hipster 101

i've been labeled a hipster. This is incorrect. The problem is the occasional convergence of Actual Fashion (which i casually follow) with Hipster Garb. Certain elements of Actual Fashion, such as the reimagining of some 80s and early 90s staples, have found their way into Hipster Garb. This has resulted in the lay person's confusion of Hipster Garb with Actual Fashion. This is an understandable, yet grave, mistake: hipsters do not follow fashion trends (according to them) and are generally immune to labels like 'trendy' (according to them). To imply that they are guided by even the most respectable fashion mores would be to imply they are not 100% autonomously, edgily creative and is therefore insulting. Here is a list of identifying characteristics of hipsters:

The female hipster only wears flat-soled shoes: pointy-toe flats, throwback sneakers like Keds or deck shoes, or short, slouchy 80s boots.
The male hipster only wears heeled shoes, most often dapper boots that barely fit under their very skinny pants. On off-days they may wear crusty old Vans.

Both male and female hipsters only wear skinny pants. Only. Whereas the female fashionista wears her skinny jeans with tall boots or heels to appear long and thin like a runway model, the female hipster wears her skinny jeans with lumpy moccasins or slouchy boots to look stumpy and anti-fashion.

Hipsters only wash their hair once every 5.7 days. Their hairstyles range between 'complicated rat's nest' and 'complicated bed head'. Natural dirt, oil, and grease are always a styling factor. This results in a generally dull sheen because they are contrary to traditional social structures of Dick-and-Jane cleanliness.

When they are not drinking espresso or coffee they made in their French press, hipsters drink beer. Most are committed to the most obscure microbrews they can find; the more ironic hipster subsets drink Natty Ice or other canned varieties to indicate they are not bound by quaint conventions of Quality or Independence.

Hipsters wear thick-rimmed glasses, a la Ryan Adams, but that's not where they got the idea. Even though most of them worship Ryan Adams.

All hipsters are either in a band, dating someone who is in a band, or live with someone who is either in a band or is dating someone in a band. They are committed to their art, or to the art of the person they are dating.

Hipsters name their babies Roscoe and Clementine.

Hipster males are likely to sport fungal mustaches. Hipster females may have sleeve tattoos.

Now you may be able to spot the hipsters in your neighborhood! For further reference, see these quality indexes of observation. If there are an alarming number of hipsters congregating at your local coffee shop, a purebred dog released into the group will disperse them promptly. If you are confronted by one, using the term 'hipster' will render the same effect as thrusting a crucifix at a vampire. If you're afraid you're in danger of becoming a hipster, immediately stop finding ways to be ironic. Inject generalities of all kinds into your life. Wear cargo shorts. Examine your pictures and journals from junior high when being awkward and nerdy was actually real and horrible and not a cheeky way to be an individual.

And here in their glory are The Hipster Olympics: