A Treatise on Etiquette, from a girl who cusses alot

When did we as a society decide to abandon basic etiquette? i'm sure a number of theses have been written on the subject, under titles like 'The American Moral Decline' and other such cultural-y sounding names. But seriously. i get that people don't 'call on' each other anymore, we don't sit around parlors in the evenings while someone's daughter recites a sonnet (gag. (and now you see more of why i don't read any damn Jane Austen books.)), we don't give out favors at parties, we don't send thank-you cards or gifts...we just seem to hang out. In college my friend Whitney was one of the only people i knew who still regularly and naturally practiced some of the things that, when the rest of us would do it, would be EXTRA special or out of the ordinary or even mildly eccentric (is there such a thing as mildly eccentric? i don't know) And you know what? Whitney's family was Southern. i maintain that her Georgia roots had very much to do with that. i liked it. We've been to a few weddings recently and received 'thank you' cards for our presence and our gifts, but they've been generic, pre-printed things. Now, i don't go to weddings specifically to eventually get a gushing tome to my social and financial generosity, but the generic 'thank you' falls short. i dunno, something about a picture postcard printed with 'thanks for sharing in our special day!' doesn't convince me that you'd even know i was at your wedding if i hadn't signed the guest book, and that you weren't touched by the gift i spent all afternoon looking for because i wanted something more special than a measuring cup set from off your registry. Oh and i wrapped it myself. (ya, i'm a little needy and arrogant. i also take great pride in being a good gift-giver, and that pride makes me prideful and when it isn't acknowledged it hurts my pride.) So i don't necessarily think we all need our own monogrammed stationary for 'correspondence', but when someone is throwing a party and serving dinner, and she says RSVP and even gives her guests a really easy, impersonal way to do it: EMAIL: then why is it too much to ask? One of my theories is that we Californians are so tied to our beachy, left coast identity that certain laws of etiquette appear to conflict with that and we refuse them. No one loves that identity more than me, but isn't it fun to tell someone 'thanks for inviting me to your party! i'd love to come!'? And isn't a party more fun when there's just enough food for everyone without a bunch going to waste and a stressed out hostess? We need to strike a balance. We need to say 'please' and 'thank you', we need to accept or decline invitations, we need to say 'nice to meet you' and 'how is your family?' These do not conflict with our identities as 'go with the flow' Californians or with our rugged American independence. i promise.

If i've offended you or your practices, i apologize. (see what i did there? etiquette.) i didn't set out to verbally chastise, but rather express concern. (you can always tell the ramblings by their total lack of paragraph breaks) It's partly because i'm eyeball deep in Season 1 of Mad Men, which is set in 1960, when everything was courtesy and appearance and pre-determined. This show is fantastic and terrifying and i've never appreciated women and the feminist movement more.

Also, i know Johnny Law doesn't want you talking on your celly while driving so your talk-time is getting seriously squeezed, but please pause your conversation and put your phone away when you're checking out at the grocery store / cafe' / adult bookstore / whatever. That person standing by the cash register is not, amazingly, a robot, but in fact is a person who was probably hired in part for his/her customer service and interpersonal skills and you treating them as a machine is simply rude. If you're not finished with your conversation, ask your caller if he/she wouldn't mind holding while you make your purchase, set the phone down, complete the 42 second transaction, and then continue your conversation. i guarandamntee that you will impress at least 3 people with your behavior: the checker, your caller, and the jaded 27 year old girl in the brown sweater standing behind you in line. Unless you're in line at the adult bookstore. In that case i'm not wearing a brown sweater, but rather dark glasses and a fake mustache and a t-shirt that reads 'HI, MY NAME IS ALAN AND I LOVE SHOPPING HERE AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A PERV.' Your good example will inspire others and they'll pay it forward and this world will be a better place for all our nieces and nephews.

Also, be on time to your appointments and engagements.

Also, thanks for listening. i have to get these tirades out of the way before Josh fixes the comment feature on this bloggedry. Which he can't do because i'm always on the computer penning tirades.

Now if you'll excuse me, i've been putting off some much needed cleaning for an awesome party that, judging from the vacant RSVPs, no one is coming to.

...except for Pete, who just RSVP'd.

Ode to Michael Scott

Here's the thing about The Office: i love it, but not as much as i love Steve Carell in it. Yes, everyone knows he's a talented comedic actor, and yes, he did wonderful dramatic work in Little Miss Sunshine, but i think his Michael Scott is transcendantorist. (It's a word. Look it up.) Here is a character that can make you SO uncomfortable that you want to leave the room or turn off the television (my friend Mary Beth simply cannot watch this show because of the awkwardness created by this character), or make you so angry that you want to hurl your mircowave at the screen, but you root for him. Everytime. You want him to find the right woman and have kids even though he'll be a terrible father. You want him to be loved by his employees even though he's a disaster of a boss. You want people to laugh at his jokes even though he's excrutiatingly out of touch. And yeah, much of the success that is Michael Scott is due the writers and the British version that came before it, but i'm ignoring the British version right now because this is my blog and you can't post comments to argue with me. Besides, in long-running television situations like these, the evolution of a character is a collaboration between actor and writer. For me, watching Steve Carell on The Office is as fascinating as watching any critically acclaimed method-actor type in an Oscar-bait film. i'm rapt. The nuance is is impressive, the timing is impeccable, and i think it takes courage to commit so thoroughly to such a character. i love it. It's beyond 'appointment television' to me because it's like going to the theater or a museum and observing the excellence of an art form.

When it becomes Fall ('it' being the season), as it is wont to do, i resist work and desire only to stay inside and read on my couch in a blanket while my dog lies as close to me as possible and snores and snorts the day away.

Mostly, the point of this post was so that i could use the phrase 'as it is wont to do'.

love letter to Bremerseattleton

Dear Greater Seattle Area Including Kitsap County,

You're kind of a filthy liar, you know that? But i love you. i do. They say love is blind but 'they' are also an anonymous congregation of folk who give their opinion without being asked for it. i don't trust those kinds of factions. And love is not blind, at least, not in this case. i know that you are not warm-ish and sunny-ish all the time, like you pretended to be this weekend, except for when you were drizzly, which i think is probably more accurate but that you only enacted that one day this weekend to emphasize the warmish sunnyishness of the other days. Liar. If you wore pants, Greater Seattle Area Including Kitsap County, they would be aflame. i hope they wouldn't be leather pants, because .....ew. Stinky. In any case, i am in love with you. i love that when we walked through your airport it smelled like coffee and that the fruity-brained barmaid at The Red Door listed the dozen other bars she thought we'd enjoy. i've never had a server at McDonald's tell me i should really try out Burger King, whilst giving me hummus, so that was impressive. i loved that it felt like camping, even while driving through through the citiest parts. i did not love your troll, however. At all. It scared me. It scared the love of Christ right out of me, to be more precise and i've been taking pains to forget all about it. Shame on you.

Anyway, here are other things that make me love you: brown dogs named Sadie and Rud, a decently comfortable airbed in John's impressively clean house, reminding Jim that the husband does not always have a bigger office than the wife, Top Pot, getting to wear the black velvet jacket that i so thoroughly love, Kahlua the 200lb lap dog, realizing that i love dried mango slices and eating hundreds as a result of that realization, kitty cats that go bump in the night, waterproof bottle rockets, cute eskimo babies, winning at Settlers of Catan, and mountains of good food. Thanks to you, Greater Seattle Area Including Kitsap County, i remembered that not all of the earth is 90 degrees all of the time, and when i got back home it was the first day of Autumn! (in theory only, of course) i got to walk on the seashore and ferry around with a Coast Guard escort and now my purse smells like ocean. i got to hug Katie and John and Winter and Jason and i got to wear Mitchell Lumber sweatshirts and eat spicy chocolate. Your Farmer's Flea Market Oktoberfest was marvelous and the chainsaw pumpkin carving was messily awesome. Hooray for goony liberals in unitards!

Should i bid adieu to sun and move up to live with you forever, Greater Seattle Area Including Kitsap County? i don't know if we belong to each other like that. i think we might, but i don't know if i'm ready to be a city kid again. You're so nice and hip and snuggly and pretty. i'm deeply attracted to you, but as we all know by now, i'm rather loose with my urban affections. Please save a spot for me, if i decide i'm ready to commit. i promise it will be worth it.

Kallie

sunday night

Mentally, physically, and emotionally fried, evaporated and scrambled, respectively, i read A Thousand Splendid Suns by the dim yellow glow of my book light while Josh drove and scanned radio stations. There was a lightning storm in the distance, made eerier by the cloudless sky. The protagonist in my book was given a burka to wear. She went 27 years without signing her name to a piece of paper. We stopped for gas for Rex and food for me. It was too late for a dinner, not late enough to not eat, and my guts and blood still contained 2 donuts, a vanilla latte, a raspberry beer, 4 slices of margherita pizza and half a ream of saltine crackers. i made at least five circuits through the Chevron food store, marveling that i could wear jeans and a fitted shirt, that my husband could not tell me to not leave the car, that i had cash in my pocket to spend how i wanted, that i had makeup on and a man's haircut. Nothing looked edible, everything was accessible. Milk looked delicious, so i grabbed some. Made another circuit, and saw the Cup-Of-Noodles. i realized the universe was confused. There was lightning without rain and i had won a match of Settlers but lost at Nerts. i didn't know what to do in this vortex of exhaustion. i hoped Chevron had a way of giving me hot water for the noodles, but wouldn't pick them up until i knew for sure. i circled some more. Josh had long since finished pumping gas and was waiting for me in the parking spots. Microwave. i could get water from the bathroom and heat it. i knew there was a fork underneath the passenger seat of my car. The fork belongs to my employer. i retreived the noodles and went to pay. The blonde lady was amiable and told me there were utensils around the corner and hot water out of the cappucino machine. i wanted to tell her that i was glad we could both have jobs and not stay at home making daal all day, but i didn't. i found the cappucino machine and in a minute the digital screen read 'brewing'. Seconds later, dark Colombian coffee was dribbling into my chicken flavored dehydrated noodles, so i removed them and let it fill the tray underneath the metal grate. It almost overflowed, and i didn't want to have to impose on the nice lady, so i rationalized that i could always take off my long sleeved shirt, mop up the coffee and exit if necessary. i pressed the 'hot water' button and pressed start. Nothing happened. Repeat. Same results. i realized one more effort would quantify me as insane, so i gathered my last two wits and rubbed them together. Pressed 'hot water' and realized the digital screen said to press and hold. Marvelous. i looked for utensils and didn't see them. Completely without trust for my powers of perception, i determined my seat fork would be just fine and slowly walked out, holding my cold milk and hot coffee noodles. i managed to eat the complicated, piping hot tangle without spilling, but dribbled milk down my front. We passed the scene of an accident where a big rig was in such a torn and tangled state that it was impossible to determine how it had come to be in that position. i silently determined that the bewildered universe and out-of-place lightning was the cause. 14 hours later, i can't tell if the vortex has lifted or not.

Odds and Ends

i love the new Microsoft commercials with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. i know i'm alone in this but i don't care. They're obscure and long and Bill Gates is odd in a different way that most oddballs are odd, but i love them. i would watch a Gates and Seinfeld movie, even if- NO! especially if was just a very long version of these ads.

This morning Cosmo desperately wanted to be in the bathroom, so i made sure he would live to regret that and i pulled him into the shower with me and gave him a good scrubbing. We used Dove shampoo because he has real beauty, not like those fake airbrushed cats in all the ads. i'd forgotten how awesome he looks when he's dripping wet and how miraculous it is that i always make it out of those situations with all my main arteries in tact.

This evening we're flying to Washington on Alaska Airlines. (i hope the pilot doesn't get confused.) i checked in online and printed out our boarding passes on yellow paper so i'd be able to find them in my giant purple purse. i put a box of saltine crackers in my suitcase because flying gives me the barfs. This is why i don't have room for tennis shoes, Winter. We're staying with John and Kahlua tonight, and i wonder if she'll remember me and if she'll still be pretty. i'll probably come back with black dog hair all over me, and it'll mix with the omnipresent white dog hair and i'll look like a zebra.

i dreamt about credit union data last night. This is not a good sign.

This movie looks amazing. ->

A friend of a friend is going to be a contestant on a reality dating show on a major network. She had to tell the cameras what she loved about the guy, even though she has yet to meet him. Is anything about reality tv real anymore?

On Friday i'm going to do yoga for the first time. All signs point to it also being the last time, but don't place your bets just yet. i'm attracted to a fitness regiment that you can perform in bare feet and that doesn't involve being in water.

i'm kind of regretting putting that Meryl Streep picture up because it's scaring the bejesus out of me.

If you know someone who is not a U.S. Citizen or is otherwise denied voting rights, but would like to vote in this election, let me know, because i'm thinking of loaning my vote out. If you're upset, blame my friend Charlie for giving me the idea. i want my vote to go to someone who believes in the decision they're going to make. At this point, i'm not there, but we'll see. And not to underrate the democratic process, because i truly appreciate that my country is a democracy and that i can participate, but voting in presidential elections is just about the laziest way of using one's voice. One 5 minute action every four years does not make us involved citizens. Don't get me wrong, every time i've voted i've worn the 'I voted!' sticker proudly until it just won't stay on my shirt anymore, but if we want to see our country reach its potential then we have to do more than watch pundits gripe all day, vote, then gripe for 4 more years. There are elected officials who are paid to represent us and cannot do so if they don't know what we stand for. i'm using the first person plural because i'm about the laziest citizen there is, so if you're feeling defensive, it's only because you're a self-absorbed martyr and not because i'm attacking you. (Except for the part where i called you a self-absorbed martyr.) i'm done now. Just had to get this sticky stuff out of the way before Josh fixed the comments and people could argue with me.

texts without contexts

you take that back. i'm going to pretend you never said that.

"I made a Ralphwich - it tastes hurty."

SHUT UP! Oooooh-that said in a deep vibrato.

That was embarrassingly entertaining! Do it in 3D!

Ken LEEEE! A dibo de debowchu!

You know who else is weird? Republicans.

Help us Jeebus.

Do you guys have the gaZlbo?

Be joe is YUCK.

My brain engets both. i'm f&*%$d

never take antibiotics on an empty stomach and then try going to yoga. bad news bears.

Your hearts will clubbed and buried in the ground with a spade for a diamond? Or something witty?

i want to punch suede in his vagina.

How many hiphipsters does is take to screw in a lightbulb?

Uh. I'm definitely NOT watching the season finale of one tree hill. Why?

Earlier I was listening to a game warden and a man covered in pigeons talk about Vietnam.

I'm walking through a movie set in the West Village and a goth midget just ran into me.

What's a hold bikini? But that sounds awesome hommie!!

Overheard on the streets of NYC: "Ya, I'm surprised I didn't hit a drunk guy last night."

minus the part about babies, i agree with you.

you do realize that cannibalistic declaration will end up on my blog right?

but still come prepared for wine, doggies, giggling, yoga and very fancy cupcakes.

Juan on Juan.

Txt me back! You lima bean licker!

then iwill put this on list for when oyu are herew 111 oh man im drunk

I just say a woman on the back of a motorcycle with NO PANTS ON!

You just want andy & his elmo laugh anyway.

that last text better not end up on your blog.

i just accidentally spent $225 on a haircut and highlights.

i wish to jesus on high i could say corkskrew.

i just found a box in the basement that says "old time machine."

Hopping.

"Exploding Deer Population Causing Billions in Damage."

This weather makes me wish we were prancing outside of Lost Coast Brewery again.

Her name is Visitation Brochure.

Cibophobia (fear of food)

For about 25 years of my life i was terrified of bell peppers. i thought they'd be spicy (call me crazy, but i know from whence species of plant the mighty Jabanero comes from) so i didn't eat them. Ever. Not in my burritos, not in stir fry, never. Then one day The World's Most Patient Man (3 guesses as to who THAT is) convinced me to try a miniscule bite of a tiny piece of bell pepper, and i realized with great astonishment and profound sadness that they are not at all spicy and are downright delightful and that i've missed out on 25 years of marvelous bell pepperosity.

Another item kept far away from my tongue all my life has been avocado and its smushy cousin, guacamole. Yesterday at lunch i ordered a BLTA (since when did restraunts determine it was a crime to make a BLT without smearing green stuff all over it? Seriously. Every BLT and now just about every sandwich made in California is drowned in avocado.). Instead of telling them to leave the 'A' off entirely, Lyn convinced me to get it on the side and try it to make absolutely sure i didn't actually LIKE avocado. i complied and tried. Still hate avocado. IT'S GROSS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? Ugh. At least i can tell those Chipotle guys with 100% confidence that 'no, i do NOT want any of your dirty guac on my burrito!!' i'm a little sad, there's a lot of sushi i'm missing out on because of this aversion, but The Tongue has decided, and so shall it be. Long live The Tongue.

These occurances have convinced me that i need to re-test many other foods i've been avoiding for years and years or am utterly unclear as to my feelings. Here are the things left to tackle, let me know if you have an awesome recipe for any of them, i'll make Josh cook it up.:::
artichoke
almond
walnut
cashew
hummus
mango
papaya
kiwi
rye bread
coconut (i'm only doing this for you, Winter)
Mountain Dew
pastrami
whiskey
oriental chicken salad
oyster
rhubarb
bbq chicken pizza
stuffing (yeah, as in 'Thanksgiving')

my office is going to the dogs

Victory!! i campaigned for it and now my employer is inviting pooches to the office on October 10. In the words of our VP, "Take Your Dog to Work Day calls attention to the wonderful companions dogs make and encourages pet adoptions from animal shelters, humane societies and rescue groups." (it helped my cause that she's on the board of directors at Haven Humane Society) i hope it will go very well, have an overwhelmingly positive response, and result in more frequent doggie allowances. Monthly dog days!! DAILY dog days!!

If you'd like your employer to consider dog allowances, direct the big cheeses to any number of articles about the positive effects of dog-friendly work environs. Por ejemplo: "Two-thirds of dog owners would work longer hours and a third would take a pay cut if they could bring their pet to the office, according to a survey carried out by website Dogster.com and Simply Hired, an U.S. jobs website. [...] "Companies with dog-friendly policies just get it," said Ted Rheingold, CEO of Dogster. "They're breeding a class of happy and loyal employees. After all, who wouldn't be happy working with their best friend?"
Dogs help lower stress levels and build camaraderie among workers, Rheingold argued. [...]Companies that welcome dogs tend to be tech giants such as Apple, Amazon, and Google. But in general, small firms with fewer than 50 employees emerged as the most pet-friendly, with California having the lion's share of such companies."

The articles cite several reasons for the advantages, including employees not having to run home to care for dogs, not having to pay for dog sitters or walkers, and the calming presence of a furry friend sleeping under the desk. Some suggestions for keeping sanity in the office include a '3 strikes' rule for dogs with bathroom or behavior issues, providing antihistamines for allergic employees and visitors, zero tolerance flea policies, and baby or pet gates to keep critters out of the way of coworkers.

(Yup, that's a really cheesy picture. Deal with it.)

confession

i ate about 11 gummy worms on the way to work this morning. i feel kinda gross now.

Ban, Schman

Presently, i am working my way through Vladimir Nobokov's infamous novel, Lolita. i say 'working my way through' because i am listening to the audio version, masterfully rendered by Jeremy Irons, and when i tell people i am 'reading an audio book' they scoff and say i'm not 'reading', but rather 'listening'. i scoff at the scoffers and smack them in the face with a white glove. So reading can only be done with the eyes? Or, for the blind, with fingertips? Nonsense. It is being engaged with a story and i am equally if not more engaged with an audiobook than i am with any bundle of paper and ink. But i digress.
Lolita is scandalous book, telling the story of the obsession Humbert Humbert has for 12-year-old 'nymphet' Dolores Haze. It is masterfully written, albeit quite squirm-inducing. The most unfortunate side effect of my being engrossed in it is the nagging persistence of that old Police song, 'Don't Stand So Close To Me,' the lyrics of which i don't really know, except for the repetitve chorus, a few snatches of phrase and the part: 'He sees her/He starts to shake and cough/Just like the old man in/That book by Nabokov'. (folks, finding a way to cite and rhyme Nabokov is no small feat. Well done, Sting.) i can't get it out my head. i'm starting to go as nuts as Humbert.
Anyway, Nabokov had a bugger of a time finding an American publisher for his book, due to its subject matter and it was banned in Britain and France. Having this on my mind, i looked up other banned books and found out that the American Library Association's 'Banned Book Week' is annually in the last week of September. FYI. i'm telling you this in advance so you can pick out what piece of political salaciousness you can indulge in and thereby give a big middle finger to the prunes who wouldn't let you do your 5th grade book report on Lady Chatterly's Lover.
i found a list of banned books from Forbidden Library and a few other sites, and here are the ones i've already read, not realizing most of them had such sordid histories, along with their reasons for banishment: (it should be noted that a ban can range from a government forbidding its crossing the border, to an elementary school library refusing to carry it)
1984, by George Orwell- 'for being pro-communist'
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain - ' too full of racially charged language'
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carrol - banned in China 'for portraying animals and humans on the same level'
All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque - Banned in Nazi Germany for demoralizing and insulting the Wehrmacht
Animal Farm, also by Orwell - 'because of anti-Stalin theme'
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank - 'due to "sexually offensive" passages'
As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner - 'for language and for being anti-Christian'
Beloved, by Toni Morrison - 'because of its language'
The Holy Bible - William Tyndale, who partially completed translating the Bible into English, was captured, strangled, and burned at the stake (1536) by opponents of the movement to translate the bible into the vernacular. Beginning around 1830, "family friendly" bibles, including Noah Webster's version (1833) began to appear which had excised passages considered to be indelicate
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley - 'because the book "centered around negative activity'
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown - 'for being "slanted."'
The Call of the Wild, by Jack London - Banned in Italy (1929), Yugoslavia (1929), and burned in Nazi bonfires (1932).
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger- 'due to "profanity, reference to suicide, vulgarity, disrespect, and anti-Christian sentiments."'
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, by Roald Dahl- because it 'espoused a poor philosophy of life.'
The Color Purple, by Alive Walker - due to its "troubling ideas about race relations, man's relationship to God, African history, and human sexuality."'
The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown - Banned in Lebanon after Catholic leaders deemed it offensive to Christianity
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury - Ironically, students in Irvine, Calif. received copies of the book with scores of words--mostly "hells" and "damns"--blacked out. The novel is about censorship.
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley - 'as "indecent, objectionable, or obscene".'
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell - ' because it uses the word "nigger."'
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck - 'because the book uses the name of God and Jesus in a "vain and profane manner along with inappropriate sexual references."'
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathon Swift -'denounced as wicked and obscene in Ireland'
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare
Huckleberry Finn, also by Twain - 'for the use of the word "nigger"'
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou - 'due to the poet's descriptions of being raped as a young girl'
James & the Giant Peach, also by Dahl - 'because the book contains the word "ass" and "promotes" the use of drugs (tobacco, snuff) and whiskey....and encourages children to disobey their parents and other adults.' (James's guardians were abusive, so he ran away)
King Lear, also Shakespeare -'Lear was performed in drastically adapted form--and boasted a happy ending in which Lear is restored to the throne and Cordelia survives.'
Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman - 'for the use of explicit language in some poems'
A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstein - 'because the book "enourages children to break dishes so they won't have to dry them."...and because some poems "glorified Satan, suicide and cannibalism, and also encouraged children to be disobedient."'
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, by CS Lewis - 'because it depicts "graphic violence, mysticism, and gore."'
Little House in the Big Woods and Little House on the Prairie, by Laura Ingalls Wilder - 'because it "promotes racial epithets and is fueling the fire of racism."' and 'because the book is "offensive to Indians."'
The Lorax, by Dr. Suess - 'because it "criminalizes the foresting industry."'
The Martian Chronicles, also by Bradbury - ' for profanity and the use of God's name in vain.'
The Merchant of Venice, also by Shakespeare - 'due to its portrayal of the Jewish character, Shylock'
My Friend Flicka, by Mary OHara - 'because the book uses the word "bitch" to refer to a female dog, as well as the word "damn."'
The Odyssey, by Homer - 'Caligula tried to suppress it because it expressed Greek ideals of freedom.'
Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut - 'because of "foul language, a reference to 'Magic Fingers' attached to the protagonist's bed to help him sleep, and the sentence: 'The gun made a ripping sound like the opening of the fly of God Almighty.' "'
Song of Solomon, also by Morrison - 'because it contains language degrading to blacks, and is sexually explicit.'
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee - 'because the book "represents institutionalized racism under the guise of 'good literature'."'
Twelfth Night, also by Shakespeare - 'because of a policy that bans instruction which has "the effect of encouraging or supporting homosexuality as a positive lifestyle alternative."'
Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - ' because the novel contains the word "nigger."'
Welcome to the Monkey House, also by Vonnegut - 'because the book promoted "the killing off of elderly people and free sex."'
Where the Sidewalk Ends, also by Silverstein -'because the book "suggests drug use, the occult, suicide, death, violence, disrespect for truth, disrespect for legitimate authority, rebellion against parents."'
Where's Waldo?, by Martin Handford - 'because there is a tiny drawing of a woman lying on the beach wearing a bikini bottom but no top.'

Kind of crazy. Remember, these are just the ones i've read- there are many, many more out there kept off the shelves and out of backpacks. Fight the good fight. Read to your kids.

Eyeballing that Bucket

My book club got to discussing many ponderous, deeply felt things (like 'cockles') last night and wandered onto the subject of memoirs and 'bucket lists' (a list of things you want to do before you die). Some were for the idea of such lists, others were opposed. Should we measure our lives by a list of things we've done rather than relationships? And why is it the listed items so often require unlimited funds and free time? Anyway, last year i made a list of things i've never done and want to acheive before i turn 30. i think it's a good list. Being that i turned 27 last week (what? you missed the press release and parade?) i decided to revisit my list.

-read Anna Karenina - BEGUN
-introduce someone to Patrick's Point - DONE
-throw a karaoke party
-become awesome at racquetball
-stand behind a waterfall
-have my name on a door - DONE (well, on a desk, but in my company it's all the same)
-grow flowers
-learn Italian
-convince someone to name their baby after me
-go to India
-get that tattoo
-learn to skip stones - DONE
-dive / cartwheel / whistle - 1/3 DONE (i'm quite the whistler)
-preach
-beat Josh at something - DONE
-donate blood / bone marrow - 1/2 DONE (turns out i'm A+, now on to that spinal tap!)
-finish writing a story
-see the Grand Canyon
-bungee jump
-sell a painting
-volunteer somewhere non-sectarian

Yikes. i have a long way to go. Maybe i should bungee jump into the Grand Canyon and then get a commemorative tattoo. i'm not sure i still want to do some of these things (racquetball?? i don't even know where that came fom) and i want to go to Alaska or Mazatlan moreso than India these days, so the list is fluid. Let me know if you want to come along on any of these endeavors.

*sigh*

It's really hard to wake up on the day after your birthday and realize that you're not special and won't be for another year.

letter to josh on his wife's birthday

Dear Josh,

i know what you're thinking, 'is this blog just one long letter-writing campaign now?', to which i reply 'shut up, you know i'm cyclically obsessive and right now, it's Letters.'

As you pointed out this morning when you got out of the shower and realized that i'd (accidentally!) given you the yellow towel i used to dry off the dog when i washed her earlier this week, today is my birthday. i know i mildly suggested you redesign our website in time for this auspicious occasion, but when i got home from (more) birthday shopping last night and found you had locked yourself in the office with a beer and an online poker game while both pets sat at the closed door worrying about you, i determined that perhaps your stress level was a bit high and that i should attain a level of patience about this whole website thing. So this is me. Being patient. You know how ill-suited i am for patience, so i would like to recommend that you only require my patience for as long as i need to Learn A Valuable Lesson and then you reward me by giving me what i want or need or merely want but think i need. Yeah, kinda like dog training, i'm not ashamed to admit it.

So, dear spousie, i'm letting you off the hook for now. Mostly because i feel really bad about giving you that gnarly dog hair towel when you were all scrubby clean and dripping wet.

Sincerely,

Your humble, understanding, patient, fabulous, old, rock star wife.

and here are some of the pictures

Classic Lizzie.
















i got so excited about the 49ers i accidentally swallowed my lower lip.












Press pause, go die of Cute Overload, then come back.

She's an excellent driver.

As if we'd leave San Fran without getting sundaes.

We went to San Francisco.

(Obviously.)

We visited Matt and Brenda and Lizzie and Wahoo and yet-to-be-born Addie, who are all there while Matt does something medical-y for a month. It was super, super, super, super fun. i could list all the things we did, which you'd skim over and promptly forget, or i could share this lovely anecdote with you.
Embarcadero. Lizzie in stroller, the rest of us desperately searching for breadbowls. Oddball guy, presumably homeless, approaches and waves at Lizzie.
Matt: "Say 'hi' Lizzie."
Oddball guy: "Hi Lizzie!" (tell me that's not hilarious! it gets better)
Oddball guy: "Hey there Lizzie Potato!"*
Then asks Matt for money.

*Certain members of our party believe Mr. Oddball actually said "Hey there Elizabeth Taylor!" The rest of the party members voted and Josh is wrong and he totally called her Lizzie Potato. Either way, it was weird and funny.
Josh took fantabulous pictures which i will post later this eve. i can tell you're very excited.

love letter to The City

Dear San Francisco,

i love you. Of all my city-crushes, you have the most longevity. i feel like we're childhood sweethearts. My first memory of you was when i met you on my 8th grade trip and you showed me Phantom of the Opera and boated me around Alcatraz and stuffed me with saltwater taffy and i took lots of pictures with Jamileh. (who, in fact, LIVES with you now, so how about that?!) i've been back many times hence. i can't stay away from you! Even when i lived far away in San Diego i was drawn to you and you provided a single hotel room for me and my 9 friends on our road trip. This is the force of my attraction to you, San Francisco: i have the audacity to bring my husband into our little escapades. i can't resist playing with fire! What else have you given me....oh, twice i've met up with Old Chum Chrystal within your Golden Gates, three Giants games in that Park To Beat All Parks, a rare and cute li'l victory for the 49ers, escapades with Erin, Matt and the Rostens, shopping, getting my hair did by Margaret with Other Kallie, shopping, flying out to Hawaii with the Moores, BARTing around with David, lunching with Korina, shopping, and most recently, strollering around with LizziePotato and Matt and Brendafer. You have such a lovely park, SF! i never knew that. Your balance of urban development and natural beauty is an impressive feat, and it's more than just that you're an island. How convenient was it that you offered a Japanese tea garden the day after i finish a huge novel about a Japanese tea house? Pretty clever SanFranny. You're the home of so many great things: The Pursuit of Happyness, The Mighty B, the hippie movement... there's no topping you! i admit that your being true-blue NorCal makes me love you even more, even if that's not fair to Portland. And oh- you have a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf! that just about closes the deal!! i like your towering hills, though i confess they frustrate me sometimes. i love the buzzy cable car sound and the bread bowls. You loom out there in the ocean like a spooky mirage, and there's no city like you. Oh Saint Frank, what are we going to do? i know you deserve more from me than occasional visits and professions of adoration, but you're a costly city to live in and i'm just such a fickle waif. i can only promise that you, first city of my heart, will forever remain such.

Yours in chocolate and chowder,

Kallie

things i determined this weekend

Wood paneling is the devil

i need much more bookshelving

White dogs are impossible to keep clean

i probably shouldn't wear a diamond ring while i paint

Watermelon is just as good as Hersheys bars

i need a studio to artify in; no space = no art

Pebble is my new favorite wall color

does anyone really fall for this stuff?

Behold: the scammiest e-mail in my junk folder to date....with my comments, of course.
____________
My name is Richard Cooper, I am emailing you on behalf of BellHouse Fabrics & Interiors, United Kingdom. I would like to know if you would like to work online from home and get paid without affecting your present job or even affecting your day-to-day activities of any kind, actually we need a representative who can work for our company as an Online Payment Processor. (i would like to know if you've ever heard of a run-on sentence Richard actually i would like to know if i am wondering if you're even British)

We are presently making waves in the United Kingdom & Northern Ireland fabric markets, (so, do you make waves or fabric? i'm confused) we intend expanding our business towards the United States of America by accepting orders from both individuals and companies within USA. We recently placed Ad's on online websites (you mean they have websites ONLINE now? nifty! i thought they were only on tree trunks) for sales of our fabrics and got a very good number of requests for our products,however it is against our company policy to accept International Payments such as : USA Certified Checks, USA Bank Wire Transfers, USA Money Orders (Don't you think you should've thought of that before you placeed the Ad's on the online internet websites?). Therefore, we are requesting your partnership to assist in receiving payments on behalf of our company.

We are willing to pay you 10% for every payment processed through you from our clients/customers who will pay for their products which are purchased from our secure website stated above (payments processed for customers who pay for their products purchased...sorry, i just had to write that out to follow along). These payments are coming from these clients within USA and will be sent to you directly from our customers, all you have to do is lodge and cash each payment (great, another loser payment looking for a few free weeks lodging on my couch, eating my food, and making a mess of my bathroom), deduct 10% and forward 90% to our Payment Processing Center via Western Union Money Transfer / MoneyGram Money Transfer. All sending fee's are to be deducted from our 90%, however you will be required to have a valid checking account in which our customers might request to make payment either via Wire Transfer (Bank to Bank Transfer) or either via Certified Check. (so... which are your customers: the italian mobsters who love fabric, the irish mobsters who love fabric, or the shady oil tycoons who love fabric?)

You do not require any special skills to work with our firm (just an open checking account and an empty frontal lobe), however in order to apply for this job you need to ensure you have access to your e-mail regularly and reply to our e-mails promptly. You will also need to provide us with a valid phone in which you can be reached at anytime in case of any special update (an example of a 'special update' is: "Kallie, this Roger Cooper-" "don't you mean Richard Cooper?" "What? oh yeah, whatever, Richard. Anyway, it's very important that you--" "Heyy, what happened to your British accent Richard?" "SON OF A! Would you just listen? Take the account number, drive to the airport, and wait by the California Pizza Kitchen until i call you okay? leave now!"), in order to accept this job kindly fill the form stated below :

Full Name : (include any previous names, preferred aliases and mother's maiden name)
Address :
City :
State :
Country :
Zip Code :
Phone Number :
Age : (only put 18 if you really could pass for 18 should anyone ask questions)
Current Occupation :
Bank Name:

P.S: You must have a valid checking account (uhh, ya, you mentioned that already) in which can be used to receive payments being sent from a customer, this might be via Wire Transfer or Direct Deposit (or brown paper wrapped package or stuffed inside a child's doll or taped to a brick thrown through your window).

Kindly get back to me ASAP by filling the form stated above, once i hear from you i will immediately send you a reply with further information.

Regards,

Richard Cooper. (oh, i didn't think you were legit until i saw that you put a period at the end of your name. Sign me up Richie!)

and by guidelines i mean demands

Dear JOSHUA,

Here is what i've come up with for guidelines in the redesign of this site. i think you have my cell phone number in case you have any questions. If not, you can call my mom and she'll give you my number because i know you two are secret 'whisper-about-kallie's-strange-insecurities-and- how-they-effect-you' buddies. Yeah. i've known for a while now.

Ø No fatty margins. I don’t want a medium-length post about my Hershey-bar-breakfast to look like the book of Deuteronomy because only 5 words fit on a line.

Ø YouTube postability please. It’s an essential way to force my humor on others.

Ø Photo-of-the-day section. The logic being that it will encourage us (which, let's face it, is really ME) to take more pictures, because eventually our friends will tire of being fully responsible for photodocumenting our lives.

Ø Suggested colors include grey and aubergine, or a combination of the two. Not necessary, but it might discourage me from painting every room of ‘your house’ (your words, not mine) grey. Just a reminder: these little obsessions of mine are not arbitrary- they are the result of me being a very stylish, on-trend lady and it is in your best interest to not resist them.

Ø Passage-of-the-week section. Of the Bible, you say? HA! No silly! Of fictional novels that I read and enjoy. It is my duty to Karl and Bettina to make use of their fine educating and until I determine how to do that, I will post paragraphs of wordy stuff on my bloggyblog.

Ø If you could figure out how to sell ad space and generate steady, humble income for all this gibberish, well, sir, i may be so thankful i just might cook you a meal!

That's all. Just a reminder, my birthday is in 20 days, but my mom probably already told you that when you two went shoe shopping together last week.

-Kal
---oh yeah - and a usable comments section, if you please.