Yes, we know. We're clever.

We went to a Halloween Party last night, the kind where you're required to wear a costume. We weren't really stoked on the costume thing, but after talking with Winter about their dress-up genius, we got in the spirit and were able to pull off some crowd favorites with just a little bit of wit and stitching. What follows are instructions on how to put together two great costumes out of stuff you probably already have and that allow you to not look or feel like an idiot.

THE MENTAL PATIENT
Start with white linen pants, or blue/grey/tan. Doesn't have to be linen, but avoid flannels and sweats, otherwise you just look sleepy. No denim, and preferably no pockets. Next: a long sleeve shirt in any of the aforementioned colors, worn inside out. On the back, write or pin/sew a square that says some variation of: "Sac County Mental Corrections, Patient 34052." On the front, do the same with just your patient id #. This also helps defend you against that awful "What are you supposed to be?" question. With arms in the sleeves, cross them in the front and tie/sew/pin them as far back as is comfortable. This acheives the 'straight jacket' look. Extra points if you can include buckles or leather belts. Complete the attire with mismatched footwear. I chose one slipper and one flip-flop, with a hole-y blue and orange sock on under the flipflop. (Remember- mental patients don't get shoes with laces!) Top it off with the appropriate hair and make-up: Hair should be bedheaded and disheveled, the messier the better, maybe even a bit dirty. This is easiest to accomplish with short hair, and even better if you can acheive the 'choppy, super-short bangs' a la Angelina and Penelope in Girl, Interrupted and Gothika, respectively. (note: your arms are restrained, so avoid having too much hair in your face) Finally: break with continuity and, if you're female, apply make-up. Extensive and haphazard application is best. Black or dark eyeliner all around the top and bottom of the eye (smeared strategically to make sure you don't look like you've been punched twice) gives off that mad-woman, Mommie-Dearest, Hell-hath-no-fury vibe. Effective: sad and crazy. Upon arriving at the party and 'playing your part', the eye makeup really comes into its own when you make your 'I once ate 3 forks because the couch told me to' crazy face. To counterbalance the disturbing eyes, find the reddest lipstick you can and apply it to most of your lips and a little bit of your face-around-the-lips. This says, "i'm unstable enough to have to wear this straight jacket when i go on field trips, but i have just enough semblance of sanity to know that a proper lady never leaves the house without her lippy!" It makes for a more rounded and sympathetic character. If you have a partner, they can wear all white, carry a bunch of keys and a bottle of pills/syringe, and be your 'handler'.

THE NOT-LYING / NOT-KLEPTO
Dress in your usual attire. Opt for cargo pants and, if possible, a logo-free shirt or sweater with a pocket. Attach/iron on/sharpie the following on the front: I AM NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC, and on the back: OR A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. Carry a nondescript bag, like a pillowcase in the same color as your pants or shirt. Upon arriving at the party, your bag should already contain some random items, ie: a remote control, a dvd, a shoe obviously belonging to a person of the opposite sex, a condiment, and some item of personal value to someone other than yourself, like a framed photo or wallet. This costume is more about performance than look. When you arrive at the party, and people ask you what you're supposed to be, say "Just me tonight. ...unlike that one time i was running secret government ops in Turkmenistan and i had wear a glass eye and forge the identity of a shemale taxi-driver. That was an experience, man." Then take the food/beverage/cell phone/etc out of your friend's hand and walk away, putting said item in your bag. Forethought is very effective; if the hostess is preparing to serve snacks, steal something essential, like the stack of paper plates. If you know people will be making use of the billiard table, steal the white ball. Sneak off to the front entrance and snag keys, shoes, umbrellas, etc. If other costumes involve props like swords, wands, and pom-poms, look for opportunities when the wearer sets their accessory down to pour a drink. The host or hostess is the best target. They are mostly likely distracted by activity and are the central party-figure, so stealing their stuff is the best way to get people to enjoy your costume. Which brings us to the accusations: someone will no doubt take notice of your theft and call you out. This is when indignance comes into play. "I'm just here enjoying the festivities! Why are you being like this? I didn't behave this way when my Porsche and my prize shi-tzu Tammy were stolen on that trip to Reno, did I?" Involving your 'pathological liar' identity helps deflect from the theft. When people insist on looking in your mysterious bag, take umbrage. "I'm not going through your pockets! I could, since I'm an Honorary Federal Deputy because of my work in the JonBenet Ramsey case, but I'm not." Then walk away. Removing yourself from the situation frees you from committing any of your lies to stories. Short lies are good too. When a fellow partier compliments the food, say "Yeah, rice krispy treats. My three adopted Namibian kids love em with M & Ms. Hey, how are you liking that new stereo system you installed?" Changing the subject disallows them from responding to your lie. Extra bonus points if you can get the host's docile pet to stay in your bag until a partygoer notices. Some items won't fit in your bag: an umbrella, a wok, a candelabara. Like the pet, these stolen items are meant to be noticed and removed, but be sure to blame someone else for their 'mysterious' presence in your possession. Finally, don't forget to return stolen items as people leave or at the end of the night. It won't be fun for them if they end up locked out of their house because your klepto-d their keys and forgot to give them back, or if you stole part of a rented costume.

Hopefully it's not too late in Halloween-season for you to use these tips. Have fun with them! Your friends will too!