October 18, 2009

return of the texts

Another round of going through my phone and finding funny texts, usually without contexts and always accurately transcribed. 

This female will steal my soul through my pizzle!

me want beer. 

As long as you smell like Anthro.

We might have to bake two so we can eat one. Maybe we can turn Pete's twin cake into a hoarcrux. 

Is he butch or the kid?

Projectile vomitting: not as funny or as fun as the movies make it out to be. 

I'm listening to the funniest slut ever talking out loud on her cell in starbucks!

Wayne just brought us a still twitching gopher.

Supposably she is a college gratuate!

It makes me happy to know that people in the business world read that book. Like somehow it will be ok somehow...

Today is the day you emerged from your mother's va-jay-jay. Way to go!

For your birthday present i was wondering if i might be able to borrow your vacuum?

Georgia Nicholson is the Mighty B in six years. 

Babysitting when you're drunk is really hard. 

We'll let you know if we find crab people in the caves.

By the way, would u like a small used dog?

Steve just asked "didn't we just sing this last week?"

My riblets hurt.

Look at you go with your golf references!

Not if I poke holes in your condoms!!

That "so you like throwing up" brochure was kinda sad and awesome.

And to the republic of awesomeness on which she stands!

Oh gawd save me from the crazy in laws. My mouth is numb from fake smiling and my throat is sore from yelling into hearing aids.

They put stalls in the restroom so now 3 girls can pee in different toilet!

You'll be happy to know Stella just pooped on your neighbor's fence

There is/are an unnatural number of crows gathering in my apple orchard right now. I'm uncomfortable.

I'm still happy today that Rashida jones reminds you of me. Am i vapid and vain because of that?

But if anyone asks I'm gonna say it's real, obvi.

The Flatulance Gods must be getting back at me with your dog

I've had two martinis and a PBR in two hours. DRUIUUUUUNK!

That was for all the people that want me to get pregnant.

Mental connection make: Shakira sounds like the Target lady from SNL

Less than a minute ago I said, "I love toast."

Watching Toddlers and Tieras. What is WRONG with these people?!

Whatevs. Have fun eating NOTHING!

My life's quality is measured by whether or not i remember deodorant.

And isn't this a little more serious than  a TEXT?!

The prophets have spoken!

I meant OMG sarcastically not for reals, just to clarify.

That song that paula abdule sings w/the dancing animated cheetah is on the radio. Seriously?! Talk about a hostile wrk place.

Out on your crazy pants!

we just call it "driving"

When you guys are here we're forcing you to go help us pick out and cut down an Xmas tree! And drink cider and wear scarves! And LIKE IT!!!

How was jury duty? Did you wear your princess leia costume and tell them you were telepathic?

I'm headed into a recording studio to add my voice to some na na nas on the new mxpx Xmas song. Weird.

When you come visit we can have sing alongs!!!

Right. Your little black and white one with bulgy eyes.

We have a customer who introduces herself as "raven rain....also Cathy."

She's super random and kind of dorky like us- so if you can say something about pee or poo she'll bee your bff.

Ya but they're prob fat

That'd be a killer cupcake if it was all one!

Haha! shut up, you're super cute, even if you look kinda bi

How come in the prehistoric days all the animals were giant, but the humans were not?

I'm on a fantastic combo of midol and dayquil right now. Super lucky. 

I can totally wait. I just got flipped off by a homeless man.

You and I are finally going to have our FNL marathon. Jervis be praised.

I meant JEEBUS be praised.

But jervais can take some credit too, I guess...

2 comments:

Asha said...

I love this! So so much. I look forward to reading these lists every time. I'm pretty sure I can pick out which ones are from Korina and Winter...

Erin said...

OMG (not sarcastic) - your friends are funnier than mine, except for the ones we share, obviously. ("How come in prehistoric days...")JEALOUS!!!!