musings on expectation

When you're 18 years old the law says, 'We trust you to handle cigarettes responsibly but not alcohol.' The United States says, 'Here, help us choose our government's leaders, but you cannot rent a car, even though we gave you a driver's license 2 years ago.' Society says, 'Okay now, you've lived roughly 1/4th of your life, now you must decide what you're going to do with the remaining 3/4ths,' and it sends you to college and tells you to pick the right course of study because that will determine your career and how you'll fit in with everyone else for the next half century.

Tell me, those of you who have children: is the 7 or 10 or 12 year old anything like the 1 year old? The personality might be the same, but i imagine there are distinct differences. How is an 18 or 20 year old to know any more about his 60 year old self that your toddler will now about his middle school self? And yet....and yet.

Strangers and acquaintances remark about my bachelor's degrees being in Literature and Theology and how they surely are not serving me now. To some extent, my education is thus perceived as 'wasted' or, more kindly, 'misdirected.' For most of the last 5 post-undergraduate years i have bought into this method of thinking, but not so much any more.

When i was 18 my passion was for writing and literature and i had at my disposal professionals highly trained in developing my skills for appreciating such things. That i made the decision to accept this training and not training in something more 'marketable' but surely less palatable like Journalism or Organizational Administration somehow makes me a 'directionless dreamer'. (i admire those who have passion about administrating and organizing, mostly because i'm incapable of either.) By studying that which i was passionate about, i ensured i would retain such passion for many years to come, if not the rest of my life, and that passion would bring me happiness. (Simplistic? Sure.) When i was 20 i developed a thirst for answers about God and added another course of study that would provide insight and direction for my journey. That i didn't become a pastor, theologian or even learn one of the biblical languages doesn't mean it was a waste of my time, money and energies and the time and energies of my teachers. It means i learned all i could while the learning was there for the taking. Why is such an attitude not celebrated? Simply because you can't draw a straight line from my diploma to my pay stub? (Defensive? Indeed.)

Many are certain at 18 about what they want to do at 50. They choose study and training for that purpose, whether it be their chief passion or not, and if not, they make time for their passions. i envy them on a very, VERY regular basis.

Yes, i'm frustrated that i'm perceived as 'lost' or 'unmotivated' or 'lacking identity.' Though, a great deal of the time i genuinely feel i am all of those things. But i don't regret my degrees. My education has served me well in ways that can't be measured on business cards or tax returns. That i'm not set and pointed for the next 2/3rds of my life are at times terrifying and liberating. i have friends who made all the 'right' educational moves and accompanying career moves and now loathe it all. (others still love it all) i'm fairly certain that had i made more 'practical' choices in college i would be one of those punch-drunk young professionals who hate their jobs AND the educations that put them there. i at least only hate my job, and since it's only a job and not a career representing the last ten years/one-third of my life, i don't have to hate myself or my life either. When i had an impressive job with office and title, i realized i valued it more for how it sounded than for what it was or what it provided to my mind. (and it didn't have that much to do with my b.a. degrees anyway)

All this to say, yes, i am metaphorically wandering around right now. i don't love wandering, but it sure beats standing on one of those moving walkways. Hopefully soon i will have a more precise direction in which to wander. When all is said and done i will at least have left an interesting trail.