look who's all growed up

Let it be known that on this eighth day of the month of May, year of our Lord two thousand and eight, Travis Roy Baker; alias Oatmeal; alias Ed Fiscal; alias Cynical NonBeliever; rocker of the Macgyver mullet, head gear, and transition-lense glasses with spandex head strap; player of Micro Machines and kazoos; dyer of hair; performer of plays and impressive magical feats; writer; repeated dater of younger sister's friends; wearer of tiny cowboy hat and matching boots; once-rumored Buddhist; editorializer; cafeteria worker; reader of Clavin & Hobbes and Vonnegut and many Piers Anthony paperbacks; firstborn and last boy; master and owner of Newt (r.i.p.); eventual graduate; worshipper of Star Wars; beer can Christmas tree decorater; executioner of teddy bears and Barbies; concealer of tattoos; attempted enabler of sister-drunkenness; pourer of orange juice; scholar; breaker of motor vehicle laws; giver of logs as Christmas gifts to naïve siblings; subsequent teacher to siblings to not be so naïve next time; anonymous critic of Jim De Saegher; former Giant Eyeball; associate producer of epic junior high cinema; road tripper; broker of suspicious trades; son of Big Time and Sherrilyn; brother of Kallie and Bonnie; brother in law of Josh and Andy; special friend to Amber; has marked thirty consecutive years of life and is entitled to all accompanying honor and derision.