cime scene

When Mr. Perfect was a little tyke, he had his own Cabbage Patch doll- a boy doll whose name has been lost to history. We acquired him, along with a cache of other childhood treasures, from Mama Perfect a year or so ago. When it came time to announce our pregnancy to The World, we picked up a cheap baby carrier (the Bjorn knockoff, if you will) and unearthed the Cabbage Patch. In doing so, we christened him Carlos, after the 'found' baby in The Hangover and even equipped him with some sunglasses. Josh wore Carlos to work and told his peers he was practicing for fatherhood (thus, announcing). Carlos has been lurking around our living area ever since and added a diaper to his outfit when Mr. Perfect decided he should probably learn how to apply one. He also donned a hat, though i don't remember why.

So to sum up: Carlos the doll had been living happily, and fully dressed, in the entry for a matter of months. Last night we went to the movies and left Penny and Stella in the house unsupervised, as we often do. They'd been fed, to ward off any hunger-related mischief, and left with air conditioning and lights on and each other's company.

This is what we returned to:

Carlos' naked body, splayed face-up in a different room, with his hair disheveled and ankle tendon chewed off. THE HORRORRRRR! His clothes were scattered all over the place. Exhibits B-E (and i apologize for the blurry photos; i was overcome with emotion (which may have been horror... but may have been hilarity)):




And i'm no CSI, but i think i spy a pretty irrefutable DNA sample left behind by the culprit, which confirms my suspicions about who the alpha of the criminal partnership is:

To recap, two creatures, neither possessing opposable thumbs, 'allegedly' plucked Carlos from atop a dresser in another room, transported him into the living room, removed two shoes, two socks, pants, a diaper, a shirt and a hat, and left him exposed in his shame. Clearly, we're going to have get Carlos into therapy to do all we can to stave off any PTSD. He hasn't said much since the incident, but he was never very chatty in the first place.
(Here's where i struggle with whether it's TOO inappropriate to make a 'show me on the doll...' joke.)
Maybe the dogs thought he looked overheated in his sweatsuit, shoes, socks, diaper and beanie and felt they were doing him a service by stripping him bare? All we know is that they were pretty proud of themselves, while poor Carlos' face was a frozen rictus, trapping a fateful night behind those wide eyes.

sum of all fears

Our dearest darling dog, Penny, is a mutt of some sorts, but is mostly pit bull.
In case you've been living under a rock for 10 years, pit bulls are unilaterally feared and hated because they breathe fire and murder virgins and traffic humans across borders to harvest their organs and stuff. They're large, sleek and muscular, so they tend to attract owners who prioritize strength and, subsequently, violence in the same way small, curly-haired and simpering dogs attract little old ladies and girls with large purses. The different appearances and temperments of dog breeds are what make them the #1 household pet of humans; this is why it works. Anyway, pits attract jerks and bottom feeders like Michael Vick and that creepy guy who lives around the corner, and these a-holes rear their dogs in irresponsible, dangerous ways and then the rest of the world goes, 'Bad dogs! Inherently evil! Should be banned from breathing oxygen! Gahhhhh!'
There are bright spots: pit bull rescue organizations like Villalobos and celebrity advocates like Rachel Ray (hey! she's good for something!) and just about every time we take Penny out on local walking trails at least one person will fawn over her and share their own pro-pit testimony. i don't doubt that for every 1 local fan there are 5 people who shoot dagger-eyes as soon as we pass and move their children to the other side of the trail when they see us coming, but phooey on them.
i'm aware that there are bad pits out there and people are allowed to form their opinion on their experiences. My friend was a police officer in the Bay Area for 6 years and she witnessed things that will prevent her from ever being completely comfortable around pit bulls. i will probably never own a German Shepherd because of the time our family pet threatened me. Experiences should form our opinions, though, not fear-mongering or gossip.
A lecture is not why i started this post, but apparently i woke up on the defensive side of the bed.
We have a pit-mutt. We adopted her from a local rescue group who had busted her out of the pound before she could be euthanized; she was in the pound because her owner was a shady character and had been taken to court. She is needy and neurotic but also loyal and silly and affectionate and she's learning to catch treats. Here is a list of things our big, scary, baby-killing dog is absolutely terrified by:

-tape measures, both the hardware kind for measuring walls and the sewing kind for measuring sleeves
-ladders
-cell phones
-cameras
-hairspray
-wrapping paper
-showerheads
-small plastic tubes
-Furminators

Not scared of but maybe should be? Fire. Possums. Mormons. Don't look for the rhyme or reason. She's a strange dog, befitting her environment and owners i suppose. She's available for loan if you need some dog therapy or want to do a pit test run before adopting your own.

Bye Bye Birdie

A rite of passage 4 years in the making occurred in our little family yesterday. Cosmo, who is a member of the species felis silvestris catus, finally FINALLY F I N A L L Y did a felis silvestris catus-like thing and deposited a small dead creature on our doorstep. (it was a bird) Here's the thing: Cosmo is a mean, ornery, domineering animal. He is short on affection and long on demands. He abandoned such trivial practices as 'play' years ago and his relationship with us now consists mostly of:
-'FEED ME, SIMPLETONS.'
-'FEED ME MORE.'
-'NO. YOU WILL NOT WRAP A PRESENT OR CUT A SEWING PATTERN ON THIS PARTICULAR PART OF THE FLOOR- I DECIDED I WANT TO LAY HERE. WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH.'
-'LET ME IN, KNUCKLEDRAGGERS.'
-'LET ME OUT, DAMN YOU.'
-'LET ME BACK IN AND FEED ME MORE FOOD.'
-'EXCUSE YOUR FACE, I'M TRYING TO GET TO THE WINDOW. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SLEEPING.'
-'MOVE YOUR BOWL DOWN SO I CAN BIFF AT YOUR CHEERIOS WITH MY PAW. NOW.'
-'LET ME OUT. YOU AND THE WHITE CREATURE BORE ME.'
-'TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY FUR, YOU'LL MAKE IT DIRTY.'
-'I HATE YOUR ANKLES, HOLD STILL WHILE I MAKE THEM BLEED AS PUNISHMENT FOR EXISTING.'
-'DON'T BOTHER ME, I'M SHARING A SPECIAL MOMENT WITH THIS BLANKET AND THIS BLANKET LIKES ME JUST THE WAY I AM.'
(imagine all of that said in a voice similar to a Stewie Griffin's, only more bored, and maybe with a touch of Willem Defoe)

In light of this less than loving situation, for him to leave us a present (even one as misunderstood as a dead, possibly diseased thing) is nearly stunning in its implications. HE LOVES US, he just has a hard time saying it for fear of rejection. We were very moved; so much so that we mounted the dead bird to a board and hung it on the mantle with the date and some of Cosmo's paw prints as a signature.

Well, there's always the possibility that he truly hates us and deposited the bird on the doorstep much like the ol' horse head in the mattress message. That's probably more likely. It's surely more of a 'You're next, bitches' message than a 'Thank you for rescuing me from the jaws of euthanization and always giving me food and shelter and medical care and staying up late to make sure i come home in one piece instead of making me spend the night outside with the fugly possums and sketchy alley cats.' Of course, there's no way of proving that he didn't:
-Find a the bird already dead and drag it around out of boredom until he found something more interesting to be creepy with.
-Steal the prized kill from the neighbor's cat (i call him Catsumoto because he looks like a samurai. What? it's funny!) with whom he has a 2.5 year staring contest rivalry, and claim it as his own.
-Systematically lace the earth with arsenic and other chemicals, causing local insects to absorb it and build up a tolerance and thus poison and kill the bird that ate the insects. (Do not put it past him. The minute you declare anything as 'beyond him' is the minute he decides that is how he will destroy you.)
-Kill the bird as a representation of his tough catliness to send a message to all the neighborhood kitties (there are plenty). Our yard may look like a litter box, but it's his litter box and his only. Know about it.

i suppose the case of the toe-up doorstep bird will remain a mystery until our giant angry beast of anger is caught in the act of being something less than diabolical and more like a pet.

odds and ends

or, if we're speaking in Jeopardy categories, which we should be. always., "Potpourri."

We were awokended in the wee hours of the night/morning/i don't know because i can't read the clock without my contacts in by the ferocious growling of our dog all the way on the other end of the house. Now, Penny is a snorer and sometimes an active dreamer, but intense growling is not part of her nighttime routine. The doorbell, as it does for most dogs, exhibits a very dramatic reaction, as does the opening of the side-yard gate, arborists, little old ladies passing out Mormon magazines, and the occasional child walking home from school. Needless to say, she is territorial. So when growling to raise Beelzebub's goosebumps commences in the middle of the night, we naturally assume we're about to get: robbed, tied up, fed our own fingers and toes, and then hacked into pieces by a very bad baddie, in that order. Being the brave, modern woman i am, i sent my husband out in his underpants to investigate. It was worse than a bloodthirsty killer and all the more worthy of such a chilling growl of defense: it was a possum, smaller than our cat, moseying through the leaves. DANGER! We've done the possum dance before (it's nothing like the foxtrot) and haven't had an issue since. This was probably a rogue wanderer but he/she continued in the tradition of his/her forepossums by making sure we got no sleep. Once you're awoken (or awakened or wokeded up) with your life flashing before your eyes, it's hard to drift back to dreamland.

Second. i had jury duty today; i arrived at 8 and left at 4 and was not chosen to serve. i was the 5th person called to the box in the morning and was fully prepared to serve. In the end, the defense excused me and i'm pretty sure i know why. The potential jury was presented with a hypothetical situation by the defense. Say a police officer testified, 'it was night time,' and a civilian testified, 'it was day time,' and there was no physical evidence to corroborate either claim. Would you have a bias toward or against one of the testimonies? i raised my hand, in the complete assumption that there would be others in agreement. Mine was the lone hand. (cue tumbleweed) i was asked to explain, and i said that i would be more inclined to believe a police officer's testimony in the case of a 'he said/she said' situation. "Without knowing the background of either person?" the defense attorney asked, "simply because the police officer is a police officer?" Yes. A police officer's testimony is more credible to me, i said, because i trust the institution that installed that individual as a police officer. If the civilian's background included a similar level of credibility, then i would have to decide between the two testimonies or discard them both. But without backgrounds? Yeah, i'm going to go with the officer of the law. Do i think there are shady police out there? Yup. i also think there are moral mobsters. But i'm going to err on the side of the person sworn to uphold the law and trained to observe and assess situational details. The defense attorney posited my perspective to a few other jurors and their responses were along the lines of, 'Noooo! i wouldn't be biased, i would be fair and uphold the judicial laws of America, KALLIE.' It was really annoying and kind of surreal. i honestly didn't expect the rest of the jury to completely throw me under the bus. Here's the thing: from the time we're old enough to understand 'blue uniform' and 'badge', we're taught to unilaterally trust police officers, are we not? You get lost from mommy and daddy in the park? Find Officer Friendly and it will be okay! (And his cousin Firefighter Friendly is busy getting your kittycat out of the tree!) But now that you're an adult and paying taxes and dealing with things like the safety of your neighborhood, we want you to treat police officers like every John or Jane you ignored or were scared of in the park that day 30 years ago. Huh?? Whatever, Mr. Defense Attorney. You were shifty and in gross need of a haircut. And whatever, Other Potential CoJurors. You were all lying because you wanted to be picked for the Varsity Jury Team.

Third, Matt Damon is a brilliant actor. He really is. i can't wait to watch Good Will Hunting on the Turner Classic Movies channel with my grandchildren. Except by then tvs will be embedded in our fingers and our phones will be biologically programmed in our thumbs.

Fourth, we're going to see how long we can go before we turn on the heater this year. Place your bets.

Fifth, my favorite, favorite, favorite boots are on their farewell tour, since i've more than worn out the $13 i paid for them. They can't be worn in inclement weather, given the deteriorating soles. Get your tickets to the swan song.

written between craft time and bum-licking

Dear Lyn and Jesse,
Hi! How are you? i am great. i hope you are having fun in Canada and in California's northern neighborstates.

Summer camp at Camp Luvamarkle is really fun. My friend Penny goes to the same camp! We play Noisy Wrestlemania whenever we are not taking naps or discussing the G8 conference. There are many places to nap: the rug, the carpet, the bricks, the dirt, my bed, Penny's bed, the couch, the other couch and the window seat. Mostly i nap in the giant window seat because it inflates my sense of self-importance and passersby are led to believe i am the establishment's owner.

There is another animal attending Camp Luvamarkle. i'm told it is a "cat" but the camp directors call it "Suchajerk" or "Seriouslycosmo????" It looks very strange and makes terrifying noises and whenever i hear it or see it my mind goes blank and my feet start moving. i suspect "cat" is another word for "siren demon". Penny helps me chase Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo and it all gets very exciting until the camp directors get out of bed and snap at us and say "Good lord does it EVER get old????". i'm hoping to catch him by the end of the week and when i do i will teach him how to dance around on his back like i like to do. Camp Director Kallie will not let Suchajerk Seriouslycosmo leave camp during the day this week because she says he probably won't ever come back. Camp Director Josh asked why that would be a problem and Camp Director Kallie threw a flip flop at him.

Today we went on a daytrip to Baker Park. i found several stinky grass-patches to roll around in and Penny chased lizards in the mud. Camp Director Kallie pushed Penny in the pool to clean the mud off and Counselor Ashley helped Penny swim to the side and climb out. i was very excited the whole time and i helped Penny dry off by stealing the dino chewy and running away as fast as i could. Park Ranger Sherrie wanted to know why Camp Director Kallie had to push Penny in the pool and get the pool all muddy and couldn't she just hose Penny off?? Camp Director Kallie said it honored the scientists who invented chlorine and pool sweepers to create muddy pool water AND it sharpened Penny's raw survival skills. Park Ranger Sherrie was otherwise very nice and said i was "a good little dog." i ate alot of grass and Camp Director Kallie thanked me for it when i lit up her car with grass farts the whole way back to camp. i tried to say "You're welcome" but it turns out i was not supposed to climb on the steering wheel.

Every day after Nap 23, Penny and i catch up on the Sotamayor confirmation hearings, then we take laps around the pavilion. Then we nap again. Some religious zealots came to the camp door and invited us to a special conference in San Francisco. We barked at them, saying "Your commitment is admirable but we are otherwise religiously inclined canines!! Thank you anyway!! Please take us dogs off your contact list because we are unlikely to convert to your spiritual path and it would be futile to use your time and energy to further evangelize us!! Have a nice day!!!" i think they appreciated our polite forthrightness.

Well, The Colbert Report is almost over so Camp Director Kallie will want the Macbook back. It's time to go dance on my back for a while and then take nap 56 before Penny and i have our evening tie-breaker Noisy Wrestlemania match.

Thanks for sending me to camp- as you can see i'm having a really good time. i miss you though! Come home soon!

Love,
Stella Bea

recession haircut, part ii

We gave in. He had too much hair and it was too kitty-soft for our clippers. It would've taken HOURS and HOURS just to get it cut short, much less beautifully bald, and he would've looked atrocious and CPS (cat protective services) would've hauled us in. So we called Melissa at Millville Vet and $30 later she was done within the morning. This time she shaved his entire tail, but left his legs and head fluffy. Behold:

And the group shot:

It is not napping, it is 'generating'.

It has recently come to our attention that The Pen is not completely mammal. She is also solar powered. We have determined this because every morning she wakes herself up to go outside and go to sleep again, but always in the part of the lawn (and by lawn i mean scrub) with optimal sun and always on her right side. This must be because her solar panels are installed on her left flank. After a few hours, she wakes herself up to come inside and go back to sleep while the UV stuff formulates with her mammalian system. She does this all summer and stores the solar energy to use year round.

Mostly, she is just a blindingly white pile of Creature.

Recession Haircut

Every summer (for the past 2 summers, at least) we have dropped Cosmo off at the vet and returned a matter of hours later to a terrified, freakish version of his former self. He is so, SO big, with such long hair and such affection for stickers and all sorts of ghastly things a cat can roll around in, that to maintain a proper humans-to-plant-and-insect ratio inside the home we have to do some feline deforestation. Well, this year there is an economic decline- maybe you've heard a thing or two about it, i dunno, EVERYWHERE- so we thought we'd give the DIY try and shave the poor guy ourselves. For the record, this is what he looks like normally:

This is how he turns out when the professionals do it:

And this is what he looks like after 3 of us screw around with the electric razor for 10 minutes before realizing it's 11pm and this will have to take at least an hour:

The Rarely-Seen Jekyll to his Hyde

This must seem like when the production crew on the Planet Earth documentary finally got footage of the elusive snow leopard. In actuality, our Vicious Monster can actually be quite the cuddler. It's much like he's embarrassed of his love for us and can therefore only show affection when no one is around. Another apt metaphor would be that of your standard abusive relationship. He abuses us- attacks our ankles, jumps on our faces while we sleep, bosses us around- and then just when we're ready to pack up and leave in the night, there he is with flowers and apologies and toasty, soft fur, and we're puddy in his paws.

overdue post about Stella Bea

This is Stella Bea Rosten, only dog-child of neighbors and cohorts, Lyn & Jesse. She is Penny's bff, workout buddy, ringmaster, makeout partner, wrestlemania teammate and chief rival for affection and quality time with the tennis ball/rope toy/dino chewy etc. Though she is only half Penny's size, she holds her own in their near-constant wrestling matches. They were instant friends and, aside from a few tiffs resulting from Sexual Experimentation Without The Other's Consent, have been getting along swimmingly for about 3 months. Their wrestling techniques are strangely compatible: Penny attempts to devour Stella's hind legs and Stella tries to gnaw off Penny's face. Why this works so well, none of us really know, but it does and there has been intense wrestlage from day one. Josh and i are very glad they're besties because we were starting to think our Dog Of Emotional Baggage would never have a friend and never experience all the mental and physical stimulation that goes along with canine companionship. Stella Bea to the rescue.

like him or not...

...he's your president, and you can't ignore that some pretty sweet art came out of this campaign. And what do we do with good art? we bastardize it!!!

She's Only Happy in the Sun

Penny honored Dr. King in her own special way yesterday. It involved snoring and moving from patch of carpet to patch of carpet, depending on the position of the sun. Just another terrible winter Monday in Redding. Today she is celebrating the inauguration in much the same way.

next: cracking codes for the CIA

This WAS a fairly large rope twisted in thick strands and knotted on both ends. It is now several piles of colorful dog floss. How she managed to untie and uncoil it (while underwater, blindfolded, with all 4 paws tied to her tail!) (and a bomb strapped to her chest!) (oh and pirahnas in the water!) (pick a card!!!) is a mystery to us, especially since she, you know, EATS GARBAGE and the concepts of 'sit' and 'lay down' are evidently too advanced for her.

*Although she IS super cute 24/7, the trick to getting the extra-adorable expression for pictures is to hold the iPhone camera steady while pretending to bark like a dog. Since i suck at even simple sound effects, this expression is 'i'm worried about that dying alien you seem to have living in your throat, Kallie. Give me a chicken-buddy.'

arriva derci, due mila otto

This is the time of year when humans go nuts making lists of things done and things to do because a committee somewhere in science and history determined that there needed to be a 'year' and it needed to end and begin in a single second. The rest of the birds, trees, beasties and elements go about their business because the whole calendar thing is pretty darn arbitrary, but we make lists because it helps with closure...which is another odd thing the birds, trees, beasties and elements don't need or understand. Here is the joshandkallie list of what 2008 was:
The Year of the Penny- we adopted our spotty darling and all the accompanying bliss and chaos. We learned of her affection for trash and discovered some mad skills in the area of hallway racing.
The Year of the Pavilion- we came to terms with the architectural actuality of the 'addition' on our house, tore the 'walls' out and created a rad 'pavilion'. (available for weddings and functions and ideal for karaoke parties)
The Year of Gainful Employment- Josh became a Creative Design Manager and i became a Marketing Coordinator. We discovered what 2 full-time salaries feels like... and what 2 full-time schedules feels like. i take comfort in having a smaller salary but a bigger and better office.
The Year of the CityLetter- we took trips to San Francisco to party with the Party family, to Portland to visit all kinds of peeps, to the coast to camp in happiness, and to Bremerton & Seattle to visit old housemate John and old college mates J & Winter. There were also a handful of trips to Oroville and Lodi but i can't seem to finish those letters....
The Year of Triumph Over Critters- we ousted - and more importantly, KEPT OUT - the possums/skunks/raccoons that had taken up residence in our walls.
The Year of Milestones- Josh became an official Nazarene, got his iPhone and new tv, Travis turned 30, Kassie & Frank got married, and i got a NEEEWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!
The Year of Gas Prices, Fires, Primaries, Presidents, & Recessions- we feel like we only had 5 conversations this year, and had them over and over and over and over again.
The Year Our House Turned 50- if you're asking yourself 'wtf?' then you obviously missed the party.
The Year of the New Blog Design- in case you hadn't noticed. Be sure to vote for the next theme. And vote right, dammit. (Don't play dumb, you know what that means.)

Since i stumbled upon and watched The Bridges of Madison County over the weekend (and subsequently cried my eyes out), i shall steal good year-end quote from Clint Eastwood. It's nothing earth-shattering, but i kind of like my earths unshattered every once in a while: "Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort."

jealous?

i have a soft, toasty pit bull sleeping in my office, under my desk right now. Of course, i went to all the effort to bring her dog bed in, but she has no need for that, because she NEEDS TO LAY BY MY FEET NO MATTER WHERE MY FEET ARE OR WHAT THEY'RE DOING SERIOUSLY KALLIE DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE THE SAFETY OF YOUR FEET BECAUSE THIS NICE OFFICE IS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN AND I WILL DIE I WILL DIE I WILL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

(i took a picture with my cell phone but i can't post it here. It's a picture of a perfectly good dog bed which gets plenty of puppy love at home, lying unused about 11 inches from the dog who has wedged herself under my desk while simultaneously wrapping herself around the wheels of my chair. And occasionally she woofs at invisible and, if you ask me, nonexistant threats. Also, when the very nice HR rep came by with her very nice Aussie, Penny went ballistic, (and not in the ebullient 'oh i'm so happy to meet you!' way) because it's not like our HR person is the decision maker for office dog policies or anything.....So much for teamwork. )

Dogs Rule Day

An International Holiday for Dogs
Saturday, October 11th

Pedigree was kind enough to offer 101 ways to celebrate, including suggestions like:
"If your dog is a border collie, pretend to be a sheep"
"Bark at the postman with her"
and "Sing him a song. Maybe wear a costume."
Other less embarrassing suggestions for celebrating include:
"Donate a dog bed/bag of food/your time to a shelter"
and "Go to the pound and say 'hi' to all the dogs."
See? you don't even have to have a dog to celebrate!

When it becomes Fall ('it' being the season), as it is wont to do, i resist work and desire only to stay inside and read on my couch in a blanket while my dog lies as close to me as possible and snores and snorts the day away.

Mostly, the point of this post was so that i could use the phrase 'as it is wont to do'.

Odds and Ends

i love the new Microsoft commercials with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. i know i'm alone in this but i don't care. They're obscure and long and Bill Gates is odd in a different way that most oddballs are odd, but i love them. i would watch a Gates and Seinfeld movie, even if- NO! especially if was just a very long version of these ads.

This morning Cosmo desperately wanted to be in the bathroom, so i made sure he would live to regret that and i pulled him into the shower with me and gave him a good scrubbing. We used Dove shampoo because he has real beauty, not like those fake airbrushed cats in all the ads. i'd forgotten how awesome he looks when he's dripping wet and how miraculous it is that i always make it out of those situations with all my main arteries in tact.

This evening we're flying to Washington on Alaska Airlines. (i hope the pilot doesn't get confused.) i checked in online and printed out our boarding passes on yellow paper so i'd be able to find them in my giant purple purse. i put a box of saltine crackers in my suitcase because flying gives me the barfs. This is why i don't have room for tennis shoes, Winter. We're staying with John and Kahlua tonight, and i wonder if she'll remember me and if she'll still be pretty. i'll probably come back with black dog hair all over me, and it'll mix with the omnipresent white dog hair and i'll look like a zebra.

i dreamt about credit union data last night. This is not a good sign.

This movie looks amazing. ->

A friend of a friend is going to be a contestant on a reality dating show on a major network. She had to tell the cameras what she loved about the guy, even though she has yet to meet him. Is anything about reality tv real anymore?

On Friday i'm going to do yoga for the first time. All signs point to it also being the last time, but don't place your bets just yet. i'm attracted to a fitness regiment that you can perform in bare feet and that doesn't involve being in water.

i'm kind of regretting putting that Meryl Streep picture up because it's scaring the bejesus out of me.

If you know someone who is not a U.S. Citizen or is otherwise denied voting rights, but would like to vote in this election, let me know, because i'm thinking of loaning my vote out. If you're upset, blame my friend Charlie for giving me the idea. i want my vote to go to someone who believes in the decision they're going to make. At this point, i'm not there, but we'll see. And not to underrate the democratic process, because i truly appreciate that my country is a democracy and that i can participate, but voting in presidential elections is just about the laziest way of using one's voice. One 5 minute action every four years does not make us involved citizens. Don't get me wrong, every time i've voted i've worn the 'I voted!' sticker proudly until it just won't stay on my shirt anymore, but if we want to see our country reach its potential then we have to do more than watch pundits gripe all day, vote, then gripe for 4 more years. There are elected officials who are paid to represent us and cannot do so if they don't know what we stand for. i'm using the first person plural because i'm about the laziest citizen there is, so if you're feeling defensive, it's only because you're a self-absorbed martyr and not because i'm attacking you. (Except for the part where i called you a self-absorbed martyr.) i'm done now. Just had to get this sticky stuff out of the way before Josh fixed the comments and people could argue with me.

my office is going to the dogs

Victory!! i campaigned for it and now my employer is inviting pooches to the office on October 10. In the words of our VP, "Take Your Dog to Work Day calls attention to the wonderful companions dogs make and encourages pet adoptions from animal shelters, humane societies and rescue groups." (it helped my cause that she's on the board of directors at Haven Humane Society) i hope it will go very well, have an overwhelmingly positive response, and result in more frequent doggie allowances. Monthly dog days!! DAILY dog days!!

If you'd like your employer to consider dog allowances, direct the big cheeses to any number of articles about the positive effects of dog-friendly work environs. Por ejemplo: "Two-thirds of dog owners would work longer hours and a third would take a pay cut if they could bring their pet to the office, according to a survey carried out by website Dogster.com and Simply Hired, an U.S. jobs website. [...] "Companies with dog-friendly policies just get it," said Ted Rheingold, CEO of Dogster. "They're breeding a class of happy and loyal employees. After all, who wouldn't be happy working with their best friend?"
Dogs help lower stress levels and build camaraderie among workers, Rheingold argued. [...]Companies that welcome dogs tend to be tech giants such as Apple, Amazon, and Google. But in general, small firms with fewer than 50 employees emerged as the most pet-friendly, with California having the lion's share of such companies."

The articles cite several reasons for the advantages, including employees not having to run home to care for dogs, not having to pay for dog sitters or walkers, and the calming presence of a furry friend sleeping under the desk. Some suggestions for keeping sanity in the office include a '3 strikes' rule for dogs with bathroom or behavior issues, providing antihistamines for allergic employees and visitors, zero tolerance flea policies, and baby or pet gates to keep critters out of the way of coworkers.

(Yup, that's a really cheesy picture. Deal with it.)

things i determined this weekend

Wood paneling is the devil

i need much more bookshelving

White dogs are impossible to keep clean

i probably shouldn't wear a diamond ring while i paint

Watermelon is just as good as Hersheys bars

i need a studio to artify in; no space = no art

Pebble is my new favorite wall color