texts without contexts

you take that back. i'm going to pretend you never said that.

"I made a Ralphwich - it tastes hurty."

SHUT UP! Oooooh-that said in a deep vibrato.

That was embarrassingly entertaining! Do it in 3D!

Ken LEEEE! A dibo de debowchu!

You know who else is weird? Republicans.

Help us Jeebus.

Do you guys have the gaZlbo?

Be joe is YUCK.

My brain engets both. i'm f&*%$d

never take antibiotics on an empty stomach and then try going to yoga. bad news bears.

Your hearts will clubbed and buried in the ground with a spade for a diamond? Or something witty?

i want to punch suede in his vagina.

How many hiphipsters does is take to screw in a lightbulb?

Uh. I'm definitely NOT watching the season finale of one tree hill. Why?

Earlier I was listening to a game warden and a man covered in pigeons talk about Vietnam.

I'm walking through a movie set in the West Village and a goth midget just ran into me.

What's a hold bikini? But that sounds awesome hommie!!

Overheard on the streets of NYC: "Ya, I'm surprised I didn't hit a drunk guy last night."

minus the part about babies, i agree with you.

you do realize that cannibalistic declaration will end up on my blog right?

but still come prepared for wine, doggies, giggling, yoga and very fancy cupcakes.

Juan on Juan.

Txt me back! You lima bean licker!

then iwill put this on list for when oyu are herew 111 oh man im drunk

I just say a woman on the back of a motorcycle with NO PANTS ON!

You just want andy & his elmo laugh anyway.

that last text better not end up on your blog.

i just accidentally spent $225 on a haircut and highlights.

i wish to jesus on high i could say corkskrew.

i just found a box in the basement that says "old time machine."

Hopping.

"Exploding Deer Population Causing Billions in Damage."

This weather makes me wish we were prancing outside of Lost Coast Brewery again.

Her name is Visitation Brochure.

Cibophobia (fear of food)

For about 25 years of my life i was terrified of bell peppers. i thought they'd be spicy (call me crazy, but i know from whence species of plant the mighty Jabanero comes from) so i didn't eat them. Ever. Not in my burritos, not in stir fry, never. Then one day The World's Most Patient Man (3 guesses as to who THAT is) convinced me to try a miniscule bite of a tiny piece of bell pepper, and i realized with great astonishment and profound sadness that they are not at all spicy and are downright delightful and that i've missed out on 25 years of marvelous bell pepperosity.

Another item kept far away from my tongue all my life has been avocado and its smushy cousin, guacamole. Yesterday at lunch i ordered a BLTA (since when did restraunts determine it was a crime to make a BLT without smearing green stuff all over it? Seriously. Every BLT and now just about every sandwich made in California is drowned in avocado.). Instead of telling them to leave the 'A' off entirely, Lyn convinced me to get it on the side and try it to make absolutely sure i didn't actually LIKE avocado. i complied and tried. Still hate avocado. IT'S GROSS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? Ugh. At least i can tell those Chipotle guys with 100% confidence that 'no, i do NOT want any of your dirty guac on my burrito!!' i'm a little sad, there's a lot of sushi i'm missing out on because of this aversion, but The Tongue has decided, and so shall it be. Long live The Tongue.

These occurances have convinced me that i need to re-test many other foods i've been avoiding for years and years or am utterly unclear as to my feelings. Here are the things left to tackle, let me know if you have an awesome recipe for any of them, i'll make Josh cook it up.:::
artichoke
almond
walnut
cashew
hummus
mango
papaya
kiwi
rye bread
coconut (i'm only doing this for you, Winter)
Mountain Dew
pastrami
whiskey
oriental chicken salad
oyster
rhubarb
bbq chicken pizza
stuffing (yeah, as in 'Thanksgiving')

my office is going to the dogs

Victory!! i campaigned for it and now my employer is inviting pooches to the office on October 10. In the words of our VP, "Take Your Dog to Work Day calls attention to the wonderful companions dogs make and encourages pet adoptions from animal shelters, humane societies and rescue groups." (it helped my cause that she's on the board of directors at Haven Humane Society) i hope it will go very well, have an overwhelmingly positive response, and result in more frequent doggie allowances. Monthly dog days!! DAILY dog days!!

If you'd like your employer to consider dog allowances, direct the big cheeses to any number of articles about the positive effects of dog-friendly work environs. Por ejemplo: "Two-thirds of dog owners would work longer hours and a third would take a pay cut if they could bring their pet to the office, according to a survey carried out by website Dogster.com and Simply Hired, an U.S. jobs website. [...] "Companies with dog-friendly policies just get it," said Ted Rheingold, CEO of Dogster. "They're breeding a class of happy and loyal employees. After all, who wouldn't be happy working with their best friend?"
Dogs help lower stress levels and build camaraderie among workers, Rheingold argued. [...]Companies that welcome dogs tend to be tech giants such as Apple, Amazon, and Google. But in general, small firms with fewer than 50 employees emerged as the most pet-friendly, with California having the lion's share of such companies."

The articles cite several reasons for the advantages, including employees not having to run home to care for dogs, not having to pay for dog sitters or walkers, and the calming presence of a furry friend sleeping under the desk. Some suggestions for keeping sanity in the office include a '3 strikes' rule for dogs with bathroom or behavior issues, providing antihistamines for allergic employees and visitors, zero tolerance flea policies, and baby or pet gates to keep critters out of the way of coworkers.

(Yup, that's a really cheesy picture. Deal with it.)

confession

i ate about 11 gummy worms on the way to work this morning. i feel kinda gross now.

Ban, Schman

Presently, i am working my way through Vladimir Nobokov's infamous novel, Lolita. i say 'working my way through' because i am listening to the audio version, masterfully rendered by Jeremy Irons, and when i tell people i am 'reading an audio book' they scoff and say i'm not 'reading', but rather 'listening'. i scoff at the scoffers and smack them in the face with a white glove. So reading can only be done with the eyes? Or, for the blind, with fingertips? Nonsense. It is being engaged with a story and i am equally if not more engaged with an audiobook than i am with any bundle of paper and ink. But i digress.
Lolita is scandalous book, telling the story of the obsession Humbert Humbert has for 12-year-old 'nymphet' Dolores Haze. It is masterfully written, albeit quite squirm-inducing. The most unfortunate side effect of my being engrossed in it is the nagging persistence of that old Police song, 'Don't Stand So Close To Me,' the lyrics of which i don't really know, except for the repetitve chorus, a few snatches of phrase and the part: 'He sees her/He starts to shake and cough/Just like the old man in/That book by Nabokov'. (folks, finding a way to cite and rhyme Nabokov is no small feat. Well done, Sting.) i can't get it out my head. i'm starting to go as nuts as Humbert.
Anyway, Nabokov had a bugger of a time finding an American publisher for his book, due to its subject matter and it was banned in Britain and France. Having this on my mind, i looked up other banned books and found out that the American Library Association's 'Banned Book Week' is annually in the last week of September. FYI. i'm telling you this in advance so you can pick out what piece of political salaciousness you can indulge in and thereby give a big middle finger to the prunes who wouldn't let you do your 5th grade book report on Lady Chatterly's Lover.
i found a list of banned books from Forbidden Library and a few other sites, and here are the ones i've already read, not realizing most of them had such sordid histories, along with their reasons for banishment: (it should be noted that a ban can range from a government forbidding its crossing the border, to an elementary school library refusing to carry it)
1984, by George Orwell- 'for being pro-communist'
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain - ' too full of racially charged language'
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carrol - banned in China 'for portraying animals and humans on the same level'
All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque - Banned in Nazi Germany for demoralizing and insulting the Wehrmacht
Animal Farm, also by Orwell - 'because of anti-Stalin theme'
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank - 'due to "sexually offensive" passages'
As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner - 'for language and for being anti-Christian'
Beloved, by Toni Morrison - 'because of its language'
The Holy Bible - William Tyndale, who partially completed translating the Bible into English, was captured, strangled, and burned at the stake (1536) by opponents of the movement to translate the bible into the vernacular. Beginning around 1830, "family friendly" bibles, including Noah Webster's version (1833) began to appear which had excised passages considered to be indelicate
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley - 'because the book "centered around negative activity'
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown - 'for being "slanted."'
The Call of the Wild, by Jack London - Banned in Italy (1929), Yugoslavia (1929), and burned in Nazi bonfires (1932).
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger- 'due to "profanity, reference to suicide, vulgarity, disrespect, and anti-Christian sentiments."'
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, by Roald Dahl- because it 'espoused a poor philosophy of life.'
The Color Purple, by Alive Walker - due to its "troubling ideas about race relations, man's relationship to God, African history, and human sexuality."'
The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown - Banned in Lebanon after Catholic leaders deemed it offensive to Christianity
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury - Ironically, students in Irvine, Calif. received copies of the book with scores of words--mostly "hells" and "damns"--blacked out. The novel is about censorship.
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley - 'as "indecent, objectionable, or obscene".'
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell - ' because it uses the word "nigger."'
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck - 'because the book uses the name of God and Jesus in a "vain and profane manner along with inappropriate sexual references."'
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathon Swift -'denounced as wicked and obscene in Ireland'
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare
Huckleberry Finn, also by Twain - 'for the use of the word "nigger"'
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou - 'due to the poet's descriptions of being raped as a young girl'
James & the Giant Peach, also by Dahl - 'because the book contains the word "ass" and "promotes" the use of drugs (tobacco, snuff) and whiskey....and encourages children to disobey their parents and other adults.' (James's guardians were abusive, so he ran away)
King Lear, also Shakespeare -'Lear was performed in drastically adapted form--and boasted a happy ending in which Lear is restored to the throne and Cordelia survives.'
Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman - 'for the use of explicit language in some poems'
A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstein - 'because the book "enourages children to break dishes so they won't have to dry them."...and because some poems "glorified Satan, suicide and cannibalism, and also encouraged children to be disobedient."'
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, by CS Lewis - 'because it depicts "graphic violence, mysticism, and gore."'
Little House in the Big Woods and Little House on the Prairie, by Laura Ingalls Wilder - 'because it "promotes racial epithets and is fueling the fire of racism."' and 'because the book is "offensive to Indians."'
The Lorax, by Dr. Suess - 'because it "criminalizes the foresting industry."'
The Martian Chronicles, also by Bradbury - ' for profanity and the use of God's name in vain.'
The Merchant of Venice, also by Shakespeare - 'due to its portrayal of the Jewish character, Shylock'
My Friend Flicka, by Mary OHara - 'because the book uses the word "bitch" to refer to a female dog, as well as the word "damn."'
The Odyssey, by Homer - 'Caligula tried to suppress it because it expressed Greek ideals of freedom.'
Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut - 'because of "foul language, a reference to 'Magic Fingers' attached to the protagonist's bed to help him sleep, and the sentence: 'The gun made a ripping sound like the opening of the fly of God Almighty.' "'
Song of Solomon, also by Morrison - 'because it contains language degrading to blacks, and is sexually explicit.'
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee - 'because the book "represents institutionalized racism under the guise of 'good literature'."'
Twelfth Night, also by Shakespeare - 'because of a policy that bans instruction which has "the effect of encouraging or supporting homosexuality as a positive lifestyle alternative."'
Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - ' because the novel contains the word "nigger."'
Welcome to the Monkey House, also by Vonnegut - 'because the book promoted "the killing off of elderly people and free sex."'
Where the Sidewalk Ends, also by Silverstein -'because the book "suggests drug use, the occult, suicide, death, violence, disrespect for truth, disrespect for legitimate authority, rebellion against parents."'
Where's Waldo?, by Martin Handford - 'because there is a tiny drawing of a woman lying on the beach wearing a bikini bottom but no top.'

Kind of crazy. Remember, these are just the ones i've read- there are many, many more out there kept off the shelves and out of backpacks. Fight the good fight. Read to your kids.

Eyeballing that Bucket

My book club got to discussing many ponderous, deeply felt things (like 'cockles') last night and wandered onto the subject of memoirs and 'bucket lists' (a list of things you want to do before you die). Some were for the idea of such lists, others were opposed. Should we measure our lives by a list of things we've done rather than relationships? And why is it the listed items so often require unlimited funds and free time? Anyway, last year i made a list of things i've never done and want to acheive before i turn 30. i think it's a good list. Being that i turned 27 last week (what? you missed the press release and parade?) i decided to revisit my list.

-read Anna Karenina - BEGUN
-introduce someone to Patrick's Point - DONE
-throw a karaoke party
-become awesome at racquetball
-stand behind a waterfall
-have my name on a door - DONE (well, on a desk, but in my company it's all the same)
-grow flowers
-learn Italian
-convince someone to name their baby after me
-go to India
-get that tattoo
-learn to skip stones - DONE
-dive / cartwheel / whistle - 1/3 DONE (i'm quite the whistler)
-preach
-beat Josh at something - DONE
-donate blood / bone marrow - 1/2 DONE (turns out i'm A+, now on to that spinal tap!)
-finish writing a story
-see the Grand Canyon
-bungee jump
-sell a painting
-volunteer somewhere non-sectarian

Yikes. i have a long way to go. Maybe i should bungee jump into the Grand Canyon and then get a commemorative tattoo. i'm not sure i still want to do some of these things (racquetball?? i don't even know where that came fom) and i want to go to Alaska or Mazatlan moreso than India these days, so the list is fluid. Let me know if you want to come along on any of these endeavors.

*sigh*

It's really hard to wake up on the day after your birthday and realize that you're not special and won't be for another year.

letter to josh on his wife's birthday

Dear Josh,

i know what you're thinking, 'is this blog just one long letter-writing campaign now?', to which i reply 'shut up, you know i'm cyclically obsessive and right now, it's Letters.'

As you pointed out this morning when you got out of the shower and realized that i'd (accidentally!) given you the yellow towel i used to dry off the dog when i washed her earlier this week, today is my birthday. i know i mildly suggested you redesign our website in time for this auspicious occasion, but when i got home from (more) birthday shopping last night and found you had locked yourself in the office with a beer and an online poker game while both pets sat at the closed door worrying about you, i determined that perhaps your stress level was a bit high and that i should attain a level of patience about this whole website thing. So this is me. Being patient. You know how ill-suited i am for patience, so i would like to recommend that you only require my patience for as long as i need to Learn A Valuable Lesson and then you reward me by giving me what i want or need or merely want but think i need. Yeah, kinda like dog training, i'm not ashamed to admit it.

So, dear spousie, i'm letting you off the hook for now. Mostly because i feel really bad about giving you that gnarly dog hair towel when you were all scrubby clean and dripping wet.

Sincerely,

Your humble, understanding, patient, fabulous, old, rock star wife.

and here are some of the pictures

Classic Lizzie.
















i got so excited about the 49ers i accidentally swallowed my lower lip.












Press pause, go die of Cute Overload, then come back.

She's an excellent driver.

As if we'd leave San Fran without getting sundaes.

We went to San Francisco.

(Obviously.)

We visited Matt and Brenda and Lizzie and Wahoo and yet-to-be-born Addie, who are all there while Matt does something medical-y for a month. It was super, super, super, super fun. i could list all the things we did, which you'd skim over and promptly forget, or i could share this lovely anecdote with you.
Embarcadero. Lizzie in stroller, the rest of us desperately searching for breadbowls. Oddball guy, presumably homeless, approaches and waves at Lizzie.
Matt: "Say 'hi' Lizzie."
Oddball guy: "Hi Lizzie!" (tell me that's not hilarious! it gets better)
Oddball guy: "Hey there Lizzie Potato!"*
Then asks Matt for money.

*Certain members of our party believe Mr. Oddball actually said "Hey there Elizabeth Taylor!" The rest of the party members voted and Josh is wrong and he totally called her Lizzie Potato. Either way, it was weird and funny.
Josh took fantabulous pictures which i will post later this eve. i can tell you're very excited.

love letter to The City

Dear San Francisco,

i love you. Of all my city-crushes, you have the most longevity. i feel like we're childhood sweethearts. My first memory of you was when i met you on my 8th grade trip and you showed me Phantom of the Opera and boated me around Alcatraz and stuffed me with saltwater taffy and i took lots of pictures with Jamileh. (who, in fact, LIVES with you now, so how about that?!) i've been back many times hence. i can't stay away from you! Even when i lived far away in San Diego i was drawn to you and you provided a single hotel room for me and my 9 friends on our road trip. This is the force of my attraction to you, San Francisco: i have the audacity to bring my husband into our little escapades. i can't resist playing with fire! What else have you given me....oh, twice i've met up with Old Chum Chrystal within your Golden Gates, three Giants games in that Park To Beat All Parks, a rare and cute li'l victory for the 49ers, escapades with Erin, Matt and the Rostens, shopping, getting my hair did by Margaret with Other Kallie, shopping, flying out to Hawaii with the Moores, BARTing around with David, lunching with Korina, shopping, and most recently, strollering around with LizziePotato and Matt and Brendafer. You have such a lovely park, SF! i never knew that. Your balance of urban development and natural beauty is an impressive feat, and it's more than just that you're an island. How convenient was it that you offered a Japanese tea garden the day after i finish a huge novel about a Japanese tea house? Pretty clever SanFranny. You're the home of so many great things: The Pursuit of Happyness, The Mighty B, the hippie movement... there's no topping you! i admit that your being true-blue NorCal makes me love you even more, even if that's not fair to Portland. And oh- you have a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf! that just about closes the deal!! i like your towering hills, though i confess they frustrate me sometimes. i love the buzzy cable car sound and the bread bowls. You loom out there in the ocean like a spooky mirage, and there's no city like you. Oh Saint Frank, what are we going to do? i know you deserve more from me than occasional visits and professions of adoration, but you're a costly city to live in and i'm just such a fickle waif. i can only promise that you, first city of my heart, will forever remain such.

Yours in chocolate and chowder,

Kallie

things i determined this weekend

Wood paneling is the devil

i need much more bookshelving

White dogs are impossible to keep clean

i probably shouldn't wear a diamond ring while i paint

Watermelon is just as good as Hersheys bars

i need a studio to artify in; no space = no art

Pebble is my new favorite wall color

does anyone really fall for this stuff?

Behold: the scammiest e-mail in my junk folder to date....with my comments, of course.
____________
My name is Richard Cooper, I am emailing you on behalf of BellHouse Fabrics & Interiors, United Kingdom. I would like to know if you would like to work online from home and get paid without affecting your present job or even affecting your day-to-day activities of any kind, actually we need a representative who can work for our company as an Online Payment Processor. (i would like to know if you've ever heard of a run-on sentence Richard actually i would like to know if i am wondering if you're even British)

We are presently making waves in the United Kingdom & Northern Ireland fabric markets, (so, do you make waves or fabric? i'm confused) we intend expanding our business towards the United States of America by accepting orders from both individuals and companies within USA. We recently placed Ad's on online websites (you mean they have websites ONLINE now? nifty! i thought they were only on tree trunks) for sales of our fabrics and got a very good number of requests for our products,however it is against our company policy to accept International Payments such as : USA Certified Checks, USA Bank Wire Transfers, USA Money Orders (Don't you think you should've thought of that before you placeed the Ad's on the online internet websites?). Therefore, we are requesting your partnership to assist in receiving payments on behalf of our company.

We are willing to pay you 10% for every payment processed through you from our clients/customers who will pay for their products which are purchased from our secure website stated above (payments processed for customers who pay for their products purchased...sorry, i just had to write that out to follow along). These payments are coming from these clients within USA and will be sent to you directly from our customers, all you have to do is lodge and cash each payment (great, another loser payment looking for a few free weeks lodging on my couch, eating my food, and making a mess of my bathroom), deduct 10% and forward 90% to our Payment Processing Center via Western Union Money Transfer / MoneyGram Money Transfer. All sending fee's are to be deducted from our 90%, however you will be required to have a valid checking account in which our customers might request to make payment either via Wire Transfer (Bank to Bank Transfer) or either via Certified Check. (so... which are your customers: the italian mobsters who love fabric, the irish mobsters who love fabric, or the shady oil tycoons who love fabric?)

You do not require any special skills to work with our firm (just an open checking account and an empty frontal lobe), however in order to apply for this job you need to ensure you have access to your e-mail regularly and reply to our e-mails promptly. You will also need to provide us with a valid phone in which you can be reached at anytime in case of any special update (an example of a 'special update' is: "Kallie, this Roger Cooper-" "don't you mean Richard Cooper?" "What? oh yeah, whatever, Richard. Anyway, it's very important that you--" "Heyy, what happened to your British accent Richard?" "SON OF A! Would you just listen? Take the account number, drive to the airport, and wait by the California Pizza Kitchen until i call you okay? leave now!"), in order to accept this job kindly fill the form stated below :

Full Name : (include any previous names, preferred aliases and mother's maiden name)
Address :
City :
State :
Country :
Zip Code :
Phone Number :
Age : (only put 18 if you really could pass for 18 should anyone ask questions)
Current Occupation :
Bank Name:

P.S: You must have a valid checking account (uhh, ya, you mentioned that already) in which can be used to receive payments being sent from a customer, this might be via Wire Transfer or Direct Deposit (or brown paper wrapped package or stuffed inside a child's doll or taped to a brick thrown through your window).

Kindly get back to me ASAP by filling the form stated above, once i hear from you i will immediately send you a reply with further information.

Regards,

Richard Cooper. (oh, i didn't think you were legit until i saw that you put a period at the end of your name. Sign me up Richie!)

and by guidelines i mean demands

Dear JOSHUA,

Here is what i've come up with for guidelines in the redesign of this site. i think you have my cell phone number in case you have any questions. If not, you can call my mom and she'll give you my number because i know you two are secret 'whisper-about-kallie's-strange-insecurities-and- how-they-effect-you' buddies. Yeah. i've known for a while now.

Ø No fatty margins. I don’t want a medium-length post about my Hershey-bar-breakfast to look like the book of Deuteronomy because only 5 words fit on a line.

Ø YouTube postability please. It’s an essential way to force my humor on others.

Ø Photo-of-the-day section. The logic being that it will encourage us (which, let's face it, is really ME) to take more pictures, because eventually our friends will tire of being fully responsible for photodocumenting our lives.

Ø Suggested colors include grey and aubergine, or a combination of the two. Not necessary, but it might discourage me from painting every room of ‘your house’ (your words, not mine) grey. Just a reminder: these little obsessions of mine are not arbitrary- they are the result of me being a very stylish, on-trend lady and it is in your best interest to not resist them.

Ø Passage-of-the-week section. Of the Bible, you say? HA! No silly! Of fictional novels that I read and enjoy. It is my duty to Karl and Bettina to make use of their fine educating and until I determine how to do that, I will post paragraphs of wordy stuff on my bloggyblog.

Ø If you could figure out how to sell ad space and generate steady, humble income for all this gibberish, well, sir, i may be so thankful i just might cook you a meal!

That's all. Just a reminder, my birthday is in 20 days, but my mom probably already told you that when you two went shoe shopping together last week.

-Kal
---oh yeah - and a usable comments section, if you please.

i'm a professional professional

In a recent conversation, i was asked how many jobs i've had in my life. i began to count. i determined that i've held about 20 jobs in my 26+ years on this planet. Honestly, i didn't think that was all that weird, but apparently it is not at all normal. Nevertheless, here they are, as best in order as i can remember. These were all legitimate jobs, with paychecks and everything.

1 Official: Palo Cedro Youth Soccer
2 Official for junior high volleyball
3 Lettuce ripper and general grunt: Cypress Ave Deli
4 'Shredder': Ray's Ortho
5 Scanner: PLNU dining center
6 Barista: Point Break Cafe'
7 Labbie: PLNU ITS
8 Guest Service Rep / slave: PLNU Conference Services
9 TA: Doug Harrison
10 Staff Writer: Viewpoint Magazine
11 Adminsitrative Assistant: Alarmingly Moral-free Realtor
12 Barista: Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
13 Barista: Nordstrom Cafe'
14 Bookseller: Borders
15 Communications Director: CA ProLife Council
16 Mystery Shopper: Regal Entertainment Group
17 ESL Tutor: Shasta College
18 Secretary: Simpson University Facilities Dept.
19 Marketing Coordinator

i really feel like i'm forgetting one or two. i know my granddad once paid Bonnie and i to turn a bajillion tiny hose valves on a bajillion acres of walnut trees, but i don't think that really counts.

Can anyone beat me? or even come close? i'm very curious.
i know the comment feature on this blog doesn't really work for most browsers, but i'm hoping JOSHUA will fix that for me as a present for my rapidly approaching birthday since i really don't ask for that much JOSHUA and i will make good on that threat to post something embarrassing about you every day until it's fixed JOSHUA.

can't... type...too......excited.........

New....Harry Potter..... movie trailer..........

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=CFK2lPiT_xU


(Many apologies for the inability to embed the video. HOPEFULLY I'LL GET A NEW AND IMPROVED WEBSITE FOR MY RAPIDLY APPROACHING BIRTHDAY JOSHUA.)

it's really out of arrogance

We have carefully coordinated our social circles so that everywhere we go and everything we do becomes a photo shoot. The latest being PP08: 'The Camping Trip Where Everyone Got Punched In The Face in kallie's imagination'. Here are Jesse and Lyn's photos. Here are Jeremy's. Here are Betsy's. (uh-oh Bets, better hurry and post 'em!!)

Sometimes we just love each other so much that we have no other way of expressing it than to wear matching sweatshirts.

dinks on parade

Josh and i recently determined we're super square. We're also d.i.n.k.s, which means Dual Income No Kids. Even though we've never had kids, i've only just now had a job that offers what can legitimately be called an income. We're square because we have a house and sensible cars and full time desk-monkey jobs and a boy cat and a girl dog and we go to church on Sundays and watch The Mole on Monday nights (Go Craig!!). To counter this frightening phenomenon in our lives, we've apparently decided we can only stay in town for one weekend at a time, or else fill it with activity. Observe our 2008 summer:

June 7th: HOME

14th: Elk Grove

21th: Acampo

28th: HOME

July 5th: Portland

12th: HOME

19th: camping

26th: HOME- throwing a baby shower

August 2nd: HOME

9th: Walnut Creek

16th: San Francisco

23rd: Acampo

30th: HOME- giant birthday party

September 5th: HOME- faking a wedding (?)

12th: Roseville

19th: Bremerton

26th: HOME

So that's a big 8 out of 17 weekends spent at home. i'm starting to figure out why nothing ever gets done or cleaned at our house. Our poor pets are starting to think my parents have shared custody of them. But you know what? It works, and we can't really think of a good reason to slow down. And someday if we have kids we can show this post to them and say 'Look how carefree and fun mommy and daddy were before you and your crippling, innumerable needs came along.' HA HA! i can't type that with a straight face. Just kidding. We wouldn't say 'crippling.'

Love Letter to Trinidad

(the tiny city in NorCal, not the Caribbean island (though i'm sure it's fantastic.))

Dear Trinidad,

You've done it, you've made me an adulteress. i thought i was loyal to Portland and all it offered me, but you made my eyes wander. Yes, my heart too. You and your neighbors have beaches and tall trees. Sunshine and fog. Crazy hippies and Restoration Hardware. Breweries. You have clean, smoke-free air and lots and lots of ferns. You have raccoons that appreciate hot chocolate powder. You have groves with eerie birds and prehistoric plants and rampaging elk. You have populations of locals who look like tourists who've been camping for 2 weeks. i would never have to shower if i lived with you, Trinidad, and you know how very much that appeals to me. i'm a very confused person. Part of me wants to be a hipster mctrendypants career girl in an urban culture center, and an equal part of me wants to be a meandering driftwood collector with 5 dogs and dirty hair. If this were a Lifetime movie it would be called "She Wanted Designer Jeans And Dirty Hair: The Kallie Rene Baker Markle Story". Was any house ever so divided?? i need time, North Coast lover. i need to clear my head, and while a smokey, 112 degree city like Redding is no place to do that, it's my only option. Say you'll wait for me? if i promise to get a bicycle will you wait for me? i want to be able to commit, but i can't right now. i have too many things to figure out, and i need to sit down with Portland and reassess my feelings. i love you Trindidad, you complete me. We'll always have Luffenholtz Beach.

Kallie

Air Force Boring

The Commander in Chief came to Redding today, maybe you heard. If you did, it's because you live here and that's all anyone has been talking about all week (besides the price of oil, the mortgage crisis, and various other subjects that have just as much to do with Georgie as his whereabouts). If you didn't know that, it's because you live anywhere but here and it therefore was not news in the slightest. He came to survey damage done by the wildfires. He arrived in Air Force One, got in a helicopter, and left again to go tour the devastation. This being prime GOP territory, and this being the first time a sitting president has visited the area since John F. Kennedy attended the dedication of the Shasta Dam in 1963, the masses turned out....en masse, i guess. i know, because i had a front row seat from my office window, which is across the street from the Redding airport. (Yes, Redding has an airport. Don't make that face.) Despite the heat, cars, trucks, and even RVs and schoolbusses poured in, filled up the surrounding fields and camped out for hours before expected touchdown time. The plane (big, blue and white...that's all i saw) approached from the north, so it snuck in quietly and slipped behind the buildings and trees. Now all that's visible is the blue and white tip of a tail. Unfortunately, the best view of that is from MY office window, which is behind my desk.
This has inconvenienced me, Mr. President, because i keep getting interrupted by people who need to squeeze in behind my desk and squint into the trees. Please make the appropriate reparations in the form of me not having to pay taxes anymore and you bringing all the troops home from this awful war.

from the kiddos

Korean artist Yeondoo Jung decided to bring children’s drawings to life in a series of photographs called “Wonderland“. After collecting more than 1,000 drawings from South Korean children between the ages of 5 and 7 he narrowed the drawings down to a small selection of favorites and staged full-scale photoshoots designed to bring each drawing to life. See the rest here.

once upon a smarty pants

You know how you stumble upon old pictures of yourself that you didn't know existed? and you're amazed at how young and thin you looked? It's very much like finding old Advanced Composition homework assignments. You can't believe how sharp your wit once was and how arrogant you were. Please to enjoy: my response to a tea hosted by the PLNU literature department, featuring special guest Mary Crow and held in Culbertson Hall, which had pretty much the best views on campus. My apologies to Ms. Crow, who i hope does not make a habit of Googling her name. It should be noted that i presently have no memories of any field trip to the paper factory, nor do i know if there is one in Shasta County, and i only have snatches of memory involving fish food in a gumball machine.
_______________
I never thought an overcast ocean could be so interesting, but behind Mary Crow, the poet laureate of Colorado, the gray-on-blue expanse beyond the soccer field held my rapt attention from the second I looked up from my equally fascinating plate of cheese cubes. So flat and dull was the sky that I imagined I could bounce a rubber ball off of it like so many hours spend playing Wally Ball in fourth grade. Fourth grade… what an enthralling subject of thought; I could spend forever thinking about fourth grade. Mary Crow stopped murmuring long enough to take a sip of water and the break in sound pulled me out of my reverie to remind me that there was a famous poet speaking. By her tedious presentation it appeared that poetry, to her, was equivalent to using a Q-tip: you should try to do it once a day, everyone has a different technique, Q-tips are nice. In looking around at other members of the audience, I observed flowers, guitars and waves being detailed on notebook pages and the backs of binders and even a few decorated cheese cubes. One student was endeavoring to pick all the seeds off a strawberry using the cap of her pen.
My interest piqued when Mary Crow read some of her poems, most of which were styled similarly to her charisma-less method of public rhetoric, but well written. However, lapsing back onto the subject of translation, she sent out me on the ocean again to further contemplate fourth grade. In fourth grade Mr. Avila took my class to the fish hatchery and the paper factory, and I began to wonder if Mary Crow has ever been to a fish hatchery. Surely, in all her worldwide travels and experiences, she had come across a hatchery. At our fish hatchery you could buy fish food out of a gumball machine for a quarter and throw it in the makeshift ponds. All the fish freak out and thrash around in competition for a tiny handful of pellets. Maybe if Mary Crow read a poem about thrashing, greedy salmon the girl in front of me would have stayed awake. Perhaps if she had presented her good tips and well written poems with at least some of the passion of a fourth grade Wally Ball champion I wouldn’t have watched the ice melt in my tea. If the poet laureate of Colorado and accomplished translator had shown a fraction of vigor in regards to her life’s work, maybe the problem she addressed – poetry being underappreciated – would vanish into the gray-on-blue Pacific horizon.

contextless text messages

This round, we're incorporating a new game with a few of my favorites. See if you can match the text with its correct sender or context.

texts:
1. i - love -iron - man. duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUHNUHNUHNUH
2. Evil prayer kitty?
3. Kick his leg just to be sure
4. This may be 4am talking, but that Temple would ROCK.
5. Wait - motormouth and lil nra are different people?

senders/contexts:
a. to verify a possible Captain Ahab sighting
b. Winter
c. requesting assurance that a wedding won't be rained out
d. i actually have no idea what this text message is referring to and i didn't at the time i received it either
e. Travis

on to the fun:::
>i luuuuurve dave the laugh.
>No kitty for me today. Sorry.
>Lunch at tecate grill...er, maybe its casa ramos now...whatev. fish tacos!!
>jason got a job!!! and sold his car!!!! i'm sick in bed!!! but its raining!! happy monday winter, love baby jesus.
>Is your vets name presliegh?
>I'm going to need you to promise me you will never paint on anything other than your easel ever again.
>There Will Be Blood...and cookies!
>Bumper sticker of the day: satan sucks. tell everyone.
>Give me dyour drivers license kumber and expiration.
>Haven't seen the movie yet so i can only assume you are trying to tell me you guys are pregnant. Congratulations. hope this doesn't interfere with beer night.
>No on lunch, but wii are up for whatever.
>Everybody dies in the end.
>Are you with me wiff?
>i think the kitties benadryl just wore off. This should be fun.
>I had this realization today that if i didn't text you soon i was not going to make it on your next Text Messaging Blog Entry - and that would make me sad.
>What're tanks? and want me to bring the salad?
>Toe pick
>I'd be Sitting front row tonight trying desperately to correctly do a British lateral lisp while making fun of your husband and his AWESOME jacket.
>Hell is not the lake of fire we once thought. It is a giant, gray raincloud that never goes away.
>Unfair kallie. Unfair! I LOVE skanks. You know that. Unfair!
>Oh no, this just is not your week for being intenionally modest!
>this is the gayest club ive ever been in.
>Crazy like a fox - with schizophrenia!
>We used to go there so hing over.
>Wave to the camera
>She might help, or she might make it totally awkward so we'd better get some drinks in her.
>You need to learn to accept my lovin'!
>When discussing the norcal goldern hills andy made this comment, "they still look soft, like a freshly shaven cosmo."
>oh hi sally, i dont think i knew your Lexus is a convertible! / Oh it wasn't, i just got that one yesterday.
>Omg why am i at the stirring? I feel crazy out of place here
>i know Kung Fu
>i know Kenneth Forgoes Underpants.
>p.o.s.? Path Of salvation?
>id just pick W each time
>my phone sux monkey balls
>How many Branch Davidian spawns are there? bonus points if you can anme them.
>Help us Jeebus! I was way off. I got up to four.
>finally someone you can out-drink! A 90 yr. old asian man.
>Shantany lace.
>There are four ducks outside, and they all want Sunchips!
>Just found 5 unopened bottles of good beer in an empty apartment. Everything's turning up Millhouse!

finally, this lovely series from Ashley:::
>F%&K THIS. I hate change.
>>Don't in there. SEE. how do i change in to go using T9
>>>Sad and kind of cool that this is all i have to be stressed about right now.
>>>>Suck it.
>>>>>I just locked myself out of the house.

(answers: 1-b, 2-c, 3-a, 4-d, 5-e)

Suede

i don't want to be immature or anything, but i was just informed that every person has between 2,000 and 5,000 taste buds and females usually have more than males, so science would prove that women have better taste and i'm right about the couch. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Love Letter to Portland

Dear Portland,

i miss you. i ACHE for you... although the aching might be the result of improper Wii playing at Katie and Bobby's followed by hazardous bowling with a too-heavy ball. (Portland, why don't your bowling alleys want women and children and muscle-challenged men to have a good time? i thought you were a more accepting place, but i'll not fault you. i'll just kindly suggest you find new managers for your alleys. The current ones don't deserve you. i deserve you.) i loved all your roses in the rose garden and planted along the freeway. i think more cities should have roses on the freeways and then more people would move to them and the country would become empty and free again, and maybe the buffalo would repopulate, but i digress. i'm glad you had so many roses in your rose garden because last time i was there you didn't and that was awkward, so i see that you're committed to our relationship and i recognize your efforts. You know what else i appreciate about you, Portland? Your city streets were very clean. i don't want to use this blog to speak negatively about my past relationships, but i'll just say that Rome and New York City had a different techniques and yours is better suited to my tastes. We did so much together this past weekend! It was a whirlwind courtship. You repeatedly fed me exciting and delicious foods, quenched my thirst with fine beverages including the best mocha i've ever had in my life, and delighted me with cool breezes, misty rains and dappled sunlight. Everywhere i looked there were bicycles and dogs and lesbians and people dressed curiously or snazzily. And wowie, do you ever know how to put on a fireworks display! Well, i didn't see your official one on the water, but the Sherwood suburbs had some impressive suff! i also love that you never once charged me sales tax and that friendly people pumped my gas for me. Portland, thank you for giving Erin a spiffy craftsman-style house to live in with a nice art teacher and his dog. She really needed a proper home and you went above and beyond the call of duty. i love that you love my friends because that's important in a relationship. What else? oh my goodness, the Beavers. How adorable were they? You made up for your lack of professional sports teams with your funny li'l minor league baseball team. And it was Bark in the Park day!! More baseball-loving dogs than i ever knew existed. You truly are a dog-friendly city and i so get that. We really are in sync, Portland. i could count the ways i love thee until the internet breaks down, so i'll just close with this: wait for me, Portland. Do not give your heart to another. i'll come for you someday. Wait for me.

Yours truly ...and a little madly,

Kallie

PS- don't let Katie and Bobby leave.

oh yeah

We bought a car on Sunday. Not from the racist salesperson, but from the army of his 'minority' employees. It's fantastic: 'magnetic grey' 09 Toyota Matrix. Here's a pro pic because we're apparently deathly allergic to taking pictures of our own lives. We're going to sell The Little PickUp That Could... For A While... But Isn't Really Anymore. i drive the Matrix and Josh drives the Explorer. We've named the Matrix 'Rex' or 'Rick' depending on which of us you ask. We are now taking suggestions on what the License Plate should say. Aaaand i have no idea why i capitalized that. Here are some of the options are, let us know what your vote is and when you're coming to take a spin with us:

IKNW KFU

KALPALS

LOST HUH

GOREXGO
ZOOMY K

David + Tape, or "How I Spent My Spring Break At Grad School."

It's no secret that Josh and i managed to trick some really gifted people into being our friends. Check out David's experiment in urban space and its barriers: TAPE IN SPACE.

"An experiment in breaking the definitions of “wall” and engaging passer-byes who become participants simply by social instinct, I attempt to test the thresholds of our unconscious instincts towards barriers and create flows of pedestrian traffic in an urban environment with a minimal tool: duct tape."

i tried to embed the video but i am not gifted so you'll have to jump over to his site. It's nifty and has fun background music and, if you're like me (but maybe you're gifted) it plays with your perception of New Yorkers.

Heyyyy, it works after all!!

Happy first day of summer, internet! Our humble li'l sundial has been training all year for its big day, so ditch your wristwatch, head down to the river, and observe the fabulous primitive time-telling in all its bridge-y glory.

ahhh, stereotypes

Over the weekend, we went to an automall and test drove a Toyota Matrix. The salesman who assisted us was very nice, patient, not pushy, soft spoken...all the things you WISH car salesmen were. His name was Al and he was from Pakistan.

When Al realized that we were not inclined to drive away that afternoon in a brand new car, he had his Sales Manager come talk to us. i don't remember Sales Manager Man's name, but let's call him JimmyBob, and he was obviously from the USA. JimmyBob was unctuous, impatient, and pushy. All the things car salesman ARE, and you wish WEREN'T.

While Al left to shoot the breeze, we sat in the little cubicle with JimmyBob discussing our vehicle situation. Since it was a day that ended in Y, the subject of fuel prices came up. JimmyBob expressed his frustration, relating a story in which he went to buy gas and it was $4.60 and the gas station attendant said at least it wasn't $4.75, like the station across the street. Harmless, pointless story right? Could've been replaced with the statement 'i dislike the current cost of fuel.' Except that if JimmyBob had just said that, he wouldn't have had the chance to 'quote' the gas station attendant using an awful middle eastern accent. (Yes. He did.) He, who only had us in there in the first place because his Pakistani sales associate was good at his job, used us and our whiteness to attempt camaraderie and make himself seem savvy and funny by being mildly discriminatory toward people of middle eastern ethnicity.

It was kind of nauseating.

We didn't buy the car, obviously. The plan is, if we decide we want it, to go back and deal only with Al, not with JimmyBob.

subliminal messages

Dearest Josh,

i think it would be a really good idea to re-do our Web site and doing so would make a smashing anniversary gift to me, since i'm the only one who ever posts. No seriously, i can't even remember the last time you posted in 3.5 years, which is fine, but it's looking a little 04' around here, you know? 2004 was a loooooong time ago. Back when John Kerry was going to be president and 'Return of the King' was named 'Like, bestest movie EVER!' by the Academy, Lance Armstrong rode away with Tour #6, Martha Stewart went to prison, the Red Sox were all "curse, schmurse!", Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, and Rick James all passed away, the Pacers and the Pistons got in a biiiig hair-pulling and eyeball-scratching fight, John Kerry was not the next president after all, the tsunami swallowed southeast Asia, and a tv show about a crashed airplane and a creepy island debuted with a cast of nobodies and i said to you "How much material can they really have to sustain that show? 'Stranded on a desert island' only lasts for so long" and you said to me "Ever heard of 'Gilligan's Island'?" and i said "No. My parents didn't get cable until i moved out, which obviously doesn't embitter me to this day." Remember? (internet, we totally had that EXACT conversation whilst a promo for Lost played in the background)
And while i appreciate that we obviously have a color preference, since the color of our blog is the same as our wedding party apparel was and is the same as our living room walls are and is the same color family as our two pets, i'm ready for something else for ol' webby. Maybe a grey-ish purple? Since i'm the only one who posts and since you rarely seem to actually READ this blog-with-your-name-on-it, i'm hoping maybe the re-design will come in time for my birthday or Christmas. i wouldn't wait too long if i were you, you know that i know how to use templates and i know how much vitriol you feel towards templates.

i'm just sayin.

Sincerely,

your wife ....and wikipedia.

The Purse

Now is as good a time as any (isn't that a strange phrase? American is a weird language) to tackle a long-overdue blog entry called 'GOOD LORD WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PURSE?' This hopes to be just as amusing/ appalling as my text message lists.

1 bottle of Aleve Liquigels (not the small travel kind either, the biggie with 80 dolls inside)
A still-wrapped drinking straw
Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion
7 Claritin
Orange bouncy ball
Green post-it reading: Simplicity 2968, 2995 Vogue 8411/8181 8468
Quarter sheet of paper masquerading as a to-do list (4/8 things left to do, in case you're wondering)
Little paper holder formerly containing Jack in the Box french fires
Hairbrush
3 spoons (not plastic spoons, the nice ones we registered for at Macy's. 1 of which is the giant serving spoon kind)
2 cd mixes; 1 called 'Christmas Mix 07, Office Version' and 1 called 'Regina Spektor & friends'
Sticker name tag from Best Companies to Work for In Shasta County breakfast
6 maximum strength Midol
2 gum wrappers
Ear buds
Tube of Neosporin
Video iPod
Scrap of paper reading: "Like Water for Chocolate, Lady in the Water, & The Ultimate Gift"
3 Aleve liquigels that managed to escape the bottle
2 lip gloss tubes
Dutch Bros punch card with 2 stamps
2 pay stubs
Antique ring-mirror
1 Comtrex Cold & Cough, expiration 10/2007
3 Reese's mini peanut butter cup wrappers
Half-full bag of Halls cough suppresants, belonging to Josselyn
Small spiral-bound Van Gogh calendar i bought to keep track of what i did that day. Last entry: April 6th.
Pack of Orbit bubblemint gum
Lipstick: Mary Kay's 'rose petal'
Blue wallet
Red cell phone
Purple toothbrush
Credit card, driver's license (no, of course they're not kept safely in the wallet!)
6 MORE maximum strength Midol in the other pocket
Small red travel case containing the following:
--Tide To-Go stain remover
--hand sanitizer
--lipstick: Almay's 'bronze 205'
--mirror
--toothpaste
--Carmex tube
--Blistex tube
--4 Band-Aids
--Chanel "Chance"perfume sample
--hair clip
--Burts Bees blemish stick
And finally, receipts (all from the first two weeks of April, oddly) for:
-Target, for returning a pleated skirt
-Carl's Jr
-Safeway: for Rolos, a mini pizza, a Dr. Pepper and 2 Healthy Choice Cafe' Steamers
-Target, for Heather Sanders' shower gifts, and some gum
-Target again, for clothes
-Chipotle
-Safeway: mascara, eyeliner, and cat food
-Walgreens

Well there you have it. You thought Boy Scouts were prepared! i could remove your appendix or treat your malaria using only items found in my purse! Let it be known that a previous purse, now retired, once enclosed all its usual contents, plus 2 In-n-Out burgers, two orders of fries, and 2 regular sized soft drinks (standing upright) and bore it all into the movie theater without a single spilled drop of pop or smashed fry. i'd like to see you do that with your wallet, sir.

The Mighty B

(sorry Bonnie, this post is not about you)

In my ever-increasing effort to become The Most Balanced, Well Rounded Person You Will Ever Meet, i've added a Nickelodeon show to my regular DVR recordings. (current subscriptions: Ebert & Roeper, Reno 911, Martha Stewart and various scripted offerings that are on summer hiatus) This cartoon gem is just about the best thing to happen to the color yellow since butterscotch candies. Go thee to your tv guide and find the next episode of THE MIGHTY B.

'The Mighty B' is the name of the imaginary superhero alter ego belonging to the one and only Bessie Higgenbottom, a 10yr old Honeybee Scout with giant glasses, a gnarly lateral lisp and a feverish drive to earn every available merit badge (there are something like 4,000). She also has the energy of a liter bottle of concentrated Red Bull. The best, best, best part about Bessie is that she was created and is voiced by The Funniest Blond Woman Ever To Walk Planet Earth: SNL's Amy Poehler. (i had to specify blond because you can't make me choose between her and Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig. i won't do it. Until i decide that would make a good blog. Then i will.)

Por ejemplo: in one episode, Bessie and her Honeybee pal Penny get addicted to crashing Bat Mitzvahs. Imagine the social profiling jokes that escape the younger viewers, it's pretty hilarious. Key quote: "Ok Penny, remember: if anyone asks, we are her cousins from Tel Aviv."

In another episode, Bessie becomes an investigatory journalist to scoop out the secret of her fellow Honeybee, Portia. If you didn't think it was possible for a children's cartoon to spoof the Oscar-winning Watergate film, 'All the President's Men', you were wrong.

Bessie also beat-boxes her way onto a roller coaster, teaches her dog to ballroom dance, and decides she has ESP. If you've ever seen the SNL sketches where Poehler plays the little kid 'Caitlin' ("Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!") you'll have a good idea of the mania that identifies Bessie. Plus, the animation is 'Ren & Stimpy'-esque, so it's pretty nutty.

My explanation doesn't do it justice because there are a thousand subtle jokes in every episode and i can't capture the pages-long diatribes that Bessie delivers at hyper-speed. Asians, dog shows, stage-moms, carnies, you name it: this show lovingly digs at it. Oh, and it's set in San Francisco! NorCal pride!

Go watch it. Now. Or come to my house because i have them all saved on the DVR.

priorities

A peep into an evening with your favorite Markles.

Kallie is on the couch surfing the interweb and watching a special on BBC America called 'Transvestite Wives' and thinking 'why oh why oh why don't the Brits go to the orthodontist? i mean good grief!' Penny is asleep at her feet, Cosmo is having a tryst with the couch pillow next to her. Behind her is the mess of easel, dropcloth, and tubes of paint scattered around two paintings rushed into creation to replace the beloved ones given away. Josh is buzzing around like his busy-bee self paying bills and preparing to sell his Treo and digital camera on e-bay, occasionally stopping to pick at the big ugly scab on his knee from a soccer game the week before.

Eventually they meet in the office (where the clean laundry has taken up residence) to go over the June obligations: 6 birthdays, 2 weddings, 8 soccer games, 2 trips to Sacto, 1 book club mtg, 1 mid-week church meeting, 1 bridal shower, 1 anniversary, and 1 major movie premiere.

well now i'm just confused.

i received two text messages last night from two friends who live in different cities, have never met, but both have relatively good taste when it comes to the arts.

First: "Everyone has to go see Indiana Jones right now because it's freaking amazing!!!"

Then: "indiana jones was BAD. it pains me more than you know to have to say that."

Sooooo, now what? The SciFi channel was showing Indy marathons last week and i was reminded of just how infectious that darn theme music is. Other observations included "Oh my stars i forgot how awful 'Temple of Doom' truly was." and "Oh my stars i forgot how truly fun 'Last Crusade' was."

Oh Indy. How you toy with my heart.

my movie meme

from Charlie. (a meme consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.)

1. One movie that made you laugh
     The 40 Year Old Virgin
2. One movie that made you cry
     Mystic River
3. One movie you loved when you were a child
     The Three Amigos
4. One movie you’ve seen more than once
     The Red Violin
5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it
     She's The Man
6. One movie you hated
     21
7. One movie that scared you
<-- The Shining 

8. One movie that bored you 

     Good Night & Good Luck 

9. One movie that made you happy 

     Tea With Mussolini 

10. One movie that made you miserable
     Atonement
11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see
     Farhenheit 9/11
12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with
     Tony Stark
13. The last movie you saw
     Iron Man 
14. The next movie you hope to see
     The Dark Knight
15. Your favorite movie
     Big Night-->

The Pen

Here are more picturess of our 4-legged crack-up. Her latest amusement: over a week ago we changed the sheets on our bed, and since the hamper was already overflowing, we naturally left the dirty sheets in a pile on the floor. They're still there because she loves to roll around in them, snorting and flopping and generally looking insane.

As usual, these visual feasts come courtesy of Jesse and Lyn, without whom our lives would be completely undocumented.

It's all connected, like a web. ...Oh, i get it now!

This isn't news, but the internet is a magical place, folks. Your particular foible can find it's international audience, people you'll never meet can know all about your eating habits, and you can sell a piece of toast with the blessed virgin's face on it.
In an effort to increase the interconnectedness of everything and bring balance to the universe while i belly dance with crystals and wear hemp, here is a list of people we're pleased to know and sites to which we are pleased to go. (in alphanumberic order) (now raise your hands if you thought, 'kallie really thinks it's pronounced/spelled 'numberic'!??) (everyone with their hand up sucks) Whatever. Let me know if i missed anything or if there's a site i must know about.

Betsy Lance
blog:: good for: intelligent musings, booklists
for reals site:: good for: pretty pictures and good design
-
Charlie Pardue "Thinking out loud about life, ministry, theology, film and discipleship."
good for: debating the worth of Spiderman, thought provoking questions, reviews of the latest theology books
-
Chris & Cassie "Safety never takes a vacation"
good for: facts about professional bicycling, fun journeys 'round the globe, east coast musings
-
Colbert Nation
good for: all things Stephen Colbert, who is the funniest person on the planet.
-
Daily Chuck
good for: cool pictures of cool dogs belonging to a total stranger (that friends, is the power of the web.)
-
David Overholt
Good for: examining the oddities of life, nifty pictures, artytechy stuff, trying to remember what it is David's studying and what ITP stands for
-
Design*Sponge
Good for: creative inspiration, ideas, lusting for things i can't afford
-
Derren Raser
good for: great music
-
Ebert & Roeper
good for: movie reviews, from the latest release to balcony archives going back 20 years
-
FOUNDmagazine
good for: amusing, odd notes, grocery lists and photos people find lying around and send in. Includes a new Find every day.
-
FreeRice
good for: increasing your vocabulary while donating rice to the UN World Food Program to help end world hunger.
-
GoFugYourself "fugly is the new pretty"
good for: very funny commentary on the latest atrocity worn by the latest celebrity
-
Jason & Winter "We sure are cute for two ugly people."
good for: cool tunes, hilarity, links to fantastic sites
-
JenkinsRUs
good for: updates on Rachel, Jason and Taylor and pics of the bluest baby eyes you'll ever see
-
Lyn & Jesse
blog::good for: fantabulous videos and pictures (many of which feature yours trulies)
for reals site:: good for: bitchin' videos of the advertising persuasion and other misc. purpose
-
Matt & Bren
good for: updates and pictures of Little Miss Awesome
-
Mipa Lee
good for: creative inspiration, great design and illustration (Mipa is a friend of Betsy's)
-
Petfinder
good for: um, finding pets, also finding local recue organizations, articles on pet care, and more
-
Postsecret
good for: fascinating and sometimes heartbreaking secrets on postcards that people mail to a random guy in Maryland, posted every Sunday.
-
Television Without Pity "spare the snark, spoil the networks"
good for: witty recaps of your favorite shows
-
What Claudia Wore "A look into the closet of Stoneybrook's most fashion-forward babysitter"
good for: clever rehashings of those Babysitters Club books you loved so much in junior high, specifically, the fashion creations of your favorite character, Claudia Kishi.
-
YouTube "Broadcast yourself"
good for: ....if you don't know what YouTube is good for then go there and do a search "water slide doberman", "dramatic chipmunk", "backflip jeans" or "korean baby hey jude" for examples of its majesty

look who's all growed up

Let it be known that on this eighth day of the month of May, year of our Lord two thousand and eight, Travis Roy Baker; alias Oatmeal; alias Ed Fiscal; alias Cynical NonBeliever; rocker of the Macgyver mullet, head gear, and transition-lense glasses with spandex head strap; player of Micro Machines and kazoos; dyer of hair; performer of plays and impressive magical feats; writer; repeated dater of younger sister's friends; wearer of tiny cowboy hat and matching boots; once-rumored Buddhist; editorializer; cafeteria worker; reader of Clavin & Hobbes and Vonnegut and many Piers Anthony paperbacks; firstborn and last boy; master and owner of Newt (r.i.p.); eventual graduate; worshipper of Star Wars; beer can Christmas tree decorater; executioner of teddy bears and Barbies; concealer of tattoos; attempted enabler of sister-drunkenness; pourer of orange juice; scholar; breaker of motor vehicle laws; giver of logs as Christmas gifts to naïve siblings; subsequent teacher to siblings to not be so naïve next time; anonymous critic of Jim De Saegher; former Giant Eyeball; associate producer of epic junior high cinema; road tripper; broker of suspicious trades; son of Big Time and Sherrilyn; brother of Kallie and Bonnie; brother in law of Josh and Andy; special friend to Amber; has marked thirty consecutive years of life and is entitled to all accompanying honor and derision.