DO IT

Today is Election Day, for those of you living unaware in The Bubble. You can find the nearest polling place HERE and please, if anything, vote Yes on 73.

Movie Review: Chicken Little

Starring Zach Braff as Chicken Little, who is the embarrassment of Oakey Oaks after his claim of falling sky. Tons of quality funny folk featured, including Joan Cusack, Don Knotts, and Steve Zahn as Runt, who was actually quite large. (i'm not used to Steve Zahn being the biggest guy on the screen so it was a kinda strange to wrap my head around it) i love Joan Cusack and was really looking forward to her part, but she wasn't given much to work with at all, so that was a little disappointing. The gang has the standard Silent Sidekick, in this case it's Fish Out Of Water, who is actually pretty funny. He does The Robot as a dodgeball technique :] Zach Braff does a great job, as does Batman Himself: Adam West.

It was a fun movie, but not as fun as Pixar counterparts usually are. The moral of the story for the kids is 'You can easily be misunderstood and become the embarrassment of your entire town and most painfully, your own father, and unless aliens violently invade the planet there's nothing you can do about it.' Maybe the moral is 'Don't be mean to misunderstood kids', but i'm guessing more children walked out of the theater worried about being shunned than eager to hang out with any Ugly Ducklings.

Overall, it was a good movie to see in the theaters, but only for the matinee price. 3 out of 5 Fred Willard Aliens.

TOP 10 OVER & UNDER RATED ACTORS

(inspired by Winter, who is underrated)
Okay- skipping over the obviously overrated (Cameron, Tom, you listening?), here are my picks for the people that just aren't worth their bajillion dollar paychecks, along with the people who need either an Oscar, more roles, or both.

SO OVER.......................... WAY UNDER
Russel Crowe..................... Kevin Bacon
Ewan MacGregor ................Sam Rockwell
Denzel Washington............. Cillian Murphy
Tobey Maguire.................... John Leguizamo
Jeremy Piven...................... Alec Baldwin
Angelina Jolie..................... Marcia Gay Harden
Kate Hudson....................... Alison Lohman
Renee Zellweger.................. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Drew Barrymore................... Thandie Newton
Teri Hatcher......................... Catherine Keener

Daily Scream?

i discovered this through Charlie (who needs a cloak...). Put your name into Google followed by the word needs. It has to be in double quotes, ie "Kallie needs" Here's what i need, let me know what you need!
-Kallie needs to go to a veterinary office for X rays or an ultrasound
-Kallie just needs some time to show off her true qualities (and there are many) parentheses NOT mine!
-Kallie needs to be on Babe Blvd
-Kallie needs all of her family members for the rest of her life
-Kallie needs sleep now
-Kallie needs surgery to save her life
-Kallie needs moving asap
-Kallie needs some professional help – from a Dog trainer
-Kallie needs lots of affection and attention
-Kallie needs her daily scream

The Great Pumpkin Show Off

Frankenpumpkin by Josh, Drooling Gourd by Travis, October Zen by Kallie

The gallery of entries at my parents' party.

Trick or Treat Food Court

Whilst millions of people dressed up in awkward contraptions of spook and millions more ignored said celebrants and pretended to not hear the doorbell or the sound of breaking eggshells, i became the most productive person in the country. i thought to myself, 'Kalpal, you gorgeous example of all things nifty, there probably won't be very many people at the mall tonight if you want to get some early Christmas shopping done.' And there weren't and i DID. i actually wiped out an entire family worth of gifts and nabbed some birthday presents in the process.

The mall was deserted of shoppers, but, disturbingly, was populated by too many parents taking their kids trick-or-treating from store to store. Now i don't know about you, but isn't the fun of trick-or-treating going from spooky stranger's house, to spooky stranger's house and forcing them for one night out of the year to acknowledge that you exist, you're adorable, and you deserve all the sugar they have? Why go to a well lit, hardly decorated mall and get a mouse pad from the Discovery Channel store after they've run out of candy? (true story. Saddest thing in the world is watching a 6 yr old boy dressed as Spidey get a lame mouse pad when he wanted a fistful of Gobstoppers. You can bet he won't allow his parents to take him Mall-or-Treating next year) Maybe this indoor Halloween stuff has been going on for years and i haven't noticed, but i think it's DUMB. It wasn't even a cold night outside! AND i was in Roseville, so it's not like these 200 families dragging their costumed kids through the Eddie Bauer store on their way to Forever 21 couldn't find a decent neighborhood to tromp through. i'm pretty sure the w.a.s.p.s that make up the Roseville and Rocklin city councils have all ensured that all 967 subdivisions, condo and apartment complexes are identically attractive.

Is the pervasion of capitalism to blame that now we spend holidays in shopping malls? Perhaps, but who am i to say? i was shopping.

TOP 5 IDEAL JOBS

These are my Top 5 Dream Jobs, which means that i'd rather work these than not have to work!

Host of Jeopardy
Audio Book Reader
Assembly Line Worker at a Stuffed Animal Factory
Librarian
Dog Show Judge

Conclusion: nerd

Tony Danza, Brendan Fraser, and Ludacris?!

Movie review: Crash

This movie is NUTS! There's a huge cast and all sorts of overlapping storylines (think Traffic) focused on the collision of races in Los Angeles. It's about who you think you are, who others think you are, and the intersecting of those perceptions. Don Cheadle delivers as usual, as does Sandra Bullock, who for once plays an unlikeable character. Actually everyone delivers in this cast, there were no weak links, even the really minor characters were memorable (Tony Danza, if you can believe it).

The standouts were Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton. Dillon plays a racist cop dealing w/a crappy situation at home and taking it out on any black person he sees. He's a total a-hole and plunges the depths of ick when he molests Thandie Newton's character on a traffic stop. Newton plays a wealthy black woman living in the aftermath of the incident and its effect on her marriage. Later, Dillon responds to a traffic accident where Newton is trapped in a soon-to-combust car. She FREAKS when she sees him (as well she should) and he has to come to grips with what he did to her and save her life all at once. i don't think i breathed, blinked, or had a heartbeat thru the whole scene. And my mouth was hanging open. The two of them are flawless and it's crazy-powerful. Dillon's performance reminds me of Ed Norton in American History X, playing such an incredibly hateful character and yet allowing a turnaround that makes you hope for him, if not sympathize. Newton deftly plays the gamut- drunk snob, Dillon's victim, angry wife, repentant, and straight raw fear.

And that was just one story line among many! There were more points of breathless pure shock and hanging-open mouths, but i won't give them away. The movie ends with some story lines resolved and others wide open or hopeless, but thanks to Terrence Howard and Ludacris (yes, Ludacris!), you feel at least some peace. Thus- i highly recommend renting this movie: 5 out of 5 heartbeats.

If By Shoes You Mean UNDERPANTS!

Movie Review: "In Her Shoes"

On the surface, this movie is about sisters who love to hate each other. If Toni Collette were not in it, i wouldn't have given it a second glance. But, i trust her, so i went and saw it with Danielle. Thankfully, it was more than just a bickering-sisters chick flick, w/a really good love story mixed in for Toni's character, Rose. It's about a family coming to terms w/a suicide and everything else is a direct or indirect result of that incident. Relative unknown Mark Feuerstein is flawless as Simon Stein, the coworker and foodie that pursues Rose with such confidence and tenderness that i now have a huge crush on him. Toni, of course, is fantastic, as is Shirley MacLaine, who never does what i expect her to do and always brings such honest nobility to her roles.
Cameron Diaz is Rose's slutty sister Maggie, who does the ultimate betrayal (as in, 'oh no she di-nt!') as further proof of how screwed up she is. Cameron Diaz rarely surprises me, and this was no exception. She's niether bad nor good in this movie, but whatever shortcomings she had as an actress, the director attempted to make up for in the amount of camera time devoted to her butt and legs. Seriously. No one needed to be convinced that Maggie is the 'hot sister,' and tho i expected gratutious Cameron-in-her-underwear shots in the beginning to establish character, i didn't need 90 minutes of deliberate shots of her butt in a bikini, in a thong, in shorts, in a mini skirt, in scrubs, etc. to convince me that i'm flabby and pale and she's not. The movie should've been called 'In Her Underwear.'
Nevertheless, it was worth my $9.50, mostly because of Toni, Mark and Shirley, and excellent use of these poems by e e cummings and Elizabeth Bishop. i give it 4 out of 5 butt shots.

Superhero

If i had special powers i'd be selfish,
and make the ground always
warm beneath my feet, like sun-toasted sand.
If you were walking next to me,
you'd have warm-ground too,
that's as far as i'd go
with my gift: my side,
within arm's reach.
i'd have all the world.

Throw Down Your Heads

"Mr. Incredible and Elmo said they were taken into custody at gunpoint and driven in handcuffs by police car to the front of the Kodak Theatre. There they claim they were paraded on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before shocked tourists and other boulevard impersonators."

Do Me A Favorite

Postmark your voter registration by TODAY so you can vote YES on Proposition 73. You can download and print the registration here and learn more about Prop. 73 here. It's all i've been working on for the past 2 months so i'll be really sad if it doesn't pass, and i'll send you cookies if you vote!

A Tiny Little Party

CONGRATS TO MATT AND BRENDA BECAUSE THEY ARE HAVING A BABY!
And they're going to name it Kallie even if it's a boy! Well, they didn't explicitly say that, but i can read between the lines. (cue Lloyd Christmas: "So you're tellin' me there's a chance!") Anyway, YAY! The next generation of labbies begins. Make way, world.

TOP 5 FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON TV

A very tough task, so i decided to restrict this list to the funniest people currently on TV (sorry Kramer). Choosing only one Bluth and one of Reno's finest was very difficult. As always, i'm open for suggestions or compliments. So, in no particular order.....

Steve Carrel, as Michael Scott in The Office
Will Arnett, as Gob Bluth in Arrested Development
Thomas Lennon, as Lt. Jim Dangle in Reno 911 ->
Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live
Seth McFarlane, Peter & Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

Honorable Mention- Rob Corddry, The Daily Show

I'll take 'Friends Who Leave The Country' for $800, Alex.

The darndest thing happened when i looked up the definition of Thailand- here's what it said:

Thai·land - (tlnd, -lnd) Formerly Si·am (s-m).
1. A country of southeast Asia on the Gulf of Thailand (formerly the Gulf of Siam), an arm of the South China Sea. Various Thai kingdoms were founded from the 13th century on, frequently coming into conflict with neighboring Burmese and Cambodian powers. Siam remained an absolute monarchy until 1932, when the king was compelled to accept a constitution, and the country was renamed Thailand in 1939. Thailand was occupied by the Japanese in World War II, and most of its numerous postwar governments were controlled by the military. Bangkok is the capital and the largest city. Population: 59,396,000.
2. The country your friends Whitney and Tannan take off for without blogging about it, or emailing you about it, thereby nullifying any sympathetic excitement you might have had about their overseas opportunity in comparison to your own boring life in suburbia.
3. The country wherefrom Kallie will receive NO trinket, gift, or souvenier, should said travellers happen to check this blog while there. :]

Reminder

"You're about as useful as a poopie flavored lollipop!" -Patches O'Houlihan

i went to my favorite lunch spot yesterday, The Beach Hut Deli (overpriced, but the ambiance and staff remind me too much of San D to stay away), which plays good movies like 'Dumb & Dumber' and 'Zoolander' on mute, w/the subtitles on. Yesterday they were playing 'Dodgeball,' so i sat by myself in a booth for an hour, staring at a silent tv, cracking up. i had to remind myself to eat! i totally forgot how funny that movie is! And not just hilarious- incredibly endearing too, b/c of all the lovable losers. And i'd forgotten that Jason Bateman is in it! i'm going to buy it on my lunch break today.

Top 10 Lyricists

Anybody can write a great single, but the following people have consistently shown a mastery of song lyricosity. i've included samples of why. There was no way i was going to limit this to 5; this was a difficult list to narrow down and to find good examples for, so arguments and/or better examples are welcome.

Elliot Smith: "Now on the bus/Nearly touching this dirty retreat/Falling out 6th and Powell a dead sweat in my teeth"

Cole Porter: "I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences/Gaze at the moon till I lose my senses/I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences/Don't fence me in."

Natalie Merchant: "Ophelia was a tempest cyclone/A goddamn hurricane/Your common sense, your best defense/Lay wasted and in vain"

John Lennon: "It's getting hard to be someone/But it all works out/It doesn't matter much to me"

Bright Eyes: "This is the first day of my life/I swear I was born right in the doorway/I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed/They're spreading blankets on the beach"

Elton John: "Jesus freaks out in the street/Handing tickets out for god/Turning back she just laughs/The boulevard is not that bad"

Death Cab for Cutie: "I strain my eyes and try/To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites/.../do they collide?" I ask and you smile./With my feet on the dash/The world doesn't matter."

Willie Nelson: "'Cause you paid the price to come too far,/ Just to wind up where you are, /And you're still just across the borderline"

Lauryn Hill: "Coursing through my senses, he's prevailing /Floating through the space of my design /Drowning me to find my inside sailing /Drinking in the mainstream of his mind"

Derren Raser: "Girls used to wear skirts long and i don't know what's gone wrong/Now they've all got legs/That seems to make them want to run away/Maybe that's why i can't get a single one to stay"

100 Years of Everyone Having The Same Friggin Name

Today i finally finished the aptly-named One Hundred Years of Solitude. While i agree that it's one of the 5 greatest novels EVER, and i understand Latin American naming traditions, i maintain that giving FIFTEEN characters (not counting the 17+ assassinated Aurelianos) the same FOUR names is just plain MEAN. i was so confused i began to use the family tree as my bookmark and thus ruined the surprises of some of the later generations' breedings.

And since i'm a literary masochist, i've begun to read The Sound and the Fury, in which 4 characters share 2 names, 1 character changes the name he used to share with his uncle, another character's name disappears from the family vocabulary, and it's all 'explained' in perspectives that have no sense of chronology!

Why do i punish myself? Because in high school i faked book reports on The Scarlet Letter, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Great Expectations, and Catch-22....among a hundred others.

Life Without Friends = Dog Shows

On Saturday evening i found myself thoroughly engrossed in Animal Planet's broadcast of the Eukanuba Tournament of Champions. Did you know it takes 5 hours to groom a Maltese for a dog show? And blood hounds and other 'scent' breeds not only have big noses for smelling, their long ears and droopy faces also function in scent detection by trapping the scent in all the skin and keeping it closer to the nose. And of course, they have short legs to keep them closer to the ground/smell. (Intelligent Design? i think the word your looking for is Freaking-Genius-Omniscient-Creator Design) My personal favorite? The puli. If you really love me you'll get me one.
Dog shows are fun. i'm a nerd.

Triple-Deluxe-Roundhouse-Axel

Today I took Kallie ice skating for the first time in her life and...like everything monumental we do...it went undocumented. You will not find any picture of Kallie the first time she cut into the ice in Roseville, CA. The ice skating trip was a great success full of sweaty palms, small children being checked into the glass, hypothermia and plenty of laughter. However, it was during the drive home that I realized how important my camera could have been today. So I have decided to take a page from the book of Jason Niemeyer. Let it be known from this day forward that I will be more camera cautious. I might as well use some of that great schooling I spent oodles on.

Top 5 Things I Wish I Were Doing This Weekend

>Going to Winter and Jason's White Trash Party and finally having the opportunity to wear that Raiders jersey and snakeprint pleather miniskirt i keep hidden in my closet

>Seeing "Good Night, and Good Luck"

>Making cookies and having Josh actually eat them

>Going bowling with Martha Stewart (my new bff) and WINNING, then getting gelato afterward

>Painting the walls of the apartment green and orange and purple

(speaking of Martha Stewart, Josh's new nickname is Flaming Meringue)

It's official: i have sclerosis of the liver.

i'm on my 2nd bloody nose of the day. Well, bloody nostril, so it's half a nose. It's a bloody 'no'. Getting 2 bloody noses in a day doesn't do anything for my hyper-supressed tendency toward hypochondria. (Once i very nearly convinced myself i had testicular cancer.) Anyway, i've managed to calm down and wonder the following: When the first human got the first random bloody nose (or 'no'), they must have totally freaked out. They had to think their brain was dissolving or something. These days we know these things just happen for no reason, (kinda like babies) so we don't freak out (note: inappropriate use of 'we'), but what if we didn't? That would suck. Or blow, since we're talking about noses. Anyway, if i'm not back in 15 minutes, Winter and Bren share guardianship of the cat.

(k)al(lie)

Weekend Schmeekend

We spent Friday afternoon thru Sunday night at the Sacramento Convention Center at the National Youth Workers Conference. It was cool, but it meant getting up at 6am Saturday and Sunday, which i believe is actually against the will of the God who loves us. We got to spend more time w/Unfried AND got to hang out w/Josh Loesche. We also ran into Dave Nichols and Scott Ritter. We heard some good speakers including Captain Fascinating: Tony Campolo. Love him or hate him, he's one wicked-smart-crazy-Italian. The best speaker was Sue Thomas, an elderly deaf woman who worked for the FBI and is pretty stinking funny, not to mention darn Christian. We got to check out some really good music from Kendall Payne, 4th Avenue Jones, and Shane&Shane. Josh's description of 4th Ave. Jones: 'The Fugees dressed as the Black Eyed Peas rocking like Linkin Park.' Plus they had a violin. Pretty cool.

We also hung out w/my parents and Aunt Cindy and family friends the Stanleys. And i can now say i've met someone named Seamus. We had a good dinner w/them at Michaelangelo's (as usual) and got to drink some Jewel wine before we went back to get our youth-working on.

This is what i think about youth pastors: They are rabbits disguised as humans. They are constantly multiplying. Perhaps this is because they are all good-looking men with cute wives, but i think it's because the wives don't want to have to hang out w/the Junior High students so they get pregnant. In any case, any time there's a population of youth pastors, there's a population of babies. BabyGap owes much to the Church.

kal
Now for the Top 5......

(Belated) Top 5 Snacks

Handfuls of Cheerios with raisins and choco-chips
Nutella-&-Raspberry-Jam-Saltine-Cracker Sandwich
Cheezits
Apple slices with peanut butter
Graham crackers dipped in Yoplait's Boston Creme Pie yogurt

Runners up: every different variety of Cheezits

Rabbits from Hats

i added 2 more poems to the page. 'War Meal' i randomly found in my car or purse or something and i have no clue when i wrote it or what i really meant by it, so interpretations are welcome. 'Sunset on the River and the City' has been floating around in my head for several weeks: i was going home from work and drove over the Sacramento River while the sun was setting and the entire Western face of downtown Sac was liquid gold and the river was crazy-pink. i'm not crazy about the title so i'm having a contest: cookies for whoever comes up with a better one. Those who refuse to publicly comment can send emails :]

k

Those crazy Gilmores

Funny line on Gilmore Girls the other day that i just now remembered. Lorelai had unexpectedly received $75,000 from an investment she didn't know she had.

L: "$75,000! That's alot of money and it's mine!"

Rory: "I guess that makes you rich."

L: "I guess so. And I find myself suddenly agreeing with everything George W. Bush has to say."

YAY FOR JER-BEAR

A big Happity Birthaday goes out to my dad, who turns 23 or 55 or something today (numbers aren't my thing). Hope it's a superiffic one Dad, see you soonish!!

kal
<- Google's idea of Jerry Baker. i think it's appropriate. :)

Top 5 DRB Songs

In honor of the alleged release of the alleged new album by the band who cried 'New Album,' here are my Top 5 Derren Raser Band songs.

"Crazy, Crazy"
"Somewhere in the Middle of Love"
"Run, Jesse, Run"
The one about the dinosaur bedspread
"Spartacus"

And NONE are about me! Do i get extra points for humbility?

Monkey-Woman

Today i got a lesson from my boss on how to use the paper slicer. Think about that one. A paper slicer. There's only one way TO use a paper slicer. There's no wrong way...besides sticking your tonuge under the blade. But i think we can all agree that an inbred monkey fresh off the short bus could figure out how to use a paper slicer. This goes into the archives alongside the lesson i got in saving my work before i close the program. i'm curious how he thinks i got through college without knowing about that whole 'save before you close' trick. There are others too....like how to make copies and how to lock the door, but i think the paper slicer is the best so far.

Dilbert

(aka Kal)

Just when you thought there were no single people left from the class of '03...

Now Mark Samples is engaged! Mark proposed to the lovely Jenny last weekend and they will be married and have smiley, musical children. (that's not a pic of Mark or Jenny, but it is what you get when you google 'Mark Samples')

So much for napping at my desk

They're replacing the sidewalk outside my office, which means jackhammering the old sidewalk to oblivion and ensuring i don't get a wink of the nap due me. In other news, i've come up with the perfect name for a goth-metal band:

THE FLAMING TWEEZERS

Feel free to use it for all your goth-metal needs, but give to Kallie what is Kallie's.

Oooh... bubbles!

Funny new show: My Name Is Earl. Why? Because when Earl (Jason Lee, who is my secret boyfriend) has to go to a gay bar he invites his deadbeat brother Randy (Ethan Suplee) along for protection. "Randy was opposed to going, until he found out there would be bubbles."

Wedding # 458

(Niemy's new purse) (shish-ka-salmonella)
Professional Wedding Guests Inc. (aka our group of friends) was at it again this weekend, marrying off our dear Rachel Evans to new member Jason Jenkins. This time we got to add caterering to our resume' as we prepared and executed a mighty fine Shish-ka-bbq. We're pretty sure only 2 people got sick from under-cooked meat, but don't worry, we're not liable. Blame the sun for setting and making it darn hard to see whether or not the meat was done. The wedding was mucho fun, mostly due to sugar-overload from WAY too many bundles of jelly beans and we showed the Pentecostals how Nazarenes REALLY dance (as in, ethusiastically but without rhythm). On Saturday we had the usual fun at the Scholler house and got to see Brodie The Dog model the latest in canine mohawk shaving and i bowled a 96 WITH gutter-bumpers. (i'm THAT good.) Our pics of the ceremony didn't turn out, so check out David's if you're curious. Cosmo played Ben to Lola's Mrs. Robinson and gave her a weekend she'll never forget. Hopefully they'll be able to reunite soon and finish that crazy feline dance of love.

k

The Woman Who Invented This Is Brilliant

i ran across these in Safeway today. They're artificial pumpkins that look and carve just like the real veggies only without all the mess and decay. And given the fact that our senior year pumpkin-carving party caused a balcony covered in nasty mold (sea air + gutted produce = putrescence), i intend to get one and carve the bejesus out of it.

kal

Me + I-5 = BFF

Just to warn you: there will be no Top 5 this Friday, as i will be in San Diego and will be having more fun than a Top 5 can supply. i know, i'm sorry. Stop crying, it isn't becoming. Blow your nose. Seriously.

Anyway, we're driving to Redlands tonight, where we will arrive super late, sleep for a few hours, then get up in time to make it to San Diego by 7:30am to drop my car off at Captain Wonderful's shop. Then three days later we'll drive back up. What would be FUN is if there was a ginormous zoo stretched all along I-5 so we'd have fun stuff to look at on the World's Longest Drive. Make it happen, Dad.

Sucks to be a weed.

Yesterday we did yard work @ Meadows Depot, a drug-rehabilitation center/halfway house for women and their children. The man who runs it is very sick w/cancer and can't take care of the facilities anymore, so our church is stepping in. Anyway, after mowing the lawn for too long (it's a big lawn) i switched off to weed-whacker duty, which is MUCH more fun. i think it satisfies some inner, supressed need for violence, because i had a fantastic time doing it, despite very sore thumbs today. And i always said, "If you can safely satisfy a hunger for violence while in the service of the Lord Almighty, do it."

kal

Belated Top 5

(i'm pretty stoked b/c i just figured out that my cat plays fetch, which is awesome and nearly makes him as cool as a dog.)

THE TOP 5 SONGS IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW

Alanis Morrisette: That I Would Be Good
Coldplay: Fix You
Death Cab for Cutie: Lack of Color
Wallflowers w/Adam Duritz: 6th Ave. Heartache
Bright Eyes: Perfect Sonnet

Honorable Mention: Come Thou Fount, b/c i realized that i've been singing the wrong words all this time and i like the real words better.

New Addictions

My favorite new TV show is Rescue Me, starring & written & produced by Denis Leary. It's about New York firemen. i know it sounds lame to say this, but it's got it all. VERY funny at times, but also downright gritty & creative. Here's a brief synopsis in case you catch an episode & want to know what's going on (& cuz i have no life):

Denis Leary is Tommy Gavin, an Irish NY firefighter trying to cope w/his bad marraige, his drinking problem, & his cousin Jimmy's death on 9/11. His marraige hits the skids right around the time he goes to dinner with Jimmy's widow Sheila. Long story short, Sheila ends up pregnant. (Later she has a miscarriage, she & Tommy break up, & she becomes lesbian with an abusive girlfriend) Tommy almost gets fellow firefighter Franco (who's VERY easy on the eyes, girls) killed & Franco, who recently became the single parent of a little girl by his gonzo ex-girlfriend, gets addicted to pain killers while beginning a relationship with Laura, the only woman at Ladder 62. Mike is the rookie who worries he might be gay after he, um, responds to a male doctor during a check for testicular cancer. Chief Reilly is a nice guy trying to keep Ladder 62 from going to heck & making awkward efforts toward accepting his son's homosexuality, but his wife is struggling from a mean case of Alzheimers (& i think she killed herself on Tuesday night). Kenny, aka Lou, got divorced after he & his wife both discovered that the other was having an affair. Now he's trying to help his current girlfriend buy her freedom from her pimp. Tommy's dad John is a crazy old irishman who went off & married a crazy old Chinese millionaire with like, 19 cats. She keels over & dies while John's away & gets partially eaten by her cats. Instead of getting his $62 million, John gets $50,000. (The rest goes to a cat cancer charity.) Out of the blue a priest contacts Tommy & his bro Johnny, a detective, to tell them that he's the illegitimate son of their father. Oh yeah, & Tommy is 'visited' regularly by his dead cousin Jimmy, Jesus, & other not-alive people. He has a crazy imagination. AND, on Tuesday night, Tommy & Janet's son Connor was killed by a hit & run while out riding his bike.

i know what you're thinking: This is a depressing soap opera disguised as a firefighter show & Kallie's an idiot. But i promise it really is good drama! and it really is funny! Tommy is a fascinating character, despite the rough edges. Anyway, i like it and Josh does too, so watch it sometime.

On Why Bikes and Horses are Cool

i've spent $130.17 on gas in the past 9 days.

k

Top 5 Theories On Why Katie and Bobby Don't Email Us

Disclaimer: KaBob came and visited us in Elk Grove, which guarantees them a mansion in Heaven. But they almost NEVER email! Here's my ideas why:

They're waiting for the most opportune moment to announce that special bundle of expenses some sentamentalists call 'a baby.'

They've been emotionally kidnapped by hippies, euthanasia advocates, hikers, or some other Oregonian group, and now they're burning bridges to their 'unenlightened past' (aka US).

They stumbled upon a massive under-Portland oil reserve and are subsequently filthy, filthy rich and don't want to share with us.

They're so hooked on their ability to Netflix every season of 'Northern Exposure' that they spend all their spare time in front of the tube.

They're too busy searching for the perfect puppy or kitten: something with brown hair, big blue eyes, a toothy grin and killer dance moves.

This is the puppy i'm going to steal.

Don't tell Matt and Brenda.

Edits

i was wrong: at only 1/4 of the way thru "100 Years of Solitude" i can already agree that it is one of the best books of all time. The paragraph that sealed the deal:

"Then they went into Jose Arcadio Buendia's room, shook him as hard as they could, shouted in his ear, put a mirror in front of his nostrils, but they could not awaken him. A short time later, when the carpenter was taking measurements for the coffin, through the window they saw a light rain of tiny yellow flowers falling. They fell on the town all through the night in a silent storm, and they covered the roofs and blocked the doors and smothered the animals that slept outdoors. So many flowers fell from the sky that in the morning the streets were carpeted with a compact cushion and they had to clear them away with shovels and rakes so that the funeral procession could pass by."


kal

Kristen- i agree, WAY confusing when everyone has the same name. i printed out a family tree and use it as my bookmark. Otherwise i'll lose my mind.

TOP 5 REASONS NOR CAL WINS

'Wins what?' you ask. Wins EVERYTHING.
**************************************
It doesn't cost a spleen sold on the black market to pay the rent.

The trees do this crazy thing with their leaves where they like, change all the colors! Then they dump 'em all off on the grass and switch 'em all out for new leaves! Trees are hilarious...

Lakes and rivers: not so salty!

Parking downtown, or even in your apartment complex, is not only possible, it's likely.

It only snows when and where we want it to.
****************************************

What Dreams May Come

Our wedding, as remembered in dream form by our friend Winter.

"First of all, it was in the woods...but it was also on the water, go figure. so people were like, hiking out to the middle of nowhere for the ceremony, or riding in trucks on hay bales, but there were also boats going by the lawn. but the wedding didnt fit the location AT ALL. first of all, i woke up dream-hating kallie because of the bridesmaids dresses...or should i say, bridesmaids tunics. they were these HUGE shapeless chiffonish embroidered tunics that went down to our shins. i was totally late to the ceremony because i was trying to fix my outfit so it didnt look like the epitome of craposity, and had to climb over people in the aisles to get to my spot, which really irritated mandy moore, who was an honored guest (huh?). and we also had huge shapeless skirts on underneath, and for some reason the drawstring on my skirt was broken and my skirt kept falling down during the ceremony. this really wasn't a big problem, because the tunic was so long anyways! and I just kept thinking, "these would look ok if they werent so ginormous!!" seriously, they were giant clouds of chiffon...we looked like cupcakes. whit just kept looking at me and shrugging like "what can we do??" or perhaps "kallie is dead to us." i just now remembered a lighthouse being right there too. anyways, some random guy decked out in a weird sailor's outfit was shooting a bb gun, at whom i dont really remember, but i dont remember being scared, so it must have been part of the ceremony, obviously. kallie also made us go on a boat and look at jellyfish, which just put her further down on my black list."

Long Lost James

Everyone's favorite dreamboat, James 'Rugged' Beaver (far left), returns to dry land on September 17th. James has spent the past 2 years sailing around the world as a missionary and will soon begin his 'Kindergarten Teachers Are Sexy Too' campaign.

24 Down, 83 To Go

(yes, i'm aiming for the magic age of 107 and i intend to get there by continuing my health regimen of Eat Whatever, Do Little Else)

As predicted, i had a super-duper birthday. A not-so-surprise party sealed the deal (my suspicions were confirmed when Josh began cleaning the apt then told me to take $10, leave, and not come back til 5:30). A chili-pepper pinata provided a hundred more parties shaped and tasting like candy. Perhaps the best b-day gift was the relief that MonsterCat didn't sink his teeth into any of the guests... except Hiroshi, who's a ninja and can handle even the most ferocious attackers. i dare say it was such a good birthday that i don't think i'll need to celebrate until the requisite September 21. (this does not rule out September 17th, all you San Diegans)

Thanks to everyone who emailed, called, and otherwise celebrated with me!

kal

Good Bye Nazarene Credit Union

A quick announcement to you all, I have finally closed my Nazarene Credit Union account. My procrastination led to two years of hauling around a useless card in my wallet that I have rediscovered numerous times in the past and vowed to close my account next weekend. However, after transferring my cards from my old wallet into my new wallet (special thanks to Nordstrom Rack) I rediscovered the same old ATM card and actually called today and closed my account. Yeah for action.

TOP 5 SATURDAY!

i could tell by all the frantic phone calls that i forgot to do the Top 5 yesterday. So here's a special list....

Kallie's Top 5 Birthdays

Age 21: surprise party at Whitney's house. Good clean fun.

Age 15: double-birthday party w/Korina at her house. We had a Batman cake and borrowed Bernie Hansen's big trampoline.

Age 17?: surprise party at Josselyn's house (scared the living ___ out of me). A good mix of church and school friends and a campfire.

Age 11?: had a Booble-Big-Pig cake that we decorated with M&Ms and Reese's Pieces. My mom makes better cakes than your mom.

Age 24: i know it hasn't happened yet, but i've already got some pretty cool presents and Josh has indulged me enough to celebrate the whole month.

i'm sure there were some pretty crazy parties when i was a little kid, but i can't really remember them. Anyway, whoever remembers /shares a birthday story from the earliest age wins a batch of cookies from the super-cool cookie book Bonbon got me for my birthday. And seriously, the cakes my mom made were CRAZY! (mom, send pix and i'll post them to make all the other kids jealous)

Why Kallie Deserves A Raise

http://www.caparentsrights.org

Mr. Sulu blogs too!

Who knew??

http://www.georgetakei.com/news.asp


k
ps- i, too, would like my cremated remains blasted into space.

4:30......Proof That Life Is Cruel

Not that i have an overactive imagination or anything, but i swear, 5 o'clock has manifested itself as an adorable puppy who paces the sidewalk outside my 2nd story office window and barks me invitations to come play and snuggle and eat raisins. Naturally, after the incredibly painful half hour has passed and i rush out of the building to take 5 O'Clock Puppy in my arms, he has been hit by one the buses that rumbles past 22 times a day (making the entire building shake) or has been kidnapped by the meter maid or adopted-as-mascot by the UPS man because he is NEVER to be found, and leaves only a smushed raisin behind, which salts the wound freshly gouged daily at the thought of my commute home. A commute which would be nothing short of a delight if i were able to collect my puppy and leave at 4:30.

kal

Pics from Rivercats with Kabob

Friday? More like FIVEDAY!!

(i'm such a geek. i'm convinced that all my friends are simply employees of my parents and are being paid for everything having to do with me)

TOP 5 SCARY MOVIES!
Here are the 5 that are either fantastic fun to watch, or are so God-forsaken scary that i hope this will be last time i ever even recall them to memory. Oh yeah, and 3/5 of these were experienced on the PLNU campus, which we all know is haunted.

THE SHINING :: so scary that afterward i wouldn't let Josh leave until the shaking stopped and i finally fell asleep.

ROSEMARY'S BABY :: made scarier by the fact that afterward i had to walk across campus in the middle of the night to an empty dorm room.

SIGNS :: Shyamalan's best. When the first alien flashed on the screen i fell off my chair. Also watched it at night in a nearly-empty computer lab on an abandoned summertime campus. Naturally, the only other person in the lab was a creepy-acting 7 foot tall alien-looking dude.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS :: Good scary fun. Anthony Hopkins won the Best Actor Oscar but was only in about 18 minutes of the movie. He's just that scary.

PSYCHO :: flipped to it on TV one lonely night w/out realizing what i was watching. That's a recipe for disaster.

i know there are scarier movies out there, but there's a reason i haven't seen them. 90 minutes of adrenaline is not worth having to sleep in a well-lit chapel for the rest of my life!! Feel free to discuss.

Excuse me, Professor Awesome?

From the wonderful and gainfully employed Ashley Morrow:

"The good news is that I took a teaching position at El Capitan High School in Lakeside. For those of you who don't know much about Lakeside...it is the agriculture district--the school campus is connected to the rodeo grounds!! The school mascot is the Vacqueros. It's PERFECT for me."

Ashley's going to buy a horse and name it 'Kalpal Queen Of The Spellers' and they will ride around the world teaching literature.

KaBobariffic!

It was a good weekend. We successfully made mint chip ice cream and were finally able to enjoy Napoleon Dynamite. And to top it off, we got to see long lost friends! Brea and Shane are back in Mecca after spending the past few years banished in the wilds of Tennessee and they live only about 30 minutes away, RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM THE MINI-GOLF COURSE!!! Good times to come, for sure.

AND KaBob snuck out of Oregon long enough to vist us! We went to dinner and a Rivercats game and played with Cosmo. The Albuquerque Isotopes beat the Rivercats, and ironically, we were able to figure out what an isotope was but not a Rivercat. Katie and Bobby remain our only guests to NOT donate blood to The Satisfy Our Possessed Cat Fund. (Brenda donated the most) Bobby taught Josh how to tie a slipknot around Cosmo's tail which makes for BIG FUN.
Thanks for the superfun visit KaBob! See you in San Diego!

(pix to come!)

TOP 5 THINGS i LIKE ABOUT FOOTBALL SEASON

Football, of all the sports that Josh watches and the world is over-obsessed with, is the sport i hate the least. Basketball season isn't that bad, but the commercials aren't as good....and the Kings keep trading my faves. So here is why Football Season is tolerable:

CHRIS 'BOOMER' BERMAN:: (ESPN announcer-guy) he's funny w/out trying to be

GROWN MEN ACTING LIKE JUNIOR HIGH GIRLS:: Makes me proud to be of the mature gender

FUNNY COMMERCIALS:: Ray Lewis vs the bandaid, The Eagles' Team Mommy, Peyton Manning as the Priceless Fan

MONDAY NIGHTS TO MYSELF

RONDE AND TIKI BARBER:: fun to say, fun to watch

That being said, let's all give T.O. a training bra and get the party started!

-kal

A Wedding With A Side of Peas

Hooray for Cassie and Chris! They were married this weekend in a blur of asparagus, cucumbers and turtles. Their wedding was at Turtle Bay Museum and featured green bridal sneakers, a soaked groomsman, and centerpieces full of any green thing Mother Nature could think of: bell peppers, limes, avocados, grapes, beans and broccoli, to name a few. It was all very fun and of course, we didn't take a single photo, but we did bust a dancing shoe or two! Congrats Jonesies, have fun honeymooning and enjoy your last few West coast days. We can't wait to visit you in future East coast travels!

TOP 5 SLASHIES

A Slashie can be anything/actor. The following are those who manage to do both somewhat respectably (VERY rare). While folk like Dan Marino claim Slashie-hood, i made a rule that everyone had to have at least 2 experiences wherein they played someone other than themselves. And the 2 careers had to, for the most part, coincide, so Ronald Reagan missed the list.

TOP 5 SLASHIES

Willie Nelson: singer/actor
Steve Martin: actor/novelist
Mos Def: rapper/actor
Mikhail Baryshnikov: ballet dancer/actor
Barbara Streisand: singer/actress (i know, but i wanted at least one woman on the list! and she's got 2 Oscars and a bajillion Grammys)

i know there's a ton more out there, but my brain is fried. You're welcome to improve the list.

A billion points to whoever can think of the best multi-Slashie! i.e. Jane Fonda: fitness guru/model/actress/rabble rouser/writer.

Sheeps

Every couple months someone gets married, and in the months between someone starts a blog. The latest:

http://mattandbrendafer.blogspot.com (includes pics and news from NY)

http://jasonwinterniemeyer.blogspot.com (Winter may be the one having to bring home the bacon, but her reading list sounds much more fun than J's)

http://whitney821.blogspot.com (an experiment in commitment (as in, to her blog, not her fiance!))

Geek Is The New Black

All is right with the world, because on last night's Average Joe finale, Anna picked Average Nathan over Model/Actor Rocky (a slashie!), breaking Rocky's heart and proving that nice guys CAN finish first. i think the victory had less to do with Nathan's charms and more to do with the fact that the producers finally picked a hot girl who actually had a soul. Anyway, it was clear that Nathan was the better man when he quoted Khalil Gibran from memory and Rocky made up his own soap-worthy sound bytes ..."With passion comes chance." (it looked like she threw up in her mouth a little bit) So keep wearing your headgear and working on your magic routine, all you junior Joes out there, your blinded-by-love girl will come.

A Giant Weekend

Rachel and Jason came up North to visit us! They crashed at our place, gave a pint of blood to Cosmo, went to The City w/us, and endured the world's hottest game of mini-golf (i lost) (by alot) (i suk at mini golf) (but i can't stop loving it) (it's my abusive boyfriend) (altho it'd probably call ME the abusive one) (but i digress). We smartly avoided buying the expensive Giants tickets and opted for the nosebleeds, which became an even better idea when the Giants lost 16-4. Poor, poor Giants. All that stadium and no talent.
Anyway, we had a super time, and to any other San Diegans who might want to go to Heaven, we're free every weekend in August and it's my birthday-month, which means 31 days of pee-your-pants-fun, all the mini golf your mom can handle, and cake and wine for every meal!
-kal

TOP FIVES by kallie

From now 'til i stop, Friday is Top 5 Day, wherein i submit a list of the Top 5 Best Of Something. (not to be confused with My Top 5 Favorites of Something) The Top 5 Bests are those that exemplify a mastery of craft. i don't dare chose the Top 1, so they're always just in random order. Feel free to disagree; i love suggestions.

The Top 5 Novels present a mastery of story telling in addition to a mastery of the use of English applied correctly to said story. There are others who offer fantastic stories (Bradbury), or exceptional writing (Divakaruni), and possess qualities of both, but it's my list and i picked these 5.

TOP 5 NOVELS
------------
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest::: by Ken Kesey
The Princess Bride::: by William Goldman
East of Eden::: by my boyfriend
A Prayer for Owen Meany::: by John Irving
To Kill A Mockingbird::: by Harper Lee

i venture say that Irving and Kesey capture top prizes, but so much of a novel, more than any film, is the moment in life when you read it, b/c it's far more than 120 minutes of your time and effort. So i really don't know how much "Owen Meany" deserves my constant adoration, but until i'm proved wrong it's there. "Catcher in the Rye" and "Mockingbird" battled fiercely, but in the end i had to admit that Boo Radley was more of a story than even Holden Caulfield.

The Spanish Branch Sprouts Again!

New cousin alert! Josiah Michael Leon was born to Tracy and Javier yesterday, adding another small dose of chili into the chicken noodle soup that is our family.

Cognitive Breakfast

From Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz":

"I was talking to a homeless man at a laundramat recently, and he said that when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy. I thought that was very beautiful and comforting because I have never been very good at math. Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me. The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever."

Another One Bites The Cake

Congrats to Whitney and Tannen, even though we don't have a picture of him. But this pic has Whitney in a wedding, so pretend either Travis or Kane is Tannen and you'll be on the right track.

WHIT AND TANNEN ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED IN MAY AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA KISS AND HAVE HIPPY BABIES WITH SOUTHERN DRAWLS! YAY!

Meal worms grow into beetles

If you kept leaving me voice mails last week, upset at the fact i wasn't calling you back, you are either a) Whitney, or b) no one else because Whitney was the only one.

i was at camp all last week, out in the wilds of Nevada City where no cell phone dare venture. i played counselor to a cabin full of Oroville girls, who decided before they went to bed at 2 am that 5 am would be a super time to get up and take me with them. Special points for Bethany who managed to fall out of her top bunk and still look cool. i got to hang out with Ash and Herms all week, get shot in the leg by the camp director, break three tents, eat enchiliadas disguised as Martian baby food, and watch teenagers enthusiastically gobble meal worms. It is a testament to the power of God that we can tell them 'Jesus loves you so much! Now eat meal worms or no free time!' and they still keep coming back, year after mealwormy year.

What i learned at camp: Our grandparents' generation was 68% Bible based, meaning their morals and lifetsyles. The Baby Boomers are only about 33% Bible based. We, Generation X, are estimated to be at 16%. The experts (whoever they are) hypothesize that the generation born after 1984, today's high school and college students, will only be about 4% Bible based when they grow up. Does this mean our granchildren will be a part of the 0% for their generation?

Anyway, i'm back and have only a few battle scars and a missing pillow case to show for it, but good times were had.


kal

Lodi's Aaron Kantar Leads 2005 Poker World Series

I can't believe this. I have been hearing about this guy from some of the girls here at work. I heard he was doing well. I checked on the official world series of poker website and saw to my astonishment that not only was he doing well, but he has made it to the final table and is the chip leader! The final round starts tonight at 4:00pm. Check it out if you can. Lodi is making its mark!

Lodi News

2005 World Series of Poker

Kane & White Wedding

Jeff and Erin, thank you both for all the memories.

The Blacks

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Breanna and Shane? They have been in Rocklin for a while now and Kallie and I want to go see them, however, we have no way of getting in contact with them. Any one have any numbers or emails for them?

Todd Collins

http://www.tdcollins.com/

A creative site from Todd Collins, designer, photographer and composer. Sample all three at his site.

Foth of Hool-i

For the weekend of the 4th we tagged along with Jesse and Lyn for good times in Monterey, complete with bikers (about 3 gazillion of them, give or take) and Pablo Francisco. We walked around Cannery Row and went to the Aquarium where Lyn served as tour giude to all things fishy. We ate caviar and shark fin soup then left in search of salt water taffy and dinner. (most of you know that i would consider a half pound of taffy dinner, but pizza works just as well) i was walking on air the whole time, being that Cannery Row is in my Top 5 list of Best Books Ever and that somewhere inside me that masters thesis on Steinbeck is still floating.

Josh and i left the Rostens in Steinnery Row to make it back in time for church and Aunt Jackie's Pre-4th 4th Party. Bailey and i had fun sidewalk chalking for tips and i made 87 cents. (i had to give her 70% since we were using her chalk) Someday i will have to learn to draw something besides giraffes and lions. But if it ain't broke...

Monday meant hanging out with Kallie T. and watching Cosmo and Tiger rumble/run in circles. We are proud to say that Cosmo wears the pants in his cross-species-same-sex-relationship with Tiger.

Sunday i will be picking up Herms and Ashley and we 3 will broil away the next week with a few hundred high school students and some unstable youth workers. You can send me camp mail and cookies at:
Kallie Markle
c/o Sac Senior High Camp
15742 North Bloomfield Rd.
Nevada City, CA 95959

Check on Josh while i'm gone!

-kalpal

p.s. Mrs. Trihub, if you are reading this you need to email your roommates so they know you're not pregnant.

Free To A Good Blind Kid!

courtesy of david

Mmmm...Apple-y

Two Wednesdays ago i flew to Minneapolis for the National Right to Life Convention. Minnie: Thanks for the fun mall and holding off on the snow for a weekend.

i got back and was able to see Josh for a whole day before he left for Kane's week-long bachelor party in Yuba City. (WTF?) Tuesday's root canal went badly.....There were 6 pill bottles lined up on the counter and i had some of each in me. This led to barfing and mayhem, as Vicodin wreaks havoc on my brain. I.e, when the UPS man brought the new clothes i'd ordered online, i burst out sobbing.

i stayed home Wednesday to hang out with my pills and pillow. i didn't even leave my bed to watch Ellen. Same story Thursday, which also involved getting lost on the way to the bridal shower and rear-ending the World's Needlessly Meanest Man.

Friday i was able to finally see all the friends that had been in town since Tuesday, and Saturday the girls and i saw Bewitched before going to the wedding. Good movie, great wedding. Who knew not-dancing could be so fun? Josh and Scott gave a fantastic toast and we all went to Niemy's after and had more fun, complete with ping-pong and twirling. Sunday morning: breakfast at Cassidy's, where apparently they're only used to serving midgets and starlets, cuz we were all still pretty hungry after our egg.

It was good to spend time with people we hadn't seen in a while, like Laurie and Unfried, and since the Alexanders are East Coast-bound, it was time well spent with them as well. And now we have proof that NorCal can be just as fun as San Diego, so there.

YAY FOR MATT!

Our smart friend Matt Alexander got into Columbia University Medical School!!! WOWIE!! Matt and Brenda have just a few weeks to get everything together and hauled off the New York City, so get your QT in while you can. i'm thinking that unless someone is getting married next spring or summer, (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) we should plan our reunion for the Big Apple, i hear they have good hot dogs there.

Congrats Mattpal! Can't wait to come visit!

kal and josh

Leroy Jenkins

Just plain funny. This makes me think of what us guys would be like on XBOX live.

http://flame.tiefighter.org/WoW/1115793473.wmv

George Lucas, be advised

The Josh and Kallie responses to 'Did you like Episode 3, Revenge of the Sith?'

josh: i did and i didn't.

kallie: the next time i see George Lucas i will kick him in the ear.

When Good Family Spy Shows Go Bad

Sometimes you have to write things out to grasp their magnitude. Take, por ejemplo, the Alias season finale.

The American Super-spies (they make other spies look like Natl. Guardsmen) are in Moscow where the Rambaldians, a wack-o cult with extremely high government connections (but really, don't all cults have great clout with powerful gov.s?), has used the genetics of an orchid to unleash a giant swirly red ball in the air over Moscow. This Uber-Gobstopper will, upon being triggered, poison the water supply of the entire planet.
Before they parachute safely through the Evil Gobstopper, Vaughn asks Sydney to be his SpyWife and gives her a diamond decoder ring.
While the two Spy-Geeks back at headquarters find an internet porn video of a Russian official to be used for blackmail in exchange for The All Important Secret Code to Russia, the better looking spies (too hot for desk jobs) are walking around the desecrated streets of Moscow. Apparently there's not THAT much of a hurry to save the earth.
Suddenly! RUSSIAN ZOMBIES! The Gobstopper has unleashed legions of them! They have red eyes and can speak English! Luckily their friend from NYU happens to be wandering around Moscow with an AK47. He tells them you have to shoot the zombies to kill them, right before a Russian zombie sticks a rod of rebar thru his chest. Dying, he tells them their only way to the Gobstopper floating above the city is through the underground subways, naturally. They will have to activate the Subway batteries in order to operate it, as Moscow is experiencing a rolling blackout.
Sydney asks Nadia to be her maid of honor, but when the Russian zombies chase them Nadia can't run fast enough to jump aboard the subway. Sydney prettily furrows her brow and wonders if maybe slow-poke Nads isn't maid of honor material.

Oh yeah, and a glowing white horse walks by at one point, in the depths of Gobstopper-Zombie blacked out desecrated Russia. It's apparently a sign that the Chosen One will triumph over the StayPuffed Marshmallow Man or something.

Fast forward to when Sydney has 4 seconds to unplug the evil Gobstopper. Ambiguous Sloane, still stoked they were able to kill his Sloane Clone last week, has to shoot his daughter, the now Zombified Nadia, who was trying to kill Sydney out of jealousy that Syd was getting married before her. Jack and his actually-not-dead-after-he-shot-her Russian ex-wife Irina are interrogating her somehow-Spanish sister Ilena (ps- their other sister is Italian). Irina puts a bullet in sis's head for calling her fat and tells Syd to cut the blue wire. YAY! The Gobstopper explodes into water and they all take the elevator to safety, which i guess operates off the subway's batteries.

Phone Etiquette

Yesterday i was getting ready to leave work when a man suffering from ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease) called to berate me for apparently caring more about frozen embryos than i do about sick people. After ten minutes of me not getting a word in edgewise he finally told me that he hopes me and all my coworkers get ALS so we would know how it feels. That's when i decided i didn't need to be on the phone with him any longer. Great way to end a day huh? It's always nice when perfect strangers wish crippling, fatal diseases on you.

JOSH AND KALLIE BACK ONLINE!

Yes, the computer is fixed and we are back up running with even more great info about your favorite couple! Check out Kosmo, the new addition to the Markle family!

Why Kallie Is Awesome, Reason #43

i am eating a chimichanga out of a mug with a spoon.

Another Kallie Dream

Me and Travis and a bunch of my punk rock friends (don't laugh-it could happen) were walking through a mall or carnival (is there really a difference?) when we came across Steven Spielberg and a huge sound stage and a bunch of photographers, makeup people, etc. Apparently we had appointments to take stills of the new Star Wars episode (which Spielberg is directing now i guess) which we apparently were also in. i was dressed up like either Mary Magdalene or the Emperor, either way i had some sort of hood. My pose was that of Princess Leia and the whole "Help Me Obi Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope" bit. While we were waiting to take the picture, there were deleted scenes from Minority Report playing on the hugest screen ever. Something about Tom Cruise and Colin Ferrel in a cab. Steven was explaining that these were the scenes the studio made him cut. i didn't know that anyone could make Steven do anything he didn't want to do. i got tired of waiting or had to pee or something, so i drove away in my big jeep, and a PA had to come get me. Steven Speilberg was not to happy with me for driving away. i just kept thinking, "You look like Karl Martin." By then Travis and all my punk rock friends had left, leaving me to take my picture all alone at the dark carnival/sound stage.

RootCanalLitterBoxComcast

i just learned that i will be having a root canal on Friday the 13th. Luckily, i'm a professional dental patient who specializes in root canals and other extra-unpleasant procedures. No amateur should attempt this.

We are in our new apartment and we love it! Thanks all who helped. Come visit soon, we have someone special for you to meet....OUR NEW KITTY! His name is Cosmo (as in Kramer) but Josh calls him Nancy. We've always been dog people, but we're learning that the whole cat/litter box thing is fantastic. Then again, our cat is smarter and cleaner and cooler than every other cat ever....

i know you're just DYING for pictures of Cosmo/Nancy/Daquiri (as David calls him) but since the Comcast monkey never showed up during his 4 hour window and can't come again for 2 WEEKS, i'm writing this from work. We'll put pictures up as soon as we can. "Don't worry," Comcast person says, "we won't charge you for these two weeks!" Yeah. Duh. i'd like to know how they'd charge us for the phone, internet and cable service we DON'T have because their guy DIDN'T come install it. (although he claims otherwise. Comcast: Do you live in a beige building? Josh: Yes. Comcast: Yeah, he said he went there and it was a beige building and no one was home. (For those unfamiliar with Elk Grove, EVERYTHING IS BEIGE. Elk Grove makes 'cookie-cutter' seem random.) My bet is that he was eating Doritos and smoking a joint in his truck somewhere. Come on karma, don't fail me now...)

Tirade over. Will post pics of kitty soon.

kal

Kallie's Dream

The following all took place in the upstairs portion of a jungle house, just outside the elevator.
My friend James Beaver and Grace (from Will & Grace) are both desperately in love with gay Will (from Will & Grace). James is despondant, Grace is insane. Observing, i wonder why Grace doesn't just go for James, since James is a hottie and heterosexual (@ least, before he fell in love with gay Will.) They are bickering over Will and every once in a while James storms off to fix the big gold elevator whose doors are stuck open and inside is an apartment with a 1970s dining room table and Will. To solve the "Who Gets To Be With Will" dilemma, Will's parents have been called in. His parents are actress Mimi Rogers and...Will. Will's father is Will, so there are two Wills, but James and Grace are only in love with the gay Will. Mimi Rogers is irate and mean (i think i was channeling Door in the Floor) and Will the Dad is bored; James is still bummed, but has almost fixed the gold elevator, Grace is just annoying. Then we're all downstairs, chest deep in water in the jungle house, so it's more like a swamp or the Amazon, and to get around we stand in little boats and use large fish (sea bass?) as oars.

James, wherever you are, you have some explaining to do. Nevertheless, you were the most rugged gay man i will ever come across.

ON WHY I HATE MOVING

My family has lived in the same house my whole life. i used to brag, then i graduated from high school.

I HAVE MOVED 15 TIMES IN LESS THAN 6 YEARS. At first i didn't believe it, so i had to write it out. Observe and sympathize.

1. August, 1999: Moved from Redding to PLNU/Nease Hall
2. May, 2000: Nease to Redding
3. August 2000: Redding to PLNU/Klassen Hall
4. May 2001: Klassen to Young Hall
5. July 2001: Young to Redding
6. August 2001: Redding to Rome/Convent
7. October 2001: Convent to Villa Borghese Apt
8. December 2001: Rome to Redding
9. January 2002: Redding to PLNU/Goodwin Hall
10. May 2002: Goodwin to Young Hall
11. August 2002: Young to Flex Housing
12. May 2003: Flex to Adrian Street Apt
13. April 2004: Adrian St to Redding
14. June 2004: Redding to Elk Grove, Harbour Point Apt
15. April 2005: Harbour Point Apt to Lake Point Apt

-k

Why Karma is Bunk

Every morning it takes me ten minutes to travel the length of the metered on-ramp, all the while, jerkies whiz by in the carpool lane and only about half of them are actually carpool-worthy. So yesterday, I'm in the carpool lane of the 99 for like 3 seconds when a cycle-cop spots me, pulls me over and gives me a ticket. i'm going to build a tollbooth at my on-ramp and charge carpool violators a dollar each until my ticket is paid off.

Movers 4 Hire

As of the 1st of May, Kallie and I will be in our new apartment. We are looking for strong, diligent movers who don't like stealing. Please apply to: movers@joshandkallie.com
We are excited to move into our new place. Hopefully the management will be better than our old place. Check it out:
http://www.rent.com/apartments/california/sacramento-and-vicinity/elk-grove/488941/

(Note: all movers will be paid in food only.)

Prayers for Grandma Markle

Just a reminder to all, Grandma Markle is going in for a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check on her stomach problems. Please keep her in prayer.

Josh's New Hobby

I've finally started the path toward removing some of the extra "Josh" that hangs out on my belly. With the addition of a little cardio and the help of my brother-in-law Chris, I will be taking a Karate Class. I went down tonight and got my gi and watched the class I would participate in. There is one little kid Robert who has been training since he was eight. Chris told me that his parents used to train him by attaching weights to his hands when he punched. He is now 15 and a junior black belt. How he is in my class I do not know. I'm sure he'll end up being my sparring partner. The class looks to be a lot of fun, plus I get to hang out with Chris and get a chance to get to know him better. We had a good time hanging out tonight talking about the kids and his business. So look out for the next great Chuck Norris.

-Josh

PS. I also asked my sister Kallie and Chris to go with us to a wine tasting class on Saturday. Those of you who know Chris realize how great a situation that is.

PSS. Those of you wanting to participate in the "Bet on What Belt Level Josh Drops Karate Poll" need to speak with Kallie. She has 20 bucks on the blue belt!

(Just kidding. GO KARATE!)

March Madness, Movie Style

For all those movie geeks living with sports nuts....this is fun! i'll show you mine if you show me yours!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7053845/

kal
and yes, i consider it a triumph that Napoleon Dynamite was NOT included!

CONGRATULATIONS RACHEL AND JASON

Jason and Rachel, congrats on the engagement. In what little time we have known Jason, we have learned enough to see how much he cares for Rachel and how much he can tolerate her friends. We are very excited for you both and we can't wait to have you two up in Northern California for a Giants game.

Kallie's Dream

i was in the back seat, Whitney was driving and Winter was shotgun, and we were all talking about something when Winter said "I just can't wait to be a daddy." It was a weird thing to say but i ignored it, until i realized that Whit and Winter were both in on something i was unaware of. All of sudden we were in our beachfront mansion made entirely of windows and yet enclosed inside Klassen Hall. Winter announced that yes, she was pregnant! i immediately offered my condolences and sympathies but she was actually very excited and showed me the postcard that the doctor's office had sent her. It was the standard form kind where they fill in the details; it said "Dear WINTER MITCHELL, this is to confirm that you are PREGNANT but not LACTATING." i asked how it happened, since Winter hadn't wanted kids yet. She said she had a nodule that had counterbalanced her patch and made her pregnant. Suddenly it was a few years later and Jason was showing me a photo of himself with two little blond boys, (Winter had twins) and telling me that they had named the boys Evan and Uritch. Later i fell off the top of my giant canopy bed which was floating in water but i didn't sink in the water i landed on my back and floated while on the phone and telling Korina about the pregnancy.

(For a good half hour this morning i thought about how weird it was that Winter and Jason were going to be parents.)

Collierville Country Store

Don't let Josh ever tell you that he didn't grow up in the boonies. Around the corner from the Markle homestead is the Collierville Country Store....Acampo's version of 7/11 or something. When we stopped in on Sunday THERE WAS A CHICKEN CHILLING IN THE PARKING LOT. That's when i knew we weren't in San Diego anymore.

-kal

Things I Wish I Hadn't Learned At Work

While it's good to be working for a cause, it's hard to be submerged in all that i'm working against. At times i can't stand the feeling that i'm the only one knowing this stuff, so i'm putting it out there and telling myself that at least now i'm not alone in how i'm feeling.

---Since Roe v Wade, there have been more than 40 million recorded abortions. (The entire population of San Diego is just over 1 million.)
---An unborn child has less legal protection from pain than commercial livestock.
---Dilation and Evacuation Abortions involve the dismemberment of the unborn child by a pair of forceps; sometimes the head is too large and must be crushed for removal. Instillation Abortions involve replacing amniotic fluid with a concentrated salt solution, which the child inhales as the salt burns its skin for up to an hour. In neither technique is the unborn provided with any anesthesia, despite the fact that @ 20 weeks he/she is fully capable of feeling pain but has not developed the mechanisms for inhibiting or moderating pain that adults and children have.
---More children are killed by abortion every year than the total number of Americans killed in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, WWI & WWII, and the Vietnam, Korean and Persian Gulf Wars combined.
---Induced Labor Abortion forces a preterm baby (up to an incl. 9 months) out of its mother, alive, where it is left on a table to die (which can take several hours); hospitals are not even required to wrap the baby in a blanket.
---Californians pay for more than 91,666 abortions a year, about $51,863,235.00 .... and that was in 1998.

-kal

SD, HERE WE COME!

The long awaited trip has finally come and we couldn't be more excited to get back to San Diego. Jeff Kane has won the honors of picking us up from the airport. We have no plans other than places we would like to eat. Those hot spots on the list are the following: Santanas, Miguel's, Wahoo's, La Taverna, Hawaiian Place, The Schollers, Einstein Bros Bagels, Coffee Bean & Gordon Biersh...to name a few. So if any of you old friends want to meet up for a bite some where this weekend, please join us! We are excited to see all of you and spend time with some of our dearest. Thank you for those of you helping us out with traveling and lodging. We appreciate everything.

See you soon,

Josh and Kallie

mmmm, monotony

i have discovered something i love almost as much as alphabatizing books: addressing envelopes. It is the perfect activity for someone who revels in organized monotony and is entirely obsessed with her own handwriting.


-kal

Words of Wisdom

If you are ever looking for dental insurance, try Delta Dental Insurance. Apparently it is the only insurance approved by almost every dentist. Choosing to not go with Delta leaves you with an insurance that is unapproved by your dentist causing you to pay for your (1,100 dollar) wisdom teeth removal surgery up front and waiting for your insurance to pay YOU back. Since when was Blue Cross outed by Dentists!

"The City"

It is official: i've been in a limosine! For Kallie T's birthday Chris rented a limo and we all went to San Francisco to play. It was raining, so we played indoors at Ikea and the Exploratorium, where an old man kept stealing the fun science projects from us and a little girl was wearing a neon green wrestling uniform over her blue tights. Then we ate at the Rainforest Cafe'. It's a fun place and all, but too loud (what with the fake elephants and gorillas sounding mating calls every fifteen minutes) and humid (they sat us right next to the waterfall, water fell on our table). Overpriced food is one thing when you're paying for a great overall experience, but the mating gorillas and messy waterfall weren't our definition of a great overall experience. But we had MUCHO fun despite the rainforest, and we already know what we're getting Kallie T next year!

So long, time clock.

Two very long years ago i earned a BA in Literature/English Education. It has since been slowly and painfully decomposing in the back seat of my life as i have tried unsuccessfully to fulfill it. i was content to make coffee as long as i could keep "do you want fries with that?" out of my head. Next i became a retail monkey, selling people the very books upon which my very expensive but seemingly worthless education was based. Then Jeff Kane reminded me of a website that posts jobs for writers. i checked it out and responded to the following post:
"A conservative non-profit organization in Sacramento seeks a Research & Communications Assistant. Duties include: Research and writing, web content development and education. Relevant college coursework and experience desirable. Opportunity for growth and flexible schedule. "

They called me Monday, i interviewed, and today they offered me the job. i work for the Sacramento chapter of the National Right To Life Committee. My job includes keeping track of relevant legislation and communicating said legislative action to the public. In other words, i translate government stuff so regular folk can keep up with what's going on. i'm nearly doubling my earnings, applying my skills and education, and actually working for something i believe in. It'll nice to be able to sleep at night

check it out:
http://www.californiaprolife.org
http://www.nrlc.org/Missionstatement.htm

thanks jebus :)
-kal

Yes, again.

A wise old Sharpa once said, "Victory is futile when playing 5 vs. 8." This is the lesson learned earlier this evening as the Sacramento Kings fell short of a victory once again due to a horrible call favoring the opposing team with less than a minute to play. With 58 seconds on the clock, center Brad Miller drove to the hoop and plowed through a defender to score two points with a foul to bring the Kings within one point of the Chicago Bulls. However, all three referees determined that the defensive foul was in fact an offensive foul on Brad Miller for charging. But with the miracle of replay, you can clearly see that the defender's heel was over the arc under the basket, deeming the foul on the Chicago player. By losing a three point swing, the Kings went on to lose by five points. What else can you do but scratch your head in amazement.

~Josh

Not Again!?!

So how many times do my precious Sacramento Kings have to lose to the referees and not their opposing teams. For the second straight home game, the Kings have been screwed by the referees for not calling crucial game turning events. The only part that is worst is the teams have now lost too; two of the elite in the west division, Phoenix and Dallas. On Wednesday night, the Kings were down 123 to 125 to Phoenix with 12 seconds left in the game. The Kings got a shot off under the hoop where an offensive interferance call was not made on a Phoenix player who blocked the shot to win the game. And now tonight, the Kings were ahead by one point with less than a minute to play against Dallas when a sure goal tending play was not called giving the Mavericks another possesion to drive down to the opposite end of the court to put in a basket to win. Sacramento is not a happy city. I hope the Referees are held accountable for their poor play. Some of the King's players were fined and suspended for their reactions to the finale of the Phoenix game...so I don't see why these referees shouldn't be fined the same 10,000 or 15,000 with a suspension. Fair is fair.