Rabbits from Hats

i added 2 more poems to the page. 'War Meal' i randomly found in my car or purse or something and i have no clue when i wrote it or what i really meant by it, so interpretations are welcome. 'Sunset on the River and the City' has been floating around in my head for several weeks: i was going home from work and drove over the Sacramento River while the sun was setting and the entire Western face of downtown Sac was liquid gold and the river was crazy-pink. i'm not crazy about the title so i'm having a contest: cookies for whoever comes up with a better one. Those who refuse to publicly comment can send emails :]

k

Those crazy Gilmores

Funny line on Gilmore Girls the other day that i just now remembered. Lorelai had unexpectedly received $75,000 from an investment she didn't know she had.

L: "$75,000! That's alot of money and it's mine!"

Rory: "I guess that makes you rich."

L: "I guess so. And I find myself suddenly agreeing with everything George W. Bush has to say."

YAY FOR JER-BEAR

A big Happity Birthaday goes out to my dad, who turns 23 or 55 or something today (numbers aren't my thing). Hope it's a superiffic one Dad, see you soonish!!

kal
<- Google's idea of Jerry Baker. i think it's appropriate. :)

Top 5 DRB Songs

In honor of the alleged release of the alleged new album by the band who cried 'New Album,' here are my Top 5 Derren Raser Band songs.

"Crazy, Crazy"
"Somewhere in the Middle of Love"
"Run, Jesse, Run"
The one about the dinosaur bedspread
"Spartacus"

And NONE are about me! Do i get extra points for humbility?

Monkey-Woman

Today i got a lesson from my boss on how to use the paper slicer. Think about that one. A paper slicer. There's only one way TO use a paper slicer. There's no wrong way...besides sticking your tonuge under the blade. But i think we can all agree that an inbred monkey fresh off the short bus could figure out how to use a paper slicer. This goes into the archives alongside the lesson i got in saving my work before i close the program. i'm curious how he thinks i got through college without knowing about that whole 'save before you close' trick. There are others too....like how to make copies and how to lock the door, but i think the paper slicer is the best so far.

Dilbert

(aka Kal)

Just when you thought there were no single people left from the class of '03...

Now Mark Samples is engaged! Mark proposed to the lovely Jenny last weekend and they will be married and have smiley, musical children. (that's not a pic of Mark or Jenny, but it is what you get when you google 'Mark Samples')

So much for napping at my desk

They're replacing the sidewalk outside my office, which means jackhammering the old sidewalk to oblivion and ensuring i don't get a wink of the nap due me. In other news, i've come up with the perfect name for a goth-metal band:

THE FLAMING TWEEZERS

Feel free to use it for all your goth-metal needs, but give to Kallie what is Kallie's.

Oooh... bubbles!

Funny new show: My Name Is Earl. Why? Because when Earl (Jason Lee, who is my secret boyfriend) has to go to a gay bar he invites his deadbeat brother Randy (Ethan Suplee) along for protection. "Randy was opposed to going, until he found out there would be bubbles."

Wedding # 458

(Niemy's new purse) (shish-ka-salmonella)
Professional Wedding Guests Inc. (aka our group of friends) was at it again this weekend, marrying off our dear Rachel Evans to new member Jason Jenkins. This time we got to add caterering to our resume' as we prepared and executed a mighty fine Shish-ka-bbq. We're pretty sure only 2 people got sick from under-cooked meat, but don't worry, we're not liable. Blame the sun for setting and making it darn hard to see whether or not the meat was done. The wedding was mucho fun, mostly due to sugar-overload from WAY too many bundles of jelly beans and we showed the Pentecostals how Nazarenes REALLY dance (as in, ethusiastically but without rhythm). On Saturday we had the usual fun at the Scholler house and got to see Brodie The Dog model the latest in canine mohawk shaving and i bowled a 96 WITH gutter-bumpers. (i'm THAT good.) Our pics of the ceremony didn't turn out, so check out David's if you're curious. Cosmo played Ben to Lola's Mrs. Robinson and gave her a weekend she'll never forget. Hopefully they'll be able to reunite soon and finish that crazy feline dance of love.

k

The Woman Who Invented This Is Brilliant

i ran across these in Safeway today. They're artificial pumpkins that look and carve just like the real veggies only without all the mess and decay. And given the fact that our senior year pumpkin-carving party caused a balcony covered in nasty mold (sea air + gutted produce = putrescence), i intend to get one and carve the bejesus out of it.

kal

Me + I-5 = BFF

Just to warn you: there will be no Top 5 this Friday, as i will be in San Diego and will be having more fun than a Top 5 can supply. i know, i'm sorry. Stop crying, it isn't becoming. Blow your nose. Seriously.

Anyway, we're driving to Redlands tonight, where we will arrive super late, sleep for a few hours, then get up in time to make it to San Diego by 7:30am to drop my car off at Captain Wonderful's shop. Then three days later we'll drive back up. What would be FUN is if there was a ginormous zoo stretched all along I-5 so we'd have fun stuff to look at on the World's Longest Drive. Make it happen, Dad.

Sucks to be a weed.

Yesterday we did yard work @ Meadows Depot, a drug-rehabilitation center/halfway house for women and their children. The man who runs it is very sick w/cancer and can't take care of the facilities anymore, so our church is stepping in. Anyway, after mowing the lawn for too long (it's a big lawn) i switched off to weed-whacker duty, which is MUCH more fun. i think it satisfies some inner, supressed need for violence, because i had a fantastic time doing it, despite very sore thumbs today. And i always said, "If you can safely satisfy a hunger for violence while in the service of the Lord Almighty, do it."

kal

Belated Top 5

(i'm pretty stoked b/c i just figured out that my cat plays fetch, which is awesome and nearly makes him as cool as a dog.)

THE TOP 5 SONGS IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW

Alanis Morrisette: That I Would Be Good
Coldplay: Fix You
Death Cab for Cutie: Lack of Color
Wallflowers w/Adam Duritz: 6th Ave. Heartache
Bright Eyes: Perfect Sonnet

Honorable Mention: Come Thou Fount, b/c i realized that i've been singing the wrong words all this time and i like the real words better.

New Addictions

My favorite new TV show is Rescue Me, starring & written & produced by Denis Leary. It's about New York firemen. i know it sounds lame to say this, but it's got it all. VERY funny at times, but also downright gritty & creative. Here's a brief synopsis in case you catch an episode & want to know what's going on (& cuz i have no life):

Denis Leary is Tommy Gavin, an Irish NY firefighter trying to cope w/his bad marraige, his drinking problem, & his cousin Jimmy's death on 9/11. His marraige hits the skids right around the time he goes to dinner with Jimmy's widow Sheila. Long story short, Sheila ends up pregnant. (Later she has a miscarriage, she & Tommy break up, & she becomes lesbian with an abusive girlfriend) Tommy almost gets fellow firefighter Franco (who's VERY easy on the eyes, girls) killed & Franco, who recently became the single parent of a little girl by his gonzo ex-girlfriend, gets addicted to pain killers while beginning a relationship with Laura, the only woman at Ladder 62. Mike is the rookie who worries he might be gay after he, um, responds to a male doctor during a check for testicular cancer. Chief Reilly is a nice guy trying to keep Ladder 62 from going to heck & making awkward efforts toward accepting his son's homosexuality, but his wife is struggling from a mean case of Alzheimers (& i think she killed herself on Tuesday night). Kenny, aka Lou, got divorced after he & his wife both discovered that the other was having an affair. Now he's trying to help his current girlfriend buy her freedom from her pimp. Tommy's dad John is a crazy old irishman who went off & married a crazy old Chinese millionaire with like, 19 cats. She keels over & dies while John's away & gets partially eaten by her cats. Instead of getting his $62 million, John gets $50,000. (The rest goes to a cat cancer charity.) Out of the blue a priest contacts Tommy & his bro Johnny, a detective, to tell them that he's the illegitimate son of their father. Oh yeah, & Tommy is 'visited' regularly by his dead cousin Jimmy, Jesus, & other not-alive people. He has a crazy imagination. AND, on Tuesday night, Tommy & Janet's son Connor was killed by a hit & run while out riding his bike.

i know what you're thinking: This is a depressing soap opera disguised as a firefighter show & Kallie's an idiot. But i promise it really is good drama! and it really is funny! Tommy is a fascinating character, despite the rough edges. Anyway, i like it and Josh does too, so watch it sometime.

On Why Bikes and Horses are Cool

i've spent $130.17 on gas in the past 9 days.

k

Top 5 Theories On Why Katie and Bobby Don't Email Us

Disclaimer: KaBob came and visited us in Elk Grove, which guarantees them a mansion in Heaven. But they almost NEVER email! Here's my ideas why:

They're waiting for the most opportune moment to announce that special bundle of expenses some sentamentalists call 'a baby.'

They've been emotionally kidnapped by hippies, euthanasia advocates, hikers, or some other Oregonian group, and now they're burning bridges to their 'unenlightened past' (aka US).

They stumbled upon a massive under-Portland oil reserve and are subsequently filthy, filthy rich and don't want to share with us.

They're so hooked on their ability to Netflix every season of 'Northern Exposure' that they spend all their spare time in front of the tube.

They're too busy searching for the perfect puppy or kitten: something with brown hair, big blue eyes, a toothy grin and killer dance moves.

This is the puppy i'm going to steal.

Don't tell Matt and Brenda.