Oh, it's a "belt bag"? Well in that case!!

Dear Target,

Here is a list of things you could call this FANNY PACK and we, the consumers who are actually not as stupid as you think we are, would still know it is a FANNY PACK and therefore not purchase it.

BUTT LUGGAGE
POSTERIOR PARCEL
WAIST BALE
HIPSTER HIPSTUFF
FREE CANDY
PET PONY
CHANGE/HOPE/ETC

Sincerely,

THE ENTIRE BUYING WORLD