(these are texts in my phone's inbox, transcribed exactly (except the swears, because i have to have principles or something))
nuthing but bud for me! there's a reason it's called the king of beers!
Ah yes, the bremerton to redding light rail. First thing on obama's agenda.
peanut butter on the other end of the cuetip
Barf. I only eat healthy fast food.
I smell like a high schooler - cologne, gum and hormones.
Is it at mother 10?
Mr halfblood prince, I AM happy to see you. And, yes, that IS a wand in my pocket.
F*&% yeah, gonna save the mothaeffin day yeah
The colored ones make me think of skittles. Mmm skittles
Comin to save the mutha f*&%in day yeah!
Kevin has nipples??!!
Wine and tv?
Samudra has captured the gay demographic of Bremerton! There's no way we can fail now!
What time is the potty?
Oh i get it! Yum was waiting for us at home!
he needs more wallabies though!
You mean babysitting? That's what the bar is for.
we were talking seattle restaurants w/the cashier @ TJ's & this old lady behind us goes " we have a great resaurant here called applebees. but go before 11!"
a BABY BEAR sucking on jimmy fallons arm! my day is complete.
The JW's just pulled up in front of my house knocked on my door, which i didn't open, and then drove off. They are sniping MY house!
She's naming the baby Sara Conchita!! LOL!
Raise your hand if your new ob/gyn looks and sounds like philip seymore hofman!
I want spock. ;)
Welcome to 530. Does this mean you've officially given up on the elk grove dream?
Hi there. This is a test to see he my phone is legit or has quit.
Just eating them will be ready.
1 thing you don't want to see while enjoying a burrito outside your fav mexican place: a guy walk by w/an ankle monitor on. Oh Oroville, you never stop do you?
Throw some water on that guy and see if he squeaks like a dolphin?
Every time i time i think about cosmo being 'totally happy but f*&%ing angry' i laugh out loud!
Why is michael bay still allowed to make movies????
Crying maybe. Not really sure.
happy mothers day o fellow childless one! let us celebrate our hot bodies, full 8 hr nights of sleep and ability to enjoy alcohol. :)
not even joking, i have a blister from using the dyson
Do monks eat only rice and beans?
So many inappropriate responses come to mind. I'll save us the awkwardness and just send this as is.
"hot meat". i'm snickering to myself.
Are you choppin balls at the winery today?
is there such thing as blonde emo kids?
Yeah! Bitch pleez!
Bah Amy Lidell emailer me asking if I wan to help with the reunion. Grumble.
How ironic that the girl that doesn't 'beer' is writing this but here goes: bees night tonight.
Stimple's donkey - Willie Brown?
Get off my business.
i just saw a robin running really fast on the side of the road. like, REALLY fast. he must have forgotten that HE HAS WINGS.
why is it so effing impossible to find a decent purse???
oprah is without a doubt the Official Queen of the Backdoor Brag.
Are you ready to see desmond beat the sh!t out of ben? Cuz it's AWESOME.
just give in to the albanator. you know you want to.
Quailhawk.
I'm at the office eating soup! I love eating!
she loves pie. she mentions it four times.
oh it was. youre freaking hilarious markle. i'm lizzing as we speak. HILARIOUS.
i think i may be a lezzie for michelle obama.
jason cut his hair pretty short yesterday, and his 9 year old patient just asked him "what happened to your head?" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Let your Kallie be your guide.
I had a dream that you ate my whole package of milano cookies. And you weren't even sorry! You just said, "what? I needed i snack."
your killing my flow! full scale!
Pilsbury just reminded me that i want warm fresh backed crossants. DAMM THEM.
Did you hear that? I think it was my poor wittle heart bwaking :(
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Time Thieves
Gem of the Moment
"The elevator, which had haunted its untidy shaft for a hundred years, came wafting skyward, dragging its ungodly chains and dread intestines after. The door exhaled open. The lift groaned as if we had trod its stomach. In a great protestation of ennui, the ghost sank back toward earth." -Green Shadows, White Whale
2 comments:
Someday, when I am done travelling in the real world and return home to the blogosphere, I am going to copy this idea from you. But the thought that my texts just aren't that funny worries me. I wonder, do I need to make more of an effort toward wit and wisdom?
I wonder, does knowing that you will inevitably sift through your inbox in search of text "gems" make you into a more selective texter? The jokes, the innuendo, the literary references, the obvious "that's what she said" set-ups--are they entirely contrived at this point, or does the writing process remain pure and untouched by editorial concerns?
It's a pretty pure process, at least for me. i don't know if my friends/family are composing their responses differently in order to make it in The List. i have my suspicions about some of them though...
i've found that just about anything taken completely out of its context is fodder for humor (or the impetus for a good short story). The real secret to getting great texts is simply to have very clever people in your circle of communication. (And people prone to typos.) The other secret is to be one of those people who would rather exchange 50 texts than have a 20 second phone conversation. i just have a whopping boatload of material to pull from.
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