Captain Sniffles McSickypants

It turns out the man-of-a-million-immunities has an Achilles heel: a stealthy and lethal combination of vacation and goofy blond children. Josh is officially sick for the first time in about 3 years, so please extend your sympathies. i'm pretty sure he'd convinced himself he would never get another cold as long as he lived (something about killing and drinking the blood of a virgin unicorn on a Leap Year under a full moon).

Happy New Years Eve Day, pizza pocket. Sorry you're sick and sorry i slammed the pillow over my head this morning when you kept blowing your nose.

arriva derci, due mila otto

This is the time of year when humans go nuts making lists of things done and things to do because a committee somewhere in science and history determined that there needed to be a 'year' and it needed to end and begin in a single second. The rest of the birds, trees, beasties and elements go about their business because the whole calendar thing is pretty darn arbitrary, but we make lists because it helps with closure...which is another odd thing the birds, trees, beasties and elements don't need or understand. Here is the joshandkallie list of what 2008 was:
The Year of the Penny- we adopted our spotty darling and all the accompanying bliss and chaos. We learned of her affection for trash and discovered some mad skills in the area of hallway racing.
The Year of the Pavilion- we came to terms with the architectural actuality of the 'addition' on our house, tore the 'walls' out and created a rad 'pavilion'. (available for weddings and functions and ideal for karaoke parties)
The Year of Gainful Employment- Josh became a Creative Design Manager and i became a Marketing Coordinator. We discovered what 2 full-time salaries feels like... and what 2 full-time schedules feels like. i take comfort in having a smaller salary but a bigger and better office.
The Year of the CityLetter- we took trips to San Francisco to party with the Party family, to Portland to visit all kinds of peeps, to the coast to camp in happiness, and to Bremerton & Seattle to visit old housemate John and old college mates J & Winter. There were also a handful of trips to Oroville and Lodi but i can't seem to finish those letters....
The Year of Triumph Over Critters- we ousted - and more importantly, KEPT OUT - the possums/skunks/raccoons that had taken up residence in our walls.
The Year of Milestones- Josh became an official Nazarene, got his iPhone and new tv, Travis turned 30, Kassie & Frank got married, and i got a NEEEWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!
The Year of Gas Prices, Fires, Primaries, Presidents, & Recessions- we feel like we only had 5 conversations this year, and had them over and over and over and over again.
The Year Our House Turned 50- if you're asking yourself 'wtf?' then you obviously missed the party.
The Year of the New Blog Design- in case you hadn't noticed. Be sure to vote for the next theme. And vote right, dammit. (Don't play dumb, you know what that means.)

Since i stumbled upon and watched The Bridges of Madison County over the weekend (and subsequently cried my eyes out), i shall steal good year-end quote from Clint Eastwood. It's nothing earth-shattering, but i kind of like my earths unshattered every once in a while: "Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort."

Featured logo

So I was contacted by Rudolf Horvath back in early May about featuring my logo on http://www.logorevue.sk/. After eliminating the possibility of this email being a hoax or attempt to add me to someone's spam list, I submitted my logo to Rudolf and low and behold, it was actually featured on their website. Although I was never informed as to why my logo was selected I would like to take the time to thank Rudolf for subtly inflating my ego.

the further dominance of the ponies

Just a note to assure you that the Pretty Pink Ponies closed out the Fantasy Football season in third place with a 6-6-1 record. Who was in fourth place? Oh that would be Josh's team, which i bested by 30 points in the final matchup. Special thanks are due to DeAngelo Williams for his stellar performance against the Giants. Extremely begrudged and not-at-heartfetlt congratulations to Danny for winning first place, and sincere congrats to Jake for always being a worthy opponent.

fortifido

Despite the many reasons to NOT partake in bottled water, Americans sure love it. And despite the current economic.... situation, we are a ridiculously wealthy group of people. You know how i know? i have a dog. No, it's not a non-sequiter, pet-ownership gives you a view into a very unique behavior of human kind, especially 1st world, Western behavior and what kind of markets and spending that creates. Por ejemplo, Penny got some cookies for Christmas. They're dog treats, but they look like cookies. Now, introduce me to a dog who will say 'oh! wonderful! they look just like little Snickerdoodles!' Or, for that matter, think about dog treats shaped and colored to look like T-bones. Unless your dog spends alot of time looking at and eating raw cuts of beef, i don't think even the smartest canine makes the connection when you hold out an inch-sized treat and say 'siiiiiiiiiit.' There's no association for the dog between the human-food representation and the shape and color of the treat. Thus, these products are solely for the human to enjoy giving. A cookie-shaped treat is more fun for you to give because YOU enjoy eating cookies more than you enjoy eating odd, brownish nuggets, so it's like an extra treaty treat for Fido and that makes you a better Alpha. Humans are funny like that. What's less funny and more disturbing is when we create, package, market and SELL this kind of BS:

It's bottled water, FOR YOUR DOG. This is the same dog who barks at his own farts, eats rope for fun, tries to stick her head through a closed doggie door...TWICE, is scared of wrapping paper, and a billion other odd/unintelligent/vile/goony things canines do. REALLY. There are four flavors of this stuff: peanut butter, parsley, lemongrass and spearmint. Penny loves anything peanut butter, most dogs do, but lemongrass? seriously? spearmint? Your dog isn't going to take a few sips and turn and tell you 'wow, that's really refreshing with the mint, thank you Alan. We should try some with fresh raspberries too.' The premise of course is that this water is fortified with nutrients and vitamins your dog needs for a healthy life. To that i say BUY BETTER DOG FOOD. Or, you know, BUY VITAMINS FROM YOUR VET. They're probably alot more effective than the (literally) watered down version that a dog Penny's size would need 2 quarts of every day. (that's 2 bottles of Fortifido. Every. Day. (all bottles sold seperately)) The spearmint flavor also acts as a breath freshener, but i doubt it would take very many tongue baths around the ol' dog-gina to cancel out that benefit.
Cookies and t-bones: weird, but whatever. 1 box lasts several months, you recycle or re-use it when you're done and that's that. 2 plastic bottles of water a day so your dog can get vitamins it should be getting from its food or its doctor? Excessive, and evidence of a society with its priorities on ass backwards.

black Ducks, veggie burrito

Today i met Ashley for lunch at Chipotle. While we were there, a group of black men arrived. i don't know how much you know about Redding, but it's a very ...pale town. These men were all wearing University of Oregon apparel. Those of us in the semi-pacific northwest and who are married to football fans are knowledgeable of the famous U of O Fighting Ducks. Enthused by my knowledge, and that lil old Redding made it on these Ducks' list of 'places to stop and pee and grab a bite to eat', i composed a text message to Josh: "Ducks in Chipotle!" then i realized that the message didn't properly communicate that these were U of O Fighting Ducks, and not waterfowl who'd lost their way. i edited: "There were black Ducks in Chipotle!" He responded in a way that utterly typifies him and his attitude toward my enthusiasms: "Black? i'm meeting John at In N Out." Soooo very 'Josh' of him. 'The Wife is being weird. Respond wittily and move on.'

cake wrecks

Oh, the magic of the interweb. A place where someone can have a blog dedicated to a single oddball subject and people all over the planet will send them material. Such is the premise of "Cake Wrecks: When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong." It just like it sounds: pictures and posts about professionally decorated cakes (usually of the grocery store variety) with such marvels as "Congratulations Keith & (bride) Barron!" or the person who requested a 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' cake for their Wizard of Oz party and got a cake with a rainbow and the word 'somewheres' scrawled on top. This gem is supposed to represent the Texas Longhorns:
...but looks more like a tobacco enthusiast's heart dangling from a rope of poo. There are other cakes with Santas with their hands on backwards, a dinosaur scene with skeletons and the lone inscription 'Greg!', horribly unappetizing monkeys with ill-placed tails, and some terrifying turkeys. Funny stuff- makes me want to take a camera to the grocery store just to see what i can find.

texties

(i'll just give you a minute to be uncomfortable with that word)

In case you're new: when my text inbox gets full i put all the choicest ones on here for you to giggle at and ponder the contexts of the conversation....assuming there was one.

-I'm watching Wheel of Fortune and i think Pat Sayjack might be drunk.

-mom made me vacuum. i told her that u luvd 2 vacuum w/a dyson and that we should let u do it when u arrived. she didn't go for it.

-Have you noticed that the the little icon on Obama's posters kinda looks like a patriotic pokimon ball?

-Yes, i'm particularly interested in how it ended up in Wisconsin...

-I'm going to a Passion Party for my sister in law tonight. If you don't know, it's like a tupperware party for sex toys. I'm going with my in laws.
---How do you pick out an outfit for that?

-I was wondering what name you'd give me this time...I imagined your reply, 'oh blow fish...' or 'silly lizard...' :) thanks pussy willow.

-(p.s. It's true. My good looks have 'gayed' many a man.)

-May need then for shooting before then.

-COACH FRACKING TAYLOR in all his majestic hair-flying glory. i luuuurve him.

-Very. I almost fell asleep and started making out with my chair.

-no one else would appreciate my loose seal costume.

-I love you though. And my mama.

-Corn corn corn maze.

-Just drove by swiftly stillwater - on my way to Good Times Pizza bitches!!!

-Yeah i'm at a restaurant and i don't have a pumpkin...

-we just saw approx 30 geese walking in single file along the side of the highway

-i told tam they were real and so far she believes me.

-Can I steal Josh's klepto costume idea? What did he do to pull it off? (i don't think she had any idea how punny this message was)

-We had our first Mormons on saturday :) he said he had lit. about 'what is truth' so i said 'we attend the naz church, so we're good on that front'
---He mumbled something & started to back away. Poor little acne faced asain mormon boy was at a loss for words

-Amz saw Deathcab and Neil Young last night- well most of Neil, until she got kicked out for throwing a cup at someone.

-Wanna watch Cloverfield at our place?
---It won't be so shakey on a small screen.

-no it wont. it will still be stupid.

-Happy 95 thesis day!!!

-Did you say the f word?

-What is the range of your set of bells?

-We were shopping for a cage for moonshine or something.

-What's hootie's real name? i think he's a country singer now.

-I tried the bar of soap last night. Slept pretty well!

-Thanks Bazooma Bunny.

-I tricked a girl into being my girlfriend.

-Story for you. Today I was rummaging thru a cluttered drawer at work and saw a lone green skittle at the bottom of the drawer. i though, "yum a treat for me". i went to grab it and realized it was the plastic end of a small screw driver. I am sad.

-no. shut up i hate you.

-Ok rad. Drinking with my momma. Wohooooo

-Dude. What's up with your blog?

-That's gonna come back to haunt him.

-3629 Hildale Ave

-Write it down this time please! 3629 Hildale Ave

-So you know who serviced you.

-And josh is a party poop hat

-FYI Lyn is in a muppet Xmas sing along coma right now.

-Tina is bringing a panda film.

-She still has to fly to AZ to sick it up.

-Did Turkey-clause bring you anything good?

-Rhinestone cowboy! WHAT TIME?

-Oh i had a crazy night with stuff once. Or twice.

well hello there childhood, nice to see you again

Today i was in Office Max at lunch time and snagged a soda on my way to the cash register, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a bag of BUGLES. i don't know about you, but i crunched many a Bugle as a kid, and over the course of several summers goofing off at the lake with my siblings and cousins, probably put over a thousand Bugles on my fingertips and waved my hand around like a weirdo, cackling like a witch. i guess i'd thought that Bugles had gone the way of Peter Pan peanut butter and other 80s food gems. i didn't expect to ever do Crazy Hands again and certainly didn't expect to find this high fructose time capsule at my local Office Max. So i bought and scarfed. Then i realized that before i ate every last Bugle (my brain keeps insisting that the singular form of Bugle is Buge, not sure why) i should make some into finger-hats and take a cell-phone picture. Because i'm a grown up like that. i chose a few Buges with the biggest circumference and tried to fit my fingertips into the greasy salt pits, but it wouldn't happen. Time has robbed me. Turns out i no longer have the fingertips of a 6 year old, and the Bugles did not grow with me. (does anything ever grow with us? it seems not) Let us have a moment of silence and remembrance for lost days at the lakeshore, lost silliness and childish metabolism.

creative responses to junk mail

This marvelous list of ideas comes to us from the good people at ProQuo.

"Junk Mail is renowned for cluttering mailboxes, increasing the risk of identity theft, and, of course, killing millions of trees every year. Not surprisingly, it elicits annoyance from most people. But, believe it or not, it also elicits creativity from others."

Here are a few:
CUSTOM PORTRAITS- A self-proclaimed “rabid recycler,” Artizona artist Sandy Schimmel uses unwanted materials, such as junk mail, to create impressionistic portraits. Her portraits focus on individual faces and explore themes such as beauty and fashion. "I believe we are an aggregate of tiny bits: who we are and where we've been - or who we want or pretend to be. The tesserae, the 'tiles,' I create from junk mail represent those bits in color and texture and meaning.”

MULCH- A reader of the finance blog Get Rich Slowly regularly shreds his junk mail and makes mulch out of it. Since mulch is basically composed of tiny bits of trees, he's recycling and his gardening no longer takes the same toll on the environment. Here are some of the guidelines he follows to account for junk mail's ink and varied material:
1. “I only shred the non-glossy stuff, and try to avoid colored ink as much as possible.”
2. “I shred plastic items like credit cards and CDs separately and discard.”
3. “I only use the shreds where food is not grown, just to be safe. You can also use it in the bottom of flower pots inside the house to save potting soil.”

VENETIAN BLINDS- A blogger named Matthew Rasmussen was interested in making practical use out of things people are expected to throw away. He theorized (correctly) that he could attach about three months worth of junk mail to his venetian blinds and significantly lower the amount of light passing through his kitchen window (and still be able to raise and lower the blinds without any difficulty). The process included a whole lot of measuring, bending, taping, and even some beer drinking (not a process requirement, I'm assuming). Full details on the process are available on his blog.

Big ups to Korina for being a rad Public Relations agent for rad companies.

plan b

i would like to introduce you to these bunny noses. You can buy them and other gems at my friend Betsy's Etsy shop (yes, i know, and it does not get old): Plan B. Let's face it- we live in a world where It doesn't exist until It's on a blog somewhere.

Glossed Over

Coming on the heels of my Princess Tirade, it's going to seem that i'm a wooly-armpitted, angry women's studies major. If you know me, you know my armpits are only wooly out of laziness, not politics, and that i love eyeliner and boots with heels that make chiropractors cringe, and that my absolute LEAST favorite reading assignments in my literature major were anything remotely feminist or 'empowering'.

i used to get InStyle and i frequently purchased Vanity Fair and occasionally Vogue. i also used to spend $30 on paper thin t-shirts at J Crew. i also used to crimp my hair so i could look like Vicki Vale. i also used to pick my nose and eat dry dog food. Point: i used to do stupid things. i don't do (most of) those anymore, but you know who's still doing the same stupid stuff they did 20 years ago? Fashion magazines. i realize that these esteemed publications make no bones about selling illusion and discontent, but seeing as how the world is getting wiser and more troubled, the contrast of ideals is ever more glaring. It's not limited to the glossies, either. i looked through an issue of Real Simple that trumpeted a beauty routine that encouraged eye creams in the $400 dollar range (for the bulk discount of 2.5 ounces, naturally.) Seems realistic and simple to me.

A good outlet for rolling your eyes at such shenanigans is Glossed Over. It's one woman's response to the disappointment magazines like InStyle, Glamour, etc cause. What i appreciate about the author is that she loves fashion as an art but doesn't let that cancel out her common sense or her sense of injustice. She points out a single issue of Lucky that crows about an $85 dollar bronzer that will donate 5% of your purchase to endangered tigers, only to tell you how great fur coats look a few pages later. Or this nugget from a recent issue of Glamour:

$1,712: Value of the gift bag from Glamour’s Women of the Year gala. 68.75: Percent of honorees cited at least in part for their work improving the lives of women in poverty or oppressive situations.

Or InStyle's recent suggestion that you take the $200/month you'd spend on gas and spend it on 1 ounce of Wrinkle Serum and then just take public transportation. (oh! i see we're back to real simplicity.)

Anyway, it's refreshing and often funny. And i've pretty much stopped buying fashion magazines since i discovered this site, with the exception of the occasional Vanity Fair, which actually employs investigatory journalists who investigate things more significant than Healthy, Shiny Hair! or How Madonna Works Off the Holidays. i won't say that i've stopped eating dog food, but i HAVE stopped buying overpriced basic at J Crew. Cheers to me.