ahhh, stereotypes

Over the weekend, we went to an automall and test drove a Toyota Matrix. The salesman who assisted us was very nice, patient, not pushy, soft spoken...all the things you WISH car salesmen were. His name was Al and he was from Pakistan.

When Al realized that we were not inclined to drive away that afternoon in a brand new car, he had his Sales Manager come talk to us. i don't remember Sales Manager Man's name, but let's call him JimmyBob, and he was obviously from the USA. JimmyBob was unctuous, impatient, and pushy. All the things car salesman ARE, and you wish WEREN'T.

While Al left to shoot the breeze, we sat in the little cubicle with JimmyBob discussing our vehicle situation. Since it was a day that ended in Y, the subject of fuel prices came up. JimmyBob expressed his frustration, relating a story in which he went to buy gas and it was $4.60 and the gas station attendant said at least it wasn't $4.75, like the station across the street. Harmless, pointless story right? Could've been replaced with the statement 'i dislike the current cost of fuel.' Except that if JimmyBob had just said that, he wouldn't have had the chance to 'quote' the gas station attendant using an awful middle eastern accent. (Yes. He did.) He, who only had us in there in the first place because his Pakistani sales associate was good at his job, used us and our whiteness to attempt camaraderie and make himself seem savvy and funny by being mildly discriminatory toward people of middle eastern ethnicity.

It was kind of nauseating.

We didn't buy the car, obviously. The plan is, if we decide we want it, to go back and deal only with Al, not with JimmyBob.

subliminal messages

Dearest Josh,

i think it would be a really good idea to re-do our Web site and doing so would make a smashing anniversary gift to me, since i'm the only one who ever posts. No seriously, i can't even remember the last time you posted in 3.5 years, which is fine, but it's looking a little 04' around here, you know? 2004 was a loooooong time ago. Back when John Kerry was going to be president and 'Return of the King' was named 'Like, bestest movie EVER!' by the Academy, Lance Armstrong rode away with Tour #6, Martha Stewart went to prison, the Red Sox were all "curse, schmurse!", Ray Charles, Marlon Brando, and Rick James all passed away, the Pacers and the Pistons got in a biiiig hair-pulling and eyeball-scratching fight, John Kerry was not the next president after all, the tsunami swallowed southeast Asia, and a tv show about a crashed airplane and a creepy island debuted with a cast of nobodies and i said to you "How much material can they really have to sustain that show? 'Stranded on a desert island' only lasts for so long" and you said to me "Ever heard of 'Gilligan's Island'?" and i said "No. My parents didn't get cable until i moved out, which obviously doesn't embitter me to this day." Remember? (internet, we totally had that EXACT conversation whilst a promo for Lost played in the background)
And while i appreciate that we obviously have a color preference, since the color of our blog is the same as our wedding party apparel was and is the same as our living room walls are and is the same color family as our two pets, i'm ready for something else for ol' webby. Maybe a grey-ish purple? Since i'm the only one who posts and since you rarely seem to actually READ this blog-with-your-name-on-it, i'm hoping maybe the re-design will come in time for my birthday or Christmas. i wouldn't wait too long if i were you, you know that i know how to use templates and i know how much vitriol you feel towards templates.

i'm just sayin.

Sincerely,

your wife ....and wikipedia.

The Purse

Now is as good a time as any (isn't that a strange phrase? American is a weird language) to tackle a long-overdue blog entry called 'GOOD LORD WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PURSE?' This hopes to be just as amusing/ appalling as my text message lists.

1 bottle of Aleve Liquigels (not the small travel kind either, the biggie with 80 dolls inside)
A still-wrapped drinking straw
Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion
7 Claritin
Orange bouncy ball
Green post-it reading: Simplicity 2968, 2995 Vogue 8411/8181 8468
Quarter sheet of paper masquerading as a to-do list (4/8 things left to do, in case you're wondering)
Little paper holder formerly containing Jack in the Box french fires
Hairbrush
3 spoons (not plastic spoons, the nice ones we registered for at Macy's. 1 of which is the giant serving spoon kind)
2 cd mixes; 1 called 'Christmas Mix 07, Office Version' and 1 called 'Regina Spektor & friends'
Sticker name tag from Best Companies to Work for In Shasta County breakfast
6 maximum strength Midol
2 gum wrappers
Ear buds
Tube of Neosporin
Video iPod
Scrap of paper reading: "Like Water for Chocolate, Lady in the Water, & The Ultimate Gift"
3 Aleve liquigels that managed to escape the bottle
2 lip gloss tubes
Dutch Bros punch card with 2 stamps
2 pay stubs
Antique ring-mirror
1 Comtrex Cold & Cough, expiration 10/2007
3 Reese's mini peanut butter cup wrappers
Half-full bag of Halls cough suppresants, belonging to Josselyn
Small spiral-bound Van Gogh calendar i bought to keep track of what i did that day. Last entry: April 6th.
Pack of Orbit bubblemint gum
Lipstick: Mary Kay's 'rose petal'
Blue wallet
Red cell phone
Purple toothbrush
Credit card, driver's license (no, of course they're not kept safely in the wallet!)
6 MORE maximum strength Midol in the other pocket
Small red travel case containing the following:
--Tide To-Go stain remover
--hand sanitizer
--lipstick: Almay's 'bronze 205'
--mirror
--toothpaste
--Carmex tube
--Blistex tube
--4 Band-Aids
--Chanel "Chance"perfume sample
--hair clip
--Burts Bees blemish stick
And finally, receipts (all from the first two weeks of April, oddly) for:
-Target, for returning a pleated skirt
-Carl's Jr
-Safeway: for Rolos, a mini pizza, a Dr. Pepper and 2 Healthy Choice Cafe' Steamers
-Target, for Heather Sanders' shower gifts, and some gum
-Target again, for clothes
-Chipotle
-Safeway: mascara, eyeliner, and cat food
-Walgreens

Well there you have it. You thought Boy Scouts were prepared! i could remove your appendix or treat your malaria using only items found in my purse! Let it be known that a previous purse, now retired, once enclosed all its usual contents, plus 2 In-n-Out burgers, two orders of fries, and 2 regular sized soft drinks (standing upright) and bore it all into the movie theater without a single spilled drop of pop or smashed fry. i'd like to see you do that with your wallet, sir.

The Mighty B

(sorry Bonnie, this post is not about you)

In my ever-increasing effort to become The Most Balanced, Well Rounded Person You Will Ever Meet, i've added a Nickelodeon show to my regular DVR recordings. (current subscriptions: Ebert & Roeper, Reno 911, Martha Stewart and various scripted offerings that are on summer hiatus) This cartoon gem is just about the best thing to happen to the color yellow since butterscotch candies. Go thee to your tv guide and find the next episode of THE MIGHTY B.

'The Mighty B' is the name of the imaginary superhero alter ego belonging to the one and only Bessie Higgenbottom, a 10yr old Honeybee Scout with giant glasses, a gnarly lateral lisp and a feverish drive to earn every available merit badge (there are something like 4,000). She also has the energy of a liter bottle of concentrated Red Bull. The best, best, best part about Bessie is that she was created and is voiced by The Funniest Blond Woman Ever To Walk Planet Earth: SNL's Amy Poehler. (i had to specify blond because you can't make me choose between her and Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig. i won't do it. Until i decide that would make a good blog. Then i will.)

Por ejemplo: in one episode, Bessie and her Honeybee pal Penny get addicted to crashing Bat Mitzvahs. Imagine the social profiling jokes that escape the younger viewers, it's pretty hilarious. Key quote: "Ok Penny, remember: if anyone asks, we are her cousins from Tel Aviv."

In another episode, Bessie becomes an investigatory journalist to scoop out the secret of her fellow Honeybee, Portia. If you didn't think it was possible for a children's cartoon to spoof the Oscar-winning Watergate film, 'All the President's Men', you were wrong.

Bessie also beat-boxes her way onto a roller coaster, teaches her dog to ballroom dance, and decides she has ESP. If you've ever seen the SNL sketches where Poehler plays the little kid 'Caitlin' ("Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!") you'll have a good idea of the mania that identifies Bessie. Plus, the animation is 'Ren & Stimpy'-esque, so it's pretty nutty.

My explanation doesn't do it justice because there are a thousand subtle jokes in every episode and i can't capture the pages-long diatribes that Bessie delivers at hyper-speed. Asians, dog shows, stage-moms, carnies, you name it: this show lovingly digs at it. Oh, and it's set in San Francisco! NorCal pride!

Go watch it. Now. Or come to my house because i have them all saved on the DVR.

priorities

A peep into an evening with your favorite Markles.

Kallie is on the couch surfing the interweb and watching a special on BBC America called 'Transvestite Wives' and thinking 'why oh why oh why don't the Brits go to the orthodontist? i mean good grief!' Penny is asleep at her feet, Cosmo is having a tryst with the couch pillow next to her. Behind her is the mess of easel, dropcloth, and tubes of paint scattered around two paintings rushed into creation to replace the beloved ones given away. Josh is buzzing around like his busy-bee self paying bills and preparing to sell his Treo and digital camera on e-bay, occasionally stopping to pick at the big ugly scab on his knee from a soccer game the week before.

Eventually they meet in the office (where the clean laundry has taken up residence) to go over the June obligations: 6 birthdays, 2 weddings, 8 soccer games, 2 trips to Sacto, 1 book club mtg, 1 mid-week church meeting, 1 bridal shower, 1 anniversary, and 1 major movie premiere.

well now i'm just confused.

i received two text messages last night from two friends who live in different cities, have never met, but both have relatively good taste when it comes to the arts.

First: "Everyone has to go see Indiana Jones right now because it's freaking amazing!!!"

Then: "indiana jones was BAD. it pains me more than you know to have to say that."

Sooooo, now what? The SciFi channel was showing Indy marathons last week and i was reminded of just how infectious that darn theme music is. Other observations included "Oh my stars i forgot how awful 'Temple of Doom' truly was." and "Oh my stars i forgot how truly fun 'Last Crusade' was."

Oh Indy. How you toy with my heart.

my movie meme

from Charlie. (a meme consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.)

1. One movie that made you laugh
     The 40 Year Old Virgin
2. One movie that made you cry
     Mystic River
3. One movie you loved when you were a child
     The Three Amigos
4. One movie you’ve seen more than once
     The Red Violin
5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it
     She's The Man
6. One movie you hated
     21
7. One movie that scared you
<-- The Shining 

8. One movie that bored you 

     Good Night & Good Luck 

9. One movie that made you happy 

     Tea With Mussolini 

10. One movie that made you miserable
     Atonement
11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see
     Farhenheit 9/11
12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with
     Tony Stark
13. The last movie you saw
     Iron Man 
14. The next movie you hope to see
     The Dark Knight
15. Your favorite movie
     Big Night-->

The Pen

Here are more picturess of our 4-legged crack-up. Her latest amusement: over a week ago we changed the sheets on our bed, and since the hamper was already overflowing, we naturally left the dirty sheets in a pile on the floor. They're still there because she loves to roll around in them, snorting and flopping and generally looking insane.

As usual, these visual feasts come courtesy of Jesse and Lyn, without whom our lives would be completely undocumented.

It's all connected, like a web. ...Oh, i get it now!

This isn't news, but the internet is a magical place, folks. Your particular foible can find it's international audience, people you'll never meet can know all about your eating habits, and you can sell a piece of toast with the blessed virgin's face on it.
In an effort to increase the interconnectedness of everything and bring balance to the universe while i belly dance with crystals and wear hemp, here is a list of people we're pleased to know and sites to which we are pleased to go. (in alphanumberic order) (now raise your hands if you thought, 'kallie really thinks it's pronounced/spelled 'numberic'!??) (everyone with their hand up sucks) Whatever. Let me know if i missed anything or if there's a site i must know about.

Betsy Lance
blog:: good for: intelligent musings, booklists
for reals site:: good for: pretty pictures and good design
-
Charlie Pardue "Thinking out loud about life, ministry, theology, film and discipleship."
good for: debating the worth of Spiderman, thought provoking questions, reviews of the latest theology books
-
Chris & Cassie "Safety never takes a vacation"
good for: facts about professional bicycling, fun journeys 'round the globe, east coast musings
-
Colbert Nation
good for: all things Stephen Colbert, who is the funniest person on the planet.
-
Daily Chuck
good for: cool pictures of cool dogs belonging to a total stranger (that friends, is the power of the web.)
-
David Overholt
Good for: examining the oddities of life, nifty pictures, artytechy stuff, trying to remember what it is David's studying and what ITP stands for
-
Design*Sponge
Good for: creative inspiration, ideas, lusting for things i can't afford
-
Derren Raser
good for: great music
-
Ebert & Roeper
good for: movie reviews, from the latest release to balcony archives going back 20 years
-
FOUNDmagazine
good for: amusing, odd notes, grocery lists and photos people find lying around and send in. Includes a new Find every day.
-
FreeRice
good for: increasing your vocabulary while donating rice to the UN World Food Program to help end world hunger.
-
GoFugYourself "fugly is the new pretty"
good for: very funny commentary on the latest atrocity worn by the latest celebrity
-
Jason & Winter "We sure are cute for two ugly people."
good for: cool tunes, hilarity, links to fantastic sites
-
JenkinsRUs
good for: updates on Rachel, Jason and Taylor and pics of the bluest baby eyes you'll ever see
-
Lyn & Jesse
blog::good for: fantabulous videos and pictures (many of which feature yours trulies)
for reals site:: good for: bitchin' videos of the advertising persuasion and other misc. purpose
-
Matt & Bren
good for: updates and pictures of Little Miss Awesome
-
Mipa Lee
good for: creative inspiration, great design and illustration (Mipa is a friend of Betsy's)
-
Petfinder
good for: um, finding pets, also finding local recue organizations, articles on pet care, and more
-
Postsecret
good for: fascinating and sometimes heartbreaking secrets on postcards that people mail to a random guy in Maryland, posted every Sunday.
-
Television Without Pity "spare the snark, spoil the networks"
good for: witty recaps of your favorite shows
-
What Claudia Wore "A look into the closet of Stoneybrook's most fashion-forward babysitter"
good for: clever rehashings of those Babysitters Club books you loved so much in junior high, specifically, the fashion creations of your favorite character, Claudia Kishi.
-
YouTube "Broadcast yourself"
good for: ....if you don't know what YouTube is good for then go there and do a search "water slide doberman", "dramatic chipmunk", "backflip jeans" or "korean baby hey jude" for examples of its majesty

look who's all growed up

Let it be known that on this eighth day of the month of May, year of our Lord two thousand and eight, Travis Roy Baker; alias Oatmeal; alias Ed Fiscal; alias Cynical NonBeliever; rocker of the Macgyver mullet, head gear, and transition-lense glasses with spandex head strap; player of Micro Machines and kazoos; dyer of hair; performer of plays and impressive magical feats; writer; repeated dater of younger sister's friends; wearer of tiny cowboy hat and matching boots; once-rumored Buddhist; editorializer; cafeteria worker; reader of Clavin & Hobbes and Vonnegut and many Piers Anthony paperbacks; firstborn and last boy; master and owner of Newt (r.i.p.); eventual graduate; worshipper of Star Wars; beer can Christmas tree decorater; executioner of teddy bears and Barbies; concealer of tattoos; attempted enabler of sister-drunkenness; pourer of orange juice; scholar; breaker of motor vehicle laws; giver of logs as Christmas gifts to naïve siblings; subsequent teacher to siblings to not be so naïve next time; anonymous critic of Jim De Saegher; former Giant Eyeball; associate producer of epic junior high cinema; road tripper; broker of suspicious trades; son of Big Time and Sherrilyn; brother of Kallie and Bonnie; brother in law of Josh and Andy; special friend to Amber; has marked thirty consecutive years of life and is entitled to all accompanying honor and derision.

just a Friday reminder::

You will never be younger than you are today.

DUDE.

(we've all done it- distractedly left something important sitting idly while we rush on unawares, but seriously! Really Philippe? REALLY??)

Musician reunited with $4M violin he left in N.J. cab
Grammy-nominated violinist has been reunited with a $4 million violin he left in the back of a cab.

Philippe Quint exited a minivan cab at New York City's Battery Park early Monday, leaving the 1723 Antonio Stradivari "Ex-Keisewetter" inside.
The violin spent the remainder of the night on the seat of the cab, which owner Mohamed Khalil parked on a Newark street. By the morning, he was still unaware of what he was carrying.
By then, the frantic Quint was calling the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, and Newark's Taxi Commission, which put the word out that the violin was missing.
On Monday afternoon, Khalil checked his taxi while at Newark Liberty International Airport and discovered the violin case with the instrument inside.
Quint soon arrived, dropped to his knees and shed tears of joy.

texts. the saga continues.

-Maybe so. Wiry hair?

-Kgpdmwwtajg.tkag.adtjamwtjt

-i just heard an avril song on the radio, i always think about how told me that jason loves her. It makes me smile.

-what's the book We're reading for club this month? i just remember some long author's name that no one could pronounce but you.

-(i promise i won't be a psycho neighbor and stalk her)

-Full on drum set or something like tymphani? (haha! someone thinks i know what a thimpyni-thingy is.)

-i'm watching two squirrels attacking each other at the park. small cute furry animals are VICIOUS!!

--i hope they don't realize i have kettle chips. i bet they wouldn't heitate ripping my throat apart for some tuscan three cheese.

---oh no ive lost sight of one of the squirrellys. am i being distracted? they don't hunt like raptors do they?

----oh wait. i spotted him. he is chewing on a sprinkler pipe. chewing like a raptor that is.

-----they went up a tree. im sensing an aerial strike.

-i'm literally teething, kallie. and oragel tastes nasty.

-this is all most definitely going in our screenplay.

-Well PTL!

-Mischief of the most brilliant kind.

-Iphone says thankyou

-May i come borrow mr drill motor?

-can lyn borrow you ironing board?

-I wish you would guppy up and get your pooch on so i could take her for walks!

-That will be enough of YOUR lippy!

-And That's serious because the Academy will take your film equipment away for that shit.

-whitneys still alive? its a miracle!

-Google says To Much To Handle.

-my hands smell like baby.

-its all secret files! dont show anyone!!

-"i've been using pretty much 1 new word a week, but i forget them." -just overheard from NYU undergrad girl

-I hear desmond and faraday have a passionate gay sex scene tonight. Faraday asks desmond to be his constant and bam...They are at it like 2 cowboys in the montanna mountains after a long day of hearding sheep

-I can do that, i'll whisper her to the best of my abilities!

-Doggy?

-there was a shrink on the island??? where has she been this whole time?! so much could have been avoided!

-tim riggins' dad! and also, juliet's boobs!

-No so much smarty now huh

-Go go gadget paws

-this apple tastes like green onions.

-Steak me

-She's not a dude! She's kinda cute... So we'll see what happens.

-i get annoyed being around really "nice" people. they are corny and not witty, and therefore boring.

-We doing naps and then maybe cookies later

-have fun with that bleh

-i want a job where i just ride a lawnmower at the park all day.

-you know what they should make? deodorant that smells like freshly cut grass.

-what color eyeshadow do you wear to meet tami taylor?!?!

-You should run over and see the cutest mt puppy... Tylers parents

-a waterbra. HA! i kid! something homemade and awesome, natch.

-i have NINE lip balms/glosses in mt purse right now. NINE. no one needs that much lip gloss. not even angelina jolie. and she's got more real estate to cover than anyone!

-happy easter! the chocolate-filled easter bunny is risen!

-a last just came into this 99cent Chinese food restaurant yelling that french fries gave her diharrea all night...What did she expect?!?

-Cupcake week on martha!

-i said REJOICE WITH ME!!!!

-the tudors is so boring this season! its all "separation from rome" and no sex!! 

-Did you mean Jer Shuggiebear Skatemaster?

-Bahaha! A neat face!

-agreed! can marc come too? we need a gay best friend too dont we? to tell us what not to wear etc....

-god i HATE meredith grey.

-Yeah!! Ass kicker!

-i declare today pat benetar day. 

do it

Make a list of your top 50 songs. Out of that, make a list of the top 15. Out of that, rank the top 10 in order of topmostest to less topmostest.

Don't get hung up on criteria like whether it represents the best music has to offer or 'does this cover version count?' or 'classical music included?' or 'excluding religious songs?' or 'can i have 49 Radiohead songs and one Britney Spears song?' or anything like that. Just name your top 50 songs. Simple as that. You can have varying reasons for why a song is on your list, it's totally personal. You don't have to defend any of your choices, so go ahead, put Clay Aiken on there!

Don't do it overnight. A list like this takes rumination. Start with your favorite artists, albums, maybe your favorite movie and work from there. This is not your version of 'the 50 greatest songs ever made' nor is it your life's soundtrack, though elements of both will most likely be present. It is purely the 50 songs you like the most. If you don't have 50, make a list of 30. Rank your top 10 though...you must. Why? because. Those are the rules.

Check back in a few days. i'll have my list and you must share yours. Those are the rules.

You're peanut butter and jealous.

This is Ruby, to whom belongs our friends Josselyn and Deven, and she lives just over the river from us so we get to see her frequently. In addition to being heartbreakingly cute, she is, like so many parents THINK their children are (but who really aren't), a genius and a comedian and a visionary. No really, it's true. i want to become (no, not HAVE, become) a baby just so i can make her my babybff and we can be awesome babies together and take the world by storm. First step, overthrow the Pampers corporation, one box at a time.

funny pets

Just to be that annoying couple who think their mongrols are God's gift to the planet: our two pets are pretty funny. Penny is currently curled up on a pile of clean laundry, and every time the baby cries on the movie we're watching (yes, the pile of laundry is in the living room) she sits up and rotates her head around really oddly. She also occasionally runs to the window to stare at the white pit bull who always reaches the window at the exact second she does, and just so happens to look and move exactly like her. Cosmo just finished making sweet love to a couch pillow then passed out asleep only to wake up, belch, and fall back asleep. 

i just can't stop myself

It's that time of year again: the season of sports betting and chest thumping.
Much like my gradual take-over of the Lucky Lady Fantasy Football league, i'm climbing the victory ladder in our office March Madness bracket mayhem. My irconclad selection system went something like this (for better or worse):
"USC fans are bit nutty, so i'm choosing Kansas."
"Xavier is a cool enough name to carry them to the Final 4, for sure."
"Josh didn't let me name the dog Memphis, so they're going to the championship."
"I don't know what UMBC stands for, so they can't be that good."
"So-and-so would never shut up about Gonzaga, and she bugged me, so they're not making it out of the first round."

So far that technique has propelled me to 2nd place (and no, it's not out of 2 people) so if "North Carolina? why not! John Niemeyer seems to like them, and he's tall" does what it's supposed to do, i just may be the golden goddess of sports and Josh will be taking my lucky butt to Vegas real soon.

and on that note

Let's continue the theme of popular culture doing everything it can to give girls more eating disorders and body image issues. Today we find out from ew.com that Random House is reissuing 12 books from the Sweet Valley High series that my chums and i all DEVOURED in junior high. When the first Sweet Valley High book was published in 1983, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, identical twin heroines of the soon-to-be wildly popular teen fiction series, were described as blonde, beautiful, and a "perfect size 6." Now bid welcome to a new, thinner, Sweet Valley High: Random House is reissuing the books with a few small editorial tweaks. The twins' "perfect size 6" has been reduced to a "perfect size 4." Kudos, Random House, for not only introducing body-image issues to a whole new generations of young fans, but proudly trumpeting this point in the press release.

Really, Random House? REALLY? You actually believe that shrinking some already-below-average-weight teen heroines is going to sell enough additional copies to make it worthwhile to promote these kinds of ideals? Shame on you. And God help our daughters.

Brava!

There is a website that i love, the title and concept of which may raise an eyebrow or two, but it's harmless silliness. It's called Go Fug Yourself, and it's a blog that pokes good clean fun at the ugly things worn by people who are basically paid ungodly amounts of money to look beautiful. (Be advised: right now the Fug Girls are in the midst of their March Madness brackets, so the site's a little crazy.) The girls also write a fashion column for New York Magazine, and their latest is an excellent look at the habit of major fashion magazines to do annual 'shape' issues, pat themselves on the back, and then promptly banish all models who weigh triple digits from their building for the next 11 months. They're excellent writers, deftly balancing humor and legitimate point of view and i highly recommend this particular installment. Read the full column here, or an exerpt:

Despite presumably good intentions, the shape issue feels more like Vogue trying to bum a ride on a politically correct bandwagon, and our girl Anna Wintour is a particularly lousy hitchhiker. Her editor’s letter boldly blames designers for using scrawny models to present “a non-vivacious, homogenous ideal,” then steps all over that, in its attempt to homogenize zaftig designers Kate and Laura Mulleavy of Rodarte by offering them a free 4-month diet and exercise plan — or, as Vogue puts it, “what some might consider a dream proposition.” Sure, some might; others might consider it rude. Vogue claims it wants them to gain “peace of mind and the energy to prosper;” the Mulleavys bluntly say Vogue thought they should lose weight.... Because it peddles fashion and fantasy better than anyone, these clumsy attempts to soften up just feel as patronizing and ham-handed as a Very Special Episode of Blossom.

peeptastic!

Just when you're losing faith in humanity, something like this pops (or peeps?) up.

PEEPS SHOW II

The second annual Sunday Source Peeps Diorama Contest, sponsored by the Washington Post, drew more than 800 sugar-filled entries from our readers. Here, the 37 best creations. You'll especially want to see the interpretations of Ghostbusters, A Christmas Story, pop art and the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

mmm, kibble

Go to THIS SITE.

Click the purple box.

Done.

You just donated food to a rescued animal! You didn't have to give your name or email, it didn't cost a cent, and it took 10 seconds. 20 if you have dial-up.
Fun, huh?

Now do it again.

Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Make it your homepage or one of your favorites and re-visit often!

Please, God (....or Satan?), NO.

Michael Bay may spawn a new 'Rosemary's Baby'
'Rosemary's Baby' may soon get an evil twin. Paramount has partnered with Michael Bay's production company Platinum Dunes to develop a remake of Roman Polanski's 1968 classic, about a young woman unwittingly impregnated with the devil's child. The original, of course, starred Mia Farrow and won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Ruth Gordon. Although Polanski doesn't have any contractual control over a new version, Paramount has reached out to the director for his blessing, according to a studio insider. "We certainly come to [the project] with trepidation because of how important [the original] film is," says Dunes partner Brad Fuller. "But we're going to see if there's a great way to tell that story." To that end, Fuller and co-is currently taking pitches from screenwriters around town. Fuller doesn’t expect that Bay, currently set to helm 'Transformers 2' for summer 2009, will direct this Baby.

------

Let's break this down, shall we? You have the original film, based on Ira Levin's literary gem, directed by Roman Polanski, the Oscar-winner behind Chinatown and The Painist. It's a masterful classic, a slowly unfolding horror realized through subtle, Oscar-winning performances. Then you have Michael Bay. Producer du jour of such cinematic feats as The Island, Bad Boys II, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and of course, my personal point of loathing, Transformers. With Bay at the helm, even if he's not in the director's chair, naive waif-wallflower Rosemary, played so well by Mia Farrow, will be played by the latest red-lipped bimbo (or worse, Ashlee Simpson). Instead of a 60's housewife, Rosemary will be cop working undercover as something wholly unbelieveable, like a spaceship mechanic, and her husband, Guy, played in this version by the terribly miscast (and beefed up) Justin Long, hoping to make that painful leap from comedy to drama, will be a rogue arms dealer instead of a struggling stage actor. Instead of Tanis Root as the devil's drug, the senior citizen coven will use Rufis, and Rosemary and Minnie will have a showdown at the abortion clinic, instead of Bergdorf's, just for added effect. There will be car chases, maybe a speedboat chase, someone will get knifed in the eye, there will be a vague reason for Guy to go into a strip club, and Rosemary's gal pals will all be changed to campy gay men. The Prince of Darnkess, who makes a very brief, fractured appearance in the original, will have several scenes in this version. Ro's horned babydaddy will of course be played by a foreign actor, Russian, or Middle Eeastern.

How'd i do?

Perhaps Ira Levin's 'novel' was really a true story, and there really was a woman impregnated with Satan's baby, and instead of naming the li'l demon Adrian, she named it Michael....

Just conjecture.

a penny saved

We adopted a dog! She'd had a bad owner who was taken to court for starving and neglecting her, and she was put in the pound while the deadbeat was on trial. While in the pound she either met the love of her life or was very unkindly violated (it's unclear as to which since she was not keeping a diary at the time), but she had 8 puppies. The pound was going to euthanize her and her pups, but Save A Dog Today, a local rescue group, found them all foster and permanent homes. She'd been living with her very nice foster mom in Red Bluff for the last year, just enjoying life with the other foster dogs, the cats and the goats.

Now, she's ours! We've named her Penny, she's about 2 years old, a pit bull/bulldog mix, and is a great dog. She's a little shy, especially around men, but she loves Josh and i to pieces. She's very well-behaved, enjoys chilling out on her dog bed, getting belly scratches, and chasing lizards, and came with some very cool dance moves. She is very pretty and has a great smile. My grandpa says we need to take a sharpie and draw eyebrows on her, but i think we'll save that for Halloween. She's a great walking buddy, although a bit of a scardycat sometimes. She's only mildly interested in Cosmo, which confuses and insults him to no end, since he's used to Kahlua's unhealthy obsession with him. In typical bull-breed fashion, she sneezes backwards, so it's more of a bizarre snort than a sneeze, and we're still getting used to that sound and the idea that it's only a sound, with no spewing substances accompanying. She snores a bit, too, and it's funny. She's a great size, not too big but still beefy enough to hug and she's very soft and doesn't seem to shed. She's a very easy-going dog, happy to nap while we read or watch tv and has kept the barking-at-our-neighbors to a minimum. Come meet her! She's family now!

Sidebar: some people were justifiably concerned about us adopting a dog (much less a pit bull) rather than getting a puppy. We spoke extensively with Penny's foster mom, met the 2 of them at Petco, and had a home visit before any decisions were made. We were very impressed with SADT and the commitment they have to making good matches, not just getting the dogs adopted. We recommend that anyone considering adopting use a similar approach. Getting a sense of who's been 'parenting' your dog while it awaits its home is just as important as liking the dog itself. Also, Penny came to us in great health, is fixed, up to date on all shots and vaccines, and is microchipped. Even after spending money on a bed, crate, leash, and other accessories, her adoption fee only covered a fraction of the regular vet bills one would incur with a puppy. That being said, if you're looking to adopt, use Petfinder. It's a great database of all kinds of pets looking for homes all over the country. Just select what you're looking for and enter your zip code, and then just try to resist all the cute furry faces waiting for you in your town. Or, if you're NOT planning on adding an animal to your brood, consider making a donation to a rescue organization in your area. They're usually non-profit (ie, tax deductible) and are run by good, hard working people. Sermon over.

ummm, where's my chicken dinner? cuz i'm a WINNER.

Just a quick note to gloat: during the very first episode of Project Runway, Josh and i made our final 3 and winner predictions. i was 100% right. This, following my uncanny Fantasy Football victory, officially constitutes a streak, folks. Look out, world! i'm headed to Vegas!
Also, congrats to Princess SkinnyPants Wunderkind on his victory and to Rami and Jillian for their very strong showings.

now there's a headline you don't read every day

STEPHEN KING, JOHN MELLENCAMP TEAM UP FOR MUSICAL
– Stephen King has written the script for Ghost Brothers of Darkland County, a stage musical scored by John Mellencamp. The production will open at Atlanta's Alliance Theatre in April 2009 with the aim of an eventual Broadway run. The production is being described by the theater as ''a sultry Southern gothic mystery with a blues-tinged, guitar-driven score.'' The story is about the deaths of two brothers and a young girl and the legend that grows out of the tragedy. The concept came from Mellencamp, who said he heard the tale years ago in his hometown of Seymour, IN.

text messages in my phone

(you're probably thinking 'how can she have these lists so frequently?" the answer is twofold. i can go thru 30 texts in a day, and i have some very funny people on the other end of the line.)

-I told her that all depends on if you believe life begins at conception
-I Fwd'd that to a single girl i know & she found the information neither funny or useful. In fact she called me a bitch. You try to help a friend...
-So would you like the honor me being my valentine?
-Yeah and stupid mesh hat
-Holy poop rats where will you in now?
-There Will Be Three Hours Of Nothing Happening
-Who is this tiger-loving namesake?
-Bonnie (a mystery text from...you guessed it, Bonnie)
-Our house is open if you need a place to not perish.
-If you eat onions, your breath is nabbage!
-i'm a playa playa
-Are you saying michael Jackson is a gov. Built robot designed to molest little boys to distract us from the war?
-Where is the poem to prove it, huh? HUH?
-Yes but you had a crush on every boy. So he doesnt even make a blip.
-You should come down here for the va-j-j monologues next weekend!
-you're joking right? all Tom Petty does is smoke weed. my parents took us to see him when i was 15 (max was 9. ha! and he knew all the words), and he lit up on stage.
-I decided that cleaning the litter box is like gold panning for poo and pee.
-let us rejoice in our 12 year old boynish! boyishness? boesqueicity?
-Hope possweiler didn't scare them on the way out.
-we will have to call it "i aint done nothin wrong yer honor" cuz that's all i heard today.
-Aww man! You made me giggle in the quiet part!
-Kgpdmwwrajg.tkag.adtjamwtjt
-jason schwartzman has a sexy voice. i want to have babies with it.
-see! it's not just me and the gays!
-I'm almost as excited as I willie on my wedding night!
-Well yeah, you have to look past the little piles of poo in order to take advantage of the zen garden litter box. Doy.
-they will probably have robots that will prepare, chew and digest their food for them. just a guess.
-Oops that was meant for my friend kallie
-who knew flying hamsters were so hard to control?
-Hahah! Sorry meow meow kitty meow meow
-you would be amazed at the amount of stomach contents i just left in the parking lot after watching cloverfield.
-false alarm. it wasn't a real dog.
-I wish that man was straight! Love him!
-I'm really good at pouring orange juice.
-if beds ever become obsolete i will cry myself to sleep. oh wait....dammit future!
-Drop Josh and then we'll consider if you can hang with us.
-Who the crap is chocopie?
-Oh i won't- i keep my vagina in a secret oak treasure chest under my bed.
-i don't nothin bout birthN No penis
-Charlie has a peepee! When can we cut it off?!
-We're going to see I Am Legend at 4:30. You and Lyn need to decide if you've got the balls to see it or if your gonna go see the Little Mermaid instead.
-If by weird you mean awesome then yes.
-i hate high schoolers. don't they know how dumb they are? (this was from a high school teacher, naturally)
-i hear God is pooing snow on you. (from an east coast friend, received on a sunny day)
-Janet has a roomba and it scares the HELL out of me. so i just keep thinking "what do u expect mother?! i'm half machine!"
-I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Yay for boobies!
-man alive. (spouse's) grandparents really know how to bring the boring.
-happy ludrichristmas!! i'm sad to say that santa did NOT bring me a spider pig...
-Hope you scored with santa. Wait not like that
-The JW's are in the hood, don't answer your door!
-Nothing like a 4 hour drive in the snow hungover
-Definately, probably!
-Do you have Markles Address?
-Are we going to fly go your private jet to go see it...don't tease me like that.
-No way! I didn't know that dog could shoot lasers!

movie review

Gone Baby Gone

starring Casey Affleck, Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman

This film, Ben Affleck's writing and directing debut, is a very close adaptation of Dennis Lehane's book of the same title. (Lehane also wrote the book Mystic River, which Clint Eastwood turned into a masterful film.) i read the book in advance, looking forward to the movie, so that comparison informs much of my opinion. (and means this will be extra long)

First, a spoiler-free synopsis: Patrick (Casey Affleck) and his girlfriend Angie (Michelle Monaghan) are private investigators in Dorchester, a salty suburb of Boston. They grew up there, know the neighborhood and its characters. When 4yr old Amanda disappears from her bed in the middle of the night, her aunt convinces Patrick & Angie to use their 'local angle' to aid in the police's search. Amanda's mom, Helene (Amy Ryan), is not the pitiable, easy-to-swallow soccer-mom victim that the media usually casts in these cases. She's crass, she has substance abuse problems, she'd left Amanda alone in the house when the kidnapping happened...she doesn't make it easy on anyone. Capt. Jack Doyle (Freeman) is himself the parent of a child who went missing and has made his career crusading against such crimes. He's irritated by Patrick & Angie's involvement and sticks them with Detectives Bressant (Harris) and Poole. Patrick & Angie quickly use their personal connections to make inroads in the case, but it gets more murky and frustrating the further in they get.

What's really striking about this film is the authenticity of the peripheral characters, extras, setting, etc. Both Afflecks and Lehane grew up in Boston, so there isn't a false ring anywhere. Aside from the aforementioned actors, everyone else in this film seems pulled right out of the fabric of Dorchester and put in front of the camera doing exactly what they would've been doing had a film crew not rolled into town. Really, Dorchester itself is as much a character as Patrick or Helene. The standout performances come from Casey Affleck, Amy Ryan and Ed Harris. Affleck's Patrick is a shifting mix of the hard shell from a lifetime spent in Dorchester and from working as a PI, and the conflicted innocence of being young and always just at arm's length from the Worst Of It. Obviously the accent and speech patterns are natural to him, but you don't find yourself thinking 'well, it's really nice that this is the actor's native 'tongue'', you just see Patrick in his element. Unfortunately, Michelle Monaghan's Angie wasn't given much to do besides stand behind Patrck and look very sad. i've liked Monaghan in other movies (she was great in North Country) and it's not that she's not great here, but she just wasn't written the way Lehane wrote her in his novel. i got the impression they just didn't have time for it. Amy Ryan's Helene is deservedly nominated for a supporting actress nomination. She's unsavory, hard, selfish and may look alot like people at your hometown WalMart or who you went to high school with. But she's also in over her head and coming to grips with what kind of mother she's been to Amanda. It's a really complete performance; i don't know if she's a 'character actor' or not, but it was that level of fullness. While Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman are always reliable, Freeman's role is smaller and doesn't require as much. Harris' Det. Remy Bressant is compelling, and i felt like it was his best work in a while. i don't know if others will agree, but i think he really embodied the character Lehane crafted so well in his book.

This is not a feel-good movie. Lehane drew upon his experience working with abused children to give a glimpse into their world that is a punch in your gut and hurts all the more because you know it's just a drop in a very deep, very wide bucket. The screenwriters made only minor changes to the cast and story, and did the best they could, but it felt a little rushed, which is almost always the case when you compare novel to film. The moral question posed at the end was more dividing in the book version, but i think the film still does a good job of posing it. As the tagline says: "Everyone wants the truth...until they find it." (i'd really love to discuss the end, but i don't want to spoil it. If you see it, let's discuss.) Even though it's not fair to compare first-timer Ben Affleck with seasoned craftsman Clint Eastwood, i'm going to say Mystic River was a better adaptation, but lacked the city-as-character quality in the way that Affleck accomplished.

All in all, an arresting, well-acted film that serves as both a love note and a garish reality check.

4 magic words

THE STRIKE IS OVER.

Hooray! Come back to me, Dwight, Betty, Liz Lemon and co.! The Frasier reruns can only do so much.

a poem i'd forgotten i'd written

assumptions on snow


snow is a bed is a meal is a pile
of sweet clean laundry i don't
have to fold it's a roll
an embrace and a reason for things
it's not the sea
snow is straightforward complexity
an escape and monotony
it's paint for the trees
and turpentine for the leaves
snow hates cats and cactus
it loves oysters but never met one
it's a network of idolators
and a zealot's release.

rant

What's worse than a person who doesn't turn their cell phone ringer off as instructed, and therefore interrupts the sermon/movie/wedding/etc with their inevitably-onboxious, electronic version of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"/"Fergalicious"/ "Chopin Waltz No. 5"? THE 2ND PERSON TO DO SO. That's what i don't get. Maybe the first person was rushing to arrive on time, forgot to silence the phone, didn't know they even had their phone in their purse...whatever. But after it goes off, shouldn't everyone else in the space be reminded of the proper etiquette and think either, a: "i'm so glad i turned my ringer off! yay me!" b: "hmmm, i don't know if my phone is silenced, i should double check to spare these other nice people further disruption." or c: "oh my, i ignored the first three admonishments to silence my phone, i guess i'd better do it now." ??? i'm losing faith in humanity. The other day Betsy and i were at the movies and not only did a lady ANSWER her cell in the middle of the film ("HI, I'M IN THE THEATER, I CAN'T TALK. (apparently she didn't truly believe that) NO, I'M IN THE THEATER. I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK. OKAY. OKAY. BYE."), but not 5 minute went by before another person's phone rang. i just don't get it.

Once i attended a performance of Macbeth presented by the Ashland Shakespeare Festival, held in one of the smaller theaters, situated in the round. There were several reminders for all patrons to silence their phones. Lo and behold, at the most pivotal moment, the facedown of Macbeth vs Macduff, a phone erupted in a most awful 'cheerful' song. This was only half the crime: this poor excuse for a sentient being LET IT RING 9 TIMES. i thought the ushers were going to poo a brick, they were furiously scanning the crowd for the culprit and one in particular looked like he would haul off and pummel the phone's owner, right there in the row. Of course, all suspension of disbelief was snapped: the scene fell totally flat even though the actors, consummate professionals, didn't even miss a beat. i need to believe that there's a special ring of hell determined for that playgoer and other cell phone offenders.

And since we're on the celly subject, don't text message in the movie theater. It's like waving around a flashlight. You think you're sneaky, but you're not. The next person to do it owes me $9.50.

Today is a dark day, my friends.

i only today was informed that my favorite, favorite burrito-serving establishment, Taco Del Mar, went out of business. i love no burrito so much as theirs and i am at a loss as to how fulfill my weekly requirements of mexican-type foodstuffs. RIP, Taco Del Mar and your weird fishy mascot, Karl.

Also, i discovered this morning that my endodontist is stalking me. This is not good, since of all my -ists, he is the most expensive.

no really, we live in town, not the appalachian mtns

In addition to our Giant Cat and a temporary rottweiler, we have a possum. It's not wanted. It has taken up residence under the floor and in our walls (ah, the joys of buying a 50-year old house) and is very noisy. Being a nocturnal creature, it scurries around in our bedroom wall at ungodly hours of the night and it is not a small possum (we've seen it sneaking in and out of its hidey-hole), so imagine a 20 pound creature scaling a wall and you've got an idea of the kind of sleep we've been getting. Creepiest. Sound. Ever. My being in the middle of a Stephen King book isn't helping matters, but i refuse to let the vermin run my life. When it's not in our wall, it's zooming around underfoot and you can hear it through the floor-mounted hvac vents. This is preferable, because we can sleep through it. Except, oh yeah, THE ROTTWEILER. Ever heard a full-grown rottweiler's 'i'm gonna kill you, possum!!' bark? It's a deeply scary sound and your blood just skids to a stop in your veins. So, when Cap'n Possum isn't heaving itself through our wall and conjuring up all sorts of eerie nightfrights, we sleep blissfully until The Death Howl rips the silence and a hundred pounds of canine muscle tears through the house snarling and trying to eat the floor.

i told my boss and coworkers, assuming these blue collar gents had dealt with such problems before. One wondered why we didn't just send the cat after the possum: "You haven't met my cat," i said, "he's never killed so much as a gopher." His answer? "Stop feeding him and he will." But i don't want to send Cosmo down into the Dark to fight a wild and possibly-rabid animal (although if it lives in my house i don't know if it'd be classified as 'wild'). i would end up with either a rotting possum in my wall and a beat up cat and accompanying vet bills, or a dead cat under my house and an increasingly arrogant possum to deal with. Said another coworker, "shoot it." i have no gun. Nor do i want to sit outside my house all night in the middle of January to await an ugly and historically mean creature that may, or may not ever, come out.

So i borrowed a trap from the groundskeeper. Fear not, it's not a Death Trap, but a metal cage that safely traps the critter without harming it. Our yard is Official CatClub HangOut for all of the Walnut Avenue kitties, and there was no way we were going to risk impaling a poor feline. Last night we set it up near the possum's hidey-hole entrance into our underground, put some tuna inside (the Google said canned cat or dog food, we had neither), and covered it with a blanket. The blanket was necessary because in addition to having multiple cats that cruise our lot, we also have a racoon and a skunk, and if we accidentally caught the skunk, we didn't want him to see us the next morning and releast The Stink. Thus, blanket.

This morning? no possum caught when we got up, but when it came time to leave for work, there was something decidedly furry in the cage! It looked like skunk fur, so we approached with caution, using a long stick to move the blanket and a flashlight to determine the species. It was Rocky, the squeaky, Siamese neighborkitty. Alas.

Possums: 0, Cats: 1

movie review blitz

JUNO *

A funky-sweet comedy about an oddball teenager who decides her unborn baby should go to the nice childless couple she found in the Pennysaver.
LOVED: Michael Cera as Juno's baby-daddy, Paulie Bleeker. Alot of his roles are similar, but i see the same sort of talent in him that i saw in early Steve Carrell stuff. There is definite depth to what appear to be his fairly one-note comedic characters. J.K. Simmons and Alison Janney as Juno's dad and stepmom are spot-on. Most of all, it's Jennifer Garner's performance (i know! who knew she had it in her?) that is most interesting to watch.
DIDN'T LOVE: All the hipster dialog. Bleh. Sometimes i found myself thinking 'OKAYYYY, we get it, you're clever and hip. Could you please just let it go for two seconds?!' it was a good characterization device but gets in the way of some interchanges that could/should be more dramatic.

RECOMMENDATION: Aside from that one complaint, i loved it!

TALK TO ME
The story of Washington D.C. radio personality Ralph "Petey" Greene, an ex-con who became a popular talk show host and community activist in the 1960s.
LOVED: Each performance. Don Cheadle delivers. It was only by watching him in another movie the next day that i realized just how completely he transformed to become Petey Greene. Chiwetel Ejiofor, Martin Sheen, and Taraji P. Henson also deliver great performances.
DIDN'T LOVE: the pacing, the lack of story, the not-very-climactic climax. It was a misfire.

RECOMMENDATION: Only for those times where you're sitting around wondering why Don Cheadle doesn't have an Oscar and you need to prove to yourself that you're NOT crazy, he really IS that good.

ZODIAC*
Based on the Robert Graysmith books about the real life Zodiac, a serial killer who terrorized San Francisco with a string of seemingly random murders during the 1960s and 1970s.

LOVED: Robert Downey, Jr.. Who doesn't? Is there any actor as fun/fascinating to watch? Even though he's not in much of the second half, still one of my favorite things about this movie. Also loved the presentation in general: camera work, costuming, San Francisco, everything. David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en, Panic Room) makes visually captivating movies.
DIDN'T LOVE: The length and the sag toward the end. This movie is too long and covering the 4+ years when the Zodiac stops killing is pretty tedious. The film does it's best to create an ending where there wasn't one in reality (the Zodiac murders were never solved).

RECOMMENDATION: A very good movie, if you have the time and patience. When it gets slow, concentrate on the performances and the details of production design, etc.

ONCE*
A modern-day musical about a busker and an immigrant and their eventful week, as they write, rehearse and record songs that tell their love story.
LOVED: the music, the performances, the script....um, the music. This had all the fun and character of an indie (which it was) without the forced quirk of Juno. This is a GREAT little film.
DIDN'T LOVE: ??....................i had to have the subtitles on because of the accents. That's really my only complaint, and it's not so much about the film as it is my neuroses.
RECOMMENDATION: WATCH IT!! And buy anything by The Frames.

REIGN OVER ME
Adam Sandler is Charlie, whose post-traumatic stress caused by the loss of his wife and children on 9/11 sees him regressing to a sort of second childhood. A chance run-in with his former college roommate, Alan (Don Cheadle) spurs Charlie’s first attempts at remembering his past.
LOVED: Don Cheadle, of course. (It was a Cheadle-fest at the Markle house) Sandler was good too, tho the psychosis of his character made it hard to differentiate between goofy-talking Sandler of his comedy films and dramatic-Sandler of Spanglish, Punch Drunk Love, etc. The soundtrack was good (title refers to 'Love Reign O'er Me by The Who) and the New York scenery was also enjoyable. Supporting work by Saffron Burrows as Donna was also great.
DIDN'T LOVE: The pace, the lack of clear direction. It seemed to meander off course then jump swiftly back on. The connection between Charlie and Donna (another oddball) was sweet, but a bit forced. It could've been alot worse though.

RECOMMENDATION: Good rental for when you want to hang out in New York with Don Cheadle or for when you're feeling lonely (cuz it's about friendship).

*movies listed by Ebert & Roeper among the '10 Best Films of 2007'