Ban, Schman

Presently, i am working my way through Vladimir Nobokov's infamous novel, Lolita. i say 'working my way through' because i am listening to the audio version, masterfully rendered by Jeremy Irons, and when i tell people i am 'reading an audio book' they scoff and say i'm not 'reading', but rather 'listening'. i scoff at the scoffers and smack them in the face with a white glove. So reading can only be done with the eyes? Or, for the blind, with fingertips? Nonsense. It is being engaged with a story and i am equally if not more engaged with an audiobook than i am with any bundle of paper and ink. But i digress.
Lolita is scandalous book, telling the story of the obsession Humbert Humbert has for 12-year-old 'nymphet' Dolores Haze. It is masterfully written, albeit quite squirm-inducing. The most unfortunate side effect of my being engrossed in it is the nagging persistence of that old Police song, 'Don't Stand So Close To Me,' the lyrics of which i don't really know, except for the repetitve chorus, a few snatches of phrase and the part: 'He sees her/He starts to shake and cough/Just like the old man in/That book by Nabokov'. (folks, finding a way to cite and rhyme Nabokov is no small feat. Well done, Sting.) i can't get it out my head. i'm starting to go as nuts as Humbert.
Anyway, Nabokov had a bugger of a time finding an American publisher for his book, due to its subject matter and it was banned in Britain and France. Having this on my mind, i looked up other banned books and found out that the American Library Association's 'Banned Book Week' is annually in the last week of September. FYI. i'm telling you this in advance so you can pick out what piece of political salaciousness you can indulge in and thereby give a big middle finger to the prunes who wouldn't let you do your 5th grade book report on Lady Chatterly's Lover.
i found a list of banned books from Forbidden Library and a few other sites, and here are the ones i've already read, not realizing most of them had such sordid histories, along with their reasons for banishment: (it should be noted that a ban can range from a government forbidding its crossing the border, to an elementary school library refusing to carry it)
1984, by George Orwell- 'for being pro-communist'
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain - ' too full of racially charged language'
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carrol - banned in China 'for portraying animals and humans on the same level'
All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque - Banned in Nazi Germany for demoralizing and insulting the Wehrmacht
Animal Farm, also by Orwell - 'because of anti-Stalin theme'
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank - 'due to "sexually offensive" passages'
As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner - 'for language and for being anti-Christian'
Beloved, by Toni Morrison - 'because of its language'
The Holy Bible - William Tyndale, who partially completed translating the Bible into English, was captured, strangled, and burned at the stake (1536) by opponents of the movement to translate the bible into the vernacular. Beginning around 1830, "family friendly" bibles, including Noah Webster's version (1833) began to appear which had excised passages considered to be indelicate
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley - 'because the book "centered around negative activity'
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown - 'for being "slanted."'
The Call of the Wild, by Jack London - Banned in Italy (1929), Yugoslavia (1929), and burned in Nazi bonfires (1932).
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger- 'due to "profanity, reference to suicide, vulgarity, disrespect, and anti-Christian sentiments."'
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, by Roald Dahl- because it 'espoused a poor philosophy of life.'
The Color Purple, by Alive Walker - due to its "troubling ideas about race relations, man's relationship to God, African history, and human sexuality."'
The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown - Banned in Lebanon after Catholic leaders deemed it offensive to Christianity
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury - Ironically, students in Irvine, Calif. received copies of the book with scores of words--mostly "hells" and "damns"--blacked out. The novel is about censorship.
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley - 'as "indecent, objectionable, or obscene".'
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell - ' because it uses the word "nigger."'
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck - 'because the book uses the name of God and Jesus in a "vain and profane manner along with inappropriate sexual references."'
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathon Swift -'denounced as wicked and obscene in Ireland'
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare
Huckleberry Finn, also by Twain - 'for the use of the word "nigger"'
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou - 'due to the poet's descriptions of being raped as a young girl'
James & the Giant Peach, also by Dahl - 'because the book contains the word "ass" and "promotes" the use of drugs (tobacco, snuff) and whiskey....and encourages children to disobey their parents and other adults.' (James's guardians were abusive, so he ran away)
King Lear, also Shakespeare -'Lear was performed in drastically adapted form--and boasted a happy ending in which Lear is restored to the throne and Cordelia survives.'
Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman - 'for the use of explicit language in some poems'
A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstein - 'because the book "enourages children to break dishes so they won't have to dry them."...and because some poems "glorified Satan, suicide and cannibalism, and also encouraged children to be disobedient."'
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, by CS Lewis - 'because it depicts "graphic violence, mysticism, and gore."'
Little House in the Big Woods and Little House on the Prairie, by Laura Ingalls Wilder - 'because it "promotes racial epithets and is fueling the fire of racism."' and 'because the book is "offensive to Indians."'
The Lorax, by Dr. Suess - 'because it "criminalizes the foresting industry."'
The Martian Chronicles, also by Bradbury - ' for profanity and the use of God's name in vain.'
The Merchant of Venice, also by Shakespeare - 'due to its portrayal of the Jewish character, Shylock'
My Friend Flicka, by Mary OHara - 'because the book uses the word "bitch" to refer to a female dog, as well as the word "damn."'
The Odyssey, by Homer - 'Caligula tried to suppress it because it expressed Greek ideals of freedom.'
Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut - 'because of "foul language, a reference to 'Magic Fingers' attached to the protagonist's bed to help him sleep, and the sentence: 'The gun made a ripping sound like the opening of the fly of God Almighty.' "'
Song of Solomon, also by Morrison - 'because it contains language degrading to blacks, and is sexually explicit.'
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee - 'because the book "represents institutionalized racism under the guise of 'good literature'."'
Twelfth Night, also by Shakespeare - 'because of a policy that bans instruction which has "the effect of encouraging or supporting homosexuality as a positive lifestyle alternative."'
Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - ' because the novel contains the word "nigger."'
Welcome to the Monkey House, also by Vonnegut - 'because the book promoted "the killing off of elderly people and free sex."'
Where the Sidewalk Ends, also by Silverstein -'because the book "suggests drug use, the occult, suicide, death, violence, disrespect for truth, disrespect for legitimate authority, rebellion against parents."'
Where's Waldo?, by Martin Handford - 'because there is a tiny drawing of a woman lying on the beach wearing a bikini bottom but no top.'

Kind of crazy. Remember, these are just the ones i've read- there are many, many more out there kept off the shelves and out of backpacks. Fight the good fight. Read to your kids.

Eyeballing that Bucket

My book club got to discussing many ponderous, deeply felt things (like 'cockles') last night and wandered onto the subject of memoirs and 'bucket lists' (a list of things you want to do before you die). Some were for the idea of such lists, others were opposed. Should we measure our lives by a list of things we've done rather than relationships? And why is it the listed items so often require unlimited funds and free time? Anyway, last year i made a list of things i've never done and want to acheive before i turn 30. i think it's a good list. Being that i turned 27 last week (what? you missed the press release and parade?) i decided to revisit my list.

-read Anna Karenina - BEGUN
-introduce someone to Patrick's Point - DONE
-throw a karaoke party
-become awesome at racquetball
-stand behind a waterfall
-have my name on a door - DONE (well, on a desk, but in my company it's all the same)
-grow flowers
-learn Italian
-convince someone to name their baby after me
-go to India
-get that tattoo
-learn to skip stones - DONE
-dive / cartwheel / whistle - 1/3 DONE (i'm quite the whistler)
-preach
-beat Josh at something - DONE
-donate blood / bone marrow - 1/2 DONE (turns out i'm A+, now on to that spinal tap!)
-finish writing a story
-see the Grand Canyon
-bungee jump
-sell a painting
-volunteer somewhere non-sectarian

Yikes. i have a long way to go. Maybe i should bungee jump into the Grand Canyon and then get a commemorative tattoo. i'm not sure i still want to do some of these things (racquetball?? i don't even know where that came fom) and i want to go to Alaska or Mazatlan moreso than India these days, so the list is fluid. Let me know if you want to come along on any of these endeavors.

*sigh*

It's really hard to wake up on the day after your birthday and realize that you're not special and won't be for another year.

letter to josh on his wife's birthday

Dear Josh,

i know what you're thinking, 'is this blog just one long letter-writing campaign now?', to which i reply 'shut up, you know i'm cyclically obsessive and right now, it's Letters.'

As you pointed out this morning when you got out of the shower and realized that i'd (accidentally!) given you the yellow towel i used to dry off the dog when i washed her earlier this week, today is my birthday. i know i mildly suggested you redesign our website in time for this auspicious occasion, but when i got home from (more) birthday shopping last night and found you had locked yourself in the office with a beer and an online poker game while both pets sat at the closed door worrying about you, i determined that perhaps your stress level was a bit high and that i should attain a level of patience about this whole website thing. So this is me. Being patient. You know how ill-suited i am for patience, so i would like to recommend that you only require my patience for as long as i need to Learn A Valuable Lesson and then you reward me by giving me what i want or need or merely want but think i need. Yeah, kinda like dog training, i'm not ashamed to admit it.

So, dear spousie, i'm letting you off the hook for now. Mostly because i feel really bad about giving you that gnarly dog hair towel when you were all scrubby clean and dripping wet.

Sincerely,

Your humble, understanding, patient, fabulous, old, rock star wife.

and here are some of the pictures

Classic Lizzie.
















i got so excited about the 49ers i accidentally swallowed my lower lip.












Press pause, go die of Cute Overload, then come back.

She's an excellent driver.

As if we'd leave San Fran without getting sundaes.

We went to San Francisco.

(Obviously.)

We visited Matt and Brenda and Lizzie and Wahoo and yet-to-be-born Addie, who are all there while Matt does something medical-y for a month. It was super, super, super, super fun. i could list all the things we did, which you'd skim over and promptly forget, or i could share this lovely anecdote with you.
Embarcadero. Lizzie in stroller, the rest of us desperately searching for breadbowls. Oddball guy, presumably homeless, approaches and waves at Lizzie.
Matt: "Say 'hi' Lizzie."
Oddball guy: "Hi Lizzie!" (tell me that's not hilarious! it gets better)
Oddball guy: "Hey there Lizzie Potato!"*
Then asks Matt for money.

*Certain members of our party believe Mr. Oddball actually said "Hey there Elizabeth Taylor!" The rest of the party members voted and Josh is wrong and he totally called her Lizzie Potato. Either way, it was weird and funny.
Josh took fantabulous pictures which i will post later this eve. i can tell you're very excited.

love letter to The City

Dear San Francisco,

i love you. Of all my city-crushes, you have the most longevity. i feel like we're childhood sweethearts. My first memory of you was when i met you on my 8th grade trip and you showed me Phantom of the Opera and boated me around Alcatraz and stuffed me with saltwater taffy and i took lots of pictures with Jamileh. (who, in fact, LIVES with you now, so how about that?!) i've been back many times hence. i can't stay away from you! Even when i lived far away in San Diego i was drawn to you and you provided a single hotel room for me and my 9 friends on our road trip. This is the force of my attraction to you, San Francisco: i have the audacity to bring my husband into our little escapades. i can't resist playing with fire! What else have you given me....oh, twice i've met up with Old Chum Chrystal within your Golden Gates, three Giants games in that Park To Beat All Parks, a rare and cute li'l victory for the 49ers, escapades with Erin, Matt and the Rostens, shopping, getting my hair did by Margaret with Other Kallie, shopping, flying out to Hawaii with the Moores, BARTing around with David, lunching with Korina, shopping, and most recently, strollering around with LizziePotato and Matt and Brendafer. You have such a lovely park, SF! i never knew that. Your balance of urban development and natural beauty is an impressive feat, and it's more than just that you're an island. How convenient was it that you offered a Japanese tea garden the day after i finish a huge novel about a Japanese tea house? Pretty clever SanFranny. You're the home of so many great things: The Pursuit of Happyness, The Mighty B, the hippie movement... there's no topping you! i admit that your being true-blue NorCal makes me love you even more, even if that's not fair to Portland. And oh- you have a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf! that just about closes the deal!! i like your towering hills, though i confess they frustrate me sometimes. i love the buzzy cable car sound and the bread bowls. You loom out there in the ocean like a spooky mirage, and there's no city like you. Oh Saint Frank, what are we going to do? i know you deserve more from me than occasional visits and professions of adoration, but you're a costly city to live in and i'm just such a fickle waif. i can only promise that you, first city of my heart, will forever remain such.

Yours in chocolate and chowder,

Kallie

things i determined this weekend

Wood paneling is the devil

i need much more bookshelving

White dogs are impossible to keep clean

i probably shouldn't wear a diamond ring while i paint

Watermelon is just as good as Hersheys bars

i need a studio to artify in; no space = no art

Pebble is my new favorite wall color

does anyone really fall for this stuff?

Behold: the scammiest e-mail in my junk folder to date....with my comments, of course.
____________
My name is Richard Cooper, I am emailing you on behalf of BellHouse Fabrics & Interiors, United Kingdom. I would like to know if you would like to work online from home and get paid without affecting your present job or even affecting your day-to-day activities of any kind, actually we need a representative who can work for our company as an Online Payment Processor. (i would like to know if you've ever heard of a run-on sentence Richard actually i would like to know if i am wondering if you're even British)

We are presently making waves in the United Kingdom & Northern Ireland fabric markets, (so, do you make waves or fabric? i'm confused) we intend expanding our business towards the United States of America by accepting orders from both individuals and companies within USA. We recently placed Ad's on online websites (you mean they have websites ONLINE now? nifty! i thought they were only on tree trunks) for sales of our fabrics and got a very good number of requests for our products,however it is against our company policy to accept International Payments such as : USA Certified Checks, USA Bank Wire Transfers, USA Money Orders (Don't you think you should've thought of that before you placeed the Ad's on the online internet websites?). Therefore, we are requesting your partnership to assist in receiving payments on behalf of our company.

We are willing to pay you 10% for every payment processed through you from our clients/customers who will pay for their products which are purchased from our secure website stated above (payments processed for customers who pay for their products purchased...sorry, i just had to write that out to follow along). These payments are coming from these clients within USA and will be sent to you directly from our customers, all you have to do is lodge and cash each payment (great, another loser payment looking for a few free weeks lodging on my couch, eating my food, and making a mess of my bathroom), deduct 10% and forward 90% to our Payment Processing Center via Western Union Money Transfer / MoneyGram Money Transfer. All sending fee's are to be deducted from our 90%, however you will be required to have a valid checking account in which our customers might request to make payment either via Wire Transfer (Bank to Bank Transfer) or either via Certified Check. (so... which are your customers: the italian mobsters who love fabric, the irish mobsters who love fabric, or the shady oil tycoons who love fabric?)

You do not require any special skills to work with our firm (just an open checking account and an empty frontal lobe), however in order to apply for this job you need to ensure you have access to your e-mail regularly and reply to our e-mails promptly. You will also need to provide us with a valid phone in which you can be reached at anytime in case of any special update (an example of a 'special update' is: "Kallie, this Roger Cooper-" "don't you mean Richard Cooper?" "What? oh yeah, whatever, Richard. Anyway, it's very important that you--" "Heyy, what happened to your British accent Richard?" "SON OF A! Would you just listen? Take the account number, drive to the airport, and wait by the California Pizza Kitchen until i call you okay? leave now!"), in order to accept this job kindly fill the form stated below :

Full Name : (include any previous names, preferred aliases and mother's maiden name)
Address :
City :
State :
Country :
Zip Code :
Phone Number :
Age : (only put 18 if you really could pass for 18 should anyone ask questions)
Current Occupation :
Bank Name:

P.S: You must have a valid checking account (uhh, ya, you mentioned that already) in which can be used to receive payments being sent from a customer, this might be via Wire Transfer or Direct Deposit (or brown paper wrapped package or stuffed inside a child's doll or taped to a brick thrown through your window).

Kindly get back to me ASAP by filling the form stated above, once i hear from you i will immediately send you a reply with further information.

Regards,

Richard Cooper. (oh, i didn't think you were legit until i saw that you put a period at the end of your name. Sign me up Richie!)

and by guidelines i mean demands

Dear JOSHUA,

Here is what i've come up with for guidelines in the redesign of this site. i think you have my cell phone number in case you have any questions. If not, you can call my mom and she'll give you my number because i know you two are secret 'whisper-about-kallie's-strange-insecurities-and- how-they-effect-you' buddies. Yeah. i've known for a while now.

Ø No fatty margins. I don’t want a medium-length post about my Hershey-bar-breakfast to look like the book of Deuteronomy because only 5 words fit on a line.

Ø YouTube postability please. It’s an essential way to force my humor on others.

Ø Photo-of-the-day section. The logic being that it will encourage us (which, let's face it, is really ME) to take more pictures, because eventually our friends will tire of being fully responsible for photodocumenting our lives.

Ø Suggested colors include grey and aubergine, or a combination of the two. Not necessary, but it might discourage me from painting every room of ‘your house’ (your words, not mine) grey. Just a reminder: these little obsessions of mine are not arbitrary- they are the result of me being a very stylish, on-trend lady and it is in your best interest to not resist them.

Ø Passage-of-the-week section. Of the Bible, you say? HA! No silly! Of fictional novels that I read and enjoy. It is my duty to Karl and Bettina to make use of their fine educating and until I determine how to do that, I will post paragraphs of wordy stuff on my bloggyblog.

Ø If you could figure out how to sell ad space and generate steady, humble income for all this gibberish, well, sir, i may be so thankful i just might cook you a meal!

That's all. Just a reminder, my birthday is in 20 days, but my mom probably already told you that when you two went shoe shopping together last week.

-Kal
---oh yeah - and a usable comments section, if you please.