from the mouths of fake-news comedians

i make no secret of my affection for Stephen Colbert, his show, and his general schtick. This segment exemplifies so much of what i love about him, and it includes Bill O'Reilly demonstrating his utter dumbassery, so it's a real winner. Colbert's last exhortation here is chillingly accurate about our culture's ugly little truth- that almost no one really wants to or likes helping the poor.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog March to Keep Fear Alive

a world full of wishywashers

Chickadees, the abuse of the ellipses has become an epidemic of grammatical proportions. No one declares anything anymore, they just.... suggest.... or think...... or hint.... Statements themselves are being distorted into these half-thoughts: "That was an excellent movie...." Where is the other half?? When does the other shoe drop? But what? Because i assume there's a 'but' since the ellipses indicate another thought closes out this first thought. No? No but? You just thought it was an excellent movie? Well then say so. Look, i'll show you how: "That was an excellent movie." You only have to hit the . button once, so you see, it actually saves you time and effort. Facebook is the official festering breeding ground for ellipsabuse. "Finished my essay...." "Heading to the deli...." "Happy Veterans Day...." No one wants to be definitive anymore; status after status is hemmed and hawed and everyone just keeps trailing off...................................................................................................................................................................

If nothing closes out the thoughts, we're all just an endless, low buzzing sound of vague incompleteness, hesitating at the brink of complete ideas. (i have a friend, we'll call her Ryn Losten, who is oft frustrated by Canadians' tendency to bend their voices up? At the end of every sentence? So that everything is a question? "Just say it!" Ryn Losten wants to roar. Or at least, she did that one time at the Canadian guy on my tv. This is nearly equal to my feelings about people who always ellipsize their statements. i oft roar at my computer and text messages.)

Let's get official: ellipses are used to indicate omission from a quote. Por ejemplo, the best-known portion of the famous poem on the Lady Liberty's monument:

Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,/The wretched refuse of your teeming shore./Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,/I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

(Quick pause to consider how well or poorly our nation represents that sentiment. (Hi Arizona!))

If we want to truncate that quote, ellipses would be used to remove non-essentials and we could still express the fundamentals thusly: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...send these...to me, I lift my lamp." Orrrr we could do something snarky like this: "Send these, the homeless...to...the...door!" but that would be a dishonest use of the ellipses and the quote. (See: any reality show ever)

Ellipses also have a less technical usage, and this is the part that gets egregiously abused. Talking points from Grammar Girl:

"A number of style guides say that ellipses can be used to indicate a pause or falter in dialog, the passage of time, an unfinished list, or that a speaker has trailed off in the middle of a sentence or left something unsaid. For example, The Chicago Manual of Style states, “Ellipsis points suggest faltering or fragmented speech accompanied by confusion, insecurity, distress, or uncertainty.” The Manual contrasts ellipses with dashes, which it states should be reserved for more confident and decisive pauses. ...Use ellipses sparingly to indicate hesitation or faltering speech or thoughts."

Please, fellow speakers-of-English, let's not dilute the language further than it already has been. Don't be afraid of what you're saying. And if you're using the ellipses to shyly invite a response, which i believe is one reason many apply it so generously, then buck up, confidently assert your place in the conversation, and alter your wording accordingly. "I'm wondering what your schedule is...." is passive and a bit off-putting. Just ask me what my schedule is, or i will start responding to the ellipses statement for what it is: "i'm sorry that the mystery of my schedule is giving you faltering thoughts and causing you hesitation." And then we will both be annoyed, which is unfortunate.

i leave you now with a scene from classic (drug-addled) literature. It's not exactly tailored to this subject, but it is suited to the general idea of saying that which we mean:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he SAID was, `Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

`Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. `I'm glad they've begun asking riddles.--I believe I can guess that,' she added aloud.

`Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said the March Hare.

`Exactly so,' said Alice.

`Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

`I do,' Alice hastily replied; `at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.'

`Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. `You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, `that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

`You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, `that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

`It IS the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn't much.

(insert rant title here)

Rawr rawr rawr GIFT RECIEPTS!!!! rawr rawr NOT THAT COMPLICATED A SYSTEM!!! rawr rawr rawr rawr saves YOUR money and the recipient's time rawr rawr otherwise both parties LOSE rawr lowest sale price rawr rawr rawr FORTY NINE CENTS FOR RECEIVING BLANKETS?!?! rawr rawr rawr rawr return policies rawr corporate retail rawr rawr rawr.

(Thank goodness for Macy's and Kohls, whose return policies are actually customer-friendly and make everyone else's look like poopy-covered Nazism.)

tirades available upon request

A blog-less friend was recently lamenting the abuses of those esteemed systems: social networking sites, and asked that i take the fight to the people (you know, the 2 people who follow my ramblings). Blogs are lovely because you're mostly anonymous and therefore unaccountable for that which you self-righteously spew. To counter that shifty reality, i give you this nugget to de-anonymize myself: i once accidentally torched my family's whole front yard in an effort to get the toilet paper out of our trees after my older brother's 'friends' toilet papered our property, even though said brother was living over six hundred miles away at the time. (super cool prank, guys) There, now you KNOW me on a deep (yet non-biblical) level.

Social networking sites: (ie Facebook) The purpose is for parties with mutual interests to come together and share those mutual interests. Friends share friendships, fans fanaticize the objects of their fantasies, charities connect with likehearted individuals, and kicks and giggles are shared by people of mutual kickable-gigglage. What makes it work is the natural connections of commonality and the natural divergence of those without any overlapping interests. For something so tech-based, it is actually quiet organic in function. Being thus, the network should not be forced. Unfortunately, there are 3 main categories of abusers who force the network to do things it shouldn't, and i'm calling them out.

(*precursor: when i mention repeated requests i don't mean a 2nd request, because that could be the result of someone forgetting they already made an initial request. i'm talking about the 3rd, 4th, 5th requests and beyond.)

Abuser 1: the Alma Mater Bludgeoner

This is the guy or girl who went to the same high school as you and considers that reason enough for you to be Facebook friends. You probably never even knew him/her in high school, he/she may not have been in your graduating class, and maybe you're both already in the FHS RULZ! GO COUGARS!! fan club, but this person still thinks you should be FRIENDS. You scan for mutual friends, don't see any of significance, hit "Ignore." Then the bludgeoning begins: a few days later, there's another request. You hit "Ignore", this time with emphasis (only the emphasis of a mouse click is for naught, sadly). A few days later, ANOTHER REQUEST! Now, if they're so convinced they're deserving of friendship, wouldn't they send a note along with your request? Like, 'remember? you cheated off my quiz that one time in remedial PE?' or 'hey, i don't know if you remember me, but i had the locker next to yours and i used to try to smell your hair while you pretended i didn't exist.' Even if it were bizarre, the explanation would at least give the repeated requests some legitimacy. But a lack of note is the first sign of an Alma Mater Bludgeoner. They simply have no concept of how a social network works and are only friend-collectors. Deny these people: if you've already let them in, delete them. 9 out of 10 won't even notice and the 1 who does is actually not a Bludgeoner, but has just been outed as a creepy stalker and you don't want to encourage that kind of behavior anyway. (if you do, you probably luuUUUuuv Twilight and have deeper issues that i don't feel like dealing with.)

Abuser 2: the Pious Pusher

i can't tell you how many times i've declined one friend's invitation to become a fan of a particular charity for clean water in a certain country. It's not because i don't think there sh

ould be clean drinking water for everyone on the planet (believe me, i do) but because i have a personal policy to choose my charities carefully, lest i become one of those who 'stands for everything and falls for anything.' i subscribe to the quality over quantity system of charity. i have certain issues and causes that are important to me because of my interests and background and i can better focus on them if i don't have 35 other fanpages/groups to keep up with. If i see someone in my news feed joining the fandom of charity after charity, i form the opinion that that person is more a fan of looking charitable than of actually doing good. This is where the haters stand up and declare me THE MOST DEFENSIVE CYNIC EVERRRRR! which is partly true, so there. Now try sailing without any wind, haters! Anyway: Pious Pusher who has invited me to support the Haiti Water Project at least 10 times- your first few requests were part of a noble effort, but the last 7 made you seem like a self-righteous, judgmental jerk, especially since you never actually talk to me or engage in any other way. Do not abuse the network system. Cut your losses and spend your energy on parties who share your focus.

Abuser 3: the Boorish Blogger

This abuser has a wordpress or blogspot blog in addition to alllll the time and updating they put into their Facebook. The abuse comes in to play when they repeatedly suggest that you become a fan or follower of their blog. Often, the Boorish Blogger is already posting links to their blog in their statuses and updates, so you've already been repeatedly introduced to the blog. If this is the case, there's no need for ANY formal suggestion or request of your fanship, because if you saw anything you liked in their repeated posts, you would've taken the initiative to become a fan or follower already. Remember- social networking is an organic system and process. If they have to ask, it's probably already a lost cause and repeated requests only make them seem intrusive and desperate. With both the Pious Pusher and Boorish Blogger, if you're in regular face-to-face contact with the Abuser, their repeated online requests are in fact putting you in an awkward position and are therefore rude. Sidebar: i once had a job that was very dull, and my boss had the 4-inch thick, enormous "Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" which she instructed i read during the slow hours. They were all slow hours, so i got very acquainted with etiquette. Any repeated request after an initial decline is poor etiquette, a repeated request by someone that you become THEIR fan, is especially off-putting.

Did i miss any form of abuse? Comment sections are for explaining, kitties. Use it.

If you or someone you know....or someone you don't know who keeps sending you requests....fit the description of one or more of these abuser profiles, please seek help and direct them to do the same. Take a step back and think about if you really want to force your self or your cause onto others and thereby manipulate a perfectly functional organic system into one of awkward obligation and falsehood. Life is already packed full of obligation, don't make it worse. JUST LET IT BE!

sum of all fears

Our dearest darling dog, Penny, is a mutt of some sorts, but is mostly pit bull.
In case you've been living under a rock for 10 years, pit bulls are unilaterally feared and hated because they breathe fire and murder virgins and traffic humans across borders to harvest their organs and stuff. They're large, sleek and muscular, so they tend to attract owners who prioritize strength and, subsequently, violence in the same way small, curly-haired and simpering dogs attract little old ladies and girls with large purses. The different appearances and temperments of dog breeds are what make them the #1 household pet of humans; this is why it works. Anyway, pits attract jerks and bottom feeders like Michael Vick and that creepy guy who lives around the corner, and these a-holes rear their dogs in irresponsible, dangerous ways and then the rest of the world goes, 'Bad dogs! Inherently evil! Should be banned from breathing oxygen! Gahhhhh!'
There are bright spots: pit bull rescue organizations like Villalobos and celebrity advocates like Rachel Ray (hey! she's good for something!) and just about every time we take Penny out on local walking trails at least one person will fawn over her and share their own pro-pit testimony. i don't doubt that for every 1 local fan there are 5 people who shoot dagger-eyes as soon as we pass and move their children to the other side of the trail when they see us coming, but phooey on them.
i'm aware that there are bad pits out there and people are allowed to form their opinion on their experiences. My friend was a police officer in the Bay Area for 6 years and she witnessed things that will prevent her from ever being completely comfortable around pit bulls. i will probably never own a German Shepherd because of the time our family pet threatened me. Experiences should form our opinions, though, not fear-mongering or gossip.
A lecture is not why i started this post, but apparently i woke up on the defensive side of the bed.
We have a pit-mutt. We adopted her from a local rescue group who had busted her out of the pound before she could be euthanized; she was in the pound because her owner was a shady character and had been taken to court. She is needy and neurotic but also loyal and silly and affectionate and she's learning to catch treats. Here is a list of things our big, scary, baby-killing dog is absolutely terrified by:

-tape measures, both the hardware kind for measuring walls and the sewing kind for measuring sleeves
-ladders
-cell phones
-cameras
-hairspray
-wrapping paper
-showerheads
-small plastic tubes
-Furminators

Not scared of but maybe should be? Fire. Possums. Mormons. Don't look for the rhyme or reason. She's a strange dog, befitting her environment and owners i suppose. She's available for loan if you need some dog therapy or want to do a pit test run before adopting your own.

questionable fences

We got a note from our neighbors in our mailbox today, asking us to please clean up our front yard asap as it is an eyesore. i'm pretty upset about it, mostly because i'm already embarrassed by the state of our yard on a daily basis and to have a stranger point it out only drives the point further. i'm also upset because there's very little we can do about how ugly it is. There's no sprinkler system to water what little grass there may or may not be from month to month, and we can't afford to put one in anyway. We're trying to make house payments and car payments and pay for the air conditioner that died, and in between those bills we eek out what few projects we can handle on the inside of the house. The front yard was in shambles when we purchased our home and will require a major overhaul to beautify it, as in, completely excavating it and rearranging everything. Until then, we have no desire or ability to dump a hundred dollars here and there into making it semi-presentable. If you know what our parents' yards look like you know what kind of standards we come from. Suffice it to say, we hate our yard too and no neighbor can possibly be more embarrassed by it than we are. We know ours is the ugliest house on the block and knowing that sucks. But we don't have a functional bath tub. And there's mold growing where the dog likes to lay all day. And there are portions of dirt floor. And there are areas where there's no real ceiling. And when it rains we have to come home from work to divert the deluge from flooding our living room. Not to mention less drastic but nonethless bothersome items, like the fact that if you're not careful, you'll hit your head on the sink when you're on the toilet, or the presence of cheap wood paneling where there should be insulation and dry wall, or the shower door with the fugly crane embossed on it. When they bought their home (the same time we bought ours) there was already grass and landscaping. When we bought ours, it was a wreck. The only thing growing at 1142 Walnut was the pot the previous owners were growing in the garage. That should give you an idea of the kind of upkeep that wasn't happening before we took possession. We do take pride in our home, but when our hands are tied, where is that pride supposed to go? It sucks.

hipster 101

i've been labeled a hipster. This is incorrect. The problem is the occasional convergence of Actual Fashion (which i casually follow) with Hipster Garb. Certain elements of Actual Fashion, such as the reimagining of some 80s and early 90s staples, have found their way into Hipster Garb. This has resulted in the lay person's confusion of Hipster Garb with Actual Fashion. This is an understandable, yet grave, mistake: hipsters do not follow fashion trends (according to them) and are generally immune to labels like 'trendy' (according to them). To imply that they are guided by even the most respectable fashion mores would be to imply they are not 100% autonomously, edgily creative and is therefore insulting. Here is a list of identifying characteristics of hipsters:

The female hipster only wears flat-soled shoes: pointy-toe flats, throwback sneakers like Keds or deck shoes, or short, slouchy 80s boots.
The male hipster only wears heeled shoes, most often dapper boots that barely fit under their very skinny pants. On off-days they may wear crusty old Vans.

Both male and female hipsters only wear skinny pants. Only. Whereas the female fashionista wears her skinny jeans with tall boots or heels to appear long and thin like a runway model, the female hipster wears her skinny jeans with lumpy moccasins or slouchy boots to look stumpy and anti-fashion.

Hipsters only wash their hair once every 5.7 days. Their hairstyles range between 'complicated rat's nest' and 'complicated bed head'. Natural dirt, oil, and grease are always a styling factor. This results in a generally dull sheen because they are contrary to traditional social structures of Dick-and-Jane cleanliness.

When they are not drinking espresso or coffee they made in their French press, hipsters drink beer. Most are committed to the most obscure microbrews they can find; the more ironic hipster subsets drink Natty Ice or other canned varieties to indicate they are not bound by quaint conventions of Quality or Independence.

Hipsters wear thick-rimmed glasses, a la Ryan Adams, but that's not where they got the idea. Even though most of them worship Ryan Adams.

All hipsters are either in a band, dating someone who is in a band, or live with someone who is either in a band or is dating someone in a band. They are committed to their art, or to the art of the person they are dating.

Hipsters name their babies Roscoe and Clementine.

Hipster males are likely to sport fungal mustaches. Hipster females may have sleeve tattoos.

Now you may be able to spot the hipsters in your neighborhood! For further reference, see these quality indexes of observation. If there are an alarming number of hipsters congregating at your local coffee shop, a purebred dog released into the group will disperse them promptly. If you are confronted by one, using the term 'hipster' will render the same effect as thrusting a crucifix at a vampire. If you're afraid you're in danger of becoming a hipster, immediately stop finding ways to be ironic. Inject generalities of all kinds into your life. Wear cargo shorts. Examine your pictures and journals from junior high when being awkward and nerdy was actually real and horrible and not a cheeky way to be an individual.

And here in their glory are The Hipster Olympics:

public, private, potato, tomato

This may come as a shock to you (though it should not) but i do not shower daily. Or regularly. i have superhuman pH levels and a very sedentary lifestyle, both of which contribute to my ability to stay stink-free without bathing for several days. Sometimes, alluding to my lifestyle, my dear spouse will tease me and call me things like 'Stinky.' i do not charge him $4,000 for this insult.

Here's the thing: Disney cash cow and general tween puppet Miley Cyrus was hanging out with her friends in private and taking pictures. One picture was of everyone pulling their eyes and looking squinty. The picture was leaked to the internet and uproar ensued over her racial insensitivity and the poor behavior she is demonstrating for her fans. Now Miley is being sued by one woman who claims to be representing 1 million people, and she believes Miley owes each of those 1 million people $4,000 for the offense caused, totaling $4 billion. Never mind that
A- Miley's actions were in private, not on stage or on her show or at an endorsed appearance.
B- One of the friends in the picture is Asian.
C- She is a teenager, and sometimes that population of humanity goofs off and does stupid stuff.

When did it become okay to sue someone for hurting your feelings? and why do our feelings get hurt when someone calls attention to the basic markers of diversity? And if Miley Cyrus truly feels offensively toward another race, i think she's been raised by her parents and groomed by her Disneyness enough to know that you behave offensively behind someone's back, not with them in the same room. The presence of her Asian friend in the photo communicates that she probably was not making squinty eyes in an effort to communicate her race's superiority. And again, private gathering, private picture. It's interesting how the 'reporting' on this picture never mentions where it came from. Three guesses that it wasn't from Miley herself or someone with good intentions.

i can't say if i'm a fan of hers or not because i've never seen her show or heard one of her songs, but she is a singer and an actress, and not a 'lifecoach' and should therefore be held accountable for her singing and her acting only, not on every move she makes as a private citizen.

Moving on...

Michael Phelps has won 14 gold medals and he's only 23. You can't win gold medals, let alone that many, unless you're healthy and disciplined and responsible enough to endure the training and competition. Michael went to a private party and smoked marijuana; someone took a picture of it and sold/gave it to the media, so now Michael Phelps, who has 4 years until the next Olympics, is having to answer to the public about his actions. If he is an Olympian, and that's how we know him and what we praise him for and in whatever capacity made 'his job,' then what he does in private 4 years before needing to report to work is not our business unless it effects his job performance. A bong hit will not effect his backstroke in 2012. If it does, we have the right to be upset in 2012, but not until then. Also? private gathering, private actions. None of our business. Okay, play the 'marijuana is illegal' card (and wave it around in righteous indignation). Are you sure Michael doesn't have a license to partake of medicinal ganga? And when was the last time you went a WEEK without breaking a law? i broke one this morning. And this afternoon. And i'll probably break it on my way home. EASE UP. And i defer to my fantasy boyfriend Seth Meyers to finish up the Phelps portion of this diatribe:


i heard a recent interview wherein Brad Pitt was musing about how our culture requires actors to promote their projects by attending several talk shows/late night shows/magazine interviews etc and discussing their romantic lives. To a certain extent, the amount of awards a project and its participants receive is also based on this 'campaigning'. So here's the logic: an actor is paid to pretend he is someone else in a television show or a movie. The success of the movie or television is based largely on the actor telling strangers about his family and his sex life. Say it with me: HUH?? When a celebrity complains about the microscope they live under we wag our fingers and say 'but this is what you signed up for,' but you know what? not really. They signed to act or sing and we as a society added alot of fine print once we decided we liked or were interested in them, so if they want to KEEP their job, they have to sign on the dotted line, while we film them doing it. And if they're a female, we have to see if we can get a picture up their skirt while they're signing. In blood.

Now you're wondering what any of this has to do with me not showering. And you're wondering when i last showered. That's none of your business :) (see how i did that?)

support magnet addiction therapy

Today i saw a van (down by the river, no less!) that had no fewer than 10 magnetic 'cause' ribbons it. Autism awareness, breast cancer research, POW memorial, MIA memorial, generic patriotism, September 11th....etc. i didn't feel like tailing the woman home just make a complete list.
We've all heard the quote: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." It seems this person interpreted that as "If you don't stand for everything, you'll fall down"...or something. When it comes to charity or 'support' in this context, does the 'quality before quantity' rule apply? Or is it jaded of me to question whether there's a point where people are just committed to commitment, rather than committed to a cause? i'm addicted to Orbit bubblemint, so it's not illogical that someone else can be addicted to the high from having a reputation as a philanthropist.
Then again, there are amazing people out there who give and give and give and truly support what they believe in. Maybe this driver is a breast cancer survivor with an autistic child and POWs and MIAs in her family. Quite possible. On the other hand, what purpose do those magnets serve? They don't say "Ask me how you can help find a cure for Autism!" Sure, the money you pay for the magnet goes toward that purpose, but after that, what does it communicate to other drivers? That you should let them in your lane because you're a giving, supportive person, that's what.The thing about the causes so widely proclaimed from tailgates is that they're the most well-known, 'popular' causes already, so it's not like you're actually raising any awareness about breast cancer by having a pink ribbon on your car. No one sees one of those and goes 'WHAT? Cancer? of the breast???! i never thought it possible!' You don't exactly see very many Calvarial Hyperostosis Awareness ribbons.
Ultimately these magnets just say 'This is a reality and it sucks.' (unless they're the puzzling kind that just say 'CHIHUAHUAS!!!'....actually, chihuahuas ARE an unfortunate reality...) They're meant as some sort of not-so-secret handshake between folks dealing with the same problems, a simple 'me too.' To that end, i can appreciate them, but i maintain there are at least 80 bajillion more classy ways of accomplishing the same purpose.

fortifido

Despite the many reasons to NOT partake in bottled water, Americans sure love it. And despite the current economic.... situation, we are a ridiculously wealthy group of people. You know how i know? i have a dog. No, it's not a non-sequiter, pet-ownership gives you a view into a very unique behavior of human kind, especially 1st world, Western behavior and what kind of markets and spending that creates. Por ejemplo, Penny got some cookies for Christmas. They're dog treats, but they look like cookies. Now, introduce me to a dog who will say 'oh! wonderful! they look just like little Snickerdoodles!' Or, for that matter, think about dog treats shaped and colored to look like T-bones. Unless your dog spends alot of time looking at and eating raw cuts of beef, i don't think even the smartest canine makes the connection when you hold out an inch-sized treat and say 'siiiiiiiiiit.' There's no association for the dog between the human-food representation and the shape and color of the treat. Thus, these products are solely for the human to enjoy giving. A cookie-shaped treat is more fun for you to give because YOU enjoy eating cookies more than you enjoy eating odd, brownish nuggets, so it's like an extra treaty treat for Fido and that makes you a better Alpha. Humans are funny like that. What's less funny and more disturbing is when we create, package, market and SELL this kind of BS:

It's bottled water, FOR YOUR DOG. This is the same dog who barks at his own farts, eats rope for fun, tries to stick her head through a closed doggie door...TWICE, is scared of wrapping paper, and a billion other odd/unintelligent/vile/goony things canines do. REALLY. There are four flavors of this stuff: peanut butter, parsley, lemongrass and spearmint. Penny loves anything peanut butter, most dogs do, but lemongrass? seriously? spearmint? Your dog isn't going to take a few sips and turn and tell you 'wow, that's really refreshing with the mint, thank you Alan. We should try some with fresh raspberries too.' The premise of course is that this water is fortified with nutrients and vitamins your dog needs for a healthy life. To that i say BUY BETTER DOG FOOD. Or, you know, BUY VITAMINS FROM YOUR VET. They're probably alot more effective than the (literally) watered down version that a dog Penny's size would need 2 quarts of every day. (that's 2 bottles of Fortifido. Every. Day. (all bottles sold seperately)) The spearmint flavor also acts as a breath freshener, but i doubt it would take very many tongue baths around the ol' dog-gina to cancel out that benefit.
Cookies and t-bones: weird, but whatever. 1 box lasts several months, you recycle or re-use it when you're done and that's that. 2 plastic bottles of water a day so your dog can get vitamins it should be getting from its food or its doctor? Excessive, and evidence of a society with its priorities on ass backwards.

Glossed Over

Coming on the heels of my Princess Tirade, it's going to seem that i'm a wooly-armpitted, angry women's studies major. If you know me, you know my armpits are only wooly out of laziness, not politics, and that i love eyeliner and boots with heels that make chiropractors cringe, and that my absolute LEAST favorite reading assignments in my literature major were anything remotely feminist or 'empowering'.

i used to get InStyle and i frequently purchased Vanity Fair and occasionally Vogue. i also used to spend $30 on paper thin t-shirts at J Crew. i also used to crimp my hair so i could look like Vicki Vale. i also used to pick my nose and eat dry dog food. Point: i used to do stupid things. i don't do (most of) those anymore, but you know who's still doing the same stupid stuff they did 20 years ago? Fashion magazines. i realize that these esteemed publications make no bones about selling illusion and discontent, but seeing as how the world is getting wiser and more troubled, the contrast of ideals is ever more glaring. It's not limited to the glossies, either. i looked through an issue of Real Simple that trumpeted a beauty routine that encouraged eye creams in the $400 dollar range (for the bulk discount of 2.5 ounces, naturally.) Seems realistic and simple to me.

A good outlet for rolling your eyes at such shenanigans is Glossed Over. It's one woman's response to the disappointment magazines like InStyle, Glamour, etc cause. What i appreciate about the author is that she loves fashion as an art but doesn't let that cancel out her common sense or her sense of injustice. She points out a single issue of Lucky that crows about an $85 dollar bronzer that will donate 5% of your purchase to endangered tigers, only to tell you how great fur coats look a few pages later. Or this nugget from a recent issue of Glamour:

$1,712: Value of the gift bag from Glamour’s Women of the Year gala. 68.75: Percent of honorees cited at least in part for their work improving the lives of women in poverty or oppressive situations.

Or InStyle's recent suggestion that you take the $200/month you'd spend on gas and spend it on 1 ounce of Wrinkle Serum and then just take public transportation. (oh! i see we're back to real simplicity.)

Anyway, it's refreshing and often funny. And i've pretty much stopped buying fashion magazines since i discovered this site, with the exception of the occasional Vanity Fair, which actually employs investigatory journalists who investigate things more significant than Healthy, Shiny Hair! or How Madonna Works Off the Holidays. i won't say that i've stopped eating dog food, but i HAVE stopped buying overpriced basic at J Crew. Cheers to me.

don't get me started on Barbie

Why do we evoke princesses when we want our daughters to have heroines and ideals? When we want to compare a sense of specialty, we say ‘he treated her like she was a princess.’ What is a princess?
“Non-reigning female member of a royal family.”
“The consort of a prince.”
“A woman member of a royal family other than the monarch, especially a daughter of a monarch.”
A princess is nothing more than importance by association. She is either married to a royal (glorified trophy wife) or the daughter of a royal (heiress). Really? Because when I hear the title ‘heiress’ I think of Paris Hilton and the likes of her ilk. And trophy wife? At the end of the day do you REALLY want your daughter to aspire to be like Melania Trump? Princesses have no value outside their statuses, which are not earned. They are born or married into privilege and did not work or demonstrate any talent to achieve that privilege. Phooey. Furthermore, idealization of princesses promotes inter-female hostility and general bitchery. Observe:

SNOW WHITE
Valued for her hair color, skin tone, royal parentage, soprano vibrato.
Your daughter learns: to be pretty, inherit something, and to win American Idol

Stepmother/Queen is jealous of SW’s hair so she makes plan to assassinate her.
Your daughter learns: that ugly girls are mean and jealous and will kill her for her beauty

SW escapes and lives in community with working class social pariahs: the 7 dwarves. They all get along famously and she contributes to the household.
Your daughter learns: to run away from her problems, move in with strange men and sleep in their beds

(not sure why the story can't end here since our heroine is safe, happy and still pretty, but i digress) The Dwarves warn her not to talk to strangers, something every 7 year old can grasp, but she totally flunks and not only talks to strangers, but eats whatever they put in her hand.
Your daughter learns: to accept that Pretty and Stupid go hand in hand, best not to fight it.

SW goes comatose and the equally-dim dwarves deem her dead and put her in a glass coffin. I guess they’re betting on her prettiness decomposing prettily.
Your daughter learns: pretty, even in death. Pretty is highest priority. Always be pretty and people will worship you. Pretty.

A prince happens upon this twisted scene, and goes all necro and insists on kissing the dead girl. It must have been some funky kiss because it functions as the heimlech maneuver and the poisoned fruit/choking hazard is dislodged. SW gets to marry this sexual deviant and go back to a castle and be a princess/queen for the rest of her life.
Your daughter learns: to accept marriage proposals from any handsome pervert with a good bank account, to abandon all skills learned in hard work, pursue lifestyle of leisure and beauty-worship.

THE LITTLE MERMAID (alias Ariel)
Valued for her appearance, miraculous seashell bra, singing voice
Your daughter learns: be pretty, have breasts that defy gravity, win American Idol

Ariel has a secret cave full of trinkets from the non-ocean world
Your daughter learns: to be a kleptomaniac archaeologist, but keep it secret lest anyone find out you have any hobby or interest besides singing and being a princess

Ariel spies on a ship, rescues the handsome prince from drowning, falls in love and sings about it.
Your daughter learns: hot guys are dumb and can’t swim, and we, the women, must swim for them.

Her father, King Triton, finds her secret treasure trove and smashes it all to pieces.
Your daughter learns: parents are the enemy and won’t understand your hobby or secret desire. Best to disobey them posthaste!

She has a meeting with the sea witch, a robust woman, who trades Ariel’s voice for a pair of legs and oxygen-breathing lungs.
Your daughter learns: fat girls are evil and always jealously seeking to destroy you, but dealing with evil is necessary to trade what God gave you for what you think you might want based on a cute boy you've never actually spoken to who may not even be single or interested in you.

She meets up with the prince and his dog, grins dopily the whole time because she can’t talk. They have an incredibly awkward date that she resolves by kissing him.
Your daughter learns: when the conversational chemistry isn’t there, just put out and the date will go much better. Also, giving up your voice, literally and figuratively, for the rest of your life is worth it if you have a guy who will worship you for your beauty and your dopey-girl charm.

The evil witch double-crosses her and uses her singing voice to steal her prince's affections.
Your daughter learns: jealous bitches will stop at nothing, and your boyfriend is a fickle, fickle beast who will instantly leave you for someone who can sing better.

Ariel and her pals crash the wedding, the evil witch and King Triton have a battle royale, and Ariel somehow ends up with legs, lungs AND voice. Thus, since she is the complete physical package, the prince likes her again and they marry and Ariel can never return to her family or her species.
Your daughter learns: completely change yourself to suit your man and all will be well.

SLEEPING BEAUTY, alias Aurora
Valued for her beauty, parentage, singing voice.
Your daughter learns: again, nothing worthwhile

At her christening, a jealous witch curses her so that she’ll prick her finger on a needle when she turns 16 and diiiiiiie. A kind fairy edits the curse from ‘diiiiiiie’ to ‘sleeeeeeeep’.
Your daughter learns: again, ugly girls are jealous, mean and violent. And they harness evil powers.

The king orders every needle in the kingdom destroyed and sends Aurora to live in the woods with the 3 benevolent old-lady fairies.
Your daughter learns: hide from danger, run from problems. Little old ladies are not rivals, but every other female is. (At least this one has female friends. All other princess-worthy sidekicks are either male or bizarrely androgynous.(see: Flounder))

16 years later, the princess and Prince Phillip meet in the woods and fall in love after duetting. The evil witch kidnaps Phillip and tricks Aurora into pricking her finger on an evil needle, sending her into an immediate coma.
Your daughter learns: to not use dirty needles, which is a good lesson. Although I can’t see how my cat can manage to remove every stick pin from my pin cushion and roll around in them without injuring himself, but this dummy walks right up to a needle and sticks her hand on it.

The good fairies rescue Phillip, who battles the witch and her evil forestation, and then he kisses Aurora and revives her from her coma. They marry and everyone lives happily ever after.
Your daughter learns: to just take a nap while everyone else does all the work because, after all, she looks so darn pretty when she sleeps and pretty trumps everything else. Also, marrying a relative stranger at 16 is perfectly acceptable if you are both adequately attractive and have royal titles you did nothing to earn.

Princess Jasmine (from Aladdin)
Valued for her midriff, giant eyeballs, and impressive rack. Also her royal family.
Your daughter learns: scantily clad women can be considered ‘exotic’ and it’s ok. Also, Bengal tigers make acceptable pets.

Meets a cute street rat, who then fakes his identity and pretends to be a rich prince come to woo her. She, of course, can only marry a prince.
Your daughter learns: to be blinded by wealth, pomp and circumstance.

They go on a magic carpet ride, he promises to show her a whole new world, which is made possible by a magic lamp that he stole from a tomb.
Your daughter learns: to consort with and drink up the promises of charming graverobbers, who are obviously lying.

Her father’s evil adviser, Jafar, evilly evils in order to get Jasmine to marry him and secure his evil plans.
Your daughter learns: that people with Middle Eastern accents are evil or inconsequential, since the only people in this movie with accents are evil or are extras.

Jasmine is trapped in an hour glass and Aladdin must battle Jafar. I can’t remember exactly but good triumphs and the cuties can marry even though Aladdin lied about everything, abandoned his friends and isn’t even a law-abiding citizen.
Your daughter learns: marry any deadbeat who looks good in hammer pants and a vest.

There are modern day princesses who I’m sure do significant philanthropic work between equestrian shows and parties, but they’re only included the stream of culture when tragedy or scandal touches them, so our daughters and nieces only ever know of the pretty-and-empty princess or the cocaine-and-sex-tape princess. One might say both are equally dangerous role models. I understand the reasoning behind princess-theory: we want our daughters to have self-worth and high standards and to expect excellent treatment from the men they date/love. I agree with those needs. But I don’t think that princess-worship is the best or the only way to instill that. It imposes limits on what she imagines a girl can grow up to be. Show me a 6 year old girl who dreams of becoming a deadly assassin and I’ll applaud that weird, bloodlusty little thing for believing she can break into the boys club. I want to meet a little girl and ask ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ and have her say ‘um a librarian or a commodities trader or a dolphin.’

i do want to extend a 'well done' to Pixar and its peers for the kid-flicks of the past few years: Madagascar, Wall-E, The Incredibles, Kung Fu Panda, etc., none of which include princesses or dopey damsels in distress and are about friendship and hard work and recycling instead of evil crones and dating.

A Treatise on Etiquette, from a girl who cusses alot

When did we as a society decide to abandon basic etiquette? i'm sure a number of theses have been written on the subject, under titles like 'The American Moral Decline' and other such cultural-y sounding names. But seriously. i get that people don't 'call on' each other anymore, we don't sit around parlors in the evenings while someone's daughter recites a sonnet (gag. (and now you see more of why i don't read any damn Jane Austen books.)), we don't give out favors at parties, we don't send thank-you cards or gifts...we just seem to hang out. In college my friend Whitney was one of the only people i knew who still regularly and naturally practiced some of the things that, when the rest of us would do it, would be EXTRA special or out of the ordinary or even mildly eccentric (is there such a thing as mildly eccentric? i don't know) And you know what? Whitney's family was Southern. i maintain that her Georgia roots had very much to do with that. i liked it. We've been to a few weddings recently and received 'thank you' cards for our presence and our gifts, but they've been generic, pre-printed things. Now, i don't go to weddings specifically to eventually get a gushing tome to my social and financial generosity, but the generic 'thank you' falls short. i dunno, something about a picture postcard printed with 'thanks for sharing in our special day!' doesn't convince me that you'd even know i was at your wedding if i hadn't signed the guest book, and that you weren't touched by the gift i spent all afternoon looking for because i wanted something more special than a measuring cup set from off your registry. Oh and i wrapped it myself. (ya, i'm a little needy and arrogant. i also take great pride in being a good gift-giver, and that pride makes me prideful and when it isn't acknowledged it hurts my pride.) So i don't necessarily think we all need our own monogrammed stationary for 'correspondence', but when someone is throwing a party and serving dinner, and she says RSVP and even gives her guests a really easy, impersonal way to do it: EMAIL: then why is it too much to ask? One of my theories is that we Californians are so tied to our beachy, left coast identity that certain laws of etiquette appear to conflict with that and we refuse them. No one loves that identity more than me, but isn't it fun to tell someone 'thanks for inviting me to your party! i'd love to come!'? And isn't a party more fun when there's just enough food for everyone without a bunch going to waste and a stressed out hostess? We need to strike a balance. We need to say 'please' and 'thank you', we need to accept or decline invitations, we need to say 'nice to meet you' and 'how is your family?' These do not conflict with our identities as 'go with the flow' Californians or with our rugged American independence. i promise.

If i've offended you or your practices, i apologize. (see what i did there? etiquette.) i didn't set out to verbally chastise, but rather express concern. (you can always tell the ramblings by their total lack of paragraph breaks) It's partly because i'm eyeball deep in Season 1 of Mad Men, which is set in 1960, when everything was courtesy and appearance and pre-determined. This show is fantastic and terrifying and i've never appreciated women and the feminist movement more.

Also, i know Johnny Law doesn't want you talking on your celly while driving so your talk-time is getting seriously squeezed, but please pause your conversation and put your phone away when you're checking out at the grocery store / cafe' / adult bookstore / whatever. That person standing by the cash register is not, amazingly, a robot, but in fact is a person who was probably hired in part for his/her customer service and interpersonal skills and you treating them as a machine is simply rude. If you're not finished with your conversation, ask your caller if he/she wouldn't mind holding while you make your purchase, set the phone down, complete the 42 second transaction, and then continue your conversation. i guarandamntee that you will impress at least 3 people with your behavior: the checker, your caller, and the jaded 27 year old girl in the brown sweater standing behind you in line. Unless you're in line at the adult bookstore. In that case i'm not wearing a brown sweater, but rather dark glasses and a fake mustache and a t-shirt that reads 'HI, MY NAME IS ALAN AND I LOVE SHOPPING HERE AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A PERV.' Your good example will inspire others and they'll pay it forward and this world will be a better place for all our nieces and nephews.

Also, be on time to your appointments and engagements.

Also, thanks for listening. i have to get these tirades out of the way before Josh fixes the comment feature on this bloggedry. Which he can't do because i'm always on the computer penning tirades.

Now if you'll excuse me, i've been putting off some much needed cleaning for an awesome party that, judging from the vacant RSVPs, no one is coming to.

...except for Pete, who just RSVP'd.

Odds and Ends

i love the new Microsoft commercials with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. i know i'm alone in this but i don't care. They're obscure and long and Bill Gates is odd in a different way that most oddballs are odd, but i love them. i would watch a Gates and Seinfeld movie, even if- NO! especially if was just a very long version of these ads.

This morning Cosmo desperately wanted to be in the bathroom, so i made sure he would live to regret that and i pulled him into the shower with me and gave him a good scrubbing. We used Dove shampoo because he has real beauty, not like those fake airbrushed cats in all the ads. i'd forgotten how awesome he looks when he's dripping wet and how miraculous it is that i always make it out of those situations with all my main arteries in tact.

This evening we're flying to Washington on Alaska Airlines. (i hope the pilot doesn't get confused.) i checked in online and printed out our boarding passes on yellow paper so i'd be able to find them in my giant purple purse. i put a box of saltine crackers in my suitcase because flying gives me the barfs. This is why i don't have room for tennis shoes, Winter. We're staying with John and Kahlua tonight, and i wonder if she'll remember me and if she'll still be pretty. i'll probably come back with black dog hair all over me, and it'll mix with the omnipresent white dog hair and i'll look like a zebra.

i dreamt about credit union data last night. This is not a good sign.

This movie looks amazing. ->

A friend of a friend is going to be a contestant on a reality dating show on a major network. She had to tell the cameras what she loved about the guy, even though she has yet to meet him. Is anything about reality tv real anymore?

On Friday i'm going to do yoga for the first time. All signs point to it also being the last time, but don't place your bets just yet. i'm attracted to a fitness regiment that you can perform in bare feet and that doesn't involve being in water.

i'm kind of regretting putting that Meryl Streep picture up because it's scaring the bejesus out of me.

If you know someone who is not a U.S. Citizen or is otherwise denied voting rights, but would like to vote in this election, let me know, because i'm thinking of loaning my vote out. If you're upset, blame my friend Charlie for giving me the idea. i want my vote to go to someone who believes in the decision they're going to make. At this point, i'm not there, but we'll see. And not to underrate the democratic process, because i truly appreciate that my country is a democracy and that i can participate, but voting in presidential elections is just about the laziest way of using one's voice. One 5 minute action every four years does not make us involved citizens. Don't get me wrong, every time i've voted i've worn the 'I voted!' sticker proudly until it just won't stay on my shirt anymore, but if we want to see our country reach its potential then we have to do more than watch pundits gripe all day, vote, then gripe for 4 more years. There are elected officials who are paid to represent us and cannot do so if they don't know what we stand for. i'm using the first person plural because i'm about the laziest citizen there is, so if you're feeling defensive, it's only because you're a self-absorbed martyr and not because i'm attacking you. (Except for the part where i called you a self-absorbed martyr.) i'm done now. Just had to get this sticky stuff out of the way before Josh fixed the comments and people could argue with me.

Ban, Schman

Presently, i am working my way through Vladimir Nobokov's infamous novel, Lolita. i say 'working my way through' because i am listening to the audio version, masterfully rendered by Jeremy Irons, and when i tell people i am 'reading an audio book' they scoff and say i'm not 'reading', but rather 'listening'. i scoff at the scoffers and smack them in the face with a white glove. So reading can only be done with the eyes? Or, for the blind, with fingertips? Nonsense. It is being engaged with a story and i am equally if not more engaged with an audiobook than i am with any bundle of paper and ink. But i digress.
Lolita is scandalous book, telling the story of the obsession Humbert Humbert has for 12-year-old 'nymphet' Dolores Haze. It is masterfully written, albeit quite squirm-inducing. The most unfortunate side effect of my being engrossed in it is the nagging persistence of that old Police song, 'Don't Stand So Close To Me,' the lyrics of which i don't really know, except for the repetitve chorus, a few snatches of phrase and the part: 'He sees her/He starts to shake and cough/Just like the old man in/That book by Nabokov'. (folks, finding a way to cite and rhyme Nabokov is no small feat. Well done, Sting.) i can't get it out my head. i'm starting to go as nuts as Humbert.
Anyway, Nabokov had a bugger of a time finding an American publisher for his book, due to its subject matter and it was banned in Britain and France. Having this on my mind, i looked up other banned books and found out that the American Library Association's 'Banned Book Week' is annually in the last week of September. FYI. i'm telling you this in advance so you can pick out what piece of political salaciousness you can indulge in and thereby give a big middle finger to the prunes who wouldn't let you do your 5th grade book report on Lady Chatterly's Lover.
i found a list of banned books from Forbidden Library and a few other sites, and here are the ones i've already read, not realizing most of them had such sordid histories, along with their reasons for banishment: (it should be noted that a ban can range from a government forbidding its crossing the border, to an elementary school library refusing to carry it)
1984, by George Orwell- 'for being pro-communist'
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain - ' too full of racially charged language'
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carrol - banned in China 'for portraying animals and humans on the same level'
All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque - Banned in Nazi Germany for demoralizing and insulting the Wehrmacht
Animal Farm, also by Orwell - 'because of anti-Stalin theme'
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank - 'due to "sexually offensive" passages'
As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner - 'for language and for being anti-Christian'
Beloved, by Toni Morrison - 'because of its language'
The Holy Bible - William Tyndale, who partially completed translating the Bible into English, was captured, strangled, and burned at the stake (1536) by opponents of the movement to translate the bible into the vernacular. Beginning around 1830, "family friendly" bibles, including Noah Webster's version (1833) began to appear which had excised passages considered to be indelicate
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley - 'because the book "centered around negative activity'
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown - 'for being "slanted."'
The Call of the Wild, by Jack London - Banned in Italy (1929), Yugoslavia (1929), and burned in Nazi bonfires (1932).
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger- 'due to "profanity, reference to suicide, vulgarity, disrespect, and anti-Christian sentiments."'
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, by Roald Dahl- because it 'espoused a poor philosophy of life.'
The Color Purple, by Alive Walker - due to its "troubling ideas about race relations, man's relationship to God, African history, and human sexuality."'
The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown - Banned in Lebanon after Catholic leaders deemed it offensive to Christianity
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury - Ironically, students in Irvine, Calif. received copies of the book with scores of words--mostly "hells" and "damns"--blacked out. The novel is about censorship.
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley - 'as "indecent, objectionable, or obscene".'
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell - ' because it uses the word "nigger."'
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck - 'because the book uses the name of God and Jesus in a "vain and profane manner along with inappropriate sexual references."'
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathon Swift -'denounced as wicked and obscene in Ireland'
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare
Huckleberry Finn, also by Twain - 'for the use of the word "nigger"'
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou - 'due to the poet's descriptions of being raped as a young girl'
James & the Giant Peach, also by Dahl - 'because the book contains the word "ass" and "promotes" the use of drugs (tobacco, snuff) and whiskey....and encourages children to disobey their parents and other adults.' (James's guardians were abusive, so he ran away)
King Lear, also Shakespeare -'Lear was performed in drastically adapted form--and boasted a happy ending in which Lear is restored to the throne and Cordelia survives.'
Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman - 'for the use of explicit language in some poems'
A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstein - 'because the book "enourages children to break dishes so they won't have to dry them."...and because some poems "glorified Satan, suicide and cannibalism, and also encouraged children to be disobedient."'
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, by CS Lewis - 'because it depicts "graphic violence, mysticism, and gore."'
Little House in the Big Woods and Little House on the Prairie, by Laura Ingalls Wilder - 'because it "promotes racial epithets and is fueling the fire of racism."' and 'because the book is "offensive to Indians."'
The Lorax, by Dr. Suess - 'because it "criminalizes the foresting industry."'
The Martian Chronicles, also by Bradbury - ' for profanity and the use of God's name in vain.'
The Merchant of Venice, also by Shakespeare - 'due to its portrayal of the Jewish character, Shylock'
My Friend Flicka, by Mary OHara - 'because the book uses the word "bitch" to refer to a female dog, as well as the word "damn."'
The Odyssey, by Homer - 'Caligula tried to suppress it because it expressed Greek ideals of freedom.'
Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut - 'because of "foul language, a reference to 'Magic Fingers' attached to the protagonist's bed to help him sleep, and the sentence: 'The gun made a ripping sound like the opening of the fly of God Almighty.' "'
Song of Solomon, also by Morrison - 'because it contains language degrading to blacks, and is sexually explicit.'
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee - 'because the book "represents institutionalized racism under the guise of 'good literature'."'
Twelfth Night, also by Shakespeare - 'because of a policy that bans instruction which has "the effect of encouraging or supporting homosexuality as a positive lifestyle alternative."'
Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - ' because the novel contains the word "nigger."'
Welcome to the Monkey House, also by Vonnegut - 'because the book promoted "the killing off of elderly people and free sex."'
Where the Sidewalk Ends, also by Silverstein -'because the book "suggests drug use, the occult, suicide, death, violence, disrespect for truth, disrespect for legitimate authority, rebellion against parents."'
Where's Waldo?, by Martin Handford - 'because there is a tiny drawing of a woman lying on the beach wearing a bikini bottom but no top.'

Kind of crazy. Remember, these are just the ones i've read- there are many, many more out there kept off the shelves and out of backpacks. Fight the good fight. Read to your kids.