tirades available upon request

A blog-less friend was recently lamenting the abuses of those esteemed systems: social networking sites, and asked that i take the fight to the people (you know, the 2 people who follow my ramblings). Blogs are lovely because you're mostly anonymous and therefore unaccountable for that which you self-righteously spew. To counter that shifty reality, i give you this nugget to de-anonymize myself: i once accidentally torched my family's whole front yard in an effort to get the toilet paper out of our trees after my older brother's 'friends' toilet papered our property, even though said brother was living over six hundred miles away at the time. (super cool prank, guys) There, now you KNOW me on a deep (yet non-biblical) level.

Social networking sites: (ie Facebook) The purpose is for parties with mutual interests to come together and share those mutual interests. Friends share friendships, fans fanaticize the objects of their fantasies, charities connect with likehearted individuals, and kicks and giggles are shared by people of mutual kickable-gigglage. What makes it work is the natural connections of commonality and the natural divergence of those without any overlapping interests. For something so tech-based, it is actually quiet organic in function. Being thus, the network should not be forced. Unfortunately, there are 3 main categories of abusers who force the network to do things it shouldn't, and i'm calling them out.

(*precursor: when i mention repeated requests i don't mean a 2nd request, because that could be the result of someone forgetting they already made an initial request. i'm talking about the 3rd, 4th, 5th requests and beyond.)

Abuser 1: the Alma Mater Bludgeoner

This is the guy or girl who went to the same high school as you and considers that reason enough for you to be Facebook friends. You probably never even knew him/her in high school, he/she may not have been in your graduating class, and maybe you're both already in the FHS RULZ! GO COUGARS!! fan club, but this person still thinks you should be FRIENDS. You scan for mutual friends, don't see any of significance, hit "Ignore." Then the bludgeoning begins: a few days later, there's another request. You hit "Ignore", this time with emphasis (only the emphasis of a mouse click is for naught, sadly). A few days later, ANOTHER REQUEST! Now, if they're so convinced they're deserving of friendship, wouldn't they send a note along with your request? Like, 'remember? you cheated off my quiz that one time in remedial PE?' or 'hey, i don't know if you remember me, but i had the locker next to yours and i used to try to smell your hair while you pretended i didn't exist.' Even if it were bizarre, the explanation would at least give the repeated requests some legitimacy. But a lack of note is the first sign of an Alma Mater Bludgeoner. They simply have no concept of how a social network works and are only friend-collectors. Deny these people: if you've already let them in, delete them. 9 out of 10 won't even notice and the 1 who does is actually not a Bludgeoner, but has just been outed as a creepy stalker and you don't want to encourage that kind of behavior anyway. (if you do, you probably luuUUUuuv Twilight and have deeper issues that i don't feel like dealing with.)

Abuser 2: the Pious Pusher

i can't tell you how many times i've declined one friend's invitation to become a fan of a particular charity for clean water in a certain country. It's not because i don't think there sh

ould be clean drinking water for everyone on the planet (believe me, i do) but because i have a personal policy to choose my charities carefully, lest i become one of those who 'stands for everything and falls for anything.' i subscribe to the quality over quantity system of charity. i have certain issues and causes that are important to me because of my interests and background and i can better focus on them if i don't have 35 other fanpages/groups to keep up with. If i see someone in my news feed joining the fandom of charity after charity, i form the opinion that that person is more a fan of looking charitable than of actually doing good. This is where the haters stand up and declare me THE MOST DEFENSIVE CYNIC EVERRRRR! which is partly true, so there. Now try sailing without any wind, haters! Anyway: Pious Pusher who has invited me to support the Haiti Water Project at least 10 times- your first few requests were part of a noble effort, but the last 7 made you seem like a self-righteous, judgmental jerk, especially since you never actually talk to me or engage in any other way. Do not abuse the network system. Cut your losses and spend your energy on parties who share your focus.

Abuser 3: the Boorish Blogger

This abuser has a wordpress or blogspot blog in addition to alllll the time and updating they put into their Facebook. The abuse comes in to play when they repeatedly suggest that you become a fan or follower of their blog. Often, the Boorish Blogger is already posting links to their blog in their statuses and updates, so you've already been repeatedly introduced to the blog. If this is the case, there's no need for ANY formal suggestion or request of your fanship, because if you saw anything you liked in their repeated posts, you would've taken the initiative to become a fan or follower already. Remember- social networking is an organic system and process. If they have to ask, it's probably already a lost cause and repeated requests only make them seem intrusive and desperate. With both the Pious Pusher and Boorish Blogger, if you're in regular face-to-face contact with the Abuser, their repeated online requests are in fact putting you in an awkward position and are therefore rude. Sidebar: i once had a job that was very dull, and my boss had the 4-inch thick, enormous "Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" which she instructed i read during the slow hours. They were all slow hours, so i got very acquainted with etiquette. Any repeated request after an initial decline is poor etiquette, a repeated request by someone that you become THEIR fan, is especially off-putting.

Did i miss any form of abuse? Comment sections are for explaining, kitties. Use it.

If you or someone you know....or someone you don't know who keeps sending you requests....fit the description of one or more of these abuser profiles, please seek help and direct them to do the same. Take a step back and think about if you really want to force your self or your cause onto others and thereby manipulate a perfectly functional organic system into one of awkward obligation and falsehood. Life is already packed full of obligation, don't make it worse. JUST LET IT BE!

on secret seedlings

Dear, Strange, Reader,

i left you with nary a post for a while (though i was thoughtful enough to leave you in the hands Captain Amazing all that time. You're welcome.) and it's generally been slow going the last, oh, 15 weeks. Because, (see: there IS a reason... besides laziness and lack of inspiration) when you can't say Something, then you're afraid to say Anything. Classic avoidance of bean spillage. If i simply don't speak, i cannot accidentally say what i'm not allowed to say, right?? Children employ this technique regularly. Bloggers too, evidently.

If you're semi-local or Facebook friends with either Mr. Perfect or myself, you know by now that we are currently sprouting a Baby Perfect (so-called in the desperate hopes that It takes after the husband) and are about 3 months into that process. It was a secret for the first 13 weeks because i'm the emotional equivalent of a paranoid shut-in. It might have remained a secret until said sprout was birthed and squirming around in the world if it

weren't for that pesky weight gain and 'showing' thing that fertile women can't hide from. That's just how i roll: secretly. But the handful of The Privileged Informed were getting impatient and wanted to brag to the Less Important Uninformed, so we (meaning 'i') conceded to the pressure to divulge. Mr. Perfect wanted to broadcast from day one, and my dad was particularly antsy to declare; i think it's a male pride thing, primitively speaking, though both are far from the primitive type. (Picture Tom Hanks in Castaway, madly declaring to the empty vastness: "I! HAVE MADE FIRE!!!" Then replace "fire" with "generation" and you get the sense of their eagerness.) We spread the word, kind of awkwardly. Rather, we made a few cryptic revelations and let the word spread itself because i find it very strange to publicize anything personal-health related, much less something that is the direct result of fornication. Anyway, Direct Result is due August 30th, so you'll need to excuse the various muu-muus that are going to have to get me through the ensuing hot summer, which will no doubt be very, very long, since the last 15 weeks have been The Longest Of My Liiiiiiiiiiiife.

So now that the secret is out, the dam is broken and the bloggedry floweth. Hopefully. Don't consider that a promise because i'm going through a 'never say never' phase. Advisory: i have no intention of becoming a 'mommy blogger' because there are plenty of those out there already, and i don't want this blog to become my kid's online equivalent of a baby book, so fear not: o ye haters of the obnoxious and pretentious 'worship my toddler' blogs. i fully intend to continue blathering about Nothing In Particular and the goings-on of 2 mildly entertaining pets, and climbing on the occasional soapbox. (mini-box: i haven't seen The Blind Side but nothing i've seen has demonstrated in any way that Sandra Bullock (an admirable talent) deserved that Oscar over the likes of Helen Mirren or even Gabby Sidibe.) These gems will no doubt be peppered differently now that i am (supposedly) different (or at least in a different Life Phase) and am introducing a new character into my doings, but as the Irish always say, c'est la vie.

Tutto bene,

KM