Halloween:
when children can wear their hero's shoes
and their fantasy’s crown,
be bigger than a nightmare
and turn a monster into nothing but a mask.
The curtain call for every PlayDate
and dress-up rehearsal,
all the world a fabulously-dressed guest,
a sparkling and ghoulish theatergoer.
Each takes her turn,
then his,
emerging from offstage as
Mistress Goddess Queen of Glamour Herself
and King Dragon Slayer Captain Triumph.
At the last call, to the applause of onethousand
bronze-armed trees and the grinning glee of
each glowing gourd face,
they rise
red and blue capes,
broomsticks and
rocketshoes,
fairy wings and wands swirling breathlessly
into the red carpet sky,
snapped clean by the admiring wind.
They shine,
and light up the night of the last great show of the season.
October 30, 2006
October 29, 2006
Yes, we know. We're clever.
We went to a Halloween Party last night, the kind where you're required to wear a costume. We weren't really stoked on the costume thing, but after talking with Winter about their dress-up genius, we got in the spirit and were able to pull off some crowd favorites with just a little bit of wit and stitching. What follows are instructions on how to put together two great costumes out of stuff you probably already have and that allow you to not look or feel like an idiot.
THE MENTAL PATIENT
Start with white linen pants, or blue/grey/tan. Doesn't have to be linen, but avoid flannels and sweats, otherwise you just look sleepy. No denim, and preferably no pockets. Next: a long sleeve shirt in any of the aforementioned colors, worn inside out. On the back, write or pin/sew a square that says some variation of: "Sac County Mental Corrections, Patient 34052." On the front, do the same with just your patient id #. This also helps defend you against that awful "What are you supposed to be?" question. With arms in the sleeves, cross them in the front and tie/sew/pin them as far back as is comfortable. This acheives the 'straight jacket' look. Extra points if you can include buckles or leather belts. Complete the attire with mismatched footwear. I chose one slipper and one flip-flop, with a hole-y blue and orange sock on under the flipflop. (Remember- mental patients don't get shoes with laces!) Top it off with the appropriate hair and make-up: Hair should be bedheaded and disheveled, the messier the better, maybe even a bit dirty. This is easiest to accomplish with short hair, and even better if you can acheive the 'choppy, super-short bangs' a la Angelina and Penelope in Girl, Interrupted and Gothika, respectively. (note: your arms are restrained, so avoid having too much hair in your face) Finally: break with continuity and, if you're female, apply make-up. Extensive and haphazard application is best. Black or dark eyeliner all around the top and bottom of the eye (smeared strategically to make sure you don't look like you've been punched twice) gives off that mad-woman, Mommie-Dearest, Hell-hath-no-fury vibe. Effective: sad and crazy. Upon arriving at the party and 'playing your part', the eye makeup really comes into its own when you make your 'I once ate 3 forks because the couch told me to' crazy face. To counterbalance the disturbing eyes, find the reddest lipstick you can and apply it to most of your lips and a little bit of your face-around-the-lips. This says, "i'm unstable enough to have to wear this straight jacket when i go on field trips, but i have just enough semblance of sanity to know that a proper lady never leaves the house without her lippy!" It makes for a more rounded and sympathetic character. If you have a partner, they can wear all white, carry a bunch of keys and a bottle of pills/syringe, and be your 'handler'.
THE NOT-LYING / NOT-KLEPTO
Dress in your usual attire. Opt for cargo pants and, if possible, a logo-free shirt or sweater with a pocket. Attach/iron on/sharpie the following on the front: I AM NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC, and on the back: OR A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. Carry a nondescript bag, like a pillowcase in the same color as your pants or shirt. Upon arriving at the party, your bag should already contain some random items, ie: a remote control, a dvd, a shoe obviously belonging to a person of the opposite sex, a condiment, and some item of personal value to someone other than yourself, like a framed photo or wallet. This costume is more about performance than look. When you arrive at the party, and people ask you what you're supposed to be, say "Just me tonight. ...unlike that one time i was running secret government ops in Turkmenistan and i had wear a glass eye and forge the identity of a shemale taxi-driver. That was an experience, man." Then take the food/beverage/cell phone/etc out of your friend's hand and walk away, putting said item in your bag. Forethought is very effective; if the hostess is preparing to serve snacks, steal something essential, like the stack of paper plates. If you know people will be making use of the billiard table, steal the white ball. Sneak off to the front entrance and snag keys, shoes, umbrellas, etc. If other costumes involve props like swords, wands, and pom-poms, look for opportunities when the wearer sets their accessory down to pour a drink. The host or hostess is the best target. They are mostly likely distracted by activity and are the central party-figure, so stealing their stuff is the best way to get people to enjoy your costume. Which brings us to the accusations: someone will no doubt take notice of your theft and call you out. This is when indignance comes into play. "I'm just here enjoying the festivities! Why are you being like this? I didn't behave this way when my Porsche and my prize shi-tzu Tammy were stolen on that trip to Reno, did I?" Involving your 'pathological liar' identity helps deflect from the theft. When people insist on looking in your mysterious bag, take umbrage. "I'm not going through your pockets! I could, since I'm an Honorary Federal Deputy because of my work in the JonBenet Ramsey case, but I'm not." Then walk away. Removing yourself from the situation frees you from committing any of your lies to stories. Short lies are good too. When a fellow partier compliments the food, say "Yeah, rice krispy treats. My three adopted Namibian kids love em with M & Ms. Hey, how are you liking that new stereo system you installed?" Changing the subject disallows them from responding to your lie. Extra bonus points if you can get the host's docile pet to stay in your bag until a partygoer notices. Some items won't fit in your bag: an umbrella, a wok, a candelabara. Like the pet, these stolen items are meant to be noticed and removed, but be sure to blame someone else for their 'mysterious' presence in your possession. Finally, don't forget to return stolen items as people leave or at the end of the night. It won't be fun for them if they end up locked out of their house because your klepto-d their keys and forgot to give them back, or if you stole part of a rented costume.
Hopefully it's not too late in Halloween-season for you to use these tips. Have fun with them! Your friends will too!
THE MENTAL PATIENT
Start with white linen pants, or blue/grey/tan. Doesn't have to be linen, but avoid flannels and sweats, otherwise you just look sleepy. No denim, and preferably no pockets. Next: a long sleeve shirt in any of the aforementioned colors, worn inside out. On the back, write or pin/sew a square that says some variation of: "Sac County Mental Corrections, Patient 34052." On the front, do the same with just your patient id #. This also helps defend you against that awful "What are you supposed to be?" question. With arms in the sleeves, cross them in the front and tie/sew/pin them as far back as is comfortable. This acheives the 'straight jacket' look. Extra points if you can include buckles or leather belts. Complete the attire with mismatched footwear. I chose one slipper and one flip-flop, with a hole-y blue and orange sock on under the flipflop. (Remember- mental patients don't get shoes with laces!) Top it off with the appropriate hair and make-up: Hair should be bedheaded and disheveled, the messier the better, maybe even a bit dirty. This is easiest to accomplish with short hair, and even better if you can acheive the 'choppy, super-short bangs' a la Angelina and Penelope in Girl, Interrupted and Gothika, respectively. (note: your arms are restrained, so avoid having too much hair in your face) Finally: break with continuity and, if you're female, apply make-up. Extensive and haphazard application is best. Black or dark eyeliner all around the top and bottom of the eye (smeared strategically to make sure you don't look like you've been punched twice) gives off that mad-woman, Mommie-Dearest, Hell-hath-no-fury vibe. Effective: sad and crazy. Upon arriving at the party and 'playing your part', the eye makeup really comes into its own when you make your 'I once ate 3 forks because the couch told me to' crazy face. To counterbalance the disturbing eyes, find the reddest lipstick you can and apply it to most of your lips and a little bit of your face-around-the-lips. This says, "i'm unstable enough to have to wear this straight jacket when i go on field trips, but i have just enough semblance of sanity to know that a proper lady never leaves the house without her lippy!" It makes for a more rounded and sympathetic character. If you have a partner, they can wear all white, carry a bunch of keys and a bottle of pills/syringe, and be your 'handler'.
THE NOT-LYING / NOT-KLEPTO
Dress in your usual attire. Opt for cargo pants and, if possible, a logo-free shirt or sweater with a pocket. Attach/iron on/sharpie the following on the front: I AM NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC, and on the back: OR A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. Carry a nondescript bag, like a pillowcase in the same color as your pants or shirt. Upon arriving at the party, your bag should already contain some random items, ie: a remote control, a dvd, a shoe obviously belonging to a person of the opposite sex, a condiment, and some item of personal value to someone other than yourself, like a framed photo or wallet. This costume is more about performance than look. When you arrive at the party, and people ask you what you're supposed to be, say "Just me tonight. ...unlike that one time i was running secret government ops in Turkmenistan and i had wear a glass eye and forge the identity of a shemale taxi-driver. That was an experience, man." Then take the food/beverage/cell phone/etc out of your friend's hand and walk away, putting said item in your bag. Forethought is very effective; if the hostess is preparing to serve snacks, steal something essential, like the stack of paper plates. If you know people will be making use of the billiard table, steal the white ball. Sneak off to the front entrance and snag keys, shoes, umbrellas, etc. If other costumes involve props like swords, wands, and pom-poms, look for opportunities when the wearer sets their accessory down to pour a drink. The host or hostess is the best target. They are mostly likely distracted by activity and are the central party-figure, so stealing their stuff is the best way to get people to enjoy your costume. Which brings us to the accusations: someone will no doubt take notice of your theft and call you out. This is when indignance comes into play. "I'm just here enjoying the festivities! Why are you being like this? I didn't behave this way when my Porsche and my prize shi-tzu Tammy were stolen on that trip to Reno, did I?" Involving your 'pathological liar' identity helps deflect from the theft. When people insist on looking in your mysterious bag, take umbrage. "I'm not going through your pockets! I could, since I'm an Honorary Federal Deputy because of my work in the JonBenet Ramsey case, but I'm not." Then walk away. Removing yourself from the situation frees you from committing any of your lies to stories. Short lies are good too. When a fellow partier compliments the food, say "Yeah, rice krispy treats. My three adopted Namibian kids love em with M & Ms. Hey, how are you liking that new stereo system you installed?" Changing the subject disallows them from responding to your lie. Extra bonus points if you can get the host's docile pet to stay in your bag until a partygoer notices. Some items won't fit in your bag: an umbrella, a wok, a candelabara. Like the pet, these stolen items are meant to be noticed and removed, but be sure to blame someone else for their 'mysterious' presence in your possession. Finally, don't forget to return stolen items as people leave or at the end of the night. It won't be fun for them if they end up locked out of their house because your klepto-d their keys and forgot to give them back, or if you stole part of a rented costume.
Hopefully it's not too late in Halloween-season for you to use these tips. Have fun with them! Your friends will too!
October 26, 2006
reminder...
October 31st is a great evening to do your Christmas shopping (don't hate me for bringing It up) because you probably just got paid, the malls stay open their regular hours, and there are no crowds... except for the weirdos who take their kids trick-or-treating at the mall, which = depressing. You'll be glad you did it so early. ...unless all the people you got gifts for decide to wait til December 19th to tell you they all talked and decided not to exchange gifts this year!! If you have relatives/friends/in-laws who are capable of pulling this dastardly trick, remember to keep your receipts. Then sneak expired eggnog into their mugs when they're not looking.
October 23, 2006
movie review
The PrestigeChristian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine ....and a guy they call DAVID BOWIE
Ok. This movie is about two magicians, Rupert Angier (Jackman) and Alfred Borden (Bale) who begin as friends and quickly become rivals. Their rivalry is not the fun kind- it's bitter and violent. Each man tries to trip up, one up, and mess up the other as they struggle to become the premiere magician in turn-of-the-century London. Trapped in the battle are Cutter (Michael Caine, complete with his cockney accent) as Angier's partner and engineer, Olivia (Scarlett Johansson) as the beautiful-assistant-turned-bait, and Borden's wife and daughter. When Borden appears to master 'The Vanishing Man' and Angier can't figure out how he does it, Angier goes to America to track down the infamous Nikola Tesla (David Bowie) and get some answers.
It is twists and turns, obsessions, deceit and it gets violent. In retrospect, there were only a few incidents of violence, but the intimacy of them leaves a significant mark on the movie so that it feels much more violent than it actually was. i couldn't decide whether i was on Angier's team or Borden's. Borden is the bad guy, but Angier's obsession is so intense that it's like watching your friend battle an unhealthy addiction. For this reason, the movie seems repetitive, but only until the next twist. Just when you think you can expect a certain outcome, it switches, then switches back, then flips inside out. It's all so spinny and interwoven that the four of us who went all had different understandings of the what and why and who. i should've known it would be so dark and twisty: it was written and directed by Christopher Nolan, who did Memento, Insomnia and Batman Begins. Ultimately its about not accepting the world as it is, and trying to make something more out of it....whether you're genuinely making magic, or just employing a little slight of hand to make people 'ooh' and 'ahh' and escape for an hour or so. It's lavish, intense and addictive. And easy on the eyes :P
Highly recommended- 4 out of 5 smashed canaries
October 19, 2006
Sooo...does this mean i don't exist?
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October 18, 2006
gourd-tastic
At Ye Olde Annual Pumpkin Demolishing In The Name Of Art & Agritainment, i won the 'over achiever award' for sculpting TRES veggies. Here are the rest of the many-improvised-award-winning entries. They include 'Is That A Penguin?', 'Conjoined Twins', 'I Like Trees, OK?', 'Artsy Square Things', 'Ode To Tim Burton' and 'I Didn't Know Pumpkins Had Nostrils':
Then SOMEONE decided to be a diva and stick a road flare in his pumpkin. i won't say who, but his name doesn't rhyme with anything because it's Travis. Anyway, here are los pumpkinos in the lig
ht.
After the Fest, i went with Bondy (Bonnie & Andy) and Tyler & Heather (Tyther?) to the Hawes Ranch Corn Maze. TEN ACRES of 12ft tall corn with THREE MILES of trail in the shape of Johnny Cash (cuz that's how we roll in the Rdg) and we went at 11:30 at night with no map or flashlight. There were guys who would jump out of the corn with chainsaws...which was a tiny bit scary, if you like massive understatements. Just when we thought we were close to the end, we came across stairs and a bridge-lookout-thingy that allowed us to mount and observe that, oh no, we were nowhere near the beginning, we were in the dead center of Johnny. (in retrospect, i should've known they wouldn't put the lookout-thingy near the finish line) Oy. So, once more into the darkness and a few wrong turns later, we made it out (physically) unharmed.
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