i believe the word you're looking for is 'it's-a-Christmas-miracle'

Having awkwardly hauled cupcakes to a potluck just last night, i am thunderstruck by this.
Folks, meet the Cupcake Courier.
"The Cupcake Courier is a rectangular, translucent plastic container that holds three stackable cupcake trays. Each tray has 12 deep cups to hold each cupcake secure. It has a comfortable handle, and 4 bottom latches that hold the base securely.
The Cupcake Courier is able to transport and/or store up to thirty-six cupcakes or muffins all in one easy, great looking container!
The Cupcake Courier's 3 trays can be removed, and the unit can double as a cake courier."

Puttin' on the Ritz!

Emmy-winning actor Peter Boyle, who played the dancing monster in the movie "Young Frankenstein" and grouchy father Frank Barone in the TV series "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died, his publicist said on Wednesday.
The 71-year-old former Christian Brothers monk died on Tuesday after a long battle with multiple myeloma and heart disease, his publicists said.
Boyle, who often played cantankerous characters, shot to fame as a foul-mouthed, working-class bigot in the 1970 film "Joe."
He also played one of Robert DeNiro's fellow taxi drivers in Martin Scorsese's "Taxi Driver" in 1976, the cruel, racist father to Billy Bob Thornton in 2001's "Monster's Ball," and took a comic turn as the Frankenstein monster in the 1974 Mel Brooks spoof "Young Frankenstein."
In recent years he played numerous roles on television, including the father to Ray Romano's character. He acted in 201 episodes of the situation comedy from 1996 to 2005 and received numerous Emmy nominations.
He won an Emmy for outstanding guest actor appearance on "The X-Files" in 1996.
Beatle John Lennon was the best man at Boyle's 1977 wedding to journalist Loraine Alterman, then a Rolling Stone reporter.
He is survived by his wife and two daughters, Amy and Lucy Boyle.
Despite playing some unsavory characters, he refused roles that glamorized violence, including the lead role of Popeye Doyle that went to Gene Hackman in 1971's "The French Connection," according to the IMDb entertainment Web site.
Boyle suffered a stroke in 1990 and recovered, then had a heart attack on the set of "Everybody Loves Raymond" in March 1999. He returned to the show soon after heart surgery.
(obit courtesy of Reuters/TVguide.com)

How 'bout we all watch Young Frankenstein tonight? Peace out, Peter. Thank you for making us laugh.

movie review

APOCALYPTO
Starring: Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Hernandez, and the last of the Mexican rainforests

(i'm still processing, so bear with me. )

i read that Mel Gibson's inspiration for this movie came in part out of his desire to do a really great chase scene: not with shiny cars or planes and trains, but an intense, edge-of-your-seat, primal chase. Essentially that's what the second half of this movie is.
Plot overview: Jaguar Paw's Mayan village is ravaged and everyone is taken as captives to be used as human sacrifices for another Mayan group. Jaguar Paw is able to hide his very pregnant wife, Seven, and their little boy, Turtles Run, in a chasm before he's captured. The rest of the film is him trying to escape his captors, avoid getting his heart carved out of his chest, and get back to his family.
The story is simple, but of course tells the larger tale of the decimation of the entire Mayan civilization. It also has much to say about living in a culture of fear and violence.
Speaking of violence..........it was graphic. Well, it was a Mel Gibson film. Think of how many times you peeped through your fingers during Braveheart while someone's skull was getting smashed, or in The Passion of the Christ when the soldiers were whipping Jesus. It's kinda like that. i only covered my eyes three times, but maybe i'm desensitized. For those who want to see the movie, but are a bit squeamish, i'll give you three warnings: Beware the valley after the corn. Beware the jaguar. Beware the waterfall.
Now to the main reason i wanted to see this movie: CULTURE. i feel incredibly lame saying this, because i know zilch about the Mayans, but it was so REAL. The 'set' (if you can reduce the rainforest to being a 'set'), the costuming, the scope of it was unfathomable. i couldn't help thinking of old westerns when they'd through a few feathers in a brunette's hair, put some brown slippers and a fringed skirt on her and call her Indian. In Apocalypto, you couldn't tell if the crazy tattooing or bone piercings were costume or not. i love wondering how many of the actors and extras were in their own skin, so to speak.
This movie exists in the strange dichotomy of being a gorgeous representation of stark, mind-boggling destruction. Everything and everyone is utterly believable. Maybe that's because i don't know any better, but i don't care.
Rudy Youngblood is amazing as Jaguar Paw. Whole stretches of story pass without dialogue (oh yeah, it's in MAYAN. You know how Mel loves those dead languages!) and he has to play punch drunk, deadly-calm, pure adrenaline, and primal fear kind of all at once for 3 hours. Dalia Hernandez (Seven) also deftly juggles mortal fear and bad-ass determination. Turtles Run: cutest little boy EVER, but i digress. Look up any of the actors in this film and you'll see only this film on their resume'. They're communicating the unreachable nightmare of a mysterious civilization in a dead language. Impressive.
If you don't let the violence get in the way of appreciating the undertaking, you'll enjoy this movie. i did, and it seemed like the rest of the packed theater for a late Sunday showing did. 5 out of 5 helpful poison frogs.

general update

Umm, where to start... Our Thanksgiving was busy: Hang out with Winter and Jason on Tuesday and Wednesday, drive to Redding, have a gourmet cheese-laden Thanksgiving followed rapidly by Bonnie's birthday and some impressive gingerbreading (we won), drive back to meet up with J and Winter again and go straight to Stockton to see the Thunder take on the Alaska Aces (overtime, then a shootout! we got out-aced though), Saturday was the requisite wine tasting and lunch at Lodi brewery followed by some desperate Wii-playing once John got home from SD with the Nintendo, then Sunday was Thanksgiving with the Markles, including more Wii and good times. That Monday, Kallie T. and i learned how to use BART and went into the city to do a little shopping and get our hair did by Cousin Margaret and now we're catching our breath. Josh is going to Chicago tomorrow (without ME!) for what i'm sure is some serious Christmas shopping for yours truly under the guise of 'doing business' and i'm getting the house decorated and wrapping the last few gifts. (Yes, our Christmas shopping is FINISHED. Yay US!) We're going to the city again this weekend to see Korina and so Josh can go to a Photoshop conference, then next weekend down to San Diego to visit friends and get Bonnie out of her dorm...after that....Christmas! Whoa. i'm gonna have to turn on my holiday tunes before it's all over. i guess that's it for now...

Can't talk, Eukanuba's on.

The AKC Eukanuba National Championship is on, and it makes me wonder if my life went in the wrong direction... but i guess it's not too late to have that puppy farm.

Time for another exciting round...

...of 'TEXT MESSAGES SAVED IN MY PHONE THAT ARE EITHER FUNNY IN AND OF THEMSELVES, OR FUNNY WHEN YOU READ THEM OUT OF CONTEXT, OR FUNNY WHEN YOU READ TWO UNRELATED ONES TOGETHER, OR JUST FUN.'

Like a midget peeing in a urnal, i was gonna have to keep on my toes.

I couldn't make that up if g tried?

BEST. BOND. EVER

Oh what's that, you love me McDreamy? Oh yeah i know you do

i'll call u when i get 2 your place of work. do u actually work?
(you can guess what i answered)
Me neither. (this is from a CDF firefighter, so don't leave candles unattended)

Because i think we should cook food and eat it all.

How do you feel about animal prints in general?

Itunes beyotch! take THAT!

White.y?

Would you be up for coffee with Danielle and then dogs? (coffee with dogs? could be fun)

i don't like my friends here anymore.

Try to my face and watch what happens!

where is your velvet elvis?

On my 32nd attempt at baking cookies, the technique continues to escape me.

Trees can do that?

Want to meet for lunch and then invite us over to play Mario Party?

Not yet. It sucked my butt!

AWE! SOME!!

It still amazes me how much better the ice blendeds from CBandTL are than anywhere else.

Winter is WRONG! we snuck a bottle of champagne in and it was still booooring!

The relief will come with my next poop.

My dad made a 4x7 foot cardboard motorcycle pinata for Andy's bday!

Kahlua just licked Cosmo all over the head. Baptized him!

Also, i'm glad that i will never have to do the long distance phone/text sex thing!

I'm hella allergic yo.

Go buckhalter! He got the start. (it should be pointed out that i don't have a Fant. Football team, nor do i know who Buckhalter is)

The only currency you have in this bankrupt world is the stuff you share with people when you're uncool.

Seriously.

everyone needs a cause

Our friend Craig Slike is a big fan of breasts........specifically, breast cancer research. Every year he participates in San Diego's 3-day Marathon to raise money, and he throws fundraising parties and concerts called BreastFest. This year he and two friends formed a team for the marathon and called themselves 'Walking for Second Base'. You can view pictures of the adventure here and see what other crazy costumes/names/ideas people came up with.

true story

This morning i mowed the lawn around a 6 foot inflatable pilgrim turkey, then i fed the clippings to the goats that live with the peacock.

Halloween Poem

Halloween:
when children can wear their hero's shoes
and their fantasy’s crown,
be bigger than a nightmare
and turn a monster into nothing but a mask.

The curtain call for every PlayDate
and dress-up rehearsal,
all the world a fabulously-dressed guest,
a sparkling and ghoulish theatergoer.
Each takes her turn,
then his,
emerging from offstage as
Mistress Goddess Queen of Glamour Herself
and King Dragon Slayer Captain Triumph.

At the last call, to the applause of onethousand
bronze-armed trees and the grinning glee of
each glowing gourd face,
they rise
red and blue capes,
broomsticks and
rocketshoes,
fairy wings and wands swirling breathlessly
into the red carpet sky,
snapped clean by the admiring wind.

They shine,
and light up the night of the last great show of the season.

Yes, we know. We're clever.

We went to a Halloween Party last night, the kind where you're required to wear a costume. We weren't really stoked on the costume thing, but after talking with Winter about their dress-up genius, we got in the spirit and were able to pull off some crowd favorites with just a little bit of wit and stitching. What follows are instructions on how to put together two great costumes out of stuff you probably already have and that allow you to not look or feel like an idiot.

THE MENTAL PATIENT
Start with white linen pants, or blue/grey/tan. Doesn't have to be linen, but avoid flannels and sweats, otherwise you just look sleepy. No denim, and preferably no pockets. Next: a long sleeve shirt in any of the aforementioned colors, worn inside out. On the back, write or pin/sew a square that says some variation of: "Sac County Mental Corrections, Patient 34052." On the front, do the same with just your patient id #. This also helps defend you against that awful "What are you supposed to be?" question. With arms in the sleeves, cross them in the front and tie/sew/pin them as far back as is comfortable. This acheives the 'straight jacket' look. Extra points if you can include buckles or leather belts. Complete the attire with mismatched footwear. I chose one slipper and one flip-flop, with a hole-y blue and orange sock on under the flipflop. (Remember- mental patients don't get shoes with laces!) Top it off with the appropriate hair and make-up: Hair should be bedheaded and disheveled, the messier the better, maybe even a bit dirty. This is easiest to accomplish with short hair, and even better if you can acheive the 'choppy, super-short bangs' a la Angelina and Penelope in Girl, Interrupted and Gothika, respectively. (note: your arms are restrained, so avoid having too much hair in your face) Finally: break with continuity and, if you're female, apply make-up. Extensive and haphazard application is best. Black or dark eyeliner all around the top and bottom of the eye (smeared strategically to make sure you don't look like you've been punched twice) gives off that mad-woman, Mommie-Dearest, Hell-hath-no-fury vibe. Effective: sad and crazy. Upon arriving at the party and 'playing your part', the eye makeup really comes into its own when you make your 'I once ate 3 forks because the couch told me to' crazy face. To counterbalance the disturbing eyes, find the reddest lipstick you can and apply it to most of your lips and a little bit of your face-around-the-lips. This says, "i'm unstable enough to have to wear this straight jacket when i go on field trips, but i have just enough semblance of sanity to know that a proper lady never leaves the house without her lippy!" It makes for a more rounded and sympathetic character. If you have a partner, they can wear all white, carry a bunch of keys and a bottle of pills/syringe, and be your 'handler'.

THE NOT-LYING / NOT-KLEPTO
Dress in your usual attire. Opt for cargo pants and, if possible, a logo-free shirt or sweater with a pocket. Attach/iron on/sharpie the following on the front: I AM NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC, and on the back: OR A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. Carry a nondescript bag, like a pillowcase in the same color as your pants or shirt. Upon arriving at the party, your bag should already contain some random items, ie: a remote control, a dvd, a shoe obviously belonging to a person of the opposite sex, a condiment, and some item of personal value to someone other than yourself, like a framed photo or wallet. This costume is more about performance than look. When you arrive at the party, and people ask you what you're supposed to be, say "Just me tonight. ...unlike that one time i was running secret government ops in Turkmenistan and i had wear a glass eye and forge the identity of a shemale taxi-driver. That was an experience, man." Then take the food/beverage/cell phone/etc out of your friend's hand and walk away, putting said item in your bag. Forethought is very effective; if the hostess is preparing to serve snacks, steal something essential, like the stack of paper plates. If you know people will be making use of the billiard table, steal the white ball. Sneak off to the front entrance and snag keys, shoes, umbrellas, etc. If other costumes involve props like swords, wands, and pom-poms, look for opportunities when the wearer sets their accessory down to pour a drink. The host or hostess is the best target. They are mostly likely distracted by activity and are the central party-figure, so stealing their stuff is the best way to get people to enjoy your costume. Which brings us to the accusations: someone will no doubt take notice of your theft and call you out. This is when indignance comes into play. "I'm just here enjoying the festivities! Why are you being like this? I didn't behave this way when my Porsche and my prize shi-tzu Tammy were stolen on that trip to Reno, did I?" Involving your 'pathological liar' identity helps deflect from the theft. When people insist on looking in your mysterious bag, take umbrage. "I'm not going through your pockets! I could, since I'm an Honorary Federal Deputy because of my work in the JonBenet Ramsey case, but I'm not." Then walk away. Removing yourself from the situation frees you from committing any of your lies to stories. Short lies are good too. When a fellow partier compliments the food, say "Yeah, rice krispy treats. My three adopted Namibian kids love em with M & Ms. Hey, how are you liking that new stereo system you installed?" Changing the subject disallows them from responding to your lie. Extra bonus points if you can get the host's docile pet to stay in your bag until a partygoer notices. Some items won't fit in your bag: an umbrella, a wok, a candelabara. Like the pet, these stolen items are meant to be noticed and removed, but be sure to blame someone else for their 'mysterious' presence in your possession. Finally, don't forget to return stolen items as people leave or at the end of the night. It won't be fun for them if they end up locked out of their house because your klepto-d their keys and forgot to give them back, or if you stole part of a rented costume.

Hopefully it's not too late in Halloween-season for you to use these tips. Have fun with them! Your friends will too!

reminder...

October 31st is a great evening to do your Christmas shopping (don't hate me for bringing It up) because you probably just got paid, the malls stay open their regular hours, and there are no crowds... except for the weirdos who take their kids trick-or-treating at the mall, which = depressing. You'll be glad you did it so early. ...unless all the people you got gifts for decide to wait til December 19th to tell you they all talked and decided not to exchange gifts this year!! If you have relatives/friends/in-laws who are capable of pulling this dastardly trick, remember to keep your receipts. Then sneak expired eggnog into their mugs when they're not looking.

movie review

The Prestige
Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine ....and a guy they call DAVID BOWIE

Ok. This movie is about two magicians, Rupert Angier (Jackman) and Alfred Borden (Bale) who begin as friends and quickly become rivals. Their rivalry is not the fun kind- it's bitter and violent. Each man tries to trip up, one up, and mess up the other as they struggle to become the premiere magician in turn-of-the-century London. Trapped in the battle are Cutter (Michael Caine, complete with his cockney accent) as Angier's partner and engineer, Olivia (Scarlett Johansson) as the beautiful-assistant-turned-bait, and Borden's wife and daughter. When Borden appears to master 'The Vanishing Man' and Angier can't figure out how he does it, Angier goes to America to track down the infamous Nikola Tesla (David Bowie) and get some answers.
It is twists and turns, obsessions, deceit and it gets violent. In retrospect, there were only a few incidents of violence, but the intimacy of them leaves a significant mark on the movie so that it feels much more violent than it actually was. i couldn't decide whether i was on Angier's team or Borden's. Borden is the bad guy, but Angier's obsession is so intense that it's like watching your friend battle an unhealthy addiction. For this reason, the movie seems repetitive, but only until the next twist. Just when you think you can expect a certain outcome, it switches, then switches back, then flips inside out. It's all so spinny and interwoven that the four of us who went all had different understandings of the what and why and who. i should've known it would be so dark and twisty: it was written and directed by Christopher Nolan, who did Memento, Insomnia and Batman Begins. Ultimately its about not accepting the world as it is, and trying to make something more out of it....whether you're genuinely making magic, or just employing a little slight of hand to make people 'ooh' and 'ahh' and escape for an hour or so. It's lavish, intense and addictive. And easy on the eyes :P
Highly recommended- 4 out of 5 smashed canaries

Sooo...does this mean i don't exist?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. There are 1,500 people in the U.S. with the first name Kallie. Statistically the 4019th most popular first name. (tied with 1145 other first names) There are 5,759 people in the U.S. with the last name Markle. Statistically the 6100th most popular last name. (tied with 36 other last names) How many have your name?

gourd-tastic

At Ye Olde Annual Pumpkin Demolishing In The Name Of Art & Agritainment, i won the 'over achiever award' for sculpting TRES veggies.

Here are the rest of the many-improvised-award-winning entries. They include 'Is That A Penguin?', 'Conjoined Twins', 'I Like Trees, OK?', 'Artsy Square Things', 'Ode To Tim Burton' and 'I Didn't Know Pumpkins Had Nostrils':
Then SOMEONE decided to be a diva and stick a road flare in his pumpkin. i won't say who, but his name doesn't rhyme with anything because it's Travis. Anyway, here are los pumpkinos in the light.


After the Fest, i went with Bondy (Bonnie & Andy) and Tyler & Heather (Tyther?) to the Hawes Ranch Corn Maze. TEN ACRES of 12ft tall corn with THREE MILES of trail in the shape of Johnny Cash (cuz that's how we roll in the Rdg) and we went at 11:30 at night with no map or flashlight. There were guys who would jump out of the corn with chainsaws...which was a tiny bit scary, if you like massive understatements. Just when we thought we were close to the end, we came across stairs and a bridge-lookout-thingy that allowed us to mount and observe that, oh no, we were nowhere near the beginning, we were in the dead center of Johnny. (in retrospect, i should've known they wouldn't put the lookout-thingy near the finish line) Oy. So, once more into the darkness and a few wrong turns later, we made it out (physically) unharmed.

and the list goes on

Kahlua ate my seam ripper. For the unaware, this is what a seam ripper looks/tastes like:

soundtrack of my life

(eat your heart out Cameron Crowe!)

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
Here's how it works:
- Open your music library
- Put it on shuffle
- For every question, type the song that's playing, no cheating!
- When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits: Amazing-Josh Kelley

Waking Up: Creep-the Bob Dylan cover

First Day At School: Yesterday-John Lennon

Falling In Love: Free Falling -Tom Petty (whoa... creepy)

Fight Song: My Tourniquet-Evanescence

Breaking Up: Let You Down-Dave Matthews Band (ha!)

Life's OK: You Are My Sunshine-Ray Charles

Mental Breakdown: Angel -Sarah McLachlan

Driving: Breakfast At Tiffany's-Deep Blue Something

Flashback: I'll Be Here Awhile-311

Getting Back Together: Blue Eyes Crying In the Rain-Willie Nelson

Wedding: This Is How It Goes - Aimee Mann

Birth of Child: The Closest Thing to Crazy-Katie Melua

Death Scene: Sitting on the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding

Funeral Song: April in Paris-Ella Fitzgerald

End Credits: There Goes My Hero-Foo Fighters

Movie Review

THE LAST KISS
<-starring all those people
Don't go see this movie. i don't care how much you love Garden State, The O.C. or whatever season of The Real World Jacinda Barrett made it out of. Just don't. Unless, of course, you LIKE spending $10 and 2 hours watching people be awful to each other, then i highly recommend it.
Okay, so it's well acted and well shot and i'm not naive enough to think that you need to love all the characters in every movie everywhere, but come on! Braff's character, Michael, tells his pregnant girlfriend of 3 years, Jenna (played by Barret), who is perfect by his own and his buddies' admissions, that he's madly in love with her and really excited about the unplanned pregnancy, then turns around and immediately and intentionally gets involved with another girl, Bilson's Kim. WHO, by the way, comes on to Michael at a wedding, finds out he has a girlfriend, and still pursues him. This all happens in the first 20 minutes, so there was no chance you were ever going to like Kim. Conniving slut. And later when Michael tells her 'Sorry, shouldn't have involved you in this', she tries to play like she's the victim?! Oh noooo honey, you did not just do that. Somehow, we're supposed to sympathize with Michael because he's turning 30 and 'there are no surprises left' and blah blah disenchanted peter pan blah blah blah. Nope. The guy's a jerk. i'd use other adjectives, but i think my grandma might read this. The likeability the writers create for him is solely based on his love for Jenna, and he annihilates that the first chance he gets.
There are other story lines involving his turning-30-not-ready-to-grow-up-buddies and even Jenna's disenchanted parents (played outstandingly by Wilkinson and the always balls-out Danner), but instead of deflecting your hatred of Michael onto them, they instead serve as further proof that, basically, people suck and treat others horribly. Good times. At least the acting was good. Jacinda Barret is an aussie and her really angry scenes had a bit of her accent in them, which was kinda fun. Bilson does her OC 'sprightly brunette' schtick, only with added sexy (ps, even if you ignore my advice to NOT see this movie and decide you WILL, don't see it with your parents), and it works for this role, but i'm not sure how far it'll take her otherwise. Casey Affleck is really good too. i wish he did more mainstream stuff because i never manage to see the artsy flicks he's in. Josh was ready to leave halfway through the movie, and frankly i was too, but i wanted to stay for Bythe Danner and Tom Wilkinson and they didn't let me down.
i know that the movie isn't claiming to be a great romance and is instead standing on the platform of 'this is reality! people do this stuff! life stinks sometimes! angst is as angst does!' ....but isn't the point of going to the movies to ESCAPE reality? Isn't the point of love and commitment saying 'i'm not going to do this stuff to you, and i'll make your life stink a little less'? Thanks for destroying both in one fell swoop guys.
i don't recommend it, unless you're a guy having an early mid-life crisis and need to feel validated. Even then....maybe not. 2 out of 5 pairs of chinos.

Don't cry for me, Elk Grove

This website takes your pics and finds your 'heritage'. i think they define heritage VERY loosely. Here are Josh, Purg and Travis. Other victims of my boredom included Katie Trihub, who's lookalike was Millard Fillmore (the 13th president), Jason Niemeyer: Scarlett Johansson, and Whitney: Penelope Cruz. Since you asked, a single pic of me got paired with everyone from Shirley Temple to Lauryn Hill to Michael Jackson.

a dog's life

Alot of people ask how Cosmo is getting along with our housemates' dog, Kahlua. Like any relationship, it takes time. They're fascinated with each other, and Kahlua just wants to give Cosmo a big kiss, but Cosmo still can't get over his fear. He stealthily follows Kahlua around the house, always via tabletop, couch, counter, bed or bookshelf...eye level or above ONLY. Occasionally Kahlua gets frustrated that nothing's happening (she's kind of an attention ho) and starts barking at a cruelly ambivelant Cosmo, but eventually he'll come down from his perch and the frantic staring contest will resume. You can click on the photo to see more of their around-the-house adventures.

...like a nose hair after a sneeze

(Stealing this from Matt, it's just too good.)

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse withoutone of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced acrossthe grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one havingleft Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fencesthat resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds whohad also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she wasthe East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

More Chalking

Al Franken wants to show you photos of the other Chalk It Up contributions.

Labor Day Weekend

We spent 2 days in Fremont Park this weekend, helping my aunt Cindy out with her double-square for the annual Chalk It Up benefit. Chalk It Up is a non-profit organization dedicated to funding children's art education in the Sacramento region. People can 'rent' portions of the sidewalk and decorate them with chalk. Vendors and musicians come, kids get small squares for free, lots of dogs... you name it. Since Cindy was asked to do a double square, she needed our help! Our portion was sponsored by University Art and was in a nice shady spot under a tree by the Children's Tent.
i can't remember how big our actual chunk of sidewalk was, but you can tell from this pic that it was big. (the sign in the top left is an 8.5 x 11 piece of paper) Of course, the photo doesn't do any justice to the pop of the color or to the nuances of our mad chalking techniques, so just trust me when i say it was genius. Our fingers are still pretty sore from using the small sticks of soft pastels and hand-blending the colors, and our legs and backs also took some for the team, but, it's all for the children. Josh was in charge of working a shout-out to our sponsor into the design, Cindy did all the crazy detail work, and i sat around eating chalk. Seriously folks, i'm not a natural with soft pastels, at least, not on sidewalk. i would color a portion, then Josh and Cindy would have to come through and edit it. It was fun though, anytime i can be covered head to toe in a mess of color is a good time. Makes me feel like an undiscovered prodigy to have art under my fingernails.

girl power

The beginning of a running list of non-dogfood things Kahlua has eaten....

An eyeglass repair kit
Borders price sticker ($14.99)
A ball and the 6 yards of string inside it
A small, emo kid named Austin*
Cat poo*
Danny's quarter
My sunglasses**

* commendable attempts
** ok, i have no evidence about this one, but i can't find them anywhere and she's been acting kinda shady. (HA! get it? SHADY! i'm hilarious!!!!)

Important List of Things Kahlua HASN'T eaten:

Cosmo

Happy Birthday to ME (and Whitney)

Thanks for all the text messages, phone calls, etc yesterday, it WAS a happy birthday! i had the day off work so i went and spent some Borders gift cards, did a little shopping and hung out with my sewing machine.
Then my housemate John brought his rottweiler Kahlua home from her summer break in Almanor and we mediated the meeting between the giant, friendly, slobbering Kahlua and the very confused and freaked out Cosmo. Fur flew, but no barking or claw marks, and attempts 2 and 3 were much better than 1, so it was relatively successful. They're seperated by a door today while we're all at work, but we'll keep 'introducing' them until they can be left together, undivided and unsupervised. We're not worried about Kahlua being mean, but she IS a dog, and dogs MUST chase things that run from them, especially when those things are speedy, fluffy and smell funny, so until we can be sure Cosmo won't run, they're seperated. They spent the morning on opposite sides of our bedroom door, both staring intently at the crack and sniffing. Very amusing. Yes, i still fully believe they'll end up as best buds, just not immediately. Pictures coming soon, i PROMISE.

text messages in my phone

(from various people, all accurately transcribed)

Boy- they sure do take that prolife thing seriously, huh?

Ok- VAR important question: do you know got kicked off on So You Think You Can Dance on Thursday?

What? What's this feeling? Is this fuzzy sensation in my heart actually a growing affection for Kirsten Dunst?

i'm married and no one wants to talk to me anymore.

Its 104 degrees out and raining.... I have it here.

Yeah, if I were his roommate I'd sleep with a knife under my pillow just to be on the safe side.

I miss my twentysomething girl squad already.

I havent seen it all yet, but Michael + nasri = muthaf**kin awesomeness! Also, i bow down to Laura.

Do you have your apron and barefeet ready?

Alright. i'm inma finish the nintendo level im on then ill be there. Haha.

The wha?

DAVID IS TRYING TO SELL THE SPACE HEATER I LENT HIM! FOR FIFTEEN BUCKS!

life is a highway companion

(from Entertainment Weekly) ...For most of its length, Highway Companion is not just a return to square one — it's also a true return to form. Grade: A-

(Rolling Stone) In a career that has now reached its thirtieth year, Tom Petty has never made a bad album. ...The man's consistency is pretty astounding. Highway Companion not only keeps his winning streak intact, it even rates above average by these standards. Grade: 4/5 stars

i know what you're thinking! 'Gee, if only i have a good reason to buy Kallie the new Tom Petty album and thereby prevent her from a life of crime.' i will do you the great favor of reminding you that
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 13 DAYS.

How To Hug A Baby (if you're a giant dog)

ATTENTION ALL DOGS!!! THE FOLLOWING ARE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERY DOG TO KNOW:
Instructions for properly hugging a baby
1. First, spy a baby.







2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.







3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process. **Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the "paw slide" easier.







4. The "paw slide" -Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.







5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.







Dogs, if this is properly done, it will secure you a warm, dry, climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life. Good luck to all of you!

bunnies yawning

"You see, the yawn takes about two seconds, and then it is over. Therefore, bunny yawn pictures are extremely rare."

It's time.

My birthday month has begun!

Movie Review

Miami Vice
Colin Farrel, Jaime Foxx
directed by Michael Mann

Not good. i know....i should've known better. i've heard the rumors of it's suckiness, i've read articles about the many problems with its creation..... but i still thought it would have something to offer. Nada. All i gained from my $9.50 and 2 hours was "Hey, i didn't know Jaime Foxx had freckles!"
It followed the Action Movie Formula to the letter. Gratuitous sex, fast cars, graphic violence, minimal character development, you name it. Snooze. Yet calling it an 'action movie' would be giving it way too much credit. There was very little action at all. Well, besides the aforementioned 'romantic' action designed to make me, the female movie-goer more comfortable with the movie and able to identify with the characters. (Somehow, their getting it on in the back of a limo while negotiating a drug deal didn't really speak to my comfort or identity.) One big shoot-out scene at the end is all the action supplied, which begs the question: is it really action if they're all hiding in their respective holes and arbitrarily firing weapons? No chases, no fights, no running. This movie was a whole lotta nothing, except millions of dollars being flushy-flushed away.
i expected some level of 'buddy cop' dynamic between the two stars, but it was absent from the script in general, and they didn't seem in any mood to make one up. Jaime Foxx just hangs out and collects a paycheck, Colin Farrel tries this gritty cop voice thing, which makes it harder to understand him than it already is, and Gong Li plays a Spanish-speaking Chinese drug lord named Isabella (yes, you read that right) so i didn't get a word she said either. Add the fact that she and Colin Farrel have the most dialogue, and you're pretty much stuck reading lips. Except the darn camera is always on someone or something OTHER than the person talking! 'Edgy' editing made this movie more confusing than it already was, which is saying alot. i felt like i was watching an un-funny inside joke that everyone was too cool to let me in on. Note to film makers: you gotta let the viewers in on the joke. They PAID you to let them in on the joke.
i could go on, but i already spent too much time and money on this turkey. 1 out of 5 mojitos. (and how dare you involve the precious mojito in your devious doings, Michael Mann!)

my arms hurt

For those of you who don't know, we moved this past weekend. Not far, just to the other side of Elk Grove, out of our 1-bedroom apartment and into the master bedroom of a 4-bdrm house we share with our friends John and Brandon. Our new room is pretty much the size of the old apartment and has TWO walk-in closets! (oh, the love!) Cosmo is still figuring it all out, and he's pretty annoyed that he has to wear a collar now. Who knew he was such a nudist? Next week the house's rightful owner, Kahlua the Rottweiler, comes back from her summer break in Chico, so we'll see how that goes. Place your bets now! i have $5 on them being best friends. There's still much unpacking to do and we need to get the apartment tidied up for its new occupants by Thursday, but it's been going well. Learning Experience 1 of many to come: don't let your 3 male roommates pick the movie without consulting you (Miami Vice: NOT GOOD). We'll post pics when we unearth the camera.

Weddings 3 and 4

Yes, the blessed day has come, we are FINISHED with weddings. Currently, there are none planned for the fall or winter circuit, so we can begin to reacquaint ourselves with what Elk Grove actually looks like on a Saturday.

Wedding 3: Jeff and Kate (White) Unfried
Very similar to the nuptials of Jeff and Erin (White) Kane, and just over a year later. Now, i love my Jeffs and i know they're super guys, but i also know them as the bozo roommates of my college boyfriend. So when they marry smart, fun, gorgeous girls like these, i scratch my head in bewilderment. i'm sure they do too.
i sat by myself at this wedding because Josh was a groomsman, but i was not too lonely because i was surrounded by Nazarenes, NorCalians, and some divine combinations of the two. The reception was held in the orchard (i believe it was walnuts, Grandad) and featured yummy tri-tip, cakes and pies from all persuasions, and some hilarious hijinks on the microphone. We don't have any pics b/c David wasn't there and we stink at remembering to take pictures of important events. So after another wonderful White Ranch wedding, Jeff and Kate sped off into the Yuba City sunset on their way to Jamaica. Perhaps they'll run into...

Wedding 4: Jeff and Meredith (Carrol) Purganan
This wedding was hot. It was held outside during one of San Jose's hottest weekends EVER. And the groomsmen wore all black. Fortunately, we weren't groomsmen. i was a water girl who very quickly got promoted to d.j.. "Oh but Kallie," you say, "You're not a d.j., have no experience with d.j. machinery, and are not widely celebrated for your taste in music!" EXACTLY. But the professional person hired for the occasion did not appear, so the responsibility for rocking fell to me and my lovely bearded assistant, Josh. We made it work. We had some emergency shuffling time and a sympathetic army of helpers, so we pulled it off using our own measly collection of cds, David's laptop, and Kaz's ipod. Unfortunately, many guests confused me for an actual d.j. (it must've been the hair) and began making requests i could in no way accomodate. i'll say this though, i've never seen people get so excited for 'Cotton Eye Joe'.
This wedding was held at a museum/club/park thing. It was very pretty with lots of tall trees. Winter and i decided that the color combo, black and pale pink, worked very well. We missed most of the ceremony because we were running around dealing with music issues, but i hear it was lovely. The table assignments for the reception found Josh and i sitting with Dr. Sam Powell (whose class i did not exactly excel in), Sac District Superindent Steve Scott, the Reverend Tim Hall, who performed the ceremony (he says 'Hi Bakers!'), and future Nazarene big-wig, Tim Gaines. Thanks alot Jeff. You're hilarious. Let's just say abject fear kept me from partaking of any wine or champagne in their presence and i ate most of my meal behind the sound board. Overall, it was a great party and we managed to slip a cool, group-effort mix cd into their honeymoon luggage before they too jetted off to Jamaica. You can check out Steve Potter's pix here.

So. No more weddings for a while. Bonnie's is the only one on the docket for next summer, but we've done 3-5 every summer since 2002, so i doubt it'll stay that way. (Bonnie and Andy: if no one gets engaged soon, it's likely all of my friends will crash your wedding to stave off withdrawals.) Best wishes to all of this summer's newlyweds, may your first years be as hilarious, educational, and delightful as ours have been.

What's this 'productivity' you speak of?

i LOVE this game! Pedulumeca
i'm really bad at it, but i. can't. stop. It's so swingy!

Book Review! (i do occasionally break away from the screen)

Mystic River
by Dennis Lehane (not to be confused with the LeHaye goon writing the 'Left Behind' books)

Danielle introduced me to Beers Books, a cool used bookstore near my office, and while escaping my boss one day i came across Lehane's book. i would never have given it a 2nd glance if it weren't for the masterful film version directed by Clint Eastwood. So, since the book was only $1.75, i bought it.
Oh my goodness. This book is so good! And i even knew the twisty ending already! It is in serious contention for a place in my lists of Bests and Favorites. A quick plot summary: three boys (Dave, Sean and Jimmy) are friends in the low-income outskirts of Boston. One day they're messing around in the streets when a car pulls up and two men take Dave away. Four days later Dave escapes from what was obviously a sexually abusive situation, but it's never discussed. The boys drift apart. Fast forward: Jimmy's 19-year old daughter is brutally murdered, Sean is the investigating detective, and Dave becomes a suspect. All the old demons come out.
Maybe i was partial to the book b/c the movie was so good, but based on its great reviews by others, i doubt it. Everything is so clear, even the knobbiness of Dave's bent mind. Every character: the 3 men, their wives, even peripheral characters, are so unique it's amazing that Lehane could be so dead on so many times in one book. And you don't have to know Boston to get that Lehane has its nuances down to a T. i was most impressed with how he sculpted Celeste, Dave's wife. A great depiction of how a person can become haunted by someone else's demons and not even know why or how. Annabeth is vicious (like a fox), a perfect balance to the dormant-too-long volcano that is Jimmy. Dave is SO complicated, but Lehane unfolds him slowly enough that it never overloads the reader, it just overloads Dave (which is the point). Sean is trapped in such a bizarre situation, while dealing with his own woes via phone 'coversations' with his silent wife, but manages to keep just enough of his cop's edge in the midst of the chaos to give Jimmy a run for his money and break poor Dave down a bit more. Jimmy is profoundly confused in his grief, and it's very powerful. i wish i could explain more, but doing so would give too much plot away. i feel it's necessary to point out that this is not a feel-good book, FYI. Don't say i didn't warn you.
If you've seen the movie, know that it stayed very true to the book and was probably the best book-to-film adaptation i've ever seen, but it still missed SO much, just b/c that's how it goes. If you haven't seen the movie, you should, whether you read this book or not. For me, having seen the movie first helped, but only b/c it was so well done. i don't usually recommend starting with the movie. Sean Penn and Tim Robbins both won Oscars for their portrayals of Jimmy and Dave, respectively, so having their great performances in mind, and the Boston accents, helped give the book more life, by no fault of Lehane's. Anyway, the book rocks, the movie rocks, i can loan you both. 10 out of 10 'Who do you love?'s.

Feed Roseville!

from Money magazine...

Skinniest
Here are the cities where residents have the lowest average body mass index.
(Rank, City, Body mass index)
1 Roseville, CA 24.5
2 San Francisco, CA 24.8
3 Houston, TX 24.8

funny headline alert

Butt Inquiry Kicks Off

The NY Times figures out what we knew all along.

"Redding, Calif., is hot, friendly and busy. Two hours north of Sacramento, Redding was once considered just another Podunk, notable for its highway sprawl and a sea of outlet malls. But in the last seven years the city, which has 87,000 residents, has remade itself and is becoming a destination.
...You could while away your morning by lounging on big comfy pink, purple and green sofas, checking your e-mail messages and playing Connect Four and Boggle at Yaks Koffee Shop." (where you can also take in a Jen Russell original or two)

>>Read the complete article

Meryl Streep Wears the Devil...

...if the Devil is lucky.

i just saw The Devil Wears Prada, and instead of reviewing it, i'll just say that if Meryl Streep knocked on my door tomorrow and said 'Kallie, please give me all of your vital organs immediately,' i'd say 'Yes Ms. Streep, thank you.' There's a reason she's the most nominated actor ever in Oscar history. She just plain rocks.

Movie Review

Fun With Dick & Jane
Jim Carrey, Tea Leoni

We were in the mood for something easy and fun so we rented this little gem. Basic premise: Dick gets a promotion so Jane quits her thankless job, then Dick immediately loses his job when his company experiences an Enron-esque collapse (at the hands of Alec Baldwin, who too often gets stuck playing the smarmy boss). Months go by, their lawn is repossessed, they've sold everything they could, drive a joke of a car, and they're at their wits end. Thus: armed robbery, with increasingly creative costumes. (The arms in question are squirtguns that just look like handguns.) What's especially good is that the breaking point for Dick is not the foreclosure of his home, it's his wife saying he just doesn't have 'bad ass' in him. Anyone who is married knows why that's so right on.
It's pretty dang funny. Alot of physical hilarity and clever stuff like their grade school son speaking Spanglish as a result of spending more time with the housekeeper than his parents. At one point, Dick gets deported to Mexico and Jane comes to rescue him and pack his 12 new immigrant friends into the little clunker clown car. It's good stuff. The reason this movie works is because the chemistry between Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni is great. They acheive that vibe of people who are married and are truly amused by their spouse in an affectionate way. i think 'a lifetime of hilarity' should be included in wedding vows.
Richard Jenkins is great as the indicted CFO, Alec Baldwin, of course, is great (but seriously folks, let's give the man a challenge), Tea Leoni is incredibly likeable, albeit too thin, and Jim Carrey i just love in general. There were a few too many Carrey-esque, Ace Ventura throwback moments, but for the most part it worked. All-around fun flick, good to watch with the parents or when you're in the mood for silliness without the toilet humor. 5 out of 5 muddy handprints.

Mystery

So far, there are only two things Cosmo will react to when they are on the tv: the Foo Fighters, and polar bears. When they're onscreen he's all ears and pawing at the buttons. Why these two groups? Probably for the same reasonless reason he loves pineapple but hates tuna. What cat snubs free tuna but will snatch the pineapple chunk right off your fork?? Figures it would be ours.

Wedding #2

The Marraige of Josh Herms and Ashley Morrow

So it was back to San Diego for the last of my roommates to pledge holy matrimony unto a lucky boy. The bachelorette party included mud baths (fun: 10, health benefits: 0) and cowboy karaoke with some suspicious characters (fun: 10, health benefits: -8) followed by some quality late night catching-up with Erin, the only other person who goes to as many weddings as we do. Friday meant i finally got my requisite California burrito and was officially introduced to my new BFF, Lizzie Alexander. She is very cute and very small ("Like a tiny Nerf football with a bobble head" according to Josh) and pink and soft. i actually held her for like 3 whole minutes before she started to cry! it's a record! Lizzie likes flying cross-country, hanging out naked on the coffee table, and dancing with David. In her spare time, she conducts symphonies.
At the wedding rehearsal, i learned how to stand on a sticker and hold imaginary flowers, then it was off to the Harbor House for delicious steak whilst baby ducks floated around outside and Mark the waiter-gunning-for-an-Oscar worked the room. Back to Poway for reruns of 'So You Think You Can Dance' with Whit and Winter and sleeping in a Jewish bunkbed. Good times.
Saturday proved that what can go wrong for a bride, will. But it also proved that when you have a bridal party full of pros, you can accomplish anything. There was a minor emergency with the centerpieces, and whoever decided padded tables was a good idea needs to have their fingers chewed off by a pack of rabid yorkies. Nevertheless, we made it work, and nearly got Whit's car chopped in half by a train-track guard thingy in the process. In getting ready for our close-up, Erin found someone else's eyelash in her eye and i ate a whole box of Cheezits.
Then it was ceremony time! We walked down the aisle to Joe Cocker's "Help From My Friends", and Ash and her cowboy-booted dad coming down the aisle made Herms, and then everyone else, pretty teary. Pastor Storrer told it like it is and Molly Jenson and Greg Laswell offered a beautiful, new-ish rendition of 'Amazing Grace' that seemed like they made up on the spot. (it must be nice to have a bunch of professional musicians as buds) It was a very perfect ceremony. Tears all around.
The reception featured my first DRB performance in years, which nearly brought more tears. Ashley performed a beautiful hula for her families (more tears) and i got to eat twice-baked potatos. A hilarious 'mockumentary' reminded everyone (not that we needed it) just how much we adore Ash and Herms and how much they adore each other. FANTASTIC cake and spiffy dancing, especially by Deven Carter, marked the rest of the evening, until we finally bid goodbye to the happy couple and headed back to Poway.
We said goodnight to Lizzie and her fan club and hopped in the spa til 3am, then got up at 6 in order to meet Rachel and Jason2 at Mission Bay for some oceanic wakeboarding. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. We had MUCHO fun! Winter and i abstained from actually boarding, but we rocked the flag and decided we could totally open our own wakeboarding school, based solely on our ability to grade the performances of others. i learned that i've been eating wax all my life and will heretofore buy my apples out of the organic bin (thanks Rach!) i also learned alot about the liver. It was a momentous day because, folks, i got my hair into a ponytail! it wasn't pretty, it wasn't long, but it was a ponytail! (and no, i'm not going bald, that's bedhead.) Breakfast was a godsend, followed by an inspirational-albeit-depressing trip to West Elm with J and Winter and a pick-a-nick on campus with the Kanes, Potter, Friberg and other people with no first names. i also met a dog named Fletcher!
So that was the weekend. Thanks to Herms and Ash for throwing such a great party and giving us a reason to come down, Whit and TanTan and the Kanes for housing us as usual, Rach and J2 for the aquatic delights, Dave for the Davidy and Winter and J1 for Niemyness.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a MOVIE REVIEW!!

Superman Returneth
Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Parker Posey, and Kate 'Skeletor' Bosworth

We don't make it a habit to see 3-hour movies at 10pm on a school night, but when Marlon Brando beckons from beyond the grave, you'd better answer. Plus, i trust director Bryan Singer, and he did not let me down.
Brandon Routh didn't pique my interest in any of the trailers, but he was REALLY good, playing Clark and Superman just differently enough to make it interesting... and he's a total hottie once he gets going. :P The ever-present forehead curl was a little distracting, but then i realized that i kept wanting to fix it for him (aka 'stroke his beautiful face'), and that was probably the point. He was vintage Superman, all man of steel and truth and justice, and a spot-on Clark Kent: nerdy, tortured, clever. i was impressed.
Kevin Spacey is a fantastic Lex Luthor, no surprise there, and Parker Posey as his ... girlfriend? assistant? sister? barber?, Kitty Kowalski, is nothing short of inspired. i laughed at everything she said and did; anyone else in the role would have been utterly forgettable. Plus she wins for best wardrobe. And Kate Bosworth. *sigh*. i almost got up in the middle of the movie, called every Round Table and In-N-Out in Beverly Hills and had 80 pounds of food delivered to her. Or i could've told Round Table to hire her as a cheese grater, that's how bony this girl is. It was very distracting. i get that Superman is supposed to whisk her around like the big, strong man he is, but he does enough heavy lifting to communicate that; she didn't need to be all of 75 pounds and nearly swimming in every costume. Speaking of swimming, we're supposed to believe she can dive into a stormy ocean wearing a ball gown and pull a sinking, 225lb Superman to the surface? This girl looks like she can barely hold up her purse! Performance-wise, she wasn't bad. i dunno. James Marsden is good as Lois's fiance Richard, the great guy who is everything, including heroic and easy on the eyes..... except he's just. not. Superman. And the little boy, who happens to be 5 years old (gee, didn't Lois and Superman boogie down right before he left 5 years ago? interesting...) is actually a good little actor with a good storyline. And you know i'm not a fan of children in general, much less monkeying up otherwise good movies, but it was done well.
SO. A great, nay, SUPER! movie-going experience. The only downfalls are the way-too-long running time and Bosworth's physical presence....or lack thereof. 4.5 out of 5 red underpantses.

camp, the non-denominational way

Continuing in the grand old tradition of Summer, i was at camp last week. (Not Nazarene camp... they finally figured out i was having my ordained friends fake my 'pastor's recommendation' and that i wasn't actually attending a Nazarene church)
i was in Coloma, on the American Rio, heretofore referred to as Surface Of The Sun 2.0., driving trailer-load after trailer-load of amped youngsters to the river every afternoon. Van-loads too, but we also snuck (too) many into the trailer to hang on for dear life with their tubes. Take that, Fuzz! i was also supervising late night pay-phone calls to boyfriends, steering clear of nightly farting contests in the girls' tent, (girls have changed since i was one) and teaching city kids that 'Camping means you don't need a mirror to brush your teeth.' And they had their hands full with me, because i'm used to much more organization, programming, and a staff room stocked with yummies. Poor dears had to keep hearing 'Well, at Nazarene camp..." By the end of the week, though, more than one tradition-less student (of the same tradition-less persuasion that once asked me what a hymnal was) said 'The Nazarene church actually sounds pretty cool.' Well duh! What part of Phineas F. Bresee didn't strike you as 'cool' before??
Anyway, it was a good time. And after some harassing and bribing, i was able to get the boys from our church to name me as 'Hottest Counselor,' which of course was my whole reason for being there in the first place. That and serving Jebus or something. This weekend......another wedding!!

Movie Review

The Omen
Starring Liev Schrieber, Julia Stiles, and Mia Farrow

You're thinking: 'Um, WHY???' and it wasn't my first choice of activities on a nice Wednesday evening, but i had to mystery shop the movie theater where it was playing and it was either this or R.V. So.
No mystery about the plot here: the Thornes unwittingly adopt the spawn of Satan, borne of a jackal, after their child 'dies' in delivery. Five years later: crazy/scary shizzle hits the proverbial fan, Armageddon close behind.
i can handle, and even revel in, all the creepy thrillers thrown my way, provided the antagonists are humans do human things. Love the Hannibal Lecters, hate the Damien Thornes. i expected this movie to mess me up big time, but i was spared from too many disturbing images of devils and the like. Mostly because i'm an expert at watching through my fingers. Not to say i didn't let out a scream or two or decide to never own a black dog- at one point i screamed and jumped so suddenly and violently i actually came out of my shoe!
Anyway, i decided that at least a film like this would be interestingly shot, costumed, and acted, so it might be worth it. Lots of contrasting red and white and subtle and not-so-subtle religious symbolism, costumed to be relatively timeless. The acting was a little bit of a let down: Liev Schreiber delivered as usual, but Julia Stiles ... i dunno. She's never struck me as a particularly good actress. She has an interesting face, so she holds your attention, but her delivery is never natural enough. i think it really showed in this movie because she was surrounded by compelling actors like Schreiber and Mia Farrow. Speaking of Satan's original baby mama, she was WAY underused here. She rocked. Damien, played by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick (i wonder if he's Irish) had maybe 3 lines total, so all he got to do was utilize the creepy 'dark-haired-kid-with-light-blue-eyes' staring thing for two hours. Not scary enough. The pbj scene, however, FREAK. Y. And the scooter: vaguely reminiscent of the tricycle in The Shining, so props for that. Oh yeah, and David Thewlis is good as the doomed reporter.
Overall, i'd say it was interesting, and while i'm glad i'm not going to be shivering in the fetal position all night long (speaking of The Shining...) i'm kinda bummed it wasn't scarier. Worth a look, and it stays very true to the original. 3.5 out 5 crazy nannies.

The (temporary) return of the Top 5

Top 5 Wedding Memories

The Photo Booth: Good, Clean, Black and White Fun, courtesy of Whitney & Tannan
Well, clean might be a misnomer, but any(free)thing that lets us revel in our good looks and boundless creativity for 3 hours is a-okay. i think one or two creations actually made it into the guest book where they belonged.

‘Why Are U-Turns Illegal Throughout The State Of Oregon?’, courtesy of Katie & Bobby
The missions were simple: pick up this, drop off that, etc. But we had to manuever the city, Frogger-like, going from point A to point B via point W.5 just because some granola-breath didn't feel like coming up with more than, oh say, 9 street names for the entire city. So why was it so fun?! because it HAD TO BE!

Homemade Hard Cider On An Empty Stomach, courtesy of Winter & Jason
One of the first weddings to be spirit-filled, the Nazarenes were exposed to a whole new denomination of celebration. Major losses for Phineas's team were recorded while Mr. Luther made significant gains.

If The Alumni House Is Rocking…. Don’t Use The Bathroom b/c It’s Probably Salmonella, courtesy of Rachel & Jason2
Oh Cheryl Smee, if you only knew the debauchery that (almost) went on under your roof! Good times are always had when you put too many of us in small quarters for the night, and this was no exception. Dietary mishaps and fears of Madame Tingley aside, it rocked.

It’s In Yuba City, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?, courtesy of Erin & Kane
How about Vicodin, car wrecks, facial viruses, girls armed to the teeth with 9-irons, and an Appletini mix that lurked in the back of my fridge for 8 months? All the more reason for Fun to triumph over Adversity!

Further evidence in the case against chihuahuas...

...they attract weirdos. (notable and sole exception: Tiger Tanaka) Case in point:

Angry owner uses dead puppy as a weapon
A woman angry that her new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog breeder’s home and repeatedly hit her on the head with the dead Chihuahua, authorities said.
The 33-year-old woman told police she had taken the puppy to a veterinarian, who said it was only 4 weeks old and needed to be returned to its mother. But before she could return the puppy, it died.
Early Wednesday, the woman went to the breeder’s home, pushed her way inside and began fighting with the breeder as she tried to make her way to the basement to get another puppy, police said.
The breeder wrestled the woman out of her house to the front porch, where the woman then hit the breeder over the head numerous times with the dead puppy, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported, citing police.
As the woman drove away, she waved the dead puppy out of the car’s sunroof and yelled threats at the breeder, police said. She later called the breeder and threatened her and her family, according to court records.
Police said they are considering felony burglary charges against woman and misdemeanor assault charges.

Lock and Load

i was recently turned on to Boston Legal (starring James Spader, William Shatner, & Candice Bergen) and now i can't get enough of it. i thought i would be a legal drama that was occasionally funny, but i discovered it's actually a completely absurd comedy that is occasionally a legal drama. i watch alot of funny stuff, but this has its own place in the echelon of hilarity, because it's the kind of 'one-liner' funny that catches you totally off guard and makes you blurt out a loud laugh several times per episode. 99% of the humor comes from Alan (Spader) and Denny (Shatner) who bring new meaning to the terms 'deadpan' and 'eccentric'. I.e., one episode fades out with the two of them sitting on a balcony with lit cigars sticking out of their ears: Denny: 'We look good together.' Alan: 'Yes we do.'
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Denny: How can you ban red meat?
Client: Well, they've got a whole campaign. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians. I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
Shirley: The word is "muster," Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
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Alan: [to his girlfriend, in a bar] Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up. [notices Joe] Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds.
Joe: You got a problem?
Alan: No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate.
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Alan: [to Laurie, after she catches him making out w/Sally in the library] Laurie, you disapprove of me. That warms my cockles!
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The reaction shots of the rest of the cast is half the fun, and Denny spends the majority of his time in court sleeping. Sometimes they even acknowledge they're a tv show (even though it's not a reality show). Denny once asked someone, 'TiVo me, will ya?' and Alan has said 'Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.' Cracks. Me. Up. This show rocks, i love it, and you should too. i think they're on summer hiatus or showing reruns, so go to Blockbuster and rent the first season.

Celebrity babies? YAWN.

Here's your million dollar pic: Miss Lizzie Alexander

Gramaphones, photobooths, pot, oh my!

The wedding of Whitney and Tannan (Whitnan? Tanney?) began last Wednesday and included a casino night (i'm really good at roulette), shrimp, a bouquet full of m&ms, So You Think You Can Dance, southern accents, mutants, ripped pants, a dog wearing a hat, and hippies.

The play-by-play:
The bridal party sang Little Mermaid songs to keep Whit from crying (happy tears) during the photo shoot. A boy with pink hair served tiny pizzas covered in feta during the cocktail hour. Josh was in charge of the processional and has since sworn off all gramaphones for the rest of his life. The guests rose to the challenge of lighting candles in the wind (which i hear is no way to live your life.) i was a very dutiful and attentive bridesmaid. A car alarm and competing donkey marked the kiss and pronouncement. The reception in the tent was gorgeous. We got seriously sidetracked by the guest book photobooth. The best man toasted with a sword. On the way to the bathroom: saw an uncle rolling a joint. On the way back: saw uncle smoking joint. Bride and Groom: amused, not surprised. Dance, dance, dance. Fun, fun, fun. Hogged the photo booth some more. Got some milk and cookies and drove home.
A good time was had by all and Whitney and Tannan seemed to have the most fun,which is the point, right? i stole these pics from David, you can see many more of his shots here. You can also go to the professional photographer's site and view her stuff if you set up an account and use the key word, Whitney.

oh happy day

Matt, Brenda and Wahoo Alexander have welcomed baby Elizabeth (aka Li'l Party) 7 lbs, 7 oz. Ten fingers, ten toes, and a dozen 'aunts' and 'uncles' ready to spoil the pants off her!

Does this make us all grownups??

Josh and Kallie Chicago Trip

Awesome!


City scape...


Sidewalk...


Museum of Contemporary Art...


What luck...


Contemporary Art...


Comtemporary Art...


From our Hotel Window...


Bridge Down...


Imperial Park Theater...


Big Bubble...


Fountain...