When Good Family Spy Shows Go Bad

Sometimes you have to write things out to grasp their magnitude. Take, por ejemplo, the Alias season finale.

The American Super-spies (they make other spies look like Natl. Guardsmen) are in Moscow where the Rambaldians, a wack-o cult with extremely high government connections (but really, don't all cults have great clout with powerful gov.s?), has used the genetics of an orchid to unleash a giant swirly red ball in the air over Moscow. This Uber-Gobstopper will, upon being triggered, poison the water supply of the entire planet.
Before they parachute safely through the Evil Gobstopper, Vaughn asks Sydney to be his SpyWife and gives her a diamond decoder ring.
While the two Spy-Geeks back at headquarters find an internet porn video of a Russian official to be used for blackmail in exchange for The All Important Secret Code to Russia, the better looking spies (too hot for desk jobs) are walking around the desecrated streets of Moscow. Apparently there's not THAT much of a hurry to save the earth.
Suddenly! RUSSIAN ZOMBIES! The Gobstopper has unleashed legions of them! They have red eyes and can speak English! Luckily their friend from NYU happens to be wandering around Moscow with an AK47. He tells them you have to shoot the zombies to kill them, right before a Russian zombie sticks a rod of rebar thru his chest. Dying, he tells them their only way to the Gobstopper floating above the city is through the underground subways, naturally. They will have to activate the Subway batteries in order to operate it, as Moscow is experiencing a rolling blackout.
Sydney asks Nadia to be her maid of honor, but when the Russian zombies chase them Nadia can't run fast enough to jump aboard the subway. Sydney prettily furrows her brow and wonders if maybe slow-poke Nads isn't maid of honor material.

Oh yeah, and a glowing white horse walks by at one point, in the depths of Gobstopper-Zombie blacked out desecrated Russia. It's apparently a sign that the Chosen One will triumph over the StayPuffed Marshmallow Man or something.

Fast forward to when Sydney has 4 seconds to unplug the evil Gobstopper. Ambiguous Sloane, still stoked they were able to kill his Sloane Clone last week, has to shoot his daughter, the now Zombified Nadia, who was trying to kill Sydney out of jealousy that Syd was getting married before her. Jack and his actually-not-dead-after-he-shot-her Russian ex-wife Irina are interrogating her somehow-Spanish sister Ilena (ps- their other sister is Italian). Irina puts a bullet in sis's head for calling her fat and tells Syd to cut the blue wire. YAY! The Gobstopper explodes into water and they all take the elevator to safety, which i guess operates off the subway's batteries.

Phone Etiquette

Yesterday i was getting ready to leave work when a man suffering from ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease) called to berate me for apparently caring more about frozen embryos than i do about sick people. After ten minutes of me not getting a word in edgewise he finally told me that he hopes me and all my coworkers get ALS so we would know how it feels. That's when i decided i didn't need to be on the phone with him any longer. Great way to end a day huh? It's always nice when perfect strangers wish crippling, fatal diseases on you.

JOSH AND KALLIE BACK ONLINE!

Yes, the computer is fixed and we are back up running with even more great info about your favorite couple! Check out Kosmo, the new addition to the Markle family!

Why Kallie Is Awesome, Reason #43

i am eating a chimichanga out of a mug with a spoon.

Another Kallie Dream

Me and Travis and a bunch of my punk rock friends (don't laugh-it could happen) were walking through a mall or carnival (is there really a difference?) when we came across Steven Spielberg and a huge sound stage and a bunch of photographers, makeup people, etc. Apparently we had appointments to take stills of the new Star Wars episode (which Spielberg is directing now i guess) which we apparently were also in. i was dressed up like either Mary Magdalene or the Emperor, either way i had some sort of hood. My pose was that of Princess Leia and the whole "Help Me Obi Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope" bit. While we were waiting to take the picture, there were deleted scenes from Minority Report playing on the hugest screen ever. Something about Tom Cruise and Colin Ferrel in a cab. Steven was explaining that these were the scenes the studio made him cut. i didn't know that anyone could make Steven do anything he didn't want to do. i got tired of waiting or had to pee or something, so i drove away in my big jeep, and a PA had to come get me. Steven Speilberg was not to happy with me for driving away. i just kept thinking, "You look like Karl Martin." By then Travis and all my punk rock friends had left, leaving me to take my picture all alone at the dark carnival/sound stage.

RootCanalLitterBoxComcast

i just learned that i will be having a root canal on Friday the 13th. Luckily, i'm a professional dental patient who specializes in root canals and other extra-unpleasant procedures. No amateur should attempt this.

We are in our new apartment and we love it! Thanks all who helped. Come visit soon, we have someone special for you to meet....OUR NEW KITTY! His name is Cosmo (as in Kramer) but Josh calls him Nancy. We've always been dog people, but we're learning that the whole cat/litter box thing is fantastic. Then again, our cat is smarter and cleaner and cooler than every other cat ever....

i know you're just DYING for pictures of Cosmo/Nancy/Daquiri (as David calls him) but since the Comcast monkey never showed up during his 4 hour window and can't come again for 2 WEEKS, i'm writing this from work. We'll put pictures up as soon as we can. "Don't worry," Comcast person says, "we won't charge you for these two weeks!" Yeah. Duh. i'd like to know how they'd charge us for the phone, internet and cable service we DON'T have because their guy DIDN'T come install it. (although he claims otherwise. Comcast: Do you live in a beige building? Josh: Yes. Comcast: Yeah, he said he went there and it was a beige building and no one was home. (For those unfamiliar with Elk Grove, EVERYTHING IS BEIGE. Elk Grove makes 'cookie-cutter' seem random.) My bet is that he was eating Doritos and smoking a joint in his truck somewhere. Come on karma, don't fail me now...)

Tirade over. Will post pics of kitty soon.

kal