When Good Family Spy Shows Go Bad

Sometimes you have to write things out to grasp their magnitude. Take, por ejemplo, the Alias season finale.

The American Super-spies (they make other spies look like Natl. Guardsmen) are in Moscow where the Rambaldians, a wack-o cult with extremely high government connections (but really, don't all cults have great clout with powerful gov.s?), has used the genetics of an orchid to unleash a giant swirly red ball in the air over Moscow. This Uber-Gobstopper will, upon being triggered, poison the water supply of the entire planet.
Before they parachute safely through the Evil Gobstopper, Vaughn asks Sydney to be his SpyWife and gives her a diamond decoder ring.
While the two Spy-Geeks back at headquarters find an internet porn video of a Russian official to be used for blackmail in exchange for The All Important Secret Code to Russia, the better looking spies (too hot for desk jobs) are walking around the desecrated streets of Moscow. Apparently there's not THAT much of a hurry to save the earth.
Suddenly! RUSSIAN ZOMBIES! The Gobstopper has unleashed legions of them! They have red eyes and can speak English! Luckily their friend from NYU happens to be wandering around Moscow with an AK47. He tells them you have to shoot the zombies to kill them, right before a Russian zombie sticks a rod of rebar thru his chest. Dying, he tells them their only way to the Gobstopper floating above the city is through the underground subways, naturally. They will have to activate the Subway batteries in order to operate it, as Moscow is experiencing a rolling blackout.
Sydney asks Nadia to be her maid of honor, but when the Russian zombies chase them Nadia can't run fast enough to jump aboard the subway. Sydney prettily furrows her brow and wonders if maybe slow-poke Nads isn't maid of honor material.

Oh yeah, and a glowing white horse walks by at one point, in the depths of Gobstopper-Zombie blacked out desecrated Russia. It's apparently a sign that the Chosen One will triumph over the StayPuffed Marshmallow Man or something.

Fast forward to when Sydney has 4 seconds to unplug the evil Gobstopper. Ambiguous Sloane, still stoked they were able to kill his Sloane Clone last week, has to shoot his daughter, the now Zombified Nadia, who was trying to kill Sydney out of jealousy that Syd was getting married before her. Jack and his actually-not-dead-after-he-shot-her Russian ex-wife Irina are interrogating her somehow-Spanish sister Ilena (ps- their other sister is Italian). Irina puts a bullet in sis's head for calling her fat and tells Syd to cut the blue wire. YAY! The Gobstopper explodes into water and they all take the elevator to safety, which i guess operates off the subway's batteries.

Phone Etiquette

Yesterday i was getting ready to leave work when a man suffering from ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease) called to berate me for apparently caring more about frozen embryos than i do about sick people. After ten minutes of me not getting a word in edgewise he finally told me that he hopes me and all my coworkers get ALS so we would know how it feels. That's when i decided i didn't need to be on the phone with him any longer. Great way to end a day huh? It's always nice when perfect strangers wish crippling, fatal diseases on you.

JOSH AND KALLIE BACK ONLINE!

Yes, the computer is fixed and we are back up running with even more great info about your favorite couple! Check out Kosmo, the new addition to the Markle family!

Why Kallie Is Awesome, Reason #43

i am eating a chimichanga out of a mug with a spoon.

Another Kallie Dream

Me and Travis and a bunch of my punk rock friends (don't laugh-it could happen) were walking through a mall or carnival (is there really a difference?) when we came across Steven Spielberg and a huge sound stage and a bunch of photographers, makeup people, etc. Apparently we had appointments to take stills of the new Star Wars episode (which Spielberg is directing now i guess) which we apparently were also in. i was dressed up like either Mary Magdalene or the Emperor, either way i had some sort of hood. My pose was that of Princess Leia and the whole "Help Me Obi Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope" bit. While we were waiting to take the picture, there were deleted scenes from Minority Report playing on the hugest screen ever. Something about Tom Cruise and Colin Ferrel in a cab. Steven was explaining that these were the scenes the studio made him cut. i didn't know that anyone could make Steven do anything he didn't want to do. i got tired of waiting or had to pee or something, so i drove away in my big jeep, and a PA had to come get me. Steven Speilberg was not to happy with me for driving away. i just kept thinking, "You look like Karl Martin." By then Travis and all my punk rock friends had left, leaving me to take my picture all alone at the dark carnival/sound stage.

RootCanalLitterBoxComcast

i just learned that i will be having a root canal on Friday the 13th. Luckily, i'm a professional dental patient who specializes in root canals and other extra-unpleasant procedures. No amateur should attempt this.

We are in our new apartment and we love it! Thanks all who helped. Come visit soon, we have someone special for you to meet....OUR NEW KITTY! His name is Cosmo (as in Kramer) but Josh calls him Nancy. We've always been dog people, but we're learning that the whole cat/litter box thing is fantastic. Then again, our cat is smarter and cleaner and cooler than every other cat ever....

i know you're just DYING for pictures of Cosmo/Nancy/Daquiri (as David calls him) but since the Comcast monkey never showed up during his 4 hour window and can't come again for 2 WEEKS, i'm writing this from work. We'll put pictures up as soon as we can. "Don't worry," Comcast person says, "we won't charge you for these two weeks!" Yeah. Duh. i'd like to know how they'd charge us for the phone, internet and cable service we DON'T have because their guy DIDN'T come install it. (although he claims otherwise. Comcast: Do you live in a beige building? Josh: Yes. Comcast: Yeah, he said he went there and it was a beige building and no one was home. (For those unfamiliar with Elk Grove, EVERYTHING IS BEIGE. Elk Grove makes 'cookie-cutter' seem random.) My bet is that he was eating Doritos and smoking a joint in his truck somewhere. Come on karma, don't fail me now...)

Tirade over. Will post pics of kitty soon.

kal

Kallie's Dream

The following all took place in the upstairs portion of a jungle house, just outside the elevator.
My friend James Beaver and Grace (from Will & Grace) are both desperately in love with gay Will (from Will & Grace). James is despondant, Grace is insane. Observing, i wonder why Grace doesn't just go for James, since James is a hottie and heterosexual (@ least, before he fell in love with gay Will.) They are bickering over Will and every once in a while James storms off to fix the big gold elevator whose doors are stuck open and inside is an apartment with a 1970s dining room table and Will. To solve the "Who Gets To Be With Will" dilemma, Will's parents have been called in. His parents are actress Mimi Rogers and...Will. Will's father is Will, so there are two Wills, but James and Grace are only in love with the gay Will. Mimi Rogers is irate and mean (i think i was channeling Door in the Floor) and Will the Dad is bored; James is still bummed, but has almost fixed the gold elevator, Grace is just annoying. Then we're all downstairs, chest deep in water in the jungle house, so it's more like a swamp or the Amazon, and to get around we stand in little boats and use large fish (sea bass?) as oars.

James, wherever you are, you have some explaining to do. Nevertheless, you were the most rugged gay man i will ever come across.

ON WHY I HATE MOVING

My family has lived in the same house my whole life. i used to brag, then i graduated from high school.

I HAVE MOVED 15 TIMES IN LESS THAN 6 YEARS. At first i didn't believe it, so i had to write it out. Observe and sympathize.

1. August, 1999: Moved from Redding to PLNU/Nease Hall
2. May, 2000: Nease to Redding
3. August 2000: Redding to PLNU/Klassen Hall
4. May 2001: Klassen to Young Hall
5. July 2001: Young to Redding
6. August 2001: Redding to Rome/Convent
7. October 2001: Convent to Villa Borghese Apt
8. December 2001: Rome to Redding
9. January 2002: Redding to PLNU/Goodwin Hall
10. May 2002: Goodwin to Young Hall
11. August 2002: Young to Flex Housing
12. May 2003: Flex to Adrian Street Apt
13. April 2004: Adrian St to Redding
14. June 2004: Redding to Elk Grove, Harbour Point Apt
15. April 2005: Harbour Point Apt to Lake Point Apt

-k

Why Karma is Bunk

Every morning it takes me ten minutes to travel the length of the metered on-ramp, all the while, jerkies whiz by in the carpool lane and only about half of them are actually carpool-worthy. So yesterday, I'm in the carpool lane of the 99 for like 3 seconds when a cycle-cop spots me, pulls me over and gives me a ticket. i'm going to build a tollbooth at my on-ramp and charge carpool violators a dollar each until my ticket is paid off.

Movers 4 Hire

As of the 1st of May, Kallie and I will be in our new apartment. We are looking for strong, diligent movers who don't like stealing. Please apply to: movers@joshandkallie.com
We are excited to move into our new place. Hopefully the management will be better than our old place. Check it out:
http://www.rent.com/apartments/california/sacramento-and-vicinity/elk-grove/488941/

(Note: all movers will be paid in food only.)

Prayers for Grandma Markle

Just a reminder to all, Grandma Markle is going in for a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check on her stomach problems. Please keep her in prayer.

Josh's New Hobby

I've finally started the path toward removing some of the extra "Josh" that hangs out on my belly. With the addition of a little cardio and the help of my brother-in-law Chris, I will be taking a Karate Class. I went down tonight and got my gi and watched the class I would participate in. There is one little kid Robert who has been training since he was eight. Chris told me that his parents used to train him by attaching weights to his hands when he punched. He is now 15 and a junior black belt. How he is in my class I do not know. I'm sure he'll end up being my sparring partner. The class looks to be a lot of fun, plus I get to hang out with Chris and get a chance to get to know him better. We had a good time hanging out tonight talking about the kids and his business. So look out for the next great Chuck Norris.

-Josh

PS. I also asked my sister Kallie and Chris to go with us to a wine tasting class on Saturday. Those of you who know Chris realize how great a situation that is.

PSS. Those of you wanting to participate in the "Bet on What Belt Level Josh Drops Karate Poll" need to speak with Kallie. She has 20 bucks on the blue belt!

(Just kidding. GO KARATE!)

March Madness, Movie Style

For all those movie geeks living with sports nuts....this is fun! i'll show you mine if you show me yours!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7053845/

kal
and yes, i consider it a triumph that Napoleon Dynamite was NOT included!

CONGRATULATIONS RACHEL AND JASON

Jason and Rachel, congrats on the engagement. In what little time we have known Jason, we have learned enough to see how much he cares for Rachel and how much he can tolerate her friends. We are very excited for you both and we can't wait to have you two up in Northern California for a Giants game.

Kallie's Dream

i was in the back seat, Whitney was driving and Winter was shotgun, and we were all talking about something when Winter said "I just can't wait to be a daddy." It was a weird thing to say but i ignored it, until i realized that Whit and Winter were both in on something i was unaware of. All of sudden we were in our beachfront mansion made entirely of windows and yet enclosed inside Klassen Hall. Winter announced that yes, she was pregnant! i immediately offered my condolences and sympathies but she was actually very excited and showed me the postcard that the doctor's office had sent her. It was the standard form kind where they fill in the details; it said "Dear WINTER MITCHELL, this is to confirm that you are PREGNANT but not LACTATING." i asked how it happened, since Winter hadn't wanted kids yet. She said she had a nodule that had counterbalanced her patch and made her pregnant. Suddenly it was a few years later and Jason was showing me a photo of himself with two little blond boys, (Winter had twins) and telling me that they had named the boys Evan and Uritch. Later i fell off the top of my giant canopy bed which was floating in water but i didn't sink in the water i landed on my back and floated while on the phone and telling Korina about the pregnancy.

(For a good half hour this morning i thought about how weird it was that Winter and Jason were going to be parents.)

Collierville Country Store

Don't let Josh ever tell you that he didn't grow up in the boonies. Around the corner from the Markle homestead is the Collierville Country Store....Acampo's version of 7/11 or something. When we stopped in on Sunday THERE WAS A CHICKEN CHILLING IN THE PARKING LOT. That's when i knew we weren't in San Diego anymore.

-kal

Things I Wish I Hadn't Learned At Work

While it's good to be working for a cause, it's hard to be submerged in all that i'm working against. At times i can't stand the feeling that i'm the only one knowing this stuff, so i'm putting it out there and telling myself that at least now i'm not alone in how i'm feeling.

---Since Roe v Wade, there have been more than 40 million recorded abortions. (The entire population of San Diego is just over 1 million.)
---An unborn child has less legal protection from pain than commercial livestock.
---Dilation and Evacuation Abortions involve the dismemberment of the unborn child by a pair of forceps; sometimes the head is too large and must be crushed for removal. Instillation Abortions involve replacing amniotic fluid with a concentrated salt solution, which the child inhales as the salt burns its skin for up to an hour. In neither technique is the unborn provided with any anesthesia, despite the fact that @ 20 weeks he/she is fully capable of feeling pain but has not developed the mechanisms for inhibiting or moderating pain that adults and children have.
---More children are killed by abortion every year than the total number of Americans killed in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, WWI & WWII, and the Vietnam, Korean and Persian Gulf Wars combined.
---Induced Labor Abortion forces a preterm baby (up to an incl. 9 months) out of its mother, alive, where it is left on a table to die (which can take several hours); hospitals are not even required to wrap the baby in a blanket.
---Californians pay for more than 91,666 abortions a year, about $51,863,235.00 .... and that was in 1998.

-kal

SD, HERE WE COME!

The long awaited trip has finally come and we couldn't be more excited to get back to San Diego. Jeff Kane has won the honors of picking us up from the airport. We have no plans other than places we would like to eat. Those hot spots on the list are the following: Santanas, Miguel's, Wahoo's, La Taverna, Hawaiian Place, The Schollers, Einstein Bros Bagels, Coffee Bean & Gordon Biersh...to name a few. So if any of you old friends want to meet up for a bite some where this weekend, please join us! We are excited to see all of you and spend time with some of our dearest. Thank you for those of you helping us out with traveling and lodging. We appreciate everything.

See you soon,

Josh and Kallie

mmmm, monotony

i have discovered something i love almost as much as alphabatizing books: addressing envelopes. It is the perfect activity for someone who revels in organized monotony and is entirely obsessed with her own handwriting.


-kal

Words of Wisdom

If you are ever looking for dental insurance, try Delta Dental Insurance. Apparently it is the only insurance approved by almost every dentist. Choosing to not go with Delta leaves you with an insurance that is unapproved by your dentist causing you to pay for your (1,100 dollar) wisdom teeth removal surgery up front and waiting for your insurance to pay YOU back. Since when was Blue Cross outed by Dentists!