extent, the amount of awards a project and its participants receive is also based on this 'campaigning'. So here's the logic: an actor is paid to pretend he is someone else in a television show or a movie. The success of the movie or television is based largely on the actor telling strangers about his family and his sex life. Say it with me: HUH?? When a celebrity complains about the microscope they live under we wag our fingers and say 'but this is what you signed up for,' but you know what? not really. They signed to act or sing and we as a society added alot of fine print once we decided we liked or were interested in them, so if they want to KEEP their job, they have to sign on the dotted line, while we film them doing it. And if they're a female, we have to see if we can get a picture up their skirt while they're signing. In blood.

Now you're wondering what any of this has to do with me not showering. And you're wondering when i last showered. That's none of your business :) (see how i did that?)

Song 12

Moving right along to song 12 out of my Top 15. 'Use Somebody' by Kings of Leon ultimately eliminated the Foo Fighters' 'Best of You' from contention based on the strength of its musicality. i could listen to Caleb Followill sing the phone book or the script to The Bachelor (yes, there's a script, don't be naive), i love his voice that much. This is one of Kings more mainstream/radio-y songs, but i still love it. If you like it you should also check out 'Sex On Fire' and my other favorite, 'Day Old Blues'. Just don't tell my parents that i put the word sex on my blog.

Oh, it's a "belt bag"? Well in that case!!

Dear Target,

Here is a list of things you could call this FANNY PACK and we, the consumers who are actually not as stupid as you think we are, would still know it is a FANNY PACK and therefore not purchase it.

BUTT LUGGAGE
POSTERIOR PARCEL
WAIST BALE
HIPSTER HIPSTUFF
FREE CANDY
PET PONY
CHANGE/HOPE/ETC

Sincerely,

THE ENTIRE BUYING WORLD

ohhhhh, so THAT'S where W's brains went

Austin road sign warns motorists of zombies

An Austin road sign meant to warn motorists about road conditions instead read: "The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead!"
Vandals broke off a lock on the sign in central Austin early Monday and then hacked into the computer to change the words, said Sara Hartley, a city spokeswoman.
When they were done, the sign read: “The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead! Run for cold climate!”
Before leaving, the vandals reset the password so the city could not easily change the sign. The sign's humorous warning stayed up for several hours before the manufacturer of the computer could reset the password.
Austin officials aren’t taking the spoof lightly, noting it is a criminal act.
“The sign’s content was humorous, but the act of changing it wasn’t,” Hartley said.
__________________
Obviously, this is fantastic. Of all the things in the universe these pranksters could've picked to type, they picked zombies. For that, i applaud them.

song 13

Yo Yo Ma takes his bow as we count down my Top 15 songs. (yay! unintentional pun! Bow. Bow. Okay whatever.) i love cello music, i don't know anyone who doesn't. All the beauty of classical music without the squealy flutes and violins and scary cymbals and sopranos. Cello music is red wine and feathers and orchids. Here is my favorite cellist, playing my favorite cello song, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1. The way it builds in the third minute is so great, i listen to this song on repeat all the time.
(i realize the video is a little random, but it beats the version i found of this song set to a slideshow of Salvador Dali's more...terrifying surrealist pieces. Be sure to stick around for the amazingly bizarre city councilman hologram at the end. It was too good to pass up.)

Reason #11...

...of why i like Philip Seymour Hoffman: you can read the phrase, "Up next he voices an obese New Yorker with Asperger's in the claymation film Mary and Max" and realize just how much you love the entire world.

like him or not...

...he's your president, and you can't ignore that some pretty sweet art came out of this campaign. And what do we do with good art? we bastardize it!!!

She's Only Happy in the Sun

Penny honored Dr. King in her own special way yesterday. It involved snoring and moving from patch of carpet to patch of carpet, depending on the position of the sun. Just another terrible winter Monday in Redding. Today she is celebrating the inauguration in much the same way.