oh yeah

We bought a car on Sunday. Not from the racist salesperson, but from the army of his 'minority' employees. It's fantastic: 'magnetic grey' 09 Toyota Matrix. Here's a pro pic because we're apparently deathly allergic to taking pictures of our own lives. We're going to sell The Little PickUp That Could... For A While... But Isn't Really Anymore. i drive the Matrix and Josh drives the Explorer. We've named the Matrix 'Rex' or 'Rick' depending on which of us you ask. We are now taking suggestions on what the License Plate should say. Aaaand i have no idea why i capitalized that. Here are some of the options are, let us know what your vote is and when you're coming to take a spin with us:

IKNW KFU

KALPALS

LOST HUH

GOREXGO
ZOOMY K

David + Tape, or "How I Spent My Spring Break At Grad School."

It's no secret that Josh and i managed to trick some really gifted people into being our friends. Check out David's experiment in urban space and its barriers: TAPE IN SPACE.

"An experiment in breaking the definitions of “wall” and engaging passer-byes who become participants simply by social instinct, I attempt to test the thresholds of our unconscious instincts towards barriers and create flows of pedestrian traffic in an urban environment with a minimal tool: duct tape."

i tried to embed the video but i am not gifted so you'll have to jump over to his site. It's nifty and has fun background music and, if you're like me (but maybe you're gifted) it plays with your perception of New Yorkers.

Heyyyy, it works after all!!

Happy first day of summer, internet! Our humble li'l sundial has been training all year for its big day, so ditch your wristwatch, head down to the river, and observe the fabulous primitive time-telling in all its bridge-y glory.

ahhh, stereotypes

Over the weekend, we went to an automall and test drove a Toyota Matrix. The salesman who assisted us was very nice, patient, not pushy, soft spoken...all the things you WISH car salesmen were. His name was Al and he was from Pakistan.

When Al realized that we were not inclined to drive away that afternoon in a brand new car, he had his Sales Manager come talk to us. i don't remember Sales Manager Man's name, but let's call him JimmyBob, and he was obviously from the USA. JimmyBob was unctuous, impatient, and pushy. All the things car salesman ARE, and you wish WEREN'T.

While Al left to shoot the breeze, we sat in the little cubicle with JimmyBob discussing our vehicle situation. Since it was a day that ended in Y, the subject of fuel prices came up. JimmyBob expressed his frustration, relating a story in which he went to buy gas and it was $4.60 and the gas station attendant said at least it wasn't $4.75, like the station across the street. Harmless, pointless story right? Could've been replaced with the statement 'i dislike the current cost of fuel.' Except that if JimmyBob had just said that, he wouldn't have had the chance to 'quote' the gas station attendant using an awful middle eastern accent. (Yes. He did.) He, who only had us in there in the first place because his Pakistani sales associate was good at his job, used us and our whiteness to attempt camaraderie and make himself seem savvy and funny by being mildly discriminatory toward people of middle eastern ethnicity.

It was kind of nauseating.

We didn't buy the car, obviously. The plan is, if we decide we want it, to go back and deal only with Al, not with JimmyBob.

subliminal messages

Dearest Josh,

i think it would be a really good idea to re-do our Web site and doing so would make a smashing anniversary gift to me, since i'm the only one who ever posts. No seriously, i can't even remember the last time you posted in 3.5 years, which is fine, but it's looking a little 04' around here, you know? 2004 was a loooooong time ago. Back when John Kerry was going to be president and 'Return of the King' was named 'Like, bestest movie EVER!' by the Academy, Lance Armstrong rode away with Tour #6, Martha Stewart went to prison, the Red Sox were all "curse, schmurse!", Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, and Rick James all passed away, the Pacers and the Pistons got in a biiiig hair-pulling and eyeball-scratching fight, John Kerry was not the next president after all, the tsunami swallowed southeast Asia, and a tv show about a crashed airplane and a creepy island debuted with a cast of nobodies and i said to you "How much material can they really have to sustain that show? 'Stranded on a desert island' only lasts for so long" and you said to me "Ever heard of 'Gilligan's Island'?" and i said "No. My parents didn't get cable until i moved out, which obviously doesn't embitter me to this day." Remember? (internet, we totally had that EXACT conversation whilst a promo for Lost played in the background)
And while i appreciate that we obviously have a color preference, since the color of our blog is the same as our wedding party apparel was and is the same as our living room walls are and is the same color family as our two pets, i'm ready for something else for ol' webby. Maybe a grey-ish purple? Since i'm the only one who posts and since you rarely seem to actually READ this blog-with-your-name-on-it, i'm hoping maybe the re-design will come in time for my birthday or Christmas. i wouldn't wait too long if i were you, you know that i know how to use templates and i know how much vitriol you feel towards templates.

i'm just sayin.

Sincerely,

your wife ....and wikipedia.

The Purse

Now is as good a time as any (isn't that a strange phrase? American is a weird language) to tackle a long-overdue blog entry called 'GOOD LORD WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PURSE?' This hopes to be just as amusing/ appalling as my text message lists.

1 bottle of Aleve Liquigels (not the small travel kind either, the biggie with 80 dolls inside)
A still-wrapped drinking straw
Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion
7 Claritin
Orange bouncy ball
Green post-it reading: Simplicity 2968, 2995 Vogue 8411/8181 8468
Quarter sheet of paper masquerading as a to-do list (4/8 things left to do, in case you're wondering)
Little paper holder formerly containing Jack in the Box french fires
Hairbrush
3 spoons (not plastic spoons, the nice ones we registered for at Macy's. 1 of which is the giant serving spoon kind)
2 cd mixes; 1 called 'Christmas Mix 07, Office Version' and 1 called 'Regina Spektor & friends'
Sticker name tag from Best Companies to Work for In Shasta County breakfast
6 maximum strength Midol
2 gum wrappers
Ear buds
Tube of Neosporin
Video iPod
Scrap of paper reading: "Like Water for Chocolate, Lady in the Water, & The Ultimate Gift"
3 Aleve liquigels that managed to escape the bottle
2 lip gloss tubes
Dutch Bros punch card with 2 stamps
2 pay stubs
Antique ring-mirror
1 Comtrex Cold & Cough, expiration 10/2007
3 Reese's mini peanut butter cup wrappers
Half-full bag of Halls cough suppresants, belonging to Josselyn
Small spiral-bound Van Gogh calendar i bought to keep track of what i did that day. Last entry: April 6th.
Pack of Orbit bubblemint gum
Lipstick: Mary Kay's 'rose petal'
Blue wallet
Red cell phone
Purple toothbrush
Credit card, driver's license (no, of course they're not kept safely in the wallet!)
6 MORE maximum strength Midol in the other pocket
Small red travel case containing the following:
--Tide To-Go stain remover
--hand sanitizer
--lipstick: Almay's 'bronze 205'
--mirror
--toothpaste
--Carmex tube
--Blistex tube
--4 Band-Aids
--Chanel "Chance"perfume sample
--hair clip
--Burts Bees blemish stick
And finally, receipts (all from the first two weeks of April, oddly) for:
-Target, for returning a pleated skirt
-Carl's Jr
-Safeway: for Rolos, a mini pizza, a Dr. Pepper and 2 Healthy Choice Cafe' Steamers
-Target, for Heather Sanders' shower gifts, and some gum
-Target again, for clothes
-Chipotle
-Safeway: mascara, eyeliner, and cat food
-Walgreens

Well there you have it. You thought Boy Scouts were prepared! i could remove your appendix or treat your malaria using only items found in my purse! Let it be known that a previous purse, now retired, once enclosed all its usual contents, plus 2 In-n-Out burgers, two orders of fries, and 2 regular sized soft drinks (standing upright) and bore it all into the movie theater without a single spilled drop of pop or smashed fry. i'd like to see you do that with your wallet, sir.

The Mighty B

(sorry Bonnie, this post is not about you)

In my ever-increasing effort to become The Most Balanced, Well Rounded Person You Will Ever Meet, i've added a Nickelodeon show to my regular DVR recordings. (current subscriptions: Ebert & Roeper, Reno 911, Martha Stewart and various scripted offerings that are on summer hiatus) This cartoon gem is just about the best thing to happen to the color yellow since butterscotch candies. Go thee to your tv guide and find the next episode of THE MIGHTY B.

'The Mighty B' is the name of the imaginary superhero alter ego belonging to the one and only Bessie Higgenbottom, a 10yr old Honeybee Scout with giant glasses, a gnarly lateral lisp and a feverish drive to earn every available merit badge (there are something like 4,000). She also has the energy of a liter bottle of concentrated Red Bull. The best, best, best part about Bessie is that she was created and is voiced by The Funniest Blond Woman Ever To Walk Planet Earth: SNL's Amy Poehler. (i had to specify blond because you can't make me choose between her and Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig. i won't do it. Until i decide that would make a good blog. Then i will.)

Por ejemplo: in one episode, Bessie and her Honeybee pal Penny get addicted to crashing Bat Mitzvahs. Imagine the social profiling jokes that escape the younger viewers, it's pretty hilarious. Key quote: "Ok Penny, remember: if anyone asks, we are her cousins from Tel Aviv."

In another episode, Bessie becomes an investigatory journalist to scoop out the secret of her fellow Honeybee, Portia. If you didn't think it was possible for a children's cartoon to spoof the Oscar-winning Watergate film, 'All the President's Men', you were wrong.

Bessie also beat-boxes her way onto a roller coaster, teaches her dog to ballroom dance, and decides she has ESP. If you've ever seen the SNL sketches where Poehler plays the little kid 'Caitlin' ("Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!") you'll have a good idea of the mania that identifies Bessie. Plus, the animation is 'Ren & Stimpy'-esque, so it's pretty nutty.

My explanation doesn't do it justice because there are a thousand subtle jokes in every episode and i can't capture the pages-long diatribes that Bessie delivers at hyper-speed. Asians, dog shows, stage-moms, carnies, you name it: this show lovingly digs at it. Oh, and it's set in San Francisco! NorCal pride!

Go watch it. Now. Or come to my house because i have them all saved on the DVR.

priorities

A peep into an evening with your favorite Markles.

Kallie is on the couch surfing the interweb and watching a special on BBC America called 'Transvestite Wives' and thinking 'why oh why oh why don't the Brits go to the orthodontist? i mean good grief!' Penny is asleep at her feet, Cosmo is having a tryst with the couch pillow next to her. Behind her is the mess of easel, dropcloth, and tubes of paint scattered around two paintings rushed into creation to replace the beloved ones given away. Josh is buzzing around like his busy-bee self paying bills and preparing to sell his Treo and digital camera on e-bay, occasionally stopping to pick at the big ugly scab on his knee from a soccer game the week before.

Eventually they meet in the office (where the clean laundry has taken up residence) to go over the June obligations: 6 birthdays, 2 weddings, 8 soccer games, 2 trips to Sacto, 1 book club mtg, 1 mid-week church meeting, 1 bridal shower, 1 anniversary, and 1 major movie premiere.