i read Twilight so you don't have to

Okay world, i read Twilight. Out of principle i waited several months until the Shasta County library's only copy became available because i refused to pay good (and short-in-supply) money for it. i did not want to read it, but enough of my friends were fans and enough people asked my opinion of it that i decided to form an educated judgment. Plus, once upon a time i refused to get into the Harry Potter fanaticism and i am now full Pottermaniac.

Twilight. Ohhhhhhhhhh Twilight. i am not a fan or a maniac. i am a detractor. And i'm deeply concerned in general. For the unfamiliar, Twilight is the story of a teenager named Bella who moves from her mom's house in Arizona to her semi-estranged father's home in Forks, WA. She is an odd-girl-out and is the new kid in school. She has no friends in Forks, no real relationship with her father, and didn't leave any friends behind in Arizona. On her first day in Biology, her desk partner, a preternaturally attractive boy named Edward, appears to loathe her with every fiber of his being. Oh, and his eyes change from topaz to black. Even though he seems to hate her and treats her with contempt, Bella becomes obsessed with him. Long story short, he is a 107 year old vampire and they become friends and then lovebirds. Edward can read minds, but not Bella's because she is special. She also has a special scent that makes him really REALLY want to drink her blood. These factors make him love her even though he has not wanted to be friends or lovers with a human in 107 years, and it's all kinds of dangerous for him to do so.

The writing is bad, not atrocious, but still bad. Stephanie Meyer writes like a juvenile in that she uses way too many adjectives all the time. Also, the plot doesn't really go anywhere but round and round and round while Edward and Bella make cutesy eyes at each other- well, scratch that- while Edward bosses Bella around, laughs at her humanity, and SNEAKS INTO HER ROOM EVERY NIGHT TO WATCH HER SLEEP EVEN BEFORE THEY ARE DATING and while Bella obssesses over a boy who seems to alternate loathing her and being amused by her. i wish i had counted how many times Edward's responses to Bella were described as 'mocking' or 'laughing'. He also physically manuevers her everywhere. He's always steering her, picking her up, etc. Meyer uses it to characterize him as a strong, romantic and chivalrous. i saw it as controlling, manipulative and moody. Frankly, i thought the guy was an ass and a sociopath. Here's a list of the qualities millions of people are swallowing as romantic and perfect and all that:
He tells Bella she is his personal brand of heroin.
He follows her around when she is out with her acqaintances, including when they take trips out of town to go shopping.
He climbs into her room at night to watch her sleep and to eavesdrop on her talking in her sleep.
He repeatedly tells her how he could kill her at any second and that he's dangerous to be around. So he continues to follow her around and watch her sleep.
He insults and chastises her for wanting to be around him.
He acts like her clumsiness in PE will kill her if he's not around to protect her.
He menaces other boys who talk to her.
He tricks her into going to the prom even though she doesn't want to (this includes choosing her dress and shoes and deciding on her hair and makeup.)
He insults her driving and insists on either taking his fancy Volvo everywhere or taking her beat up truck but only with him driving.
He isolates her from the few social connections she has.

Now, i don't know about you, but i've seen enough episodes of Oprah to know an abusive person when i read about him. The reason millions of fans find this prick perfect, romantic, etc is because he is all this.... and PRETTY. No, 'dazzling'. His vampireness evidently makes him 'marbled' and 'glittering' and 'sculpted'. (GAG) Where have America's brains gone??? The guy is a creep and the character of Bella is the sort of lonely, weak-willed void of personality that perpetuates these sorts of relationships.

i understand how the story can be addictive, light-hearted page-turning fun, but there are too many books in the world for me to spend time on these. Anne Rice did vampires already, and she did it better. Go read those. Or if you're a young adult, read Harry Potter again. It's about friendship and acceptance and education, not about how many times your blood-drinking boyfriend can treat you like an dumbass for being in love with him.

song #7

So close, pudding pops, but these things can't be rushed.

Here we are at lucky #7 and to achieve it we must travel far, far away to a land called Italy. Or to a nearby Blockbuster where we rent 'Big Night', because it's on the soundtrack. The song is "Mo Ve' la Bella Mia da la Muntagna" by Matteo Salvatore. i included it in my Top 15 because it makes me think of Italy and my time in Rome and the old men who would sit outside the shops smoking and drinking cappucinos. It makes me think of nuns too. (You see alot of nuns in Rome.) Winter introduced me to the 'Big Night' soundtrack before i'd seen or even heard of the movie. Turns out it's a very good flick, but don't watch on an empty stomach. i used one of the tracks by Gary DiMichele in my wedding, that's how much i like the music. i thought of putting the DiMichele song on my top 15 but it's just instrumental and doesn't invoke memories of Rome the way the Salvatore song does. It's in Italian, here's a rough translation of the lyrics:
It has been written in your heart
my destiny
even my own existence is poisoned (2x)
I want to stay always close to you
for that red mouth and beautiful perfume
for those I'd willingly lose my life (2x)
for the ability to say to the world that
I have kissed your mouth
if you were a queen and I had a kingdom
I would laden you with pearls from the Orient (2x)
in exchange for your fascinating love.

You can hear the song in this really random video that, believe it or not, i had nothing to do with the title of. The song is the first one in the video, the second is a good followup, but not good enough for my top 15.


And here is a clip from 'Big Night' that kind of terrifies me because i'm afraid i've unknowingly done this to some poor chef at some point in my life.

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

The music and the moves, the imagination, the fearlessness. Eccentric and troubled, yes, but if you were a public performer from the age of 6 you'd probably be a little strange too. He did things no one had ever seen before that scores of performers are trying to build on still. Here's to wondering what comes next that will hold a candle to what he produced. Here's Billie Jean, try not to dance along.

dumb alert

Today at church we were introduced to a fun 'fact' about our dog's breed.

"Did you know," the person asked, "that pit bulls' brains grow too big for their skulls and it makes them bite their owners?"

We repeated this fun glob of bull to our doctor friend Gawayne who laughed at the idea that the only effect of an enlarged brain would be to make a mammal respond by biting a select group of people.

Here are more amusing myths on ferocious beasts like ours.

Moral of the story: don't be an idiot.

impressions on father's day

Kallie:
When we were little and my mom was out of town or had to leave really early in the morning my dad would be in charge of getting us ready for school and would try to do my sister's and my hair. i remember being amusedly baffled that the intricacies of the ponytail seemed so thoroughly beyond him since he was in all other respects Capable of Anything. (he couldn't seem to get the ponytail in place without lumps everywhere) Whenever he was in charge of dinner he would make pancakes. And more pancakes. With a pile of pancakes on top. It was an all-or-nothing production. An entire box of Bisquick or starvation. Three children can only eat so many pancakes. i'm pretty sure we're still digesting some of those pancakes to this day. My dad, the consummate athlete, ended up with 3 sportsless kids with nary a varsity appearance between them. He somehow got 3 theater geeks, but we were competitive geeks at least.

Josh:
My dad has a cool mustache. He would let me stay up late and watch tv with him if i'd snuck out of bed, but my sisters were always sent back to bed if they tried the same trick. He always tells the same 30 jokes. When i was really little we had matching cowboy boots and belt buckles that we'd wear to church. Every Saturday for years and years he'd get up early and have breakfast with my grandpa and my uncle at my grandma's restaurant. He's always been a prankster. One time he sneakily added an extra 'meal deal' to the sign in my grandma's restaurant, a steak-and-eggs deal for $3, and she didn't realize it until a customer ordered it. He used to draw faces on our fingertips and we had little finger people to play with. It was genius, kept us entertained forever.

Happy Father's Day to our dads and grandpas: Floy, Dan, Sam, Gary & Jerry!

recession haircut, part ii

We gave in. He had too much hair and it was too kitty-soft for our clippers. It would've taken HOURS and HOURS just to get it cut short, much less beautifully bald, and he would've looked atrocious and CPS (cat protective services) would've hauled us in. So we called Melissa at Millville Vet and $30 later she was done within the morning. This time she shaved his entire tail, but left his legs and head fluffy. Behold:

And the group shot:

It is not napping, it is 'generating'.

It has recently come to our attention that The Pen is not completely mammal. She is also solar powered. We have determined this because every morning she wakes herself up to go outside and go to sleep again, but always in the part of the lawn (and by lawn i mean scrub) with optimal sun and always on her right side. This must be because her solar panels are installed on her left flank. After a few hours, she wakes herself up to come inside and go back to sleep while the UV stuff formulates with her mammalian system. She does this all summer and stores the solar energy to use year round.

Mostly, she is just a blindingly white pile of Creature.