Adventures in having my boss....

"Kallie, there's a paper jam in the printer, and that stuff is all Greek to me! You're the expert at this stuff." and walks away.....doesn't follow me to the printer to learn HOW to take care of it. Don't know why i'm considered an expert, as i specifically avoid such tasks becuase of moments like there. Don't you love it when people pretend to compliment you as their way of bossing you around? We have a fancy printer with a screen and flashing arrows diagramming exactly where the paper jam is. i looked at the screen, opened the appropriate door, and easily pulled out the offending piece of paper which was in plain sight.
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"Kallie where's that excel file? Can you print it out for me?" (4th time i was asked)
"I emailed it to you so you'll have it and you can print it out whenever you want." (even tho it's on the shared drive and i'd answered as much the first 3 times.)
Later.... "Kallie i'm leaving and i'll be back around 3. i couldn't get the attachment to open, so could you go into my office and open it for me while i'm gone?"
So i go in, thinking i attached it wrong or there's a problem with the file. Nope. The email is open on the computer, i double click, attachment opens. It's a non-profit miracle!
Phone call... "Kallie i don't know if i'll be back before you leave, but did you get the attachment open?"
"Yes. i clicked on it and it opened."
"Could you also print it out for me? i don't know how to print excel stuff."
Needless to say, i left post-it notes on the monitor: 'To open email attachments: double click.' 'To print Excel files: click print icon.' 'To remove head from butthole, pull on shoulders.'
(....okay, maybe not that last one...)
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Me: on my lunch, which i've taken at the same time everyday for the past year in the same fashion-- closing the sliding glass door to my office and turning off the light so i can eat at my desk in peace. Eating a bowl of soup, reading a book. i even have the hood of my sweatshirt up.
Boss opens door. "Kallie do you have the instructions for Claire for changing the outgoing message?" (3rd time he's asked this week)
"No, i already told Claire that."
"Okay we need to do that by tomorrow."
"Claire's doing it."
"Alright, great! Because that needs to be done."
Closes my door.
Opens my door.
"You know, it's not good for your eyes to read in the dark!"
"I know, but the lights being off indicates to everyone that i'm on my lunch break."
"Cool! Good idea!"
Closes my door.
Obviously not that good of an idea, seeing as how it doesn't work on him. i guess i'll have to go back to eating in my car.
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How much do they pay those people who care for mentally disabled adults? Because that's what i should be making, since that's what i'm doing.