musings on expectation

When you're 18 years old the law says, 'We trust you to handle cigarettes responsibly but not alcohol.' The United States says, 'Here, help us choose our government's leaders, but you cannot rent a car, even though we gave you a driver's license 2 years ago.' Society says, 'Okay now, you've lived roughly 1/4th of your life, now you must decide what you're going to do with the remaining 3/4ths,' and it sends you to college and tells you to pick the right course of study because that will determine your career and how you'll fit in with everyone else for the next half century.

Tell me, those of you who have children: is the 7 or 10 or 12 year old anything like the 1 year old? The personality might be the same, but i imagine there are distinct differences. How is an 18 or 20 year old to know any more about his 60 year old self that your toddler will now about his middle school self? And yet....and yet.

Strangers and acquaintances remark about my bachelor's degrees being in Literature and Theology and how they surely are not serving me now. To some extent, my education is thus perceived as 'wasted' or, more kindly, 'misdirected.' For most of the last 5 post-undergraduate years i have bought into this method of thinking, but not so much any more.

When i was 18 my passion was for writing and literature and i had at my disposal professionals highly trained in developing my skills for appreciating such things. That i made the decision to accept this training and not training in something more 'marketable' but surely less palatable like Journalism or Organizational Administration somehow makes me a 'directionless dreamer'. (i admire those who have passion about administrating and organizing, mostly because i'm incapable of either.) By studying that which i was passionate about, i ensured i would retain such passion for many years to come, if not the rest of my life, and that passion would bring me happiness. (Simplistic? Sure.) When i was 20 i developed a thirst for answers about God and added another course of study that would provide insight and direction for my journey. That i didn't become a pastor, theologian or even learn one of the biblical languages doesn't mean it was a waste of my time, money and energies and the time and energies of my teachers. It means i learned all i could while the learning was there for the taking. Why is such an attitude not celebrated? Simply because you can't draw a straight line from my diploma to my pay stub? (Defensive? Indeed.)

Many are certain at 18 about what they want to do at 50. They choose study and training for that purpose, whether it be their chief passion or not, and if not, they make time for their passions. i envy them on a very, VERY regular basis.

Yes, i'm frustrated that i'm perceived as 'lost' or 'unmotivated' or 'lacking identity.' Though, a great deal of the time i genuinely feel i am all of those things. But i don't regret my degrees. My education has served me well in ways that can't be measured on business cards or tax returns. That i'm not set and pointed for the next 2/3rds of my life are at times terrifying and liberating. i have friends who made all the 'right' educational moves and accompanying career moves and now loathe it all. (others still love it all) i'm fairly certain that had i made more 'practical' choices in college i would be one of those punch-drunk young professionals who hate their jobs AND the educations that put them there. i at least only hate my job, and since it's only a job and not a career representing the last ten years/one-third of my life, i don't have to hate myself or my life either. When i had an impressive job with office and title, i realized i valued it more for how it sounded than for what it was or what it provided to my mind. (and it didn't have that much to do with my b.a. degrees anyway)

All this to say, yes, i am metaphorically wandering around right now. i don't love wandering, but it sure beats standing on one of those moving walkways. Hopefully soon i will have a more precise direction in which to wander. When all is said and done i will at least have left an interesting trail.

texties, part zillion

(these are texts in my phone's inbox, transcribed exactly (except the swears, because i have to have principles or something))

nuthing but bud for me! there's a reason it's called the king of beers!

Ah yes, the bremerton to redding light rail. First thing on obama's agenda.

peanut butter on the other end of the cuetip

Barf. I only eat healthy fast food.

I smell like a high schooler - cologne, gum and hormones.

Is it at mother 10?

Mr halfblood prince, I AM happy to see you. And, yes, that IS a wand in my pocket.

F*&% yeah, gonna save the mothaeffin day yeah

The colored ones make me think of skittles. Mmm skittles

Comin to save the mutha f*&%in day yeah!

Kevin has nipples??!!

Wine and tv?

Samudra has captured the gay demographic of Bremerton! There's no way we can fail now!

What time is the potty?

Oh i get it! Yum was waiting for us at home!

he needs more wallabies though!

You mean babysitting? That's what the bar is for.

we were talking seattle restaurants w/the cashier @ TJ's & this old lady behind us goes " we have a great resaurant here called applebees. but go before 11!"

a BABY BEAR sucking on jimmy fallons arm! my day is complete.

The JW's just pulled up in front of my house knocked on my door, which i didn't open, and then drove off. They are sniping MY house!

She's naming the baby Sara Conchita!! LOL!

Raise your hand if your new ob/gyn looks and sounds like philip seymore hofman!

I want spock. ;)

Welcome to 530. Does this mean you've officially given up on the elk grove dream?

Hi there. This is a test to see he my phone is legit or has quit.

Just eating them will be ready.

1 thing you don't want to see while enjoying a burrito outside your fav mexican place: a guy walk by w/an ankle monitor on. Oh Oroville, you never stop do you?

Throw some water on that guy and see if he squeaks like a dolphin?

Every time i time i think about cosmo being 'totally happy but f*&%ing angry' i laugh out loud!

Why is michael bay still allowed to make movies????

Crying maybe. Not really sure.

happy mothers day o fellow childless one! let us celebrate our hot bodies, full 8 hr nights of sleep and ability to enjoy alcohol. :)

not even joking, i have a blister from using the dyson

Do monks eat only rice and beans?

So many inappropriate responses come to mind. I'll save us the awkwardness and just send this as is.

"hot meat". i'm snickering to myself.

Are you choppin balls at the winery today?

is there such thing as blonde emo kids?

Yeah! Bitch pleez!

Bah Amy Lidell emailer me asking if I wan to help with the reunion. Grumble.

How ironic that the girl that doesn't 'beer' is writing this but here goes: bees night tonight.

Stimple's donkey - Willie Brown?

Get off my business.

i just saw a robin running really fast on the side of the road. like, REALLY fast. he must have forgotten that HE HAS WINGS.

why is it so effing impossible to find a decent purse???

oprah is without a doubt the Official Queen of the Backdoor Brag.

Are you ready to see desmond beat the sh!t out of ben? Cuz it's AWESOME.

just give in to the albanator. you know you want to.

Quailhawk.

I'm at the office eating soup! I love eating!

she loves pie. she mentions it four times.

oh it was. youre freaking hilarious markle. i'm lizzing as we speak. HILARIOUS.

i think i may be a lezzie for michelle obama.

jason cut his hair pretty short yesterday, and his 9 year old patient just asked him "what happened to your head?" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Let your Kallie be your guide.

I had a dream that you ate my whole package of milano cookies. And you weren't even sorry! You just said, "what? I needed i snack."

your killing my flow! full scale!

Pilsbury just reminded me that i want warm fresh backed crossants. DAMM THEM.

Did you hear that? I think it was my poor wittle heart bwaking :(

language gripes

i just saw an ad for a movie called Defiance, boasting that it is 'based on the untold true story.' Call me crazy, but if the story is untold then how do you know to make a movie about it? And wouldn't the movie then TELL the story?

There's an ad for NutriSystem running these days where a customer happily exclaims that "each meal is better than the next!!" i'm pretty sure that would mean each successive meal would get worse and worse until they were flash frozen dishes of poo.

Who is greenlighting these million dollar ad campaigns??

written between craft time and bum-licking

Dear Lyn and Jesse,
Hi! How are you? i am great. i hope you are having fun in Canada and in California's northern neighborstates.

Summer camp at Camp Luvamarkle is really fun. My friend Penny goes to the same camp! We play Noisy Wrestlemania whenever we are not taking naps or discussing the G8 conference. There are many places to nap: the rug, the carpet, the bricks, the dirt, my bed, Penny's bed, the couch, the other couch and the window seat. Mostly i nap in the giant window seat because it inflates my sense of self-importance and passersby are led to believe i am the establishment's owner.

There is another animal attending Camp Luvamarkle. i'm told it is a "cat" but the camp directors call it "Suchajerk" or "Seriouslycosmo????" It looks very strange and makes terrifying noises and whenever i hear it or see it my mind goes blank and my feet start moving. i suspect "cat" is another word for "siren demon". Penny helps me chase Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo and it all gets very exciting until the camp directors get out of bed and snap at us and say "Good lord does it EVER get old????". i'm hoping to catch him by the end of the week and when i do i will teach him how to dance around on his back like i like to do. Camp Director Kallie will not let Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo leave camp during the day this week because she says he probably won't ever come back. Camp Director Josh asked why that would be a problem and Camp Director Kallie threw a flip flop at him.

Today we went on a daytrip to Baker Park. i found several stinky grass-patches to roll around in and Penny chased lizards in the mud. Camp Director Kallie pushed Penny in the pool to clean the mud off and Counselor Ashley helped Penny swim to the side and climb out. i was very excited the whole time and i helped Penny dry off by stealing the dino chewy and running away as fast as i could. Park Ranger Sherrie wanted to know why Camp Director Kallie had to push Penny in the pool and get the pool all muddy and couldn't she just hose Penny off?? Camp Director Kallie said it honored the scientists who invented chlorine and pool sweepers to create muddy pool water AND it sharpened Penny's raw survival skills. Park Ranger Sherrie was otherwise very nice and said i was "a good little dog." i ate alot of grass and Camp Director Kallie thanked me for it when i lit up her car with grass farts the whole way back to camp. i tried to say "You're welcome" but it turns out i was not supposed to climb on the steering wheel.

Every day after Nap 23, Penny and i catch up on the Sotamayor confirmation hearings, then we take laps around the pavilion. Then we nap again. Some religious zealots came to the camp door and invited us to a special conference in San Francisco. We barked at them, saying "Your commitment is admirable but we are otherwise religiously inclined canines!! Thank you anyway!! Please take us dogs off your contact list because we are unlikely to convert to your spiritual path and it would be futile to use your time and energy to further evangelize us!! Have a nice day!!!" i think they appreciated our polite forthrightness.

Well, The Colbert Report is almost over so Camp Director Kallie will want the Macbook back. It's time to go dance on my back for a while and then take nap 56 before Penny and i have our evening tie-breaker Noisy Wrestlemania match.

Thanks for sending me to camp- as you can see i'm having a really good time. i miss you though! Come home soon!

Love,
Stella Bea

song 6

Before it was the background to primetime TV montages of people looking angsty in elevators, before it was in the 'Sex and the City' movie trailer, before a n y o n e e l s e, i loved this song. i discovered it on a blog post somewhere on the internets, probably 3 years ago? i'm not sure. i was totally smitten because, A. i grew up listening to the Eagles and ganked my dad's Hell Freezes Over album and knew every word by heart while the rest of the kids my age were like 'yeaaaah! Weezer and stuff!!!' and B. i'm kind of a sucker for a good cover. As covers go, this one takes the cake. Oh, and C. this lady is great.

It is India Arie covering Don Henley's classic heartache-redemption muser, 'Heart of the Matter'. She gives it a soul beat and a little more musicality because let's face it, her voice is better. (Don't hate, even The Don told India he likes her version better.) She keeps what works, the background vocals, harmonies, etc, but makes it distinctly her own. These are the criteria for a good cover, students. Learn.

Anyway, i love this song. It's wise, sad, universal, and great to sing along with, whether you prefer the Eagles or India. i'm a little bummed that there's now a whole generation of people who think India Arie wrote this song, but we can only hope to educate. i couldn't find a proper video for it (since the music video is going the way of the do-do it's getting quite difficult) but you can listen to the track HERE or just trust me and go buy it on iTunes.

we had a baby

The first harvest from our humble veggie garden. Josh named it Curtis.

show, don't tell

i've started this post several times but it never seems adequate to the task. Instead of a coherent travelogue you're going to get snippets and impressions and you'll just have to match them up with the pictures and your own imagination. The crux: annual camping trip to Patrick's Point with Pete and the Rostens, plus newcomers Saucy Stella and Chatty Matt.
--
i made a silly playlist. It had Michael Jackson and Cookie Monster and Journey and many many Coldplay songs. 'Viva La Vida' came on right as we reached the last, best Vista Point en route and so we said 'okay universe' and stopped to viva.

Our site was right: backdoor path to the crest trail and the iron ocean and striped sky, hidden from the circling rangers with their rules and the middle-aged crunchers with their matching jumpsuits, close to bathroom, trash and potable faucet of potability. "Do you know the difference between a cactus and a corvette?" i think the forest giggled. Pete slept with Big Agnes every night.

A ladder on a hill, tidepools. Sky: grey, rocks: grey, creatures: red white purple orange. Lives and civilizations under foot, generations of microscopics. A cave! if we had a wand we would have searched for the horcrux. 'Don't worry Harry, don't worry Albus, we took care of it already. Go back to Hogwarts and live long, full lives.' Josh found someone's sweatshirt and stowed it away. How very Josh. Climb back up the ladder, climb climb climb. Strip off layers, kick rocks.
'Sister's my new mother now, mother!' Chips, soup, cheese, Catan.

Everything is mossy and grey and eerie and patient. The walking trails are dinosaur movies. It's all pure and primal and it blinks and turns its head away when the tiny, tiny humans walk through with their clicking boxes and sharp voices. Stella doesn't relax, she is an animal in the animals' land and feels more dog blood in her veins than ever. She alone can protect us from the raptors.

The waves breathe in sand and exhale mist and the birds sing strange songs with more notes than science can explain. There is only green and brown and grey until the tree with pink flowers appears with its big blossoms and then shrinks back into the lush, only to appear around the next corner.




We talk of God and not-God. The fire is too low. We talk of reason and affection and faith and not-faith. The Muddy Buddies make circles of their own volition. i play movie games in my head. 'Brendan Fraser was in Crash with Terrence Howard who was in Hustle and Flow with Taraji Henson who was in Benjamin Button with Cate Blanchett who was in the awful Elizabeth sequel with Clive Owen who was in The Bourne Identity with Matt Damon who was in School Ties with Brendan Fraser who was in Crash with Don Cheadle who was...'
At Lost Coast Brewery they lie to us and then pass us over. We wonder why brew food makes us suffer the things we suffer. Waiting. Vowing to make new traditions next year. Starving. Thinking of a year ago and a Joker vs Gotham. Waiting. Finally sitting. Waiting. Exercising our powers as consumer diners. Turkey sandwich and Great White. Lovely golden Great White. Like water, only beer. Driving in the not-quite-rain. "Lyn was named Princess Of Verbosity," said the verbose one. 50mph is so unbearable.

Luffenholtz, i love you. In 5 or 4 or 3 or 2 years you will either be utterly unreachable or there will be a fancy road and a fancy parking lot and you will be developed and crowded and whitewashed and neon and you will say 'don't look at me' and it will be something more than tragic but nothing less than unsurprising. But you're not yet. You're still hidden and just barely accessible and precarious and rocky and a permanent embrace, high or low tide. You are foreboding and morose but calm and pure. Your sand is in my teeth and it tastes like peppers and apples. Your textures are sharp, gritty and cold and i eat warm food with skins and juices. i validate you by seeking heat against your cold.

Ranger: "That wouldn't happen to be a service dog, would it?" He was too young, too interested in his coworker to believe in law and in order.
Me: "Nope." i didn't say that she also didn't 'happen' to be my dog.

i am alternately hushed and thrilled. i'm like a child unsure of which instinct to trust: my excitement or my reverence. The reverence begets the excitement. i have years of this salt in my lungs, years of moss and sand in the treads of shoes both long since disposed of and under the bed. i have years to go before i sleep.

something i just decided i really really love

Movie titles with punctuation. Like this one.